Disclaimer:
I don't own Naruto or any characters from it.
1.Hinata no Kokoro
Hinata's Heart
The fall had arrived in Konoha. Countless shades of withering leaves made even the Death Forest look peaceful and welcoming. As usual, windy and cold days came with it.
Hinata opened the door of the small house, and wondered if she really should go.
She had already finished her weekly hours at the hospital. The walk back there would be freezing and feel twice as long as usual.
Her life had changed, in what she thought were totally unexpected ways. Some times, even if without any good reason for it, she wished it was a dream. She'd wake up to her old self and her old shyness, and all would be back to what was normal and safe.
There was so much to do now. Some times, she felt scared, as she always did. But she also was happy keeping her mind busy with her new duties. Some times, she even felt proud of herself.
That morning, a bird had thrown itself against her window. It's dead there's nothing I can do. Still, she opened her window and picked it up. It was alive. I know nothing of birds. But it kept stirring its wings She noticed that the left one was broken. She did her best to put it back in its right place and put the weakened bird in a makeshift-nest. That's all that I can do.
It wasn't up to her to make it live or die. She couldn't make anyone live or die. People's lives were in their own hands. There is so much I can do, Tsunade-sama.
She thought about Yakushi Kabuto, the man who saved her life. The same man who betrayed Konoha and was responsible for so many deaths of its villagers. She was someone of no importance, a little girl from the Leaf. Why did he save her life? She'd never know. But what puzzled her was what kind of a doctor was he. Who could heal and kill, like he did. What made life and death be the same to him? What she really needed to know is how strong was her determination to live this new life she'd chosen for herself.
Her mind went back to when the Chunnin exams ended for her. Then, life and death felt almost the same to her. Maybe death would have made the pain in her heart go away. The pain her cousin caused her.
She looked at the streets of Konoha, unusually busy for that time of the year but not even that could distract from her memories.
A simple decision was making her heart almost stop again, much has it had almost stopped months ago. She had hopped that the weather would have brought her right back inside. But the wind cutting her face was actually taking her back to the hospital. She couldn't run away. She wished she still had her favorite jacket. It had always made her feel good. She could always hide inside. Now, she hated the way her life had changed. Less and less she could allow herself to run away.
All around, people worked tirelessly to rebuilt Konoha. It had to be reborn from the devastation brought by Orochimaru and the Sand.
They don't have to think twice, do they?
Hinata felt part of Konoha, now. Maybe for the first time in her life, she felt needed. She saw herself as a true Ninja of the Leaf, and she was determined to become strong to protect the village she loved.
Yet, she couldn't stop herself from feeling angry. Why on earth going back to that hospital had to be part of her duty to Konoha? This week, she'd already done everything she had to do there. She had been there for long hours, and as much as she enjoyed what she did, she was exhausted; she needed a few hours to herself. Why was she asked more than she could give? She didn't have to be there. Nobody would blame her if she didn't go back. It was up to her. Tsunade had left things clear enough and made sure to spend half an hour doing so. There were alternatives. If she went back there it would have to be out of her own will.
"You would never be able to make your own decisions, you can't make decisions about your life much less any that would affect a whole clan." The words of her father echoed on her mind. "You're unworthy of the House of Hyuuga." She was useless, weak. Her little sister was better than her. Her cousin, a branch house member, prisoner of the cursed seal, was better than her. She should be like them; but she wouldn't ever be like them. She never would be anything.
Those words were making her shudder. She tried to shake them away from her heart. Why think of that now, when she already had gone so far? Be more like her cousin. The hell with her cousin. The arrogant heartless bastard. Her father didn't care if she was alive or dead. He had gone even farther. He tried to kill her.
Again her thoughts went back to that day, and to him.
But killing her wouldn't be enough. First, he'd enjoy breaking her in pieces, inside.
Hinata knew of his hatred. She'd felt it too many times. She knew of the overwhelming emotions that burned inside of him. Jealousy, fear, despair. She'd seen each one of them slowing taking over him along the years. But up until the day she had no choice but to confront him, she didn't know that his all anger was aimed at her. No, she'd never wanted to know that.
It had been so unfair and it still was. Having to face, not his strength, but the strength of his hatred.
It's not my fault …I'd never wanted that to happen to you…. It wasn't my choice…I never would have let them do that to you…I can't stand to see you like that…I could never hat…
Yes, she could. During their fight, she learned that she could hate him. And felt guilty… she couldn't stand to see herself hating anyone, even him.
Can't I ever stop thinking about him, even for a minute?
It had nothing to do with it. It was just a matter of doing her duty. It was just that she didn't trust herself to do what she was asked to do. Not because of him, but because she could fail. She didn't want to disappoint Tsunade-sama. For the first time, a human life would be in her hands. And she couldn't fail.
Damn it if it hadn't to be his.
That morning, she knew he'd be back, even before she left her bed. She didn't need her white eyes to see that far. She could feel in her bones how close he was. She knew she would have to run away.
They brought him around noon, right when she was getting ready to leave for the week. She saw him by chance. He was being taking to a room.
She didn't want to look at him. She barely looked at him. He lay in there, motionless. She knew he was alive because she could see the faint glow of his chackra. He seemed to be wasting away quickly. That's none of my concern.
It didn't take long, though. Tsunade called her.
She kept telling herself that she didn't want to see him, her shift was over, Shizune-sensei was much better than her, and could take care of everything.
She didn't have to see how he was. There was nothing she could do for him. That was none of her business. He was none of her business.
It just didn't make any sense to care about him, to worry about him. She didn't have to stay there.
Right…
She ran away because she couldn't see him suffering. She felt like she couldn't do anything for him, the only thing she would ever be able to do was to watch him die slowly.
It just didn't make sense. She should be happy to see him like he was. He really wasn't the all-powerful bastard who, even when she barely could stand up and blood was dripping from her mouth, still went for the kill.
He'd found someone who could stop him, and maybe even, forever. She should be happy.
He would be dead and her nightmare would be over.
Nah… she didn't care even about that. Dead or alive, he didn't mean anything to her.
Neji-nii-san is none of my concern.
Because of him, her heart almost stopped once, and again, it was almost stopping now.
Why did she have to keep thinking about him?
There was a time where there was no heir, no caged bird, no Hyuuga…there were just the two of them. And it felt good to be together. For a second, she saw him a child, she saw his smile, his soft hair, his eyes. Neji's eyes. They looked at her so unlike any of those of any other Hyuuga…
One day, she realized what meeting her had meant to him. And one day he pushed her away and said he hated her.
He hates me. That's it. Hates. Has ever hated me. Why do I care about a dying man who hates me? Who wanted to see me dead. Who almost killed me. I should be willing to go there to see him die. To see him dead. To make sure the last damn thing he hears in his miserable life is that I hate him. Always did.
Hinata clenched her fists.
Always did.
She didn't want to see him because she didn't care. She didn't want to see him, because she cared too much.
Damn you, Neji. Damn you to hell, Neji-nii-san.
Yes, she would go there to tell how much she hated him. To bring him back just so he could hear the same thing he had said to her, a long time ago. No. He said it yesterday. He's been saying that every time her heart stops and she thinks about him.
She never hated anyone.
But she hated him. Always had. And she hated him even more now. Now that he was like that. Leaving.
She was already walking. I wasn't a question of making a decision any more. It was a question of how fast she could get there.
He can't die, yet. He can't die just like that.
He was lying in the hospital bed.
Not very far, was a quite bent out of shape Akimichi Chouji. She looked at him, and told him that he'd be eating barbecue in no time.
Chouji promised her he'd start minding what he put in his mouth from now on, even if it were small as pill.
She felt relieved. At least, she didn't have to worry about Chouji.
But then, there was Hyuuga Neji.
His life depended in so many things that were out of her control…she wondered if she really was worth the trust her patients put in her. She felt alone, and the only person to blame for his present state. Had her decision about the Uchiha boy been the best? Neji had so much to live for. He really didn't have to be clinging to life as he was.
Tsunade sighted and sat down in her office chair at the hospital.
Shouldn't she have treated Sasuke as the missing-nin he was? She would have been better off dealing with his older brother. A S-rank criminal didn't seem as demanding, dangerous and annoying as Sasuke was.
After Shikamaru's report, she decided that the best was to have a cell and a thigh straightjacket ready for the young Uchiha. As the Hokage, she had to do her best for each and everyone in Konoha. But she was thinking if the Uchiha was worth all that sacrifice. Or if he was worth anything at all, for that matter.
She just couldn't fail. So far, she'd done her best to bring him back and take him away from Orochimaru's power. She sent her best Genins after him and even her allies of the Sand. She might have the power to free him from that seal. But, there was so much even the Hokage could do.
She didn't want to make mistakes. Everything, from her clothes to the way she performed her tasks had to be perfect, or close to it. She couldn't ruin this. It was what she loved to do and what she did well.
When she had been in the hospital for the second time, the doctors made her stay longer, until they felt she was totally healed. During that time, she started to care for other patients, who weaker or sicker than her. Tsunade acknowledged her effort and since then she had been training to be a Medical Ninja.
She was deeply grateful to the Godaime, she simply couldn't disappoint her.
Damn you, Hokage-sama.
You can do without me. You said it yourself, Hokage-sama, there are alternatives.
Since when the Hokage of Konoha needs an apprentice like me? Damn, that you had to trust me so much.
Hinata thought of Haruno Sakura, Tsunade's first choice as an apprentice. Her life had spiraled down after Sasuke left.
Unlike every other girl in Konoha, Hinata couldn't care less about him. Even as a child, she couldn't stand the arrogant little Uchiha, acting as if he were better than everybody else. As if he was the only one who had ever faced tragedy in his life.
Why did Sakura ruin her life for somebody like him? Maybe her life was like that with or without Sasuke. All she knew is that she wouldn't screw things up as Sakura did.
At first, Sakura was doing just fine. . Her control of chackra had impressed Tsunade. Then, Sasuke left, and she gradually stop paying attention to what she was doing. Finally, she was just unable to perform even in the simplest tasks. Hinata wondered if she had become a Ninja just to be close to Sasuke.
Damn, Neji wouldn't do that to her.
She thought of Kurenai-sensei. She always felt better when she thought about her. When her father threw her out of the mansion, he flatly told Kurenai that he didn't have more time to waste with a runt like her, and she herself should think twice before wasting hers. Kurenai, told her to pack her things. Hyuuga Hiashi was infuriated, but he couldn't claim back someone who he had just called a waste of time.
She started living with her sensei, and didn't need to be the heir of the Hyuuga anymore. She had been set free to be whatever she wanted to be. Kurenai never demanded her more than she could give, but she would always do her best for her sensei. Why would she want to still belong to her clan? For her father, she was dead. And for Neji, she deserved to be killed.
She was thinking of him again. Thinking of Kurenai brought her back to the Hyuuga, and her last name brought her to him.
She had gone to the hospital twice, because of him.
Now she was coming back to the hospital for a third time because of him.
Funny, the doctors had said that coming back to the hospital a third time would be her death sentence. She was there almost every day, but now it felt like her death sentence had finally been pronounced.
To go back there now, on her own accord. She felt stupid and useless.
He can't kill me anymore.
He was the one who was dying. She had no reason to fear him anymore. She didn't fear him anymore.
There was only one thing that she feared now, to have to give up the one thing that made her feel strong. And her cousin couldn't take it from her. Nobody could take her life anymore, because now she had a reason for living. And that reason wasn't someone called Hyuuga Neji.
But, couldn't she still screw everything up, just like Sakura?
She wasn't like Sakura. She wasn't in love with him. She hated him.
He wasn't Sasuke. He was powerful. His power still scared her. He had meant pain to her once, and he still meant the exact same thing now.
It all had to come back right now, hasn't it? He could still make her tremble, still make her feel small and powerless, a spoiled child of the main house. He still had power over her. He still could take her reason for living.
The image of Neji blocking her tenketsus and the pain she felt then, came to her.
Who was she kidding? She still feared him.
Damn you, Hyuuga Neji. I had enough of you.
She took a deep breath and entered the lobby.
People were walking in slow motion. Things were happening just too slow for her.
She went straight to Tsunade's office. She knew that Tsunade wouldn't judge her.
Hinata would be back. She was a good person. Tsunade thought it would be enough to bring her back to care for her cousin. No matter what had happened between the two of them in the past, her good soul would bring her back. Her feelings, whatever they might be, wouldn't prevent her to do what she had to do. Tsunade could bet on that.
She'd never seen him like that. Completely helpless. Vulnerable. He was lying on his stomach; he still had his jacket but it had been cut in half. How many daggers had pierced his back? She had seen many of such wounds, made by kunais and other small weapons, but never so many in only one person. The daggers had been recently removed; she could tell. The wounds hadn't started to heal.
But she couldn't look at the two huge wounds on his body. They were like deep round holes in his lower back and in his left shoulder. Hinata instinctively turned her face away from him, and start shaking. Unlike early on, she had to look at him. She'd have to look at him every day, from now on. She just hoped that Tsunade hadn't noticed her reaction. She put herself together the best she could.
She knew he was alive, she still could sense a small amount of chackra inside of him. Just enough to keep him alive. But, for how long?
Damn it Hokage-sama. Why did you bring me here? He's as good as dead. Why do you want me to see him like this?
"He has enough chackra to survive for a few days," Tsunade said. "Maybe you can't tell now, but he's a Hyuuga and you people will never die from the lack of it."
You people…so what if he's a Hyuuga? I don't know anything about the Hyuuga. I don't want to know. Her last name weighted like a curse right now, worst than his seal. She took a deep breath and looked at him again. Damn. We have the same last name and the same eyes. And just because of that I have to be here and look at your dying body, Hyuuga Neji. I have to watch you die, and I can't do anything to stop it.
"He won't die right now. Even in the forest, he was able to avoid instant death.
Shizune-sensei has already stabilized his chackra flow. I checked his vital organs.They're functioning at their limit but not as badly damaged that they cannot go back to normal. Neji-kun is truly a genius; even that arrow in his lower back wasn't fatal to him. I'd say his chackra is so low because he concentrated it all on that spot, to avoid death."
Neji-kun, genius of the Hyuuga. As if she hadn't had to listen to that enough times. Dying genius of the Hyuuga, that's what he is. Now, he looked so much like her. Powerless, having to trust his life to somebody else. Genius of the Hyuuga, she thought again. You look more like the runt of the Hyuuga, nii-san. You look a lot like me.
Tsunade went on, even if Hinata had become lost in her thoughts.
"He can live, Hinata, but there's so much I can do. You will have to stay with him, if we want to see him alive."
If you want to see him alive, Tsunade-sama.
Hinata knew exactly what Tsunade was talking about. Actually, healing his body didn't seem impossible. What would be impossible was to put up with him.
Destiny? Again, she felt like she had nowhere to run. Had that been her own choice, or something inside of her, stronger than her own will, left her with no choice at all?
I bet you could answer that, Nii-san. If you could answer now, there is.
She knew she had a duty to the Leaf, and Hyuuga Neji was a Ninja of the Leaf as much as she was. A part of the Leaf. And she had to protect him, no matter if it could break her into pieces.
"You know what you have to do, Hinata-chan. I will come to check him every day, but you will have to stay with him. At least, until he can be on his own and not having me worrying about him."
"Hai, Tsunade-sama."
Neji-nii-san. As if I ever had imagined seeing you like that.
What did you know, nii-san? This spoiled brat has power to keep you alive.
She got close to him and slowly turned his face to her. It looked as he had been caught in a cobweb; the pattern of the cuts sure matched one. What on earth could have done this to him?
If she weren't sure that he was alive, she'd be now. His forehead protector was gone. And she could see that the accursed swastika was still there. She brushed his hair away from the seal. Is that what has made us so different, Nii-san... What makes you hate me?
She sighted. No one but herself had made her look at this.
She wouldn't leave him. Not because of Tsunade-sama, but because she didn't want to leave. Did she want to watch him die? Or did she want to do anything in her power to avoid that to happen? It didn't make any difference anymore. She was there for him.
For that arrogant bastard.