Title: Mistletoe Hoe
Rated: PG
Pairings: 53, 83, 93 (no, don't go thinking thoughts), Haku3, GatoHazel
Warnings: shounen-ai, profanity, mild violence
Summary: Hazel has devised a brilliant plan to win over Sanzo's companionship. It all requires a mistletoe. However, it's not that simple when others get in your way. Literally.
Notes 1: This is a comedy/parody. Obviously, not everyone in the show is trying to make out with each other and Hazel doesn't lose his cool as dorky as he does in this. XD OOCness is intentional. Some knowledge on Gunlock might help you understand Hazel and Gato's characters more, but it's not required. It's quite obvious what pairings I like and don't like. XD Kinda spoilery at the end if you haven't read/seen the end of Reload.
"See?"
Gato made a small grunt as he looked back at Hazel, yellow eyes perpetually glaring. Hazel had on his sweet smile, holding up what look like a bunch of garland, green leaves and poinsettias. It was rather small; he held it up by the small hook at the very top. It dangled in his hand, glowing in the light of the nearly empty hotel.
"What is it?" Gato asked, curious.
Hazel held a hand to it. "This, my friend, is what we call a mistletoe. You see, you hang it up and the two people who meet under it must kiss!" he explained, raising it up over his head.
"What are you doing with it?" Gato inquired.
Hazel's charming grin turned slightly wicked. "Well, you see, it's all part of my plan to lure Mister Sanzo into my grasp," he explained. His hat tipped downward, only showing one of his sly, sparkling blue eyes.
"I see," Gato replied. "But I still don't understand..."
Hazel giggled against his gloved hand. "Ah, Gato, Gato. It's really quite simple," he chirped, finger raised beside his quirky grin. He placed a hand to his chest, explaining his plan, "Mister Sanzo and his youkai companions are staying here for the night. They don't know we are as well. I'll hang the mistletoe up here in the walk way, knowing Sanzo will pass in and out of it. I'll 'conveniently'"--he paused to use finger quotes--"bump into him, and kiss him."
"I see that much. But how will that make him become your ally?" Gato asked, arms crossed.
Hazel's giggles were obviously a method of keeping insane laughter to a minimum and inside. "Simple," he said. He looked up at Gato. Gato blinked, noticing the air around Hazel's face just got hazy, yellow, azure blue and pink, like some fluffy background. "My charm will seduce him and his poor idea of logic and common sense," he purred, pawing at his feathered hair.
Gato stared at him, watching him preen. "Ah," was all he said. He didn't wish to tear Hazel off his high horse.
"Come, Gato," Hazel ordered, patting his thigh. Gato realized he was being called like a dog, but didn't mind. He understood and wrapped his big arms around Hazel's tiny waist. Gato held Hazel up, slowly bringing him closer to the ceiling. Hazel reached up, holding out the mistletoe. The bar tender, the only man in the two rooms, didn't pay any mind to them.
"Just a little higher," Hazel grunted. Gato nodded and held Hazel up a few more inches. "Right here!" Hazel said, touching the top of the frame. Gato kept him still, watching him as he hooked on the mistletoe. Once he was finished, he smiled down at Gato ever so sweetly. "Okay, let me down," he purred.
Gato blinked at him, then looked at the mistletoe. He then nodded and placed Hazel gently back on his feet. Hazel had a glow of victory on his face. He brushed hands together, stating, "Okay, now we wa--"
"Baka saru! Come near me and I'll rip off your face!"
Hazel made a surprised squeak and clutched Gato's arm. "Here comes Sanzo! Come on!" he whispered frantically. He practically dragged the rock-like man to the hall, hiding in an empty room. They both peeked out their heads to watch, Hazel looking like a small child.
Sure enough, Sanzo was trudging bitterly down the stairway. "Part B," Hazel muttered, chuckling. He fiddled in his pocket, before removing a pack of cigarettes. He showed it to Gato, saying, "When we last met with Sanzo a few hours ago, he had finished his pack of cigarettes. It's apparent he hasn't had any since. This should lure him to the mistletoe for just enough time to make my move."
Hazel gently tossed the pack of cigarettes out into the open. They slid across the ground, landing only a couple inches beneath the mistletoe. Hazel clamped a hand over his mouth, giddy with excitement.
Sanzo muttered a hundred curses in a matter of seconds. His companions were driving him nuts and he needed nicotine. Sanzo went to whip out his Gold Card to purchase him some smokes, before he spotted a new, unopened pack only three feet away.
"Hmm..." Sanzo mumbled. He looked to both sides of him. No one was nearby. The only people around the area was the bar tender in the other room. Sanzo looked over his shoulder, back up the stairs. A small giggling child ran by, but hell if he was smoking anything.
Sanzo, still suspicious but suffering withdrawals, scooted towards the cigarettes. Hazel's grin was like the devil's closing in on a deal. "Just a little closer, Mister Sanzo" he purred, getting ready to make his move. Gato's hand lingered near one of his guns, incase anything back-fired.
Sanzo tried looking completely uninterested in anything as he narrowed in on his prey. His mouth was watering. Finally, he stepped into the perimeter, right beneath the mistletoe. "Aha!" Hazel cheered quietly.
He was about to step out and claim his prize before Gojyo came storming down the stairs. "Oi! You took my lighter again!" Gojyo snarled. Hazel quickly jumped back in the shadows.
Sanzo was about to reach down for the cigarettes before whirling around to face the red head. "Baka! You had my last cigarette!" he snapped.
Gojyo turned red in his face. "What!? You're just so wired from not smoking in hours you're making up stupid stories!" he fumed.
"I'll kill you... You're distracting me... Wasting my time... Could be smoking now..." Sanzo bitterly growled, shaky hand reaching for his gun.
"Hey! You guys are unda the missytoe!"
Gojyo and Sanzo looked down at the small child who had been running around upstairs. He was grinning from ear to ear, standing behind Gojyo. Hazel bit his bottom lip. Hopefully this kid would distract at least the half breed for a few minutes.
"That's nice, kid. Now go back to your mom," Gojyo muttered, swishing his hand at the little boy. He returned to argue with Sanzo, but the boy was not satisfied.
"Now you gotta KISS!!" the boy snapped. He ran at Gojyo, shoving him at Sanzo by his legs.
Gojyo grunted as he fell forward. Hazel gasped, hands at his mouth with horror. Sanzo's eyes flew wide open when Gojyo's mouth connected with his. Gojyo leaned against him, staring him directly in the eyes as they kissed. Both of them were too horrified to move away or do anything. Hazel swooned back into Gato's arm, who fanned him nicely.
"Heehee! Merrwee Cawismas Eve!" the boy snickered in his hands. He bolted upstairs, disappearing.
A second passed. Ten seconds past. Almost a minute had passed. Finally, with a loud rustling noise and a loud 'SLAP,' Gojyo fell backwards as Sanzo kept his harisen raised. "Baka!" Sanzo shouted, face pink. Gojyo ignored him, sitting on the ground and rubbing his head. "Idiot! Baka! Moron! Sicko! Pervert!" Sanzo cursed and cursed at Gojyo, either hitting him on the head with his giant fan or stepping on him.
"S--shut up!" Gojyo roared, jumping to his feet. His entire body was bright red. "You... you fucking... I didn't do it on..." Gojyo tried to defend himself. But all he could see was a blushing, embarrassed Sanzo. It made things much worse. Gojyo let out a small scream and ran upstairs, shouting how children were evil.
"What a fucking--KILL!!" Sanzo screamed. The bar tender looked up for once, then away again. Sanzo snatched up the cigarettes on the ground and marched out of the tavern to go kill some bugs or something.
"D--dammit!" Hazel hissed, snapping his fingers. "I was so close, too!" he whined, walking over to the mistletoe. Gator followed him like a quiet lap dog. Hazel stroked his chin, thinking for a moment. "Oh, well. There's always Plan C," he purred, once more looking triumphant.
---------------------------
Hazel and Gato had waited in the hall for a good twenty minutes. Sanzo arrived rather loudly, slamming the tavern doors behind him. "Plan C in action!" Hazel giggled, jumping into the empty room down the hall. He pulled out a shiny golden card, making a soft 'sssh' sound.
"Is that...?" Gato asked.
"No. It's a fake replica. But he'll think he dropped it and go to reach it. When he does, I will pounce!" Hazel chuckled, showing all his teeth in a smile. With a deep breath, he tossed the card out into the walk way. It glided in the air and fell on the ground only an inch under the mistletoe. However, it was good enough.
Sanzo was a little more relaxed now that he had smoked the whole pack of cigarettes. "I don't even want to go back up there. I'll puke..." he growled, heading for the stairs. He then stopped, looking down to see Hazel's fake Gold Card.
"Did I...?" Sanzo wondered to himself. He went to go search his robe, but then he realized not everyone had a credit card like his. He walked over to the card, bending down to pick it up.
"Chansu!" Hazel giggled, about to leap out of the room.
"Sanzo!"
Hazel scampered backwards and into the room again. He blinked, confused. Sanzo looked up the stairs, seeing Hakkai walking down. He was in his undershirt, a ball of laundry in his arms. "I was wondering where you went. I asked Gojyo, but I think he's come down with a fever," he explained, a worried look on his face.
"TCH," Sanzo growled, blushing again.
"Oh, Sanzo. You're red, too? Are you getting a fever? Not eating enough meat?" Hakkai asked, walking up to Sanzo. Sanzo blinked his purple eyes as Hakkai placed his forehead to his. Hakkai was too busy determining if Sanzo had a fever or not to realize this position felt a bit awkward.
"T--teme..." Hazel growled, gritting his teeth as he squeezed the door frame angrily.
Hakkai stepped back. "Well, you're a bit warm, but nothing too bad," he stated, smiling again.
"I feel just fine," Sanzo snorted.
Hakkai chuckled, before catching something red in the corner of his eye. He looked up, seeing the mistletoe. "Yare yare," he giggled, looking back at Sanzo. Sanzo stared at him, confused. "We seem to be under the mistletoe," Hakkai informed, pointing up.
Sanzo looked up at the mistletoe. But when he looked back at Hakkai, his eyes nearly jumped out of their sockets. Hakkai was ikissing him/i! And by the cute expression on his face, enjoying it.
"NANIIIII!?" Hazel nearly wailed, Gato holding him back.
Hakkai pulled away. "Sorry. I just thought it would be funny," he giggled, scratching his cheek. Sanzo was like a stone, pale with giant white eyes. Darkness loomed behind him, and a chip of his stone shoulder fell off.
"Well, I'm off to finish doing laundry. If you need anything done, please tell me!" Hakkai whistled, glowing. He walked past Sanzo and into the other room. Sanzo shook back and forth, nearly falling over. He was absolutely speechless.
"Need... drink... Lots of alcohol... Need lots of booz..." Sanzo muttered like a zombie. He staggered into the bar, nearly falling against a table. Once he was in the other room and dead to the world, Hazel jumped out and glared down at the golden card still on the ground.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" Hazel snapped, stomping on the card. "And that damn youkai with the monocle! He ruined my plans, too!" he whined, about to rip his hat apart.
"Perhaps you should come up with a new plan?" Gato suggested.
Hazel wiped the sweat from his forehead. "No. I still have ideas for this one," he stated, calm and collected again.
---------------------------
Hazel and Gato watched from a little corner as Sanzo got very tipsy. Not entirely drunk, but definitely buzzed. Sanzo paid the bar tender then promptly called him an asshole before getting up and leaving. "This brings me to Plan D!" Hazel whispered. Gatorwatched as he placed a packet of Tylenol under the mistletoe then dragged him to the hall again.
Hazel kneeled on the ground, as if a sprinter ready to run. "Sanzo is going to have a horrible headache after all that drinking. He'll really need some medicine to help calm the throbbing," he explained.
Sure enough, Sanzo's white neko ears and tail perked up. He sensed the medicine, his body ordering him to fetch it. "People are leaving shit all over this place," he muttered. He walked over to the Tylenol, hand extended to grab it.
Hazel was just about to dash out there to "claim" him when Goku jumped in front of Sanzo. "SANZOOOO, I'M HUNGRY!!" the saru cried.
Both Hazel and Sanzo fell back. "BAKA SARU!!" Sanzo and Hazel screamed as they got to their feet. Sanzo and Goku blinked, swearing they heard an echo. Gato clamped a hand over Hazel's mouth, pulling him into the room.
Goku pouted back at Sanzo. "Sanzo, you've been gone for like an hour! Hakkai's out doing laundry and getting groceries! Stupid Gojyo keeps trying to get me to listen to how he likes girls and stuff! And I can't eat Hakuryu!!" he cried, stamping his foot.
"Why don't you EAT YOUR OWN HAND!?" Sanzo screamed. Suddenly, a rush of dizziness fell over him. "O... oh..." he groaned, holding his head.
"Sanzo? Sanzo!?" Goku cried, shaking his hands stupidly at the tipsy monk.
"F... ucking wine coolers," Sanzo moaned, falling over.
"Eee--!" Goku squealed, before shutting up when Sanzo's body fell on him... and so did his mouth.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOh..."
Gato sweatdropped as he looked back at Hazel. Hazel was a twitching mess, still crotched down and watching from the door. Dark shadows hung over his head and across his face, making him look like some haunting ghost.
Sanzo's eyes slowly opened when the dizzy spell wore off. He blinked, realizing he was now kissing Goku. "AAAHHHHH!!" Sanzo screamed, jumping back five feet.
Gato patted down Hazel's back as he threw up in a waste basket.
"S... Sanzo..." Goku whispered, turning away. He then looked back at Sanzo over his shoulder. One arm clasping the other shoulder, other hand at his mouth, the look on his face and the air surrounding him suggested old skool shoujo. "I... I had no idea..." he whispered, eyes growing ten times larger and glowing.
Sanzo's head had gotten five times its size and nearly filled the room. When he screamed, not only did it generate a giant wind but also showed his fangs the size of human heads. "bGO TO HELL/b!!" his gigantic, irritated head screamed at little Goku.
Goku was flown up the stairs and into the room, the door even shutting behind him.
"You want to kiss that?" Gato asked. Hazel just chuckled, trying not to show his fear. Except his knees were shaking.
Sanzo huffed and puffed, shoulders arched as he looked like a man defending himself in a heavy battle. "This is ridiculous!" he exclaimed, shaking his head back and forth. He fell to his knees, taking time to catch his breath. Gato realized he was directly under the mistletoe and no one was coming. Hazel had long given up. He sat in a dark corner, hugging his knees and poking at a little mouse.
"Hazel!" Gato shouted back at his companion. Hazel looked back at him, curious. "Now's your chance," Gato stated, pointing to a tired, weak and alone Sanzo beneath the mistletoe.
Hazel jumped to his feet, refreshed and rejuvenated. "Right! Let's do this! Victory, here I come!" he cheered, making a V sign. He was about to proudly flaunt out of his hiding spot and over to Sanzo, when there was a loud scream and the sound of glass breaking.
Gato grabbed Hazel by the arm and held him back. Hazel looked around, watching as a bunch of youkai moved in on Sanzo.
"Sanzo! We have come for the sutras! Hand them over and we'll spare your life!" the apparent leader of the group ordered. There was about fifteen of them in total, some waiting outside. Sanzo slowly rose his head, glaring at the youkai. The leader youkai sniggered, feeling dominate as if Sanzo was kneeling to him. "Let me have your sutras, little priest," he snickered, raising his dagger.
"Hey, boss!" one of his minions giggled. He pointed at the mistletoe, exclaiming, "You're beneath the mistletoe!"
"Yeah, you gotta give him a kiss!" another youkai shouted.
The group of youkai all began laughing their asses off, even the leader. Hazel's entire body was twitching, his face hidden by shadows. Gato stepped away from him.
"Why not? One last kiss before I end your life," the head youkai snickered, making obnixious smacking noises with his mouth.
"Teme..." Sanzo murmured, reaching for his gun.
"AAAHHH!! I CAN'T STAND IT!!"
The youkai and even Sanzo looked back, surprised. Hazel yanked Gato's guns out of their holders, surprising the taller man. Hazel, looking like a bat out of hell, ran in the room. "You all are really pissing me off!" he screamed, left eyelid twitching.
Mercilessly, Gato and Sanzo watched as Hazel took out his rage and sexual frustration on the youkai. Hazel was pretty good with the guns, managing to shoot seven of them dead and only missing once. When one gun was empty, he tossed it at Gato. Gator loaded it as quick as possible.
However, Hazel didn't need it. He placed the side of the other gun in his mouth and high kicked a charging youkai in the jaw. The youkai groaned, falling over. Hazel quickly shoved his elbow back, jabbing it into another youkai's belly. He fell to his knees, coughing painfully. Hazel fell back on his hands, lifting his legs to kick two separate youkai's in their faces. Hazel quickly turned on his side and shoved his foot into another youkai's crotch. That youkai had to hurt the most. Hazel got to his feet as the rest of the youkai not dead or on the ground whining came at him.
Gato was almost done loading the gun. Hazel yanked the other gun out of his mouth and began shooting the rest of the charging youkai. Six rounds and six were dead. By now there was only about ten left.
"I'm going to enjoy sucking out your souls!" Hazel snapped, bitch slapping another youkai.
"Hazel!" Gato shouted.
Hazel whirled around. Gato threw the gun at him. Hazel was doing just fine, he figured he'd let him continue on his own. Or else he might get hurt. And not by the youkai. Hazel caught the gun and tossed the empty one to Gato in return.
Hazel turned and fired the gun just in time before the now dead youkai could slice off his head. Hazel heard the sound of steel slicing along the ground. He looked down, one of the wounded youkai growing out his long talons.
"Bastard!" Hazel hissed. He shot the youkai before he could even make a scratch. Now there were only five left.
"I KICK ASS FOR THE LORD!" Hazel cackled, swinging the gun in his hand before shooting four rounds. He had no more left. Lucky for him, Gato stepped in and shot the last one down.
A few minutes passed, as Hazel regained some of his sanity and breath. Gato loomed close by him. Sanzo still sat on the ground, dizzy and in awe at what happened. Hazel took another deep breath, before handing Gato his gun. He then rose his medallion in the air between two fingers, chanting in a foreign language. With soft buzzing and chirping noises, out flew all the blue souls of the dead youkai into the glowing orb.
"Finally. All distractions should be done with," Hazel sighed, fixing his blue cowboy hat. He then sparkled, turning to Sanzo. "Mister Sanzo, in exchange for saving your life, would you--" he began, before his mouth dropped open and his eyes turned completely white.
Sanzo had all ready left upstairs and was currently taking a nap. Gato looked down at Hazel, who looked like he had seen a ghost. He just stared mindlessly at the empty spot beneath the mistletoe where Sanzo should be.
Gato sighed and then picked Hazel up, who was like a petrified statue. Carrying the "aoi me no tenshi" like a stiff board under his arm, Gato went to the bar to order some drinks. He didn't even notice he was walking over dead youkai bodies.
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The Next Morning
"Man, if I knew you were going Christmas shopping, I would have gone with you!"
"Well, if you did go with me, I wouldn't have been able to get your gift!" Hakkai laughed as he placed his hands in his lap. He had went out the other day to buy each of his friends a little gift for Christmas.
"This is the best thing in the entire world! It doesn't make me so hungry!" Goku cheered, raising a giant package of gum.
"This will look nice on me," Gojyo snickered, holding the black sweater against him. He looked at Sanzo and growled, "AND GIRLS WILL LOVE IT ON ME, TOO."
"Whatever," Sanzo muttered. He paid no regards to the slippers Hakkai had got him.
"Oh, Sanzo, would you do me a favor?" Hakkai asked, giving Hakuryu more chocolate.
Sanzo looked up at him.
---------------------------
Hazel broke his hands apart and opened his eyes from praying. He looked out the window, watching as fresh snow fell. "Christmas is such a delightful day. The birth of Christ, and a holy day for all saints," he sighed, hand against his heart.
BAM!
"FUCK!" Hazel snapped, falling over. Someone had thrown a snow ball at his window. He angrily got to his feet and glared outside. Goku and Gojyo were happily playing in the snow, having a snoft fight. They didn't realize they had hit Hazel's window, or a window at all.
"Stupid... demons... Die... Hate..." Hazel seethed, clutching his quivering fists. He watched as Hakkai walked over to Goku and Gojyo, ordering them to put on some mittens.
Hazel's eyebrow slowly lifted. "If... those three are out there, then..." he mumbled, stroking his chin.
"Hazel," Gato said, from the door. "Sanzo is walking down the stairs and almost under the mistletoe."
"LUCKY!!" Hazel squealed, flailing. He dashed past Gato and down the hall. He came to a dead stop before he could be seen. His smile went ear to ear when he saw Sanzo finish walking down the stairs and almost under the mistletoe. He was alone, trying to light a cigarette.
"Mister Sanzo, prepare to meet your SEME," Hazel snorted out steam from his nose, eyes glowing.
"I thought this was just to get him as our ally?" Gato asked from far away, it seemed.
Sanzo stopped beneath the mistletoe. He cursed, trying his damned hardest to make his lighter work. Hazel's heart jumped into his throat. And right before he could jump out and woo Sanzo--
Hakuryu poked his head out from behind Sanzo. He noticed the mistletoe, blinking. He then smiled, stretching out his long neck. "Chu!" he squeaked, planting a little kiss on Sanzo's lips. Sanzo looked like he was about to go ballistic. But not as much as Hazel did.
"WHAT THE HELL!?" Hazel screamed, fire blowing out of his mouth.
"This is the last time I give you a bath!" Sanzo growled back at the little dragon. "Stupid blackmailing Hakkai..." he muttered, walking out of the hotel to join the others.
The door shut with a soft creak. Hazel's body fell out of the hall with a loud creak. "I don't get it! My plan was perfect!" he whimpered, gathering to his feet.
"I'm sorry for your loss," Gato apologized, walking after Hazel.
Hazel frowned. His sad eyes stared up at the pretty mistletoe overhead. "If not by force, just as a Christmas gift would have been nice," he sighed, bowing his head. He tucked down his hat, hiding his ashamed eyes. Gato stood in front of him, quietly pitying him. But then he came to realize something.
"Hazel."
"Hmm?"
"We're under the mistletoe."
Hazel blinked and looked up at Gato. He then looked at the mistletoe above the two. He stared long and hard at Gato, who stared quietly back. Hazel then chuckled and nodded. "So we are, so we are," he purred.
Gato placed a hand on Hazel's shoulder, then tipped back his hat. Hazel smiled as he shut his eyes and tilted his head back. He stood on his tippy toes, but still couldn't reach Gato's height then. Gato didn't mind. He leaned down and planted his lips on Hazel's. Soft and gentle, not like what most people would think coming from such a man. Hazel didn't mind. The kiss felt so good, he didn't want to tear away.
So it wasn't a bad Christmas after all.
Back at Gyukomen's Lair...
Nii scrolled down the document he was reading online. His crooked and greasy snimle was on his face. "Tiny Tim is such a good pawn," he snickered.
Suddenly, in poofed Kami-sama. "Ne, ne, ne!" he giggled, clapping his sleeves together. "Let's make out, sensei!" he squealed.
Nii just kept smiling and reading. "Didn't I kill you all ready?" he asked, light glowing off his glasses.
Back to the Sanzo-ikkou on the road...
Goku and Gojyo laid sprawled out on the jeep, pale and terrified. Hakkai's eye twitched when Chin Iisou's ghost hovered beside him. "Ne, ne, ne! Let's make-out, Gonou!" he snickered, chewing on ghostly mahjong bones.
"Heeeey... Koryuu..." Shurei's ghost chuckled deeply in his throat. He hung beside Sanzo, winking.
"Oh... my... GOD..." Sanzo growled, burying his face in his hand.
THE END!
Notes 2:
"I KICK ASS FOR THE LORD!": I just had to use it. XD It's not mine. It's from this reaaally gross, gorey but funny zombie movie. The priest in it kicks these zombies' asses in a grave yard and shouts that. XDDD
"Aoi me no tenshi": Nii calls Hazel this a few times in the anime. It means, "blue eyed angel."