Ch 6: Not exactly 'Home Alone'
Dinner was entertaining, by Jack's standards, although at the end of it, Chris clapped him on the back and said, "You got lucky, that was relatively uneventful."
Jack supposed that depended on your definition of uneventful. Conor spilt milk all down his front and then started crying when some of the other kids laughed at him. His dad took him up to get cleaned up and changed, and to keep the other kids from teasing Conor, Jamie started talking about how Nigel was never able to make it through a meal without spilling something as well.
So when Nigel returned with Conor, everyone started laughing again. Once Nigel figured out the reason, he threw a roll across the table at his brother, which the kids took to mean it was okay to throw food. Luckily, a potential food fight was avoided by some serious stern looks from all of the mothers at the table.
Everyone went back to eating and chatting. Lily, the little girl Carter had been carrying, fell asleep right at the table, in the midst of all the commotion.
Chris, Jamie, and Nigel got into an argument over who was responsible for a food fight that had apparently happened years ago and never been resolved to anyone's satisfaction. Several of the children started chanting "Fight, fight, fight," hoping to incite further food throwing.
Emily put a stop to all of it by reminding everyone that it wasn't too late for Santa to change his mind about bringing presents. Sydney, who had been so busy talking to Jack all night that he didn't remember seeing her actually eat a bite of food, said quietly, "Santa had to call Matty in July. To warn him he was on the Naughty list and tell him he better start behaving if he wanted anything this year." Jack laughed. "It was really my dad that called him though. Using a fake voice," she whispered after glancing conspiratorially around.
"Well, yeah, I guess that makes sense. Santa's pretty busy to be making all those personal calls," Jack said.
She looked at him steadily, rolled her eyes in the way he'd always suspected Carter was just itching to do sometimes, and said, "Riiight."
Jack shrugged and applied himself back to his dinner. Should have figured, if the kid was supposed to be just like Carter. And Carter had probably busted the Santa myth by the age of four at the latest, he thought, glancing down the table at her. She was sitting in between Kieran and Gwen, cutting up Kieran's chicken for him.
"Uncle Jack!" Sydney said in a loud voice that demanded attention, putting her hand on his arm.
Unfortunately, she got not only Jack's attention, but the rest of the table's as well. He could feel everyone else looking at him, but when Carter looked over automatically at Sydney's exclamation, he knew she knew he had been staring at her. They both glanced away quickly, but Carter wasn't fast enough to hide the fact that her cheeks were bright red.
Ooookay, Jack thought to himself, turning his attention back to Sydney. Note to self, try not to gawk at 2IC in a room full of her family. If her dad was there, he was fairly certain he'd be in trouble for that one.
"Uncle Jack, I was telling you bout the documentary I saw last week on Animal Planet," Sydney said insistently, sitting up on her knees in her chair.
"Oh, right, about the monkeys," Jack said, taking a giant gulp of water.
"Not monkeys," Sydney insisted. "Ring-tailed Lemurs. And there was a white one. Not albino though, because he had blue eyes, so he was called Sapphire..."
The only thing that made the documentary reenactment slightly better than listening to Daniel go on about rocks all day was the fact that Sydney was so darn cute. Plus he was pretty sure Carter would be impressed with his patience.
After dinner was over, the youngest kids were taken upstairs by their respective moms for baths, leaving Carter's brothers to clean up the mess from dinner. Jack figured it was more than a fair trade-off for the excellent meal, and got up to help them. Carter, he noticed, was edging towards the stairs with Sydney.
"Sam, don't even think about it," Nigel called once he spotted her.
"What?" she asked innocently.
"You didn't cook. You're helping with the dishes."
"I didn't cook because they didn't want my help!" she objected. "It's not like... fine," she grumbled. "I'll be right back. Just have to show Syd something."
She hurried her niece up the stairs and came back down a few minutes later, joining the six men in the kitchen. "You know, it's so crowded in here I don't think you need another hand," Carter started.
Jamie laughed and said, "Nice try, Sammy," before shoving a stack of wet dishes in her arms and disappearing.
"Where's he going?" Chris demanded from where he was scouring a large pan.
"He's helping with the children I think," John assured him. Carter glowered and got to work.
By the time they were all finished in the kitchen, most of the kids were in their pajamas in the living room, which now smelt faintly of soap. Jack noticed the twin girls and Lily were gone already and assumed they'd already been put to bed. Sydney was also nowhere in sight, but judging by how excited she'd been when Carter had mentioned her computer, he had a pretty good idea of where she was.
"Carter, where do all these kids sleep?" he asked curiously as several of the adults booted them out of prime seating spots.
"The older ones sleep in that game room you were in. The couch in there folds out and we've got a bunch of sleeping bags. The littler ones usually stay with their parents. I know Grace and Kailey are, and I think Lily and maybe Piper are as well."
"Sounds like a finely honed system," he commented.
She nodded and was about to reply, but Rory hurried over to them carrying Jack's coat, which was ringing.
"Somebody's calling you, Uncle Jack," he said, handing it to him.
"Thanks," Jack said, fumbling in the pockets for the phone quickly. "O'Neill," he said into the phone, shrugging at Carter's curious expression.
"Jack, Merry Christmas," General Hammond said over the phone.
"General, hi. No emergencies on base, I hope," Jack said quietly, taking the phone into the next room so he could hear better.
"No, no, nothing like that. Just with the weather and all, I was wondering if you're going to try to make it tomorrow for dinner. There's a lot of snow, I know, but you've got that big truck..."
"Actually, I won't be able to make it, sir, but thank you very much for inviting me," Jack said, wincing and hoping the General wouldn't pry to much. It just wouldn't look very good.
"No problem, Jack, enjoy your holiday. You got a better offer then, I take it?"
"No, sir, not at all. Actually, it's kind of funny..." he started cautiously.
"Uncle Jack, come on, we're going to watch a Christmas movie now!" Julia said loudly, running into the room and grabbing his hand, trying to drag him but of course having no success.
"Hang on a second," Jack said, holding the phone away from his mouth. "You can start it without me," he told the little girl, who looked mortified at the very thought.
"But it's 'Home Alone!'" she argued. Jack could hear General Hammond laughing on the other end of the phone.
That is, until Carter came into the room and Julia said (loud enough to be heard on P2X545, Jack was positive), "Aunt Sam, he's not coming. Maybe if you drag his other arm..."
"Julia, he's talking to our boss, it could be about something very important," Carter said quietly to her, pulling her off Jack. "I'm sure he'll be able to figure out the movie if we go ahead and start it now."
Julia sighed and went back into the living room. Jack held out the cell phone, pointing it at Carter, so she could hear General Hammond yelling, as if she couldn't already. Wincing, she mouthed, "Sorry," and hurried back into the living room before he could object, leaving him all alone to deal with a no-doubt red-faced General who was not too happy with him at the moment.
"General, please, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this," Jack finally said, once the General had to stop ranting about proper behavior and regulations long enough to catch his breath.
"I am, as they say, all ears, UNCLE Jack," Hammond said evenly.
"Right. Well, see, Carter's family's in for the holiday, obviously, and this morning when she got up a pipe had burst in her basement, so I came over to try to help her get it under control before they all got here, and by the time we had it fixed, her whole family was here and so was about a foot and a half of snow. I know what you're thinking, I could've made it home in that much snow in the truck, but see, she's got a whole bunch of brothers and sisters I didn't know about, so there are four cars parked behind me that can't be backed out. Sir."
He stopped, holding his breath, wondering if the General was going to buy it. It was the truth of course, but ever since the zay'tarc incident, Jack had been worried that his every waking thought was under scrutiny and he was about a quarter inch away from a court martial.
"All right, Jack. I know I overreacted just now, but you have to understand..."
"I do, sir. I know that sounded bad. But you have to know that I would never do anything to jeopardize my position at the SGC, sir. I know how important SG-1 is to the planet's defense and..."
"You can save that speech, Jack, because honestly, I'm not so sure about you anymore, but I do know Major Carter, so I'm not worried."
"Yes, sir. And, ah, just in case you had any lingering doubts... keep in mind there are about twenty chaperones here."
General Hammond laughed and said, "Enjoy your holiday, Jack."
"Thank you sir, you too."
"And tell Major Carter 'Merry Christmas' for me as well, and make sure she knows that I'm not upset."
"Yes, sir."
Jack closed his phone, staring at it in relief and mild surprise. General Hammond didn't trust him not to... but he did trust Carter, huh. Interesting. And probably pretty smart, too, Jack decided. He was still collecting his thoughts when Carter poked her head back into the kitchen, biting her lip nervously.
"Relax. I explained the situation and he understood completely," he said, pocketing his phone.
"He did?" she asked, looking surprised.
"Yup. And wanted me to tell you Merry Christmas."
"Wow. That was nice. So there's no emergency on base or anything..."
"No, he was just calling about tomorrow, seeing if I was going to try and come in all the snow."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
They stared at each other for a few moments, Jack still thinking about what the General had said. Finally, Carter cleared her throat and said, "Popcorn."
"Huh?" Jack asked.
"Popcorn. I'm supposed to make popcorn," she said, going over to her pantry.
"Oh." He watched her grab a box of microwaveable popcorn and pull out several prewrapped bags. "That's a lot of popcorn," he commented.
She smiled and said, "There are a lot of people in there."
"Yes there are," he agreed, watching her pop the bag into the microwave and hit a few buttons. The microwave came to life and he said, "I didn't know you knew how to make popcorn."
"Very funny, Colonel."
"Thank you, Carter," he said, hands in his pockets, rocking on his heels slightly.
"You know, most of the people in there are Carters. Except for John and their kids."
"Astute observation, Major-Doctor. What's your point?"
"Nevermind," she said quickly, busying herself by opening several cabinets and gathering several different bowls to put all the popcorn in. He watched her curiously, thinking hard.
It finally hit him. Was that an invitation to call her 'Sam?' Nah, it couldn't have been. She was the one who kept throwing 'sirs' around and wouldn't call him anything other than Colonel, except for that one time when she had that damn snake in her brain. Frowning at the unpleasant memory, he searched the room for something to clear his brain.
"Um, drinks?" he asked.
"Sir?"
"You need drinks with popcorn, right? Want me to get them?"
She smiled and said, "I should probably do that, sir."
"I can do it, I want to help."
"Thank you. But do you know what everybody in there wants?"
"Well, no but how hard could it be?"
She pulled out a large tray, set it on the counter, and said, "All right. Emily, Chris, and I will want Dr. Pepper, but I want diet and Chris will want a lime in his. John will take water, Jamie will want Coke, Caroline will want Coke but can't have it because of the caffeine because she's pregnant, so she'll want diet cherry 7 up. Mark likes Vanilla Coke, Anne likes Sprite, Nigel will want tea, but I'll have to make more because we finished it at dinner, and Karen will want seltzer water. Now, all of the kids will be begging for soda if they see all that, so we've got to put all the drinks in cups with ice, collect all their sippy cups, and give them milk, water, or juice. Sydney and Piper are allergic to milk, so Piper will drink chocolate soy milk, but Sydney hates it. And Conor can't have apple juice this late at night or he'll wet the bed, and then wake everybody sleeping on that sofa bed upstairs up, and they won't be happy campers, to say the least, so..."
"So I'll make the popcorn," Jack interrupted, holding his head as if he had a terrible headache.
Carter smiled and said, "Good plan, sir."
"Stop with the sir."
"Sorry."
Fifteen minutes later, they took the tray of drinks and several bowls of popcorn into the living room. Everything was distributed, and Carter found she had two extra drinks. Doing a quick survey, she asked, "Where are Mark and Karen?"
Gwen giggled and pointed to the far entrance to the living room. "Oh brother," Carter muttered under her breath. Jack followed her eyes and swallowed hard, as Carter's twin brother and his wife were making out like teenagers under a sprig of mistletoe. Nobody else seemed to find anything unusual about it, but Jamie did say, "All right, break it up, you two, we're ready to start the movie."
They separated immediately, and Karen came over and claimed the last large, empty chair, but Mark pulled the mistletoe off the frame and disappeared with it. "Umm, Carter, what..."
"It's a stupid family tradition," Carter explained, sitting down on the crowded couch next to Rory and sliding him onto her lap so Jack would have room to sit down.
'Room to sit down,' in the crowded Carter household, meant that he was sitting so close to Carter he thought he might be smashing her against the arm rest of the couch, but she seemed perfectly comfortable, despite the child who was obviously making himself comfortable in her lap, settling down for the long haul apparently. Jack wasn't about to complain about the seating arrangements.
"It's not stupid, Sam, it's tradition," Emily scolded mildly, picking up the remote and pressing Play so that the movie started. There was a chorus of cheers from the kids, and from Chris and Nigel as well. "It's just something we started doing a long time ago, Jack," Emily explained to him. "After you get caught under the mistletoe, you get to move it to another location. Then the next people that get caught move it again."
"Anywhere they want?" he asked curiously.
"Yes," Emily answered, the same time four other people told him the exact opposite.
She smiled and explained, "We had to modify the rules when Sam was eighteen."
"Emily!" Carter said quickly, looking at her sister pointedly.
"Oh, relax, Sam, it's a funny story," Emily said dismissively, turning her attention back to Jack. "She had brought a boyfriend home from college and Chris, who was about seven at the time, I believe, kept moving it around because she got so embarrassed when they had to kiss in front of everybody."
Jack grinned at Carter, who was blushing like mad and refusing to look at him. She whispered something to Rory, who giggled and said, "Auntie said you're evil, Mommy."
Emily just rolled her eyes and continued her story. "So, Sam's solution to the problem was to 'relocate' the mistletoe to the garbage. At which point we had to impose a few rules for future years."
"So it can't be thrown away, obviously, and it has to be hung somewhere that's above the tallest person's head," Chris explained.
"Shh, the movie's starting!" Matty objected. Everyone got obediently quiet. Mark soon returned and shared the big chair with his wife. Jack looked down at the floor in front of the coffee table, where most of the kids who were still up were stretched out side by side on their tummies, chins propped up on elbows, bowls of popcorn and sippy cups between them. He thought they looked like sardines. Really adorable sardines. In footy pajamas and nightgowns.
Rory caught his attention, because he was squirming around in Carter's lap, trying to get comfortable. He settled finally, at an angle where he was half-facing Jack, half looking at the TV, his feet dangling over into his lap. "Hey, who are you going to be tomorrow?" Jack asked him curiously.
"Me," Rory answered, as though it was the most ridiculous question ever.
"Oh. I thought you dressed up every day."
"Every day but Christmas. On Christmas I gotta be me, or how else would Santa know who to give the presents to?" he asked evenly.
"Ah, good point," Jack conceded.
"SHH!" Matty scolded again.
"Matty," his mother warned. "You've seen this a hundred times, relax."
As far as children's movies went, Jack had to admit this one was pretty decent. It did make him laugh out loud a few times, and it wasn't too bad. He wondered what Carter thought of it. He had never pictured her in this type of situation. She was great with Cassie, of course, but Cassie was older, and past the stage where she wanted to watch silly movies with adults and fall asleep in their laps. He had always figured that she was so smart she would be bored to death in a setting like this.
She seemed to be having a pretty good time though, and he finally had to stop glancing sideways at her because the last time he did, she had been smelling Rory's damp hair. The look on her face and the comfortable, sleepy looking adorable boy on her lap (who looked like the definition of content snuggling with her) had made it very difficult for him to restrain himself from displacing the kid and dragging her all over the house until they found that damn mistletoe.
That thought, combined with General Hammond's earlier warning, scared him enough into staring straight at the screen, although he was no longer paying any attention to the movie.
Until Emily quietly said, "Rory, thumb." He glanced to his side and saw that Rory was barely awake, blinking very slowly, with his thumb in his mouth. A small puddle of drool was forming on Carter's chest, but she didn't seem to mind. Rory was too sleepy and comfortable to make his hand obey his mom.
Smiling at him fondly from across the room, Emily said, "Sammy, get his thumb please." Carter gently tugged the little boy's hand away from his mouth, squeezed it lightly, and let go. He wrapped his tiny arm around her neck, snuggled even closer to her, and closed his eyes, down for the count.
By the time the movie was over, he wasn't the only one. A few of the kids were asleep, and most of them looked close to it. They were rounded up gently and led or carried upstairs, Carter leaving with Rory since he was already attached to her. Chris and Jack were left alone with Mark, who had fallen asleep as well in his chair. Chris fixed that by tossing a throw pillow at him. Mark jerked awake, looked around in confusion, and said, "Kids gone to bed?"
"Yeah. You joining them?"
"No way. I'll go make the coffee," he said, getting up, stretching, and going into the kitchen.
"Coffee?" Jack asked Chris.
"Um, yeah, since we're all together, we tend to sleep as little as possible on weekends like this. I'm sure nobody would mind if you wanted to go to bed now though... speaking of which, where are you sleeping?"
"I'm not sure."
"Well, I'm sure Sam's got a plan. I hope for your sake she's not putting you with me. I'm in with the kids. They get up wicked early for presents."
"I'm used to getting up early and little sleep. I'm sure I'll survive."
"Good."
Mark called out to them, "If I were you guys I'd come get some coffee before the pack attacks."
Chris grinned and offered Jack a hand up, clapping him on the back on their way into the kitchen. "Don't bother avoiding Mark. He's really a teddy bear. He and Sam area lot alike, he's just giving you a hard time since Dad's not around."
There were so many things Jack wanted time to ponder about that statement, but he didn't have time, as he was ushered into the kitchen and soon found himself drinking coffee with Chris and Mark. "Um, look, Mark," Jack started, feeling the need to say something to the man and not counting on being so close to alone with him again. "I'm sorry you're uncomfortable with me being here, but I assure you, I am your sister's Commanding Officer and friend. That's all."
Mark looked surprised and impressed that Jack had confronted him directly. Finally, he shook his head slightly, set down his coffee cup, and smiled briefly at Jack. "Then I'm sorry too," he said sincerely. "Not for giving you a hard time, that's my job. But I'm sorry if that's all you really are to each other, because it's perfectly obvious to anybody with eyes that there's..."
Several more members of the Carter family, including his 2IC, filed into the kitchen. Mark stopped talking abruptly and Chris loudly said, "Coffee, anyone!" to cover for the awkward silence.
Jack and Mark exchanged significant looks. Jack finally nodded at him, deciding he quite liked Carter's twin brother.
After everyone had access to coffee, Jamie clapped his hands together and said, "All right, what will it be this year?"
Jack turned to Carter automatically for an explanation. "We always play a board game on Christmas eve," she explained.
"Why?" he asked curiously.
"I have no idea. We played a lot when we were younger, but now it's just... something we always do on Christmas eve."
"RISK!" Chris said loudly. A chorus of support and objections started.
"We all know who will win if we play Risk, where's the fun in that?" Emily asked fairly.
"We don't KNOW Sam will win," Chris argued.
"Hey! I'm undefeated!" Carter objected.
"Oh no you're not," Mark insisted. "Dad and I beat you once."
"That game did NOT count!" Carter argued.
"Oh, not again," Emily muttered quietly.
Carter turned to Jack and explained, "We played a game in 1981 that didn't count."
"It did so count," Mark and Nigel said at the same time.
"Why didn't it count?" Jack wanted to know.
"Because I had a broken right arm, so it was in a cast and I had to roll with my left hand, so my rolling was off," she said matter-of-factly.
He broke into a grin.
"What?" she asked defensively.
"Nothing," he said, holding up his hands quickly.
"And you know that game didn't count," she said to Mark. "And Dad told you not to bring it up again."
"And yet, every time we play Risk it gets brought up," Emily said. "Not to mention we have never played that game without some sort of... incident."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Carter said evenly.
"Oh really," Emily challenged. "Do I need to bring up what happened when we played at the lake? Dad had to drive forty miles to the nearest hospital with Jamie screaming his head off in the backseat the entire time."
"That was an accident!" Carter and Mark insisted simultaneously.
"Okay, I have to hear this story," Jack said, grinning at his 2IC, who crossed her arms defiantly and glared at her sister.
"That was an accident, Emily, and you know it," she said evenly.
"Maybe," Emily conceded. "But if you guys hadn't jumped Jamie it wouldn't have happened, would it?"
"No," they both admitted.
Emily turned to Jack and said, "There was a dispute over... Irkutsk, wasn't it?" she asked, looking at Nigel for confirmation. He nodded. She continued. "Mark and Sam were on a team, and when they couldn't agree with Nigel, they both jumped on him, a huge wrestling match started, the board went flying, the pieces went flying, and somehow in all the scuffle, Jamie got an X lodged up his nose."
Jack turned to Carter slowly. She shrugged sheepishly. "Accident," she repeated.
"Accident my ass," Jamie put in. "You weren't the one with that thing shoved so far up your nose it was practically in your brain. The doctor had to stick that alligator clamp way up there and... it wasn't fun."
Mark snorted, trying not to laugh. Jack shook his head.
"Anyway, I was injured during that whole thing as well," Carter insisted.
"Oh you got a carpet burn, big deal," Jamie said grumpily. "Go get the board." He and Carter exchanged silent challenges and she took off. Caroline waddled after her, saying she was very tired and wanted to go ahead and go to sleep as well.
"How exactly do you play Risk with this many people?" Jack asked curiously.
"Teams," Chris answered. "You can be with Sam."
"Now wait a minute, that's really not fair," Nigel argued. "I mean they're both Air Force, we don't need that kind of strategy to fight against. He might actually be able to beat her."
"Or they'd just both figure out each other's strategies and cancel each other out. Come on, we can't make him be with someone else. Jack, you're with Sam," Chris said firmly, silently daring his brother to raise any more objections.
"This is a mistake," Emily muttered quietly. "There's too much snow for an ambulance to get to us."
Jack laughed at that, and followed them all into the living room to play Risk.