Disclaimer
I wish I wrote Harry Potter because then I would have a huge mansion with lots of cooks and cleaners etc. Any volunteers!? Yes, No!? Tell me in your reviews, we'll sort out the details later! JK beat me to the post so I'm left with writing fanfiction. Any thing you recognise is hers, everything else is mine.
Harry saw Sirius duck Bellatrix's jet of red light: he was laughing at her.
'Come on, you can do better than that!' he yelled, his voice echoing around the cavernous room.
The second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest.
The laughter had not quite died from his face, but his eyes widened in shock.
Harry released Neville, though he was unaware of doing so. He was jumping down the steps again, pulling out his wand, as Dumbledore, too, turned towards the dais.
It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall: his body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backwards through the ragged veil hanging from the arch.
Harry saw the look of mingled fear and surprise on his godfather's wasted, once-handsome face as he fell through the ancient doorway and disappeared behind the veil, which fluttered for a moment as though in a high wind, then fell back into place.
Harry heard Bellatrix Lestrange's triumphant scream, but knew it meant nothing -
Sirius had only just fallen through the archway, he would reappear from the other side any second...
But Sirius did not reappear.
'SIRIUS!' Harry yelled. 'SIRIUS!'
He had reached the floor, his breath coming in searing gasps. Sirius must be just behind the curtain, he, Harry, would pull him back out...
But as he reached the ground and sprinted towards the dais, Lupin grabbed Harry around the chest, holding him back.
There's nothing you can do, Harry -'
'Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!'
'-It's too late, Harry.'
'We can still reach him -' Harry struggled hard and viciously, but Lupin would not let go...
There's nothing you can do, Harry... nothing... he's gone.'
"He's gone! He's gone! He's gone!"
Harry could still hear the words echoing in his head as he woke up from the nightmare he had had every night ever since Sirius had disappeared behind the veil. He shivered with both anger and cold, surprised to find his pillow was wet with tears he was unable to shed when awake.
"I'm sorry Sirius," he whispered for the hundredth time
"I'm so sorry, if only I had tried harder, if only I had reacted faster, if only that stupid veil had had a security charm around it so that any one who got too close would be thrown backwards, how comes the veil of death didn't have more protection around it? You needn't have died, it was an accident, completely needless!" he muttered all in one breath and shivered again and finally realised his movements were not encumbered by warm blankets.
"Not again" he growled as he resignedly got off from his bed and found the tangled blankets on the floor. He had kicked them off in his urgent need to get to Sirius. As he made his bed again Harry listened to Ron's rhythmic deep breaths, his dreams undisturbed.
You don't know how lucky you are, thought Harry as having finished making his bed habitable again, he moved to get a glass of water. He felt as if his throat was parched and that he hadn't drank anything for days.
Harry moved to the window, where the light of the full moon was shining through a slit in the crimson, almost floor length, velvet curtains. He looked down, remembering another occasion when he had done the same thing and seen the huge black dog running wraith like through the misty, silvery grounds with Crookshanks close to his side.
Everything leads back to him, he thought sadly. Having finished his drink Harry got into bed and tried to get back to sleep again.
When he did finally get back to sleep, after a lot of tossing and turning, it was to find himself standing in the midst of the fight once more.
'Come on, you can do better than that!' Yelled Sirius ducking the jet of red light that Bellatrix Lestrange had sent towards him.
"You have to be much faster if you want to get me" Sirius laughed. The laughter was still in his face as another jet of light came towards him sending him backwards.
"No!" yelled Harry as he let go of Neville. He pulled out his wand and shouted
"Accio Sirius!" his godfather came zooming towards Harry. A maddened Bellatrix lunged for the tall man zooming through the air. She nearly caught his robes but he streaked passed her outstretched hands, leaving only the torn edge of his robes in her tightly closed fist.
As the rest of the order members began to round up all the death eaters, Harry flung himself into his godfathers' arms.
"Sirius I'm so glad you're alright", cried Harry, hugging him tightly.
"Of course I am alright Harry, you'd need some one much worse than Bella to get rid of me!" laughed Sirius.
"I thought she had got you," said Harry in a rather muffled voice into Sirius' robes.
"Harry" said Sirius, moving the sobbing boy slightly away from him so that he could look at him.
"Listen to me! I know you lost your parents very young and that you have had no adult totally there for you, but I promise that I will always be there for you, whenever you need to talk or even when you throw a teen age temper tantrum and tell me to get lost! You're stuck with me kid, and when my name is cleared, you will come and live with me at Grimmauld Place. I'll even take down my mother's portrait, rip it up slowly and flush the pieces down the toilet." Harry was still laughing as he rose to full consciousness, feeling happy and content for the first time in a long time, until he remembered that it had been just a dream, a dream made up by his guilty, frantic brain and all the sadness and anger came back with double the strength.
You broke you're promise, Harry thought as he pounded the pillow until he remembered that Sirius had never made such a promise outside of his dream.
"Wake up sleepy head," said a cheery voice flinging back the curtains from Harry's four-poster bed.
"Go away, Ron!" growled Harry.
"But its Christmas" said Ron,
"Time for opening presents, I'm not going to let you bury yourself in self pity today." And he virtually dragged Harry out of bed. Christmas! Last Christmas he had been staying with Sirius, how happy they had been. Don't think about that today of all days. He admonished himself angrily.
"Happy Christmas" said Ron
"Look who's just come in, come to pay your usual Christmas visit Hermione?"
"Yes," said Hermione putting down a struggling Croockshanks who immediately began to attack the brightly wrapped presents at the foot of Ron's bed.
"Happy Christmas Ron" she said giving Ron a quick kiss on the cheek.
"Ha-happy Christmas, Hermione" stammered Ron going a brilliant shade of red.
"Happy Christmas Harry" she then said turning to Harry and giving him a kiss too.
"Is it?" Said Harry morosely.
"Come on Harry, open this one, it's from me" she said briskly, ignoring his tone and offering him a bulky parcel.
"Advanced Defence Against The Dark Arts For The Gifted" said Harry opening her parcel,
"Thanks Hermione, I'm sure that will come in handy" when I meet Voldemort for the last time, he thought to himself but nevertheless offered a tiny smile to Hermione.
"Harry, I-I just wanted to say that you will get over this, it will get easier with time, and always remember that Ron and I are always here if you want to talk."
"Yeah, any time mate," agreed Ron from amongst load of present wrappers and a jumble of opened presents.
"Thanks, now let's go have breakfast, I'm really hungry," said Harry in an effort to change the subject. Hermione and Ron had told him many times that they were there if he wanted to talk but he couldn't seem to get past the huge lump in his chest and throat.
"Okay." said Hermione exchanging a worried glance with Ron.
"'Come on then." But when they finally started breakfast Harry found that he was not very hungry at all. He tried to eat the delicious food that was disappearing at a great speed all around him, but which to him might be made out of cardboard for all the enthusiasm he had for it. By the time every one had finished Harry's plate was still almost completely full.
"Harry you must try to eat some more" said Hermione in a tone that reminded Harry strongly of Mrs. Weasley. Don't think of her, she didn't like Sirius either, the way she kept arguing with him every chance she got.
"I'm not that hungry after all," he said
"Let's go, I can see Ron's dying to play with his presents."
"Excuse me!" said Ron In mock outrage.
"You don't think I'm still a child Harry"
"Some times I wonder," said Harry dodging out of Ron's reach.
In the afternoon after a hearty Christmas dinner, whilst Hermione was engrossed in a book about the derivation of house elves and Ron was reading a new book out about his favourite quidditch team, Harry sat gazing into the common room fire. If Sirius was alive now, he thought I would probably be with him. He imagined the snowball fights they would have, the wrestling matches, all the quidditch they would play. Sirius had been a fantastic beater when he was at school, Harry could see the two of them zooming over the countryside in the summer, whizzing in and out of the tall leafy trees.
"Earth to Harry" said Ron waving his hand in front of Harry's face.
"What?" demanded Harry blinking.
"I've been calling you for about two minutes, 'we were wondering if you wanted to come outside to have a snowball fight?"
"Yeah, okay," said Harry getting up, "let me just get my cloak."
"Great" said Ron, he looked surprised, having obviously expected it to be much more hard work to persuade Harry to come.
"You can't both attack me at the same time" laughed Hermione much later.
"You and Harry had no qualms about attacking a poor, defenceless, innocent me earlier. And you were so vicious Hermione, the whirlwind of snowballs you threw at me. Several went down my neck!" said Ron as he threw another snowball at Hermione.
"Careful Ron, You don't want to get Hermione angry, or snow balls will be the least of your problems." Said Harry warningly. Although his voice was serious, his eyes were dancing with laughter.
"I suppose your right," said Ron assuming a scared voice and leaping back as if he expected Hermione to jump at him.
"Stop being so childish you two, you are behaving like five year olds," said Hermione in a realistic imitation of Percy's clipped, slightly pompous voice that caused the other two to roar with laughter again.
"Look at the riffraff of this school" drawled Draco Malfoy lazily, coming over with Crabbe and Goyle.
"Potty who's been even more potty than usual, the weasel who is a hanger on as usual. Trying to get titbits off potty and the bushy haired mudblood are you weasel?" Crabbe and Goyle were laughing with vacant expressions as usual at Malfoy's every word.
"Get lost Malfoy," said Ron,
"I don't want to fight you today, it's Christmas after all"
"but then" continued Draco as if he hadn't heard Ron
"I suppose that even titbits is more than your family can afford, I hear those twin buffoons you call brothers, have opened a joke shop, did they have to sell your mother to pay for the deposit? I'm surprised that she fetched so much!" as Ron lunged for Malfoy with Hermione desperately holding on to his cloak
"Ron you can't get into trouble on Christmas day! You are a prefect now, you have to set an example."
"Let - me - go!" Harry pelted two huge snow balls at Malfoy's head, who having not been expecting it fell on to the deep snow getting his fine clothes plastered and his sleek silver blond hair wet with dirty snow.
"Huh" said Ron giving up the fight to free himself from a panting Hermione. He too bent down and threw several of the already made snowballs in quick succession at Draco who was staggering to his feet.
"You'll pay for that," shouted Draco and as he opened his mouth to bellow at them again a snowball whizzed right into his mouth. Laughter exploded as Draco spluttered.
"Well done Harry, that was a great shot!"
"Thanks Ron" said Harry laughing too as Malfoy and his cronies hastily made for the safety of the castle, no doubt to inform any teachers that happened to be there. Then Harry stopped, realising what he had been doing, was he so fickle that he could laugh and smile at trivialities when the only father he could really remember had died. For Sirius had been a second father, in all the ways it counted. Like James, Sirius had given up a lot to be with Harry, he had exchanged a life of comparative freedom under the vast, clear, hot African skies for that of hiding in a cave and eating rats. Unlike James, Harry had real memories of Sirius. He could remember laughing and smiling with Sirius, sharing meals with him. All he could remember of James was his last moments as he told Lily to run with Harry and keep him safe, dragged up by the dementors, memories which by their nature were bitter-sweet since it was great to have memories of his parents although it was their last minutes.
How can I laugh, as if nothing has happened? Wondered Harry guiltily.
"Harry, are you alright," said Hermione in a concerned voice
"You look really pale"
"I-I don't feel so good. I think I'll go inside, you two carry on though, "
"Nah, it's not so fun with just the two of us" said Ron hastily.
"And it's getting dark anyway." The three friends squelched their way in hoping not to meet Filch or Mrs. Norris on the way.
"I've got occlumency in a few minutes" said Harry to Ron, Hermione and Ginny who were sitting with him in the almost empty common room three days after Christmas. Ginny had gone home for a short while but had come back the day before since she said she couldn't do any work with all the explosions coming out of Fred and George's room.
"They're being much worse than usual, since they opened that shop of theirs. It's my O.W.L year after all!"
"She's as bad as Hermione," Ron had said to Harry, but in a low voice so that his sister and Hermione could not hear.
"But it's the holidays, you can't have lessons during the holidays!" said Ron aghast.
"That's what I said to Snape,"
"And what did he say to that?" Asked Ginny. Harry mimicked Snape's silky, cultured voice
"I'm sorry to so inconvenience you potter, but the dark lord won't wait for the end of your holidays! Whilst your mind is only slightly harder to get into than a door with the key still in the lock, to use a muggle expression, you need plenty of practice at occlumency."
"He said that?" burst out Ron and Ginny.
"The git!" Added Ron.
"Harry why don't you ask for some one else to teach you?"
"Ron, don't you think Harry has tried?" said Hermione before Harry could say anything.
"Professor Snape is one of the best at occlumency."
"Why can't Dumbledore teach him then?"
"He's too scared, scared Voldemort will put a curse on him if he comes to near me. That's why he wouldn't even look at me last year and it looks like he still hasn't changed."
"Harry, Dumbledore was doing it for your own good, to help you." said Hermione consolingly.
"Dumbledore is a manipulative man who sees me as a tool to be used as necessary, he doesn't care about me," replied Harry angrily.
"I'm sure that's not true, he cares about you a lot," said Hermione.
"How would you know anything about it?"
"Well I-I have seen - seen how worried he has been about you over the last few months." she replied, trying to look into his piercing emerald eyes. When had those warm, clear, innocent orbs become so cold and hard? She wondered.
"I'm going to occlumency, not that it will be of any use," said Harry getting up and flinging open the fat lady's portrait.
"I'm seriously worried about him," confided Hermione as Harry disappeared.
"You're not the only one," admitted Ron running a hand through his hair, which is what he did when he was really worried.
"Will he ever get out of this mood?" Asked Ginny.
"I honestly don't know," said Hermione
"But we and the whole world will be in a lot of trouble if the boy who lived becomes what we are all trying to destroy." There was silence at her words, as Ginny and Ron contemplated a dark, extremely powerful Harry Potter.
"But he seemed happy, at least he laughed for the first time in months at the snow ball fight but since then he has gone back to how he used to be right after you know?"
"Well there you are then, he's feeling guilty for laughing." said Ginny.
"What?" burst out Ron and Hermione.
"It's not unheard of, I felt guilty for ages whenever I laughed or enjoyed myself after the chamber of secrets incident. People had nearly been killed because of my stupidity! And I was laughing and joking as if nothing had happened."
"You can't go on like that forever though, how did you get out of the mood?" Asked Hermione.
"I realised that what had happened, had happened and that blaming myself wouldn't change anything, I would just be hurting myself but the world would carry on as it always does. Harry's grief is so strong because he feels mainly responsible for Sirius' death. Yes, Lestrange did the actual killing but it was Harry's mistake, which had brought his godfather there in the first place – to save and protect Harry. He has to forgive himself before he can enjoy life again and there is no telling how long that will take."
"But we will be there with him all the way." said Hermione briskly getting to her feet.
"Where are you going?" demanded Ron.
"The library."
"Why?"
"I want to read up on the process of grieving and how it affects different people, I am amazed I didn't do so before," said Hermione hurriedly as she disappeared through the portrait, leaving a baffled Ron to shake his head at his unruffled sister.