Disclaimer in chapter 1.

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Chapter 2

On an early February Sunday afternoon, whilst most of the students were by the lake taking advantage of the unusually balmy spring day, Harry once again found himself hastening down to the dungeons.

I'll be in for it now thought Harry as he ran down corridor after corridor and jumped down the steps three at a time. How had he managed to fall asleep before meeting Snape of all people? Of course he knew exactly why he had dozed off, the repeated nightmares had meant that he was going to bed about three or four o'clock in the morning in hopes that his mind would be so exhausted that he would be able to sleep. This had resulted in him occasionally dozing off at odd moments, he didn't take dreamless sleep potion as he didn't want Dumbledore and especially Snape to know that he was still having problems sleeping. Surely he should be over it by now, Sirius had died eight months ago after all and he didn't want people to think he was weak. Also madam Pomfrey had explained that he couldn't carry on taking sleepless dream potion since there was a strong likelihood of addiction.

"S-sorry I'm late professor Snape," panted Harry as he ran into Snape's office.

"Potter, you are twenty minutes late," snapped Snape before Harry had even shut the door. Snape was already getting a throbbing on his temples that he knew would develop into a stupendous headache. The lengthy bout of the cruciatus curse that he had received just that morning for failing to assassinate the head of law enforcement had left him feeling seriously enraged with the dark lord and the death eaters in particular and the world in general. Seeing the sun of his school nemesis was not his idea of compensation for everything he was forced to endure.

"You may think that your fame means that you can get away with breaking rules and doing anything you want but I have not given up my Sunday afternoon during the middle of term only for you to turn up late."

"Professor McGonagall only told me about this lesson at breakfast." said Harry, rather annoyed by Snape's tone.

"That is no excuse. Some of us are very busy with other activities, I have to fit you in when I can. Do not be late again. Now get ready, I would have thought that Famous Harry potter would be able to defend his mind more affectively by now. Legilimens!"

About an hour later Harry was again to be found swaying on his feet, desperately trying not to fall onto Snape's floor. As it was, he was bruised all over from awkward landings, a few weeks earlier he had asked Snape if they could have cushions but Snape had refused saying that if Harry didn't want bruises he should make sure that he could defend his mind better and that a few more such falls may teach him to try harder.

"That was good potter, you stopped me from getting in once again but you have to do it in a more efficient manner, since you cannot sway like this in front of the dark lord. His attacks will be much stronger, and more brutal." Harry supposed that this was Snape's way of complimenting him on his progress and wearily asked

"Thanks, sir, can I go now?"

"Certainly not, you have thirty-five more minutes. Now that you have finally managed to keep me out of your mind for five times in a row, I intend you to practice as much as possible so that the ability should not slip again from that abnormally thick skull of yours." Answered Snape pressing a hand to the side of his aching head, too bad you couldn't take anti headache potion on top of the anti-cruciatus one. His head was starting to feel as if a couple of trolls were hammering on it but he was not one to shirk his responsibility.

"Legilimens." Harry was taken slightly by surprise and said the first spell which came to his head which happened to be a very strong deflecting charm that he had found in 'advanced defence against the dark arts for the gifted' which he had been practicing that morning. Immediately he saw memories that were not his own.

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"Avadakadavra, avadakadavra, avadakadavra!" Said a voice that Harry recognised was from a much younger Snape. The spells were uttered so fast that the light from one mingled into the other to form a giant wave of bright green light. When the light had faded he saw three crumpled bodies on the floor, which were obviously of a mother, a father and their child. Above them he saw a boy in his late teens with greasy black hair whose black eyes were staring down at the bodies with contempt.

"Didn't put up much of a fight after all your bragging, did you McKinnon?" said Snape as he kicked the small body of the McKinnon child away from his father.

"All finished here Severus?" drawled Lucius Malfoy opening the door and entering the room. He gazed first at the bodies without emotion and then up at Snape.

"I don't know why you always insist taking your mask off before a killing. You know that there is a spell on it to disguise the voice?"

"I see that you have taken it off yourself." Stated Snape.

"Well, they are all dead, no one to see me now and the aurors are too late as usual. Come. The dark lord will be pleased with tonight's work."

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Sunset, on an early summer's evening. Harry was sitting next to Snape who was staring into the lake, an open book on his lap. As Snape looked over at the far side of the lake he suddenly stiffened. Wondering what had startled him, Harry too looked, a couple, their arms around each other were passionately kissing. Harry blushed, his face a furious red, quickly looking back at Snape he was surprised to see a pained expression on his potion master's face as he twisted a corner of his robes between his fingers.

"Damn potter and damn her!" said Snape suddenly. Startled, Harry looked back at the couple; they were gazing at each other, obviously in a world of their own. He saw the woman's long red hair, some of which was lying over the man's shoulders. As Snape stood up, a loud voice cried

"Severus, there you are, I've been looking for you for ages. Ooohhh!" a boy had ran up from the castle but stopped in surprise as he too noticed the kissing couple.

The couple stepped apart, lily's face went a brilliant shade of crimson to find that they had had an audience, her vivid green eyes widening in embarrassment whilst James, after a moment's surprise, grinned at Snape and put his arm around lily whilst he waved with the other hand.

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Harry was abruptly brought out of Snape's memory, to find himself lying against the wall. His head was throbbing from being hit so forcefully against the unyielding surface.

"Ow," gasped Harry trying to sit up.

"150 points from Griffindor." Hissed Snape towering over Harry.

"What you-you can't, what for, I didn't do anything!"

"You once again invaded my memories when your only command had been to defend your mind against my attack, or did those words very conveniently slip out of that abnormally big head of yours potter?" Harry slowly rose to his feet, anger such as he had not felt since he had been in the head master's office, throwing everything he could lay his hands on against the wall.

"I have done everything that you have asked me without complaint, I have taken all your insults against my father, my godfather and my friends without uttering a word of protest but you have now gone too far. What I did was purely instinctive, I was surprised and said the spell that first came to my mind. Why would I want to look at your memories anyway? I have enough memories of death and torture to last a life time without wanting yours as well."

"Potter, you never hesitate to poke your nose into things that ought not to concern you. You didn't hesitate last year did you?" asked Snape triumphantly.

"You are just like your father and your fool of a godfather ..."

"Oh not that again, can't you get over a school boy's grudge for two seconds? My father has been dead for fifteen years, surely it is time you got over the events that you have turned from a molehill into a mountain. Ok, maybe my father and his friends bullied you at school but you have not been doing a bad job of taking revenge against them on a child. Ever since I entered this school you have been putting me down at every opportunity, from trying to get me expelled to deliberately spoiling my potions so that I would get a mark of zero. And I can't imagine that you took their bullying sitting down, they would not have carried on bullying a person who did not respond in kind, they were good at heart and pranksters to boot and would not have carried on playing tricks on an unresponsive prey. I have heard that you knew more curses when you entered school than many seventh years did when they left Hogwarts. What did you do to them professor?"

Snape's face, naturally pale went two shades lighter, his eyes exuded black fire.

"That is enough Mr. Potter" said Snape in a dangerously soft voice, but Harry was too far-gone in his rage to stop. All the angry things he had thought of saying to Snape after every injustice came tumbling out.

"So you were jealous of my father, of his popularity, his talents on the quidditch pitch, his friends, and even that he got the girl you had a crush on." Snape was livid but could not seem to find the words to stop the barrage of Harry's anger. His headache, which by now had developed in to a tremendous migraine, pounded through his head. Snape leaned against a convenient desk and let the boy rave on.

"And Sirius ..." Harry stopped.

"Yes, carry on potter, you have come this far, you may as well let it all out."

"Well, you are a spy professor Snape, how comes you didn't think of a way to get me away from Umbridge, grabbing me, forcibly if necessary for an immediate detention comes to mind. Also you knew that Sirius couldn't leave Grimmauld place and yet you goaded him by telling him that he was a coward and had deliberately let himself be seen so that he wouldn't have to go out in public. And how comes it took you more than four hours to get the order arrive at the department of mysteries? We flew on some thestrils and yet we arrived considerably before the order all of whom could apparate."

"Potter, I am not your chaperone, nor your babysitter, Dolores Umbridge was the head mistress and I could not have taken you away from her without a lot of trouble." he paused to let Harry ponder over the fact that Snape did not consider Harry to be worth the trouble involved and continued

"Also at the time I did not think of the option you have suggested. If you're pointing out my inadequacies, then may I ask why neither you, nor three of your little gang who were all aware that I was a member of the order did not deem it necessary to inform me of your vision before you broke into the head mistresses office?" he waited for Harry to answer but when the boy just mumbled

"We forgot," at his shoes," Snape went on

"As for your father and his friends, yes I admit I tried to give as good as I got but I was one and they were four. The incident you saw in the pensieve was one of many such humiliations your so good and honourable father and his o so wonderful friends put me through. During these lessons I have seen that you have suffered at your relations' hands. Let me tell you, you will never forget the humiliation of being forced to sleep in a cupboard, or being locked in a room to be only let out to go to the toilet, or of being hunted by your cousin and his delightful friends. Weren't they also just chasing you for fun? As you suggest your father and his friends were doing with me? As for the order arriving late, I do not know the reason for the delay but do not think I delayed telling Dumbledore of your foolish actions because of my dislike for you. Also consider that neither my actions, nor that of the order, would have been necessary if you had practiced occlumency as every one had been telling you to do." Snape looked pleased at the effect his words were having on Harry, perhaps they would go in some way to reduce the boy's arrogance and belief that he was always right.

"Now, added to 150 points reduction you also have four weeks of detention for shouting at a teacher and invading his privacy. Go!"

A crushed Harry stumbled out of Snape's office, his mind in a whirl. He hurried up the stairs and walked quickly along several corridors. Far from making him feel better his outburst and Snape's reply that the events at the end of the previous year were all Harry's fault had left a bitter taste in his mouth and a lump in his throat. He is right, the stupid git, thought Harry, it was all my fault. He was hurrying through an intersection that linked several corridors when a familiar voice called out from the corridor to his left.

"Harry, wait," said a slightly breathless Hermione granger as she hefted her usual school bag with its twenty or so books up her back.

"How did occlumency go?" asked Hermione, lowering her voice, as she came up next to Harry.

"It was rubbish, I've lost 150 points and I have four weeks detention."

"What did you do?" asked Hermione looking incredulous.

"It wasn't even my fault. I looked into his memories by accident for which he took off the points and then when I pointed out that he couldn't do that, he gave me four weeks' detention for arguing with a teacher."

"Harry," said Hermione exasperatedly

"Didn't you learn anything from Umbridge last year?"

"So you're saying I should have said nothing but meekly let him take all those points off Griffindor for some thing that wasn't even my fault?" demanded Harry angrily.

"Well, you didn't achieve anything did you by arguing? You just got yourself detention for a whole month. How are you going to practice for quidditch? The match against Slytherin is in two weeks. When are you going to do your homework? Harry, you have to get over this, we all know that you have had a great loss but you have got to get over this. It's been almost eight months after all." Harry made to pass, he couldn't take Hermione's lecture right now.

"Listen Harry," said Hermione grabbing his arm and quickly pulling him into an empty classroom. Shutting the door she continued

"I hate to see you like this, always so angry or silent or brooding. Why don't you talk to me, or even Ron, he's been very anxious you know."

"So you two have been discussing me behind my back?"

"Well it's not as if we can talk about much in front of you now a days," said Hermione sharply.

"As I was saying, Ron has been very anxious about you, he says you have lost your enthusiasm for quidditch, although your flying is excellent as usual there is no pleasure for the sport."

"So I have had a couple of bad practice sessions."

"It's not just quidditch, you've lost your enthusiasm for life. You don't play exploding snap or chess with Ron, you no longer hound me to spend less time in the library, in fact since we returned from the summer holidays you have even been spending more time there than me."

Harry smiled slightly.

"Hermione you have spent the last six years telling Ron and I to work harder and now that I am you're telling me to ... stop?"

"I want the old Harry back, I want my best friend back, the one who survived so much and yet never lost his vitality and love of life."

"He's gone forever," said Harry sadly.

"Sirius wouldn't want you to be like this," said Hermione attacking from another direction.

"He would want you to enjoy your life, enjoy Hogwarts, he would want you to get up to your usual mischief. He would thoroughly disapprove of the way you have let yourself go." The concern in her voice made the lump in Harry's throat return bigger and harder than ever.

"You know if you continue like this for much longer, you will lose all your friends. It has become very hard being friends with you, you have been like a prickly thorn all year, we don't know when some thing we say may set you off, make you burst out in anger or make you sit there with a huge frown plastered onto your face for hours at a time. Frankly Harry you have been very unapproachable. Both Ron and I have tried to help but I don't know how much more we can take. We are only sixteen, we don't want to be lumbered down by a boy who will not even talk to us when he has a problem, who keeps secrets that are burning him slowly away. Don't deny it, I know some thing more occurred that night after we returned from the ministry." As she looked at Harry's guilty expression she went on more harshly than before.

"I can stand anything accept when I am kept in the dark by my supposed best friend. I have tried to give you time and support but I have run out of patience. I know Ginny says the guilt of Sirius' death has made you like this but have you even wondered how the rest of us are feeling? No, you have been too engrossed in your own misery to once wonder what Ron, Ginny or I felt or thought. Have you wondered how I felt at almost being killed or how Ron has coped with having that brain on him? He still has nightmares about that, but of course you wouldn't know about that. The Harry I knew wouldn't have been so selfish, he was always the first to put himself in danger to keep others safe."

"It's my fault Hermione, don't you understand it's all my fault he died?" sobbed Harry, the fight he had been silently having for the past several minutes had finally resulted in him bursting fourth in a paroxysm of uncontrollable tears.

"He was safe and it is all my fault that he died. I am already a murderer in all but name."

For a moment Hermione was so shocked she just watched. Then, rushing forward, she engulfed him in a huge hug. Harry shook in Hermione's arms as floods of tears spilt over her shoulder. He seemed to be crying for everything that had happened in his life so far. He had hardly ever cried before, ever since he had been very firmly made aware that the Dursleys did not hold with Harry crying. So he cried for the death of the parents he hardly remembered, he cried for the loss of the comforting motherly hugs he now never would have, he cried for the loss of the strong presence and advice of a father, he cried for all those years of loneliness and misery and made to feel that he was a freak living on the generous charity of his hard working relatives and most of all he cried for the second father he had lost through his own actions. Hermione was bewildered, when she had first started talking with Harry she had not expected this, anger yes, a brush off yes, but never this. It seemed he was crying for the very world itself and all the wars and disasters that ever took place and all the atrocious and horrible things one human did to another.

"It's alright Harry, let it all out, you'll feel better soon." Said Hermione rather weakly, what should she say, what does one say in this situation?

"I-I'm so-sorry," Harry said at last when his sobs had slightly abated though his tears were still cascading down his cheeks as if from an endless stream.

"I've soaked y-you're r-robes." Feeling thoroughly embarrassed and humiliated Harry rushed out of the classroom, leaving a completely confused Hermione in his wake. What had just happened?

Harry rushed down a corridor trying to see through the misty sheen of his tears, perhaps he should have stayed in the class room for longer but it had been an impulsive reaction at finding himself crying on a girl's shoulder, boys shouldn't cry after all and he was sixteen. Harry ran. He wanted to get as far away from Hermione as possible. He wanted to disappear, to not exist, he wanted everyone to stop gaping at him as if he was a spectacle in a zoo or their hero and saviour or be avoided because they thought he was a madman. He wanted Dumbledore to stop seeing him as a tool to be manipulated for some greater purpose. He didn't want the whole of the known world surviving in its current state dependent on him, Harry killing the most feared and evil wizard to ever exist. The atmosphere in the castle suddenly seemed stifling, he needed some fresh air. Changing direction in mid stride Harry ran at top speed for the entrance hall and the grounds beyond.

"Stop!" cried a frantic voice but it was too late. With an audible smack, the tinkle of breaking glass and a bright flash of brilliant white light Harry potter had disappeared.