Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek Voyager, or Janeway and Chakotay (may their love grow ever stronger), but I do own the story. Live long and prosper. -Linwe
Dear Diary
It was a sunny afternoon on New Earth. Kathryn was checking her insect traps, but Chakotay, however, was "cleaning house," so to speak. He was presently looking for his medicine bundle. He made his way into Kathryn's bedroom. He was just glancing around when he saw a small, blue book on her bed. Normally, he'd never touch her belongings without telling her, but something made him pick it up and look in it.
Many pages of the book were filled with Kathryn's tidy handwriting. He sat down and flipped through it. It was her diary! He looked around just to make sure she wasn't' watching, and opened to the first page.
He was surprised. It wasn't a log of progress on work, but feelings. Her feelings. Something she rarely talked about… at least not what she was really feeling deep inside, and he knew the stress of being a lonely Starship captain was a great burden to bear. She was candid, yet very reserved and private about her feelings at the same time. An interesting mix, but that was Kathryn-- interesting as they come.
He read for at least an hour. Most of the entries were about the losses she felt when parting with Voyager and her crew. She also wrote much about how Chakotay was really helping her with those feelings of loss. When he read these, he was glad because he'd been trying hard to help, because he suspected she missed her ship more than she let show.
Some entries made him want to cry or her. This was an example of an especially sad one dated right after Voyager departed:
It's midnight. I think Chakotay's asleep. I feel so empty. My ship and crew are gone! I have Chakotay, but I still feel so alone. For the past three nights I've cried my self to sleep and hoped when I awoke that I'd be back on Voyager. I wish I could tell Chakotay. He's so sweet and helpful, but as former Captain, I'm going to bear this one alone. A captain never truly leaves her ship.
Former Captain… that's all I am now.
He saw that there were wrinkled parts of the page that looked as though they had been wet at one time and their size suggested they were probably tears. He felt a large sadness for Kathryn, but went on. There was one that interested him the most, though:
I think I'm falling for him! Why? Why? Why? I'll tell you why. He's a sweet, sensitive, gentle, caring, funny, not to mention handsome man! Just listen to me! I sound like a teenager who's hopelessly in love, going on like that about Chakotay! What about Mark?? I'm still wearing his ring, but I'll probably never see him again. And what if I find a cure and we're back on Voyager? What then? I couldn't possibly have a relationship with my first officer! It's unheard of! But…. That doesn't mean I can't still be in love with him….
So, she was falling for him? He'd fallen for her about three months ago. This diary changed everything, he needed to see her.
He rose from the bed, unconsciously still grasping the diary in his hand. Suddenly Kathryn entered her bedroom, and froze. She looked at the diary and then at Chakotay, and then at the diary again. She turned and fled.
"No, Kathryn, wait!" Chakotay called after her, dropping the diary and rushing after her.