Chapter 23 An Alien Plan

It took them twenty minutes to get to the secret lair; not much time at all. However, it felt much longer than that due to one thing in particular: Roy. He moaned and groaned a lot about the state of Natasha Nastiness's body; how it was so overweight and so pudgy and how he had to walk in heels and blah blah blah. Ludwig tuned out what he was complaining about around the fifteen minute mark. He did empathize with his brother, he wasn't afraid to admit that. However, there was nothing he could do about the problems he faced. So, Ludwig just kept his head straight and walked forward, all while giving a little nod every once in a while to at the very least make Roy feel heard.

When they got to the lair, at first, both of them felt confused. It looked like a restaurant. It was a restaurant constructed from brick on the corner of two city streets, with a sign that bore the restaurant's name flickering like a firefly. The Koopalings exchanged a look before going in. Neither one of them were sure of what exactly they were in for. While this didn't make them scared so to speak, it did make them antsy. They made sure to stick close as Ludwig slowly opened the door.

The very first thing that was brought to Ludwig's attention was a blast of heat. It wasn't burning hot like the atmosphere of the Koopa Kingdom, but it did catch him off guard. When he took a step into the lair, he noticed the strong, unmistakable scent of booze and cigarette smoke; two smells that made his nose wrinkle up. The light overhead didn't do that good of a job lighting up the place. There was a dimness to the surroundings, one that required both Koopalings to squint. Laughter rose up and bounced off the walls, so loud that it nearly cause Ludwig's and Roy's ears to ring.

But all of that was nothing in comparison too the people. On one table, a bulky brute with a cigar in his mouth arm wrestled a lady with red hair and a glimmer of extreme confidence in her eyes. Two people, so short that Ludwig was almost prepared to call them children, played darts on the right hand wall. When one of them made a bullseye, the other growled and lunged at them, which in turn prompted the first person to run around the restaurant while sending taunts toward their partner. And, of course, at a bar on the far wall, their stood a man fixing himself up with a large glass of some kind of ale. Said man had hair so black it almost looked blue, and he wore a suit that looked like it was sewn together with fabric made from the inky blackness of the night.

Ludwig gingerly took a step further into the building. When the door closed, everyone stopped whatever activity they were taking part in and looked at the two Koopalings. This attention, shifted onto them at what was essentially a snap of the fingers, made shivers run up and down Ludwig's spine.

"Um…hello." He swallowed a lump. "We're back."

The man at the bar grinned. "Mr. Von Evil! Ms. Nastiness!" Their voice told Ludwig that this person was Arty. "So glad to see you!"

Ludwig nodded. He and Roy reluctantly stepped forward, with every eye on them with an air of reverence. Or, to be more accurate, half reverence, half spite.

"If this is the secret lair," Roy whispered into Ludwig's ear, "these people really need to get a location scout."

Ludwig smirked. "Nah, I think it's safe to say that these goons' taste is too far gone."

Roy giggled for only a second, as his fear returned when he made eye contact with the short people who were playing with the darts (they weren't children; children didn't have facial hair). Ludwig patted his brother on the shoulder. If anybody attacked them, he would make sure to defend his brother. He would defend him with his life.

It felt like an eternity passed before Ludwig and Roy made their way up to Arty. When they got their, Arty leaned against the bar with a grin that allowed the Koopalings to see his shiny golden tooth.

"Beer?" he asked.

"Uh…sure why not," Ludwig said. With a nod from Roy, Arty reached below the bar and brought up two bottles. Ludwig took his, took a sip, and immediately regretted doing so. Seeing how he wasn't old enough to drink in the real world, he had never actually tried alcohol, so the taste made him feel like his tongue was cringing. He placed it back on the table, doing his best not to vomit.

"So," Arty said. "You said you want me to tell you the plan?"

Ludwig nodded. Roy did too after he took a big gulp of his beer (huh, he must not find it disgusting like Ludwig did).

Arty frowned. "Honestly, I don't know why I have to do this." He let out a long, drawn out, overdramatic sigh as he took a gulp from his glass of ale. "We've been working on the plan for months now; you would think that you two would have it memorized by now."

Ludwig smirked at him, hoping that would be enough to hide his nervousness. "It can never hurt to go over it again." He gestured around the room at the background characters. "I'm sure some of these lovely people could use a recap."

Arty raised an eyebrow. It didn't stay raised for long, however, before he shook his head. "Fine. If that is what you want, Mr. Evil, then I guess I should cooperate." He turned around. "The last thing I want is for me to get shot," he muttered.

Ludwig blinked. Shot, huh? Man, maybe he should watch this show, if for no other reason than to get a feel for how ruthless this villain is. Sometimes, ruthless could equal entertaining, after all.

Regardless, Arty walked out from behind the bar over to the wall that had the dart board. He cleared his throat as all eyes in the building landed on him.

"Recently," he began, "Mr. Derek Utterman has began dating Bunny Lucida. Who, as we all know, is the woman of Mr. Von Evil's dreams." This was admittedly interesting to Ludwig, but he didn't have much time to dwell on it before Arty spoke back up. "Because of this, Mr. Von Evil wants to 'get rid' of Derek in anyway possible."

"However, since Mr. Von Evil has expressed a desire to keep the kill discreet enough so that attention isn't drawn to him or any of us, he doesn't want to outright shoot Derek. We had originally thought of poisoning Derek, but Ms. Nastiness has recently found a method that could be much more..entertaining."

Ludwig snorted. Odd choice of words, but he was admittedly hooked. He leaned in closer, as did Roy.

"We have found an alien species who have landed in Ethiopia. These aliens use human spleens to power their spaceships. And they won't stop at anything to get the spleens they need."

Ludwig blinked. Wait…what? He was officially lost. He had thought that this was a soap opera, not a science fiction horror movie. Seriously, spleen catching aliens? What kind of bozo…what kind of…idiot would put THAT in a soap opera? Did the creator of the show just want the story to make as little sense as humanly possible?

"Now, recently Ginger…" he gestured to the woman with the red hair, "has gone to Ethiopia. And, through a combination of her amazing skills of seduction and an apple cranberry pie baked by her third husband's cousin, she managed to get the aliens onto our side. And now, they are going to help us take down Derek Utterman once and for all!" He paused before looking Ludwig in the eye. "Was that recount of the plan good enough for you..your Lordship?"

Ludwig sat in silence for a minute. He exchanged a look with Roy, who's facial expression told the eldest Koopaling that they were thinking the exact same thing. That being, that this plan made no sense and went against the very idea of what this show was supposed to be.

And yet…Ludwig also thought that it might work. Poisoning Iggy would just straight up kill him, which was the last thing either of the Koopalings wanted. But THIS? This might just show Iggy that this place wasn't the heavenly utopia that he believed it was. After all, being chased down by an alien who wanted your spleen in order to power their spaceship would stress out anyone AND send them home to their families.

So, ultimately, Ludwig smiled. "I think that sounds lovely. Thank you, Arty."

Arty bowed and took his position back at the bar. Once he was there, Ludwig stood up.

"I think that we should go through with this plan as soon as possible," he said, a wicked grin growing on his face. "The less time we spend dilly dallying, the more time we could spend taking down 'Derek.'"

"Yeah," said Roy as he stood up. "Iggy…uh, I mean, Derek has been smooching Bunny for way too long. It's time we teach him a lesson!"

The people present nodded in agreement. So, Ludwig puffed out his chest and turned toward Arty.

"Get the aliens ready. Immediately."