"Well, Jerry," Dr. Frasier Craine was doing his regular call-in show from Boston as he spoke to a caller from New York City. "I'm a psychiatrist, not a referee. If you hate this Neuman this much, just move to a new building. It's just that easy. Now, get a life." He cut off that caller and turned to his producer. Peering at him through a pane of glass, Roz Doyle made a face like the Garfield in a car window as she ate Chinese food and sucked up a wiggling piece of noodle into her mouth.
"Roz?" Frasier looked at her. "What's the idea?"
"I thought you could help him." Roz swallowed the food in her mouth and cleared her throat. "I've got another caller from Boston."
"Good, put him through." Frasier slipped into psychiatrist mode once more. "Hello caller, I'm listening."
"Am I on the radio?" A familiar loud know-it-all voice spoke up that plied Frasier's memories. "Uh, yeah, doc, you got to help me! My ma is driving me nuts. All she talks about is dying. Every time I don't want to do something, she starts talking about dying and guilts me into doing these things I hate. I can't get her to call you, so I was hoping…"
"Cliff?!" Frasier knew he had heard that voice before. "Is that you?"
"Yeah," The postman sat parked in his postal van outside the building of Cage and Fish as he read the postcards from someone named Dawson Leery in Cape Side. "Doc, come on, you got to talk me down."
"I'm sorry, Cliff," Frasier grumbled a bit again. "But I've given you about as much advice I'm going to give you in this subject. I'm going to give you the same advice I gave Jerry. Move out and move on." He cut off his old friend and turned to Roz again. "Roz, how many times have I told you about putting through the gang from Cheers?"
"I'm sorry, but I left the do-not-call list in Seattle." She bit into an egg roll. "I do have a Richard who's been having weird dreams."
"Finally something with some psychological meat in it." Frasier flicked on another caller. "Hello, Richard, I'm listening."
"Uh, yeah," William Collins hoped his old friend didn't recognize his voice as he tried disguising it. "I'm Richard… Uh, Richard…. Cage… and I've been having this repeating dream for about a month now."
"Tell me about this dream, Richard." Frasier continued as this voice rang a vague chord in his mind as well. He tried to keep the caller going until he could identify it. "If that is your real name…"
"Well," William arched his head to the living room for his wife as he continued talking. "I've been happily married for almost five years now, but I keep getting this weird dream about one of my wife's best friends."
"Well, Richard," Frasier knew he knew this voice as he answered suspiciously. He spoke the alias of this caller with a skeptical air. "It is perfectly normal for the most happily married man to dream of other women."
"But that's not all of it." Collins continued talking with a fake Australian accent building in his words. "In this dream, I'm back in my old high school and its empty. As I'm exploring it, my wife's friend comes out of nowhere and entices me to the gymnasium. I try following her, but she vanishes on me and when I go into the gym, she's there. Only she's like fifty-feet tall and she picks me up in her hand and swallows me like a piece of candy. That's when I wake up."
"Uh-huh…" Frasier watched as Roz dropped her jaw in shocked surprise. A smile curled on her face as she started laughing in her booth. Dr. Craine flicked off the intercom so her laughing would not appear on the radio broadcast.
"Richard," He continued. "Like I said, it is perfectly normal for the most happily married man to dream of other women. It comes from a need of hoping you feel desirable to other women as well as to your own wife. As for the more… colossal… aspects of your dream, I would surmise the stature of this woman exudes your expectations of the perfect woman and being swallowed a metaphor for wanting to get inside her personality and wanting to know her closer. I would not fear this dream, but if it continues and you really wish to explore the symbolism, I suggest you seek therapy in more private surroundings."
"Thanks, doc…" William was talking exactly like the Crocodile Hunter by now. "I appreciate all the…" He quickly turned off the phone as his wife entered the kitchen adjusting her earring. She poured a cup of coffee as she turned to him.
"Who's on the phone?" She asked.
"The phone?" He looked guilty. "Oh, uh, I was just calling to confirm the time the library opened." He beamed toward her as she sipped from her mug. His hands pulled her tight as he peered intently into her eyes. "Have I told you lately how much I love you?"
"What have you done?"
"What do you mean what have I done?"
"You only say that when you've done something or you've got another trip planned." Ally paused to sip her drink.
"What have you done?"
"Nothing!" William insisted as the phone rang next to him on the kitchen counter. He started to grab it, but Ally was a bit quicker and more eager to answer it.
"Hello." She said into it as she responded to the caller. "Hi, Georgia, I was just about to head out. Why are you laughing?" Ally looked to her husband. William looked at her.
"No, I haven't been listening to the radio." Ally grinned with a giggle. "Georgia, what are you laughing at? Georgia? Georgia??" She pulled the receiver from her ear slowly as if her colleague was about to start talking again and then hung up altogether. She looked to her husband trying to act casual.
"What was that about?" He asked curiously.
"She said…" Ally answered confusingly. "Radio, dream, giant and Crocodile Hunter and then fell out of her chair laughing." She scratched her chin as she tried to figure it out. "I guess she'll explain when I get there."
"Don't go to work." William stood in her way. "Stay home with me and the girls."
"I can't." Ally grinned romantically. "I have to go to work. I've got cases all week."
"Ally, please…" He followed her as she slipped past him ready for trying a case in court.
"I'll be back." She kissed him. "Don't let the girls play with the phone. Lainey got someone in Germany last week."
"Ally…" William whined in fear of how she was going to react after hearing about his call-in. He thought about calling Georgia Thomas at the firm and pleading with her not to tell. His feet raced back to the kitchen as he grabbed the phone with one hand and flicked the radio back on to Frasier's broadcast with his other hand.
"Well, America," Frasier spoke from the little clock radio on the counter. "That's it for my morning show. I'll be heading back to Seattle this weekend, but I hope you listen to my syndicated shows as I wish you good day and good mental health." The theme music started as the radio psychologist pulled off his headphones. Roz had regained her composure and professional demeanor, but she was still smirking and snickering.
"Wasn't that Richard guy demented?" She walked behind Frasier with a list of promos he had to tape.
"His name isn't Richard…" Frasier groaned. "I've a sneaky hunch that was William Collins, that writer who used to play pool at Cheers."
"How can you be sure?"
"Well, one," Frasier took and barely looked at the promos. "Collins is an incredible mimic. He can do anyone's voice including the Crocodile Hunter and my own. Two, he's obsessed with three movies: Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman with Allison Hayes, The Thirty Foot Bride of Candy Rock with Dorothy Provine and Village of the Giants with Joy Harmon, but it's the third thing that cinches it."
"What's that?"
"He always uses aliases from the people his wife works with!"
PART TWO
Rather than delivering the mail, Cliff Clavin was still sitting in his van outside the building of Cage and Fish. He was watching people carrying camera equipment and location directors blocking scenes on the sidewalk outside the building. He looked around for any signs of celebrities, but didn't see anyone he recognized. Ally noticed the same excited activity as well as she came closer. Gradually slowing as she came closer, she peered upon the activity wondering if this was a news crew covering one of their cases, but then, she didn't notice any news crews or their specifically marked trucks. The activity in the lobby of the building was just as active as her eyes scanned the busy frantic work of camera people and contractors altering parts of the building. She just pressed on to the elevators and emerged within seconds on her floor to the same activity. Stepping over cables and taped positions on the floor, she turned toward Richard Fish sipping coffee and watching with fascination at the jumping of union employed labor and cameramen jumping around as bees in a hive.
"What's going on here?" She asked her senior partner.
"Oh, you're going to love this." Richard smirked a bit as he cleared his throat. "Uh, remember that TV show that was cancelled a few years ago, you know, the one your husband was so obsessed with?"
"The one with the skinny lady lawyer." Nell sidled up out of nowhere.
"She wasn't skinny; she was well-toned." Ally hissed a bit. "What about it?"
"Well," Richard cocked his head a bit. "It seems they got a look of the offices and negotiated with John to use the building for some location shooting. They're filming a reunion movie."
"What?" Ally reacted in disbelief. "Why would he do that? We can't work with this sort of thing going on."
"I said the same thing." Nell folded her arms before her chest. "Nice to know one of us has their head on straight."
"Ally," Richard tried to be a voice of reason. "They promised us they would not get in our way. They're going to be filming mostly at night after we're gone. There's nothing to worry about."
"Are they using local talent?" Elaine popped up out of nowhere as if she were a jack in the box popping out of the floor. Richard was taken aback a bit as Ally and Nell lightly shrieked at her sudden appearance.
"Ten minutes, Elaine," Nell mused distantly. "You're slowing down."
"Richard," The blonde one started advancing upon him. "Please tell me they're hiring extras. You know the role of the crazy blonde assistant. I could play that. I mean I am that role. I could do it."
"I'm really not sure…" Richard's mind started drifting as Ally grabbed Elaine's arm tightly and pulled her with her. Nearly colliding with a few grips and cameramen, Ally dragged her out of the way and pressed her into the alcove off the main offices.
"Call the house and get my husband on the phone." She started. "Repeat, get my husband on the phone. I do not want him coming down here while this is going on."
"Ally," Elaine was incredulous. "He loves this show. Why would you do that?"
"Get him on the phone." Ally repeated herself emphatically gesturing with her hand to make her point. "Tell him I will meet him for lunch. I do not want him coming down here and possibly running into… her."
"Who?"
"The one with the first name like a brand of coffee." Ally widened her eyes trying to get her point across. "I will meet him at Lafitte's. He likes the seafood there."
"Ally," Elaine mildly changed her mood. "Don't you think William is getting fat? Before you married him, he looked so good, but now you two have been married for almost five years and he's handles. You're ruining him. If I had married him, I'd be watching his calories and making sure he was exercising and…"
"He's my husband!!" Ally snapped as a few grips and cameramen noticed. "I think he looks great."
"Ally," Elaine pushed the issue. "He's turning into a butterball. He used to look so much like Keith Partridge and now he's starting to look like Jim Belushi!"
"He's not getting fat." Ally hissed through her teeth. "Now, tell him to meet me at Lafitte's for lunch at twelve and besides, I think he looks more like a young Richard Gere."
"Jim Belushi." Elaine reacted as if William was still partially hers. Georgia Thomas started coming down the stairs from the landing and noticed them going through another fight over who loved William more. Elaine was the one who knew him first, but Ally was the one who had married him and had his children. Rather than get dragged into it, she started to turn back.
"Georgia," Ally called her.
"So close…" Georgia groaned turning around.
"What celebrity do you think my husband looks like?" Ally nodded her head back and forth with an obnoxious attitude. It was a new personality trait she had acquired since getting married.
"Um…." Georgia started to think of the first dark haired actor she knew. "Hugh Jackman?"
"I think he's starting to resemble Jim Belushi." Elaine continued. "Of course, if Ally would get him on an exercise routine…"
"Get him on the phone!!!!" Ally screamed as Elaine took a hint and departed. The television crew looked at her as the stress was getting to the attractive and diminutive lady lawyer. Holding her head as if she had a headache, she gestured to Georgia to follow her and entered her office. Swinging her briefcase to her desk, she started talking without turning round.
"What were you trying to tell me this morning?" Ally spoke as she picked through the files in her briefcase.
"Oh, it was nothing…" Georgia started to depart.
"Are you sure?" Ally fleetingly looked back at her. "I thought you mentioned William, but you was laughing so much."
"Ally," Georgia started scooting her way backward as she started giggling again. "I promised him I wouldn't tell."
"What?" Ally spun around from her briefcase. "What did he tell you not to tell me?"
"Ally, I think I hear Billy calling me." Georgia started to turn out.
"Wait!" Ally pulled her back and closed the door. "What is it?" She looked into Georgia's face. The Barbie doll like lawyer bit her lip as she tried to hold herself back, but her morals wanted her to tell. If it were about Billy, she'd want to know.
"Ally," Georgia cringed a bit. "He had an embarrassing dream. He was pretending to be someone else on Frasier's radio program."
"Is it… serious?" Ally whimpered a bit like a frightened young girl as Elaine opened the door.
"Ally, your husband on line two." The blonde one announced and closed the door in a hurry. Georgia acknowledged her and felt a bit ashamed for betraying a trust. In that moment of distraction, she hurried out and Ally looked to her phone with line two blinking. Feeling awkward, she took her place in her seat and picked up her phone hitting line two.
"Hi, honey." William shined to her over the phone as their daughters played in the background. "Elaine said you wanted to talk to me. By the way, you don't think I'm getting fat, do you?"
"Stop talking to Elaine; you look great." Ally played with the telephone cord insecurely. She wanted to know about the dream, but she didn't want to embarrass him. On the other hand, she did not want him coming to the offices while film crews were using it. "Um, I was thinking. Instead of picking me up here for lunch, how about I meet you right after court at Lafitte's? In fact, do you have any trips planned? Like say, overseas?"
"Well, I was wanting to visit the old Marlish House in the Channel Islands…" William started.
"That's great!!!" Ally perked up as the fracas outside her office picked up. "I mean, why don't you pack up and get ready to go. I imagine you will be gone for a week or two. In fact, take a month. Take two months if you want!"
"Okay," William Collins got suspicious. "Who is this and what have you done to my wife?"
PART THREE
John Cage didn't mind being a technical consultant on this movie about lawyers. In fact, he was starting to like it. A bit of an acting bug had grazed him as he watched actors doing scenes and saying lines in his office space. He reflected a bit on his past and decisions and wondered if he was happy being a lawyer. In fact, he was very happy with where he was in life, but former actress Amanda Bearse broke the scene as she played director and actors separated and drifted apart. One unknown actor went to sit as another came up close to John and started shuffling a desk of colored scripts.
"Mr. MacNichol," John replied carefully knowing how unpredictable these actors were. "My girlfriend is a major fan of yours. She thinks you're the greatest actor of all time. Could I get your autograph for her?"
"Not a problem." Peter MacNichol spoke eloquently sincere with a reserved voice as he picked up a pen. "What's her name?" John handed him a pad with the Cage and Fish logo on it.
"Nita…" John nervously stammered with the name of the city Poughkeepsie under his breath. "Durham. I really want to thank you for this."
"Well," MacNichol found his revised lines. "We're going to be filming here for two weeks. If you want to bring her by, I'd be happy to meet her."
"I think she'd love that." John mused a bit. "So much, that I could get her to marry me." He made a face as he pictured Nita jumping off the floor ten feet into the air to meet MacNichol.
"She'd have your baby…" Elaine crossed behind him adding to the conversation as she returned to her workstation. No one believed she did a lot or work here, but she had single mindedly established a system where the place practically ran itself and all she had to do was keep it going. Moving papers along, creating files and managing the footwork from the staff was the most of her duties besides monitoring the calls that came directly for the lawyers. Her mind was in work mode when a call came in on Ally's line and she answered it for the absent ingénue.
"Elaine," It was Ally on the phone. "Is William there?" She sounded frantic.
"No…" Elaine panned the offices. "I don't see him?"
"Pinhead entered some new evidence at the last minute and I got to Lafitte's late!" Ally was speaking of a lawyer named Larry Paul of whom she was not very fond. "By time I got there, the Maitre'd said William had got tired of waiting and left. Do not let him in the building!"
"Ally," Elaine answered calmly. "William loved this show. Why are you trying to keep this from him?"
"Because I don't wanting him meeting… her." Ally hissed over the phone as the elevators sounded. From around the corner, William Collins arrived looking for his wife and instead curiously observed camera equipment and wires and gear blocking and outlining his path. He turned his head a bit distant to the activity wondering what was going on and looked around the confusing cacophony of extra faces and tried to figure it out for himself. In his past, he had been on movie sets before, but this was the last place he thought he'd find one. He peered toward brightly lit offices and turned to look for his wife.
"Ally…" Elaine knew she was going to have to do some serious lying and covert chicanery to cover up the reunion show being filmed in the building. "He's here. What should I do?" On the other end, she heard Ally groan with a noise similar to a train screeching to a stop.
"Get rid of him!!!"
"But Ally, he loved this show!"
"Get him out of the building!!!!"
Elaine groused at being the unwanted dirty lackey at the whims of a neurotic married woman. In her mind, William deserved someone better and more like her. In fact, it was herself. She stood and glided over to Ally's office and pushed William back inside it.
"Where's Ally?" He enquired from Elaine. "She never appeared at Lafitte's."
"She didn't?" The blonde one rolled her eyes suspiciously. "Well, she just got there late, called and is waiting for you there. I think you ought to go straight to her."
"What's going on around here?" William asked.
"Well, I…" Elaine refused to lie to him, but she knew how to distract. "William, would you do me a favor on my birthday next month? Would you sing the song, 'I Think I Love You' to me down in Vonda's? You've always reminded me of Keith Partridge."
"Elaine," William narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "What are you trying to distract me from?"
"Nothing…" Elaine noticed gear passing behind William's head with the name of the TV show on it. "In fact…" She continued. "I wanted to ask you about something. You know, I was listening to Frasier's radio show and I heard you on it."
"I have no idea what you're talking about" William crossed his arms and shook his head to her suggestion.
"Yes, you do…" Elaine shined with a baby doll grin. "I think I know who you were dreaming of. It was me, wasn't it?"
"Elaine, don't do this to me." William stepped back and away as he continued for the elevator. Elaine stayed on him as he hit the button for the elevator.
"Just hear me out, okay?" The blonde one pressed both her hands to her chest as her heart began beating faster.
"You know, I d you so much more longer than Ally, and just knowing you love me as much as I love you is all I need to know. I don't want to bust up your marriage, but knowing you care about me..." She made a face of such sheer contentment that it was almost as if a great weight had been lifted off of her.
"You're making me sort of uncomfortable." The elevator opened as he jumped into it.
"I know…" Elaine stopped the elevator doors. "I completely understand. Your love is for your wife, but a part of you longs for me too. I understand completely." She beamed to him as he grinned hesitantly embarrassed at her. He began wondering who else knew it was him on the radio. If Georgia and Elaine knew, did anyone like Billy, John or Jackson know? It was going to be a long month and he had to get out of Boston for a while. The elevator doors closed as Elaine held her head to them and sighed satisfyingly thinking that Ally's husband and buried feelings for her. When she turned around, Corretta Lipp was there staring at her.
"Girl," The attractive African-American looked at her. "I think you need a Valium because you are up there."
PART FOUR
It was another day and Ally was walking a bit more secure. Her husband was trying to get out of town to head to England because he was embarrassed about what he'd said in the radio. It was odd how that was working out because it was obvious that he had no idea about what was being filmed down at the offices. The activity outside of Vonda's Martini Bar was still hectic, but she didn't care. It was business as usual and she felt more sure of herself as she continued on her way. She stepped into the elevator to head up to the offices and then noticed someone stepping in behind her. Looking over, Ally realized who it was. It was her!
"You again?" Calista Flockhart looked at her. "I recognized you from Ciro's last summer. Your husband was with you."
"That was me." Ally pretended not to notice and stared up to the floors lighting up as the elevator ascended. She and William had met the skinny actress and Harrison Ford in Los Angeles during a trip to the west coast.
"He's a very talented writer." Calista commented.
"I know."
"I also know he's been a consultant on two or three horror pictures." Calista was eerily dressed nearly similar to Ally. "You know, I've got a ghost movie in Ontario next year. I'd love it if I could maybe borrow him…"
"I don't think so." Ally looked at her with a venomous glare and stepped from the elevator. She rolled her eyes up grateful to be out of that experience and started for her office. She barely took a few steps and she noticed it was blocked off. A large camera was in her way and several people were in it as she stopped where she was and stared at the unwanted obstruction. She made a displeased look at this intrusion and turned round to John coming up behind her.
"What's going on here?"
"Ally," John started. "They wanted to use your office."
"But it's my office."
"I didn't think you'd mind." John mugged his face understandably concerned with her displeased demeanor. "I moved all your current files to my office. You can work in there."
"I don't want your office; I want my office." Ally reacted as if she were a spoiled child. There was a sound of a bell ringing and a floor manager screaming for silence. Ally heard a call for action from director Amanda Bearse as Calista Flockhart took her place and make-up girls hustled away from adjusting Robert Downey Jr.'s appearance.
"Hallie," Downey fell back into a role that he had been forced to abandon because of his drinking several years before. "I was hoping there was something still between us. We used… to be friends." He postured a bit with a roguish tilt of his head. He removed his glasses as Calista looked at him.
"I'm sorry, Garry." The Oscar winning actress was the skinny lady lawyer again. "But you hurt me. I can't forgive you. I've moved on, and my life here doesn't involve you. Maybe… if you had followed me to New York… maybe. I've got a new guy in my life."
"You don't even know what this guy does for a living." Robert leaned over to her with his romantic brown eyes perched on her. "He could be a secret agent and you wouldn't know it."
"I'd know it." Calista remarked as Ally slipped unnoticed in the room behind the camera crew. Feeling like an intruder in her own office, she looked up from behind a meek collection of heads and noticed this actress which she hated with a passion making a mockery of her life and habits.
"Garry," Calista acted with a waif-like and eccentric demeanor. "I can't go back. Our time together was…"
"Cut!!" Ally screamed unable to stand it. She felt as if her past was being made a mockery of and she did not want to relive it. A bell rang as the acting scene was interrupted. Calista and Robert looked up confused as Amanda Bearse looked around and toward Ally upset and confused.
"Who yelled that! Who are you?" She reacted annoyed. "What are you doing here?"
"This is my office." Ally replied as Calista Flockhart rolled her eyes with frustration. Amanda Bearse looked around as if she wanted someone to hit and repressing a scream. Robert Downey Jr. stepped back as his head noticed the resemblance between his co-star and the lady lawyer.
"Ally," John tried to reach her to pull her out. "You can't be here. They're working."
"This is my office and I did not give my permission for them to use it!" She yelled as John gestured to Billy to help him. Hurrying into the room as things turned to a scene, Billy brushed past John to remove his former girlfriend by force. Ally made a face as he reached to grab her and drag her out. Grabbing a chair to hold on to, she felt herself lifted off her feet embarrassingly as if stopping the scene hadn't done it already. Calista Flockhart dropped her jaw a bit embarrassed for the screaming lady lawyer her old series nearly paralleled.
"I hate this show! I hate you people and I think you're a lousy actress!!!" Ally clung to her door as Billy and then Jackson Duper tried to pull her off it. Her head barely bobbing into view as Billy pulled her legs, Ally lunged back once more to hurl one more insult at the woman who became famous by making her life a joke.
"I'll get you my pretty!!!! And your little dog too!!!!" Ally screamed as Duper pulled hard and Ally was yanked out and carried away.
PART FIVE
Lucy Liu sat getting her make-up adjusted as she read her script. Her schedule was keeping her relentlessly busy as she took a break from filming her third Charlie Angel's movie to hurry to Boston and film a cameo for the show that had made her famous. Despite leaving it after the fourth season, she still had a warm spot for it in her heart and even still appreciated the fans that knew her from it.
"Why is that one looking at me?" Lucy noticed the reflection of Ally in her mirror.
"I think she hates actresses." The make-up girl stated as another figure replaced the upset lady lawyer.
"Excuse me, Mrs. Liu," Richard Fish hovered over her and her private make-up girl. "Could I get your autograph?"
"Did you watch my failed sitcom?" Lucy looked up to him with a vivacious twinkle to her eyes.
"Oh yeah," Richard kept an eye out for his wife. "I got the whole season on DVD. I even watch it when my wife let's me."
"You're so sweet…" Liu beamed more like herself and signed one of her out photographs. "Whom do I make this out to?"
"Oh," Richard glimpsed her wattle and restrained himself from fingering it. "Uh, Richard… Richard Fish…" He mumbled something about celebrity wattle under his breath.
"Wait a second," Lucy thought she heard that name before. "Did you call in to a radio show the other day? No, never mind, that guy had an Australian accent like the Crocodile Hunter."
"Wow," Richard looked at his autographed picture without knowing his wife was behind him. "This is great. Thank you very much."
"You're cute." Lucy gave him a quick peck to his cheek and she hurried to do her cameo. In her absence, Richard looked to her picture and lightly brushed her wattle in her picture. Looking up, he noticed his wife standing before him.
"I thought I told you to stay away from her, Richard." Liza Bump-Fish cooed a bit with her bosom jutting up through her vest.
"I thought you meant just for yesterday." He tried to force a smile. "You're not going to rip up my autograph, are you?"
"No," Liza brushed tightly close to him. "If this is what makes you feel sexual, I can handle it. I just hope you understand that as long as you keep that autograph that I won't be. I mean, it makes me feel as if I'm not enough to please you." She oozed sex as Richard unconsciously realized he was being blackmailed. He looked over to the real Lucy Liu getting ready to film a scene before cameras. There had to be a way for someone as wily and lucrative as was to figure out how to get both.
"Zoe," Peter MacNichol turned to Lucy as he reprised his TV role. "I'm sorry to hear your court television series didn't last. What are you doing now?"
"Well, Ron," Liu once more played the role of the Asian airhead that had made her a star. "After it ended, I got called to Hollywood and started making movies."
"Did someone say movies?" Elaine Vassal appeared in the scene playing Ellen for the unavailable Jane Krakowski. "You know, Zoe, I've always wanted to break into movies. I can not only sing, but I can also act."
"I'm sorry, Ellen," Lucy loved playing vicious because it was so unlike her true personality. "But there's already too many blondes out west. We can't take anymore."
"Cut!' Amanda Bearse stopped the scene. Elaine looked over with worry she had done something wrong.
"Did I do something wrong?" She asked.
"No, Elaine, you were great." Bearse admitted honestly. "Lucy, I'm not comfortable with that 'blondes-out-west' line. Could you improvise something else?"
"I could say that we don't need any more Kelly Ripa look-alikes." Lucy replied.
"I don't think Kelly Ripa would appreciate it." Peter realized.
"What if I said blonde hair falls out under the California sun?" Lucy suggested and looked toward Elaine.
"Let's try it," Bearse took a minute to sign a form from her assistant. "Where's Greg? I want to change his scene with Portia a bit." She replied.
"I'll find him." The assistant trailed off looking for the temperamental actor. It wasn't that Greg Germann was a difficult actor to work with, but when he didn't have work to do, he wandered off bored to look for something to do. In these real life offices, he found a new interest in law by conversing with the real life lawyers in the building.
"Let me get this straight, this lawyer you guys work with is almost exactly like the one Calista plays?" He sat across from Billy Thomas and Nell Porter. Nell unconsciously sat in a cheesecake pose on the edge of the desk and Billy leaned back tugging at his collar.
"Practically," Billy leaned comfortably sideways in his seat. "I think she hates the show because it hit her and parodied a lot of her life. It was uncanny."
"Well, let's not forget," Nell added with a cursory glance. "Our Ally actually got married to a guy whose family owns a quarter of the state of Maine."
"Tell me about this guy," Germann looked up interestedly. "What kind of guy is he?"
"William?" Both Billy and Nell gasped nearly simultaneously trying to describe him. "Well, he's supposed to be a writer, but he's more like a jack of all trades. He knows a bit of everything on any subject and he's had all sorts of adventures. He travels the world researching ghost stories…"
"His family lives in a great big spooky house on a big estate like that Gothic soap opera from the Sixties…" Nell added. "He's kind of a cross between Indiana Jones and Alan Alda."
"He practically saved my life." Billy pulled his hand back through his thinning dark hair. "I was acting erratically a while back because of a tumor in my brain and he somehow suspected it fast enough to make me see a doctor. I had it treated just before it would have been inoperable."
"When was this?" Germann asked.
"About the time Bellows quit your show." Nell answered.
"I'm beginning to wish Gil hadn't left the series so long ago." Germann reacted with interest. "He loves coincidences like this."
"Mr. Germann," The assistant poked her head into the office. "Mrs. Bearse wants to see you."
"On my way," Greg started to stand as he smooth out the Italian suit he wore in character. He adjusted his tie and turned back to the lawyers. "I was thinking… would this Ally you guys work with get upset if we inserted her current life into another movie?"
"I wouldn't even try it." Nell shook her head slowly.
PART SIX
Calista Flockhart looked around a bit searching for psycho lady lawyers wondering if she had made a mistake resuming a role she preferred forgetting. She had a great movie career before becoming a TV star, but now everyone thought she really was neurotic and insecure. Despite her misgivings in this role, she did not want to be a major hold out next to Jane Krakowski. She missed both Jane and Courtney Thorne-Smith terribly. They were like best friends, Jane was so intelligent and talented, but she was indebted to a musical in New York and Courtney was in the sixth season of a new series. Another look for real life skinny lawyers, she strolled through the crowded law office as the elevators dinged next to her and a figure emerged. Memorizing her lines, Calista looked up as William Collins came toward her.
"Hi honey," He kissed her. "I missed my flight. As long as Renee has the girls, I thought we might have a nice night together. Dinner by candlelight?"
"What?" Calista's first instinct was to slap anyone she didn't know who touched her, but she actually knew this guy and blushed a bit with a big beaming grin as he confused her with his wife. She even giggled lightly a bit as she heard screaming from behind her.
"No!!!!!!" The real Ally McBeal-Collins moaned in shock as her voice trailed off to a plaintive defeated. She had been so close. "He found her…." She groaned miserably as Elaine grinned with a giggle, but upon realizing how miserable Ally was, she offered her shoulder for her to cry on. William looked at her, to the clone of her in front of her, to the TV equipment around him and then felt something go off in his mind. He took on a look of stoned surprise as his jaw dropped. He realized whom he was standing in front of and then was hit by the realization that he had even kissed her!
"I remember you." Calista replied. "You're William Collins, the writer. I thought you was in Europe." She reacted a bit confused then realized she had been lied to. She looked back to the scheming and lying lady lawyer behind her.
"Why am I not surprised?" She added with a bit of a vicious and condescending manner upon realizing she had been lied to. William just stared at her in shock just like any other stunned fan.
"I'm Calista Flockhart." She reminded him. All he could do was force a light nod to acknowledge her presence. She pinched his cheek a bit with an amused grin. "You're so cute."
"He acts like she's Pamela Anderson or something." Elaine couldn't understand it. Ally sank a bit inside and even crumbled mentally as William wandered to her in stunned silence. Star struck and a bit in shock, he was lightly grinning as he watched his favorite actress depart not realizing his childlike giggling irritated his wife.
"Why didn't you tell me she was here?" He asked Ally.
"Why didn't you tell me about that dream you had?" Ally shot back while William looked back at her.
"I have no idea what you're talking about." He lied shaking his head. Elaine beamed at their confrontation as her heart pounded a bit faster.
"You don't?" Ally crossed her arms in a defiant manner. Elaine noticed the temperament change between the two of them and took it as a sign to depart. Ally cocked her head to one side as she shifted into lawyer mode with a bit of the jealous wife involved. "I want you to stay away from her."
"What can I do?" William looked at her but found himself fighting the temptation of his eyes wanting to look back. "Except look upon her with admiring loyalty." He face started grinning just before chuckling with tickled delight.
"I want you to stay away from her." Ally repeated herself. "I can't be here to baby-sit you, so you have to be on your honor and best behavior and stay away from her. Got it?"
"What's she doing here?" William was breaking already. "Is she making a movie or something?"
"Do I have to get Billy and Glen to lock you in a closet?!"
"Isn't she wonderful!" William was looking back as Flockhart and MacNichol were looking over a script in the back of the room. Ally just growled under her breath upon realizing he was torturing her on purpose to tease her.
"Dinner tonight?" he asked.
"Are you inviting her along?!" Ally glared at him and walked off without him to talk to Nell about the case they were sharing. William just smirked with a mischievous mind knowing she loved him. Why else would this actress worship bother her? The one thing she hadn't realized yet was that when he looked at her it was his wife he was seeing; although, on the other side of the coin, maybe Ally was getting angry because he looked at her and saw Calista. That revelation snuck up on him as he resolved to prove to his wife that he could stay away from the former TV star. Wandering for the unisex, he pushed his way inside along with the conniptions of teasing his wife. He turned to acknowledge his reflection in the mirrors and felt a compulsion to wash his hands. Looking up to his reflection, he brushed his tousled hair with his wet pals and washed his hands again as he heard one of the stalls behind him. Looking at the room behind him in the mirror, he watched one of the doors open and Georgia emerged adjusting her blouse. Pretending to be distracted, he felt her presence behind him as she sidled up to the sink by him.
"William," She struck up some conversation. "I am so sorry I told Ally about your dream, but she kind of got me pinned and I had no other way out."
"Oh, that's okay," William tried not to look at her. "I'd have told her eventually."
"I shouldn't have laughed either." She continued apologetically. "It's just that, well, you always come across as such a decent guy, and then when I realized it was you on the radio and that even you had dreams of other girls…"
"Georgia," William was purposely looking away. "I'm not really comfortable discussing this here."
"I know," She pressed on. "I'm just trying to apologize. You know, its just that Ally paints a picture of you being so perfect and to finally actually discover a chink in that sterling silver armor she draws around you was like getting something to use against her… are you okay?"
"I just need you to stop talking about it." William stared down into the sink rather than look at her.
"I don't understand." Georgia shook her head a bit confused. "Why would I talking about it bother you unless I was…" It suddenly hit her like a ton of bricks from above. "It was me you dreamed about." Her jaw dropped and her eyes widened in stunned shock. William shrieked embarrassingly and dived to the floor checking for legs in the stalls in order to cover up his dirty little secret. Remembering the plot of the dream, Georgia stood where she was and tried to accept the reality of what was hitting her. Feeling a touch of vain honor and egotistical pride that she could turn the head of a happily married man, she was also hit had by a wave of embarrassed humility and a tide full of arrogant humility of the manner on how he, or at least his unconscious mind, perceived her. Her arms unconsciously crossed in front of her wanting to conceal herself from him.
"Georgia," William fretted emotionally stripped of his public image. "I am so sorry! I never wanted to make you feel uncomfortable." He rubbed his forehead trying to forget this week ever started. "Look, I love Ally more than anything else in the world, but when she gets jealous, she scares the hell out of me. I just never knew being married and having a decent marriage meant so much to her!"
"Not a problem," Georgia pressed her fingers uncomfortably to her chin. "I mean, it was just a dream, it was nothing you had control over. It was just an accident. We'll just pretend this never happened."
"Deal." They wanted to shake hands, but didn't. They turned in unison and departed separate doors simultaneously and left the unisex at the same time. The sound in the room was the distant ambient noise of the world outside the building, a click, a brush of a human presence and then one of the stall doors opening up. John Cage mugged a bit departing his secret hole behind his bowl and paused a bit in the center of the unisex.
"He's been married to Ally way too long." He told himself.
PART SEVEN
"You are so much more adorable in person." Nita Durham grinned uncontrollably to Peter MacNichol sitting in front of her in Vonda's Martini Bar. Everyone else was winding down after their complicated days. His big brown eyes warmed her soul and his plaintively sensitive voice melted her heart. She just wanted to grab him and hold him close to her forever, but logic and reason and years of proper etiquette held her back. Next to her, John groused and stirred his martini realizing his mistake. He should not have brought the two of them together.
"Well, thank you very much." MacNichol beamed a bit. "I hope you enjoy your autographed picture, but unfortunately, I've got a really busy schedule tonight." His slid out of the booth and to his feet. "It really was a pleasure meeting you and I hope you have a nice night."
"No, the pleasure was all mine." Nita couldn't stop grinning. Her heart felt lighter than ever and her head miles away as she sighed. "Isn't he wonderful."
"Oh," John sipped his drink. "You see me now. You know, this degree of idol worship is really doing wonders for my ego."
"John," Nita turned to him. "You are my first love, and he is just an infatuation. I would never do anything to ruin what we have." Her eyes bounced over his features. "Haven't you ever been infatuated with a movie star?"
"Not really," John reacted distantly. "I grew up with films like Elliot Ness and Perry Mason and Ellery Queen. Not much of romantic interest in them."
"There must have been an actress you really liked." Nita looked back upon him after a sip of her wine.
"Well," John tried to think. "I do recall a few Tarzan films. That Maureen O'Hara could really swim."
"And that's fine with me." Nita pressed her hands to her chest in confirmation of her feelings. "It doesn't bother me in the least."
"Fay Wray…" John waxed nostalgic on the films of his childhood. "When she screamed, I wanted to rush to her side and save her. She had the most emotive facial features and…"
"You're pushing it." Nita warned him. "Look, if Ally can forgive William, you can forgive me for just a little idol worship."
John cocked his head owlishly up to her and placed her left hand in his. Glancing up to William and Ally on the dance floor, he noticed her grinning contentedly once more with the husband of her dreams and turned back to Nita. Hoping she could think of him in the same way someday, he felt her daintily kiss his cheek and snuggle up endearingly close to him. The music in the bar was romantic as Vonda played the piano and set the mood in her bar.
"Earth Angel, Earth Angel," She sang the old Fifties song slow and romantic like a love song. "Will you be mine…. My darling dear, I'm with you all the time… I'm just a fool, a fool in love, with you…"
Ally clung to William as if he was her security blanket. In his arms, everything else was so far away and her world finally made sense. She did not want to lose him. To her, he made things right and made her world complete. They lightly swayed as Vonda continued playing a few feet from them.
"I'm sorry for driving you crazy." He whispered in her ear. "I'll make it up to you."
"I don't care." She closed her eyes and listened to his heart beating in her ear. "Just never really leave me."
"I promise." He held her tight as Vonda had to leave her piano. The Twins meanwhile started another song and Jennie and Glen left the floor. William gently swayed Ally to his side as he motioned to the bar. She held on to him a second more and gradually turned her face up to him devotedly.
"I'm heading off to the girls room." She replied softly. "I'll find you here."
"I'll be here." William turned to the bar up on an elevated piece of floor as she gave him a brief loving kiss. Watching his wife glide away to the direction of the restrooms, he slid on to a stool and motioned to one of the cans of Pepsi the bartender kept for non-drinkers. Watching it poured into a glass with ice, he produced his money for it and waited for it to be placed in front of him before taking a sip. As he did, Corretta Lipp from the firm strided over sat beside him.
"William, you're one of the most honest and decent guys I know." She spoke to him with her nervous doll-like voice. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah, sure." He sipped his soda.
"Am I attractive?" Her eyebrows rose nervously.
"Corretta," William paused from another sip. "You're short, cute, adorable and…." He noticed her attention distracted to the other side of the room. Turning around, they both noticed Ally's interest cocked toward them very protectively and very interestingly.
"I think I need to ask someone who isn't married." Corretta slid off her stool with her normal voice and moved on. Watching her depart, William looked across and over to Ally as she beamed contently secure before entering the ladies room. He thought he was lucky to have someone like her in his life, but then he worried if he was really good for her. She depended so much on him that it seemed almost that he worried he might not reach her expectations.
"Could I get another soda?" Billy Thomas brushed behind him for the bartender. "How you doing, Collins?"
"Fine," William sipped his Pepsi. "You doing okay?"
"Look," Billy lifted his eyebrows to him. "I want to apologize for something. It's my fault Georgia heard you on the radio."
"Oh man…." William turned around embarrassed. "Does everyone know this?"
"Hey," Billy took his soda and took the stool by William. "I'm not going to bust your chops on this. I just casually remarked to Georgia that it was you on the radio and I apologize." He sipped his drink. "All guys have this thing we fantasize. If it makes you feel better, I often fantasize about female vampires."
"You do?" William looked at him derisively.
"It's something about the coffin, I think." Billy smirked secretly as he checked the crowd. "I've had dreams about Madonna, Jennifer Lopez, Ashley Judd and girls I went to school with." His recollections boggled his mind as he made a face.
"And you've confided in Georgia about this?" William asked.
"Yep," Billy decided to be utterly truthful. "And Ally when we were dating…." He lowered his voice clandestinely. "But this is not about me. If you're insecure about talking about your fantasies, I promise I won't persecute you about it. I should never have told Georgia and every guy's fantasy is meant to be secret between he and his wife."
"Agreed." Collins and Thomas clinked their glasses together. Billy exhaled a bit before sipping his soda and turned to stare out to the dance floor. Georgia wasn't in sight.
"So who were you dreaming about anyway?" He was still just a might curious.
"Uh….. Nell." Collins lied rather than tell the truth.
PART EIGHT
Actors and film crews were still bogging down the offices, but somehow it was still business as usual. Another regular conference meeting struggled to pull together as Billy sat next to his wife and across from Jenny and Glen. Ally fought to get past a large camera as Duper led the way for her. Liza looked up to them joining the regular meeting as Nell rolled her eyes.
"We just got one more week of this." John even began regretting giving this film crew access to their floor. "We'll make it."
"Hope." Glen was considering moving to a new firm and taking Jennie with him.
"I got a bit part as an extra lawyer in their movie." Jennie looked up with a little grin.
"How many lines did you get?" Elaine leaned across hoping her part was smaller than her own.
"Please, let's just move on…" John gestured to get to legal matters.
"I'm wrapping the Crutcher case." Billy reacted no nonsense. "I'm quite confident the jury will rule in my behalf. Plus, I've got a new client who just left McGruder and Hayes. If I can get them a settlement, they said they'd recommend us."
"McGruder and Hayes have been practicing for a long time." Duper remarked. "They represented my grandfather in the Sixties. They have a lot of clients."
"Good." Richard's interest was piqued. "More clients for us."
"And more money." Liza's face shined when Richard was excited. Nell just rolled her eyes.
"Is that anything that does make you two ?" Nell quipped as Ally sat quietly. "I've got more pertinent business. I'm right in the middle of this breach of promise suit and I am lost. The opposing attorney is killing me and I need an edge to knock him over."
"Who is it?" Corretta asked.
"Pike. Hector Pike."
"Ally," Georgia looked over. "Ally faced him once and won."
"No, no, no…" Ally lightly shook her head. "I've got one case and second chair on two others. I'm barely seeing my daughters as it is."
"Ally," Nell leaned across. "You're practically finished on the Selby case. You can take second chair…" Nell's eyes looked up as a boom mike floated over their heads. Gaffers wandered into the room blocking scenes and checking camera positions. "John, I can't work like this. You have to tell these people they have to leave."
"I signed a contract." John replied. "It's only for another week."
"John," Glen leaned forward. "I feel like walking out because I can't meet my clients without any confidentiality. I was talking to Mrs. Greer about her divorce and they barged into my office with a camera. She wanted to go to another firm."
"Look," Corretta had something to say as well. "John, you have to talk to them. You are a lawyer and they are clearly not living up their side of the obligation. They promised to stay out of the way and film only at night, but they are constantly in my face."
"I agree." Duper added.
"I'll try and get a word in." John sunk low in his seat.
"Could you guys take a break?" Billy turned to the gaffers behind him.
"Dude," One of them looked at him. "We're union."
"And I'm a lawyer." Billy grinned at him. "I can make things ugly." He made his point. One of the gaffers mugged a bit inconvenienced and walked out with his crew.
"Can you get my office back?" Ally asked.
"Moving on..." John lightly rubbed this forehead exasperatedly. "Our yearly audit will be early this year. I need all expense accounts in and dated. Richard, I'll be scrutinizing yours."
"My math isn't that bad." Richard reacted confused.
"It's not the math." John replied. "Liza hides statements in yours she doesn't want in hers." Richard looked to her.
"Is that bad?" Liza reacted as if she wasn't aware of doing anything wrong. "I didn't know."
Georgia had something to say as the elevator to the firm opened with its usual ring. William Collins marched out of it wearing a brilliant white Navy outfit he had borrowed from a friend he knew in the TV crew. Knowing his wife pictured him as Richard Gere, he had decided to acknowledge one of her favorite movies by duplicating one of the actor's most memorable movie moments. Clad in the white Navy lieutenant uniform, he marched out of the elevator regally, made a forty-five degree turn and strided straight to the conference room. Nell noticed him first as her jaw dropped amusingly. Georgia stopped talking and everyone looked up thinking he had gone mad. Ally's eyes rounded embarrassingly.
"Mrs. Collins." Her husband held his hand out to her. Elaine beamed romantically and Jennie jabbed Glen to be more romantic. Georgia turned toward Billy as he sat stunned and surprised. Ally didn't know what to do as she tried to make herself invisible. Before she knew it, she was lifted up out of her seat and being carried out of the conference room.
"I'm having lunch with my husband." She lightly replied under her breath as she looked back feeling as if she were Debra Winger.
"Ally has the sweetest most sensitive husband in the world." Corretta hoped to find a guy like that.
"And he was supposed to be mine." Elaine answered with her heart breaking a bit.
"Why don't you ever do something like that for me?" Georgia leaned to Billy.
"Your favorite movie is Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." Billy's eyebrows rose to her. "You want to explain just how I'm going to do that one?"
END