Chapter 11: Where Are They Now, Eh?

Kate: The Hilton, Room 615: 7:30pm: 12 June

I actually wasn't planning on going to go to Ren's party, and I was just going to let Claire and Ethan go, while I stayed sitting alone in the hotel room, but I saw her sitting with Lizzie. I don't know how the hell she knows her, or why she's even here, but I just want to see her again, and I haven't stopped thinking about her since I saw her. I don't know what to do. She was looking at me, helplessly, and I don't know why. Claire didn't see that Ren sat down with her. If she had she wouldn't go to her party and would forbid me from going. I was glad that she was distracted by Ethan. I didn't mention it to her, and wasn't going to because it ruin all of the plans I didn't have.

We called Ren that night, and found out where everything was going to be. Claire did most of the talking, of course. It seemed like it would be fun, but I knew I'd be miserable, and yet I was still determined to go. I'd spend all of my time trying to find Lizzie without looking like I was trying to, and then I wouldn't say anything, or I'd snap at her. I'd just see her there with boys, and pretend I didn't care, but I would. It would kill me to see her happy, and it would kill me more to see her sad, knowing I couldn't do anything about it because I'm Kate, and Kate doesn't like Lizzie McGuire at all. I am not a lesbian either. This would never work. Nothing would ever work. I just want to talk to her, but what would I say? I don't even know what I want to talk to her about. Nothing. It was all pointless. She'd never like me. It was entirely too late for anything like that. I've treated her like shit for too many years.

"Let's go to the mall, and get new outfits for Ren's party." Claire said as she sat down on the edge of my bed.

I was laying on my stomach with a book open that I'd picked up in the mall the other day. I was pretending that I was reading. I looked up at her, "I'm really tired, and I'll just wear something I brought. You go ahead."

"Oh my God, Kate. You can't just wear old clothes, and you can't just lay there and read. Stop trying to be one of those intellectual people."

I'd forgotten, Kate also doesn't read. I marked the page and closed the book. I had been occasionally turning pages to give the affect that I was reading, but I really had no idea what was going on, "I'm too tired. I'll go tomorrow."

"Kate." She said firmly. She was about to start screaming at me. I felt it coming.

"What? I'm tired." I was being more defensive than normal. I didn't feel like dealing with her shit right now. I had a lot on my mind, and just needed to think. I did not want to go to the mall again. I wanted to lay here alone while Ethan was gone with his parents and not touching me, wanting to have sex.

"Why are you tired?" She asked as if I were lying to her.

"Claire…I haven't slept well since we've been here. Now please, just go by yourself, or let's go tomorrow."

"You and Ethan have fucked every night. That's why you're tired."

"Leave me alone." I rolled over on my side so that I couldn't see her, as tears began welling up from guilt.

"What?!" She snapped, not only at me, but she'd snapped inside, and it was all downhill from there.

"Leave me alone, Claire. Please." I begged.

"I know what your fucking problem is!"

That was bullshit, I sat up, and stared at her. She had no fucking clue, "What is it?"

"You don't want to break up with Ethan now, and you regret telling me I could have him, you bitch."

She couldn't be any more wrong. I wanted to cry more than ever, "Claire, that's bullshit. Do you want to know what's fucking wrong with me?!"

"Don't talk to me like that."

Fighting back my urge to hit her now, I took a deep breath, "I…I'm…" I wanted to say it. I wanted to scream in her face that I was in love with Lizzie, but I couldn't. Everything inside my was telling me to, except one little voice that was louder than all the other ones combined, "I'm not feeling well, ok?"

She took some pity on me because I'm sure she saw the tears coming, which would make her feel guilty because I never cried, "I'm sorry…I hope you aren't pregnant…that would really cause problems with me getting with Ethan."

What a selfish bitch, and to think everyone else thought of me like that made me feel sick. Any bit of compassion she had was completely self-centered. I've never been so confused in my life. I wanted someone to just tell me what to do, so I wouldn't have to make a decision because I wasn't seeing a single positive outcome in anything I could do. This was too hard for me. I was going to feel like shit no matter what the final outcome of all of this Lizzie stuff was.

"C'mon, let's go to the mall…" I moaned, and got up. There was my decision. No more thinking, and going back to my safety. Stupid, selfish, bitchy Kate was my safety. I didn't get hurt here. At least no one thought so because I didn't show it. As long as no one else saw it, then it didn't exist.

"Are you sure you feel ok? I don't want you throwing up in the taxi or anything." Claire was suddenly somewhat compassionate again. It was a self-centered compassion though, as always. She didn't want me making her look bad, even to a taxi driver.

"I'm ok." I lied. I wanted to throw up. I was sick of my fucking self. I hated myself, but I've always been too much of a pussy to change, or do anything about it. I was so fucking stupid, and selfish, but it was different from Claire. At least I think so.