Standard disclaimer: I do not own Jareth or Labyrinth ( though I wouldnt mind to, just for 2 or 3 hours....oh, sorry) niether do I own anything conected to Lexx or its cast( Though I wouldnt mind haveing Prince alone...ooooh Prince AND Jareth!!! STOP IT!!!!!) Anyway, I own nothing to with either.
"Space. Black, nothing space.Black, nothing, BOREING space." Stanley Tweedle droned on and on , as he always did, as Xev sat on the floor buffing her nails. When you are cooped up in a space ship with a Dead man, a robot head and a Love Slave who was designed to want every man ever made BUT you, it was indeed boreing. "Lexx, I want you to find a planet we can go to or somthing really soon.I am about to burst!"
" That would be an improvement, Tweedle" 790 rolled into view.
"Stop it 790." Xev admonished.
" I have found a planet, Stan.Do you want me to blow it up?" The big bug that made up their ship ask in its childish way. In the large display screen they saw the planet Lexx spoke of. It was being circled by a strange crystal moon. It looked promising. " NO Lexx, wait! 790, can you find out anything about it?" The Robot head looked at Stan as if he had just asked him to lick some part of him. " Why should I do that for you , Security guard scum?"
" 790, tell us what you can find out" Xev had moved to stand next to Stanley, watching the display. " Anything for you, oh buttercup of love" After a quick scan, he told them that it was able to support life and that it seemed to be made up of many very separate zones. " One of which is a maze like structure called a Labyrinth"
Stan thought a moment, then stepped off his platform. " I am going to go wake up Kai, we may need him if we go down there." The trio made its way to the cryo chamber , where coffin shaped vessels lined one wall. IN the center one , just through the frosted glass, could be seen a man in all black. He looked dead because, well , he was. Pressing a series of buttons on the control panel in front of the pod, Stanley activated the lid , lifting it and wakeing Kai. " Why have you awaken me?" he asked in a monotone voice. Stanley took a step towards him. " Well, you see, we found a planet and wanted to check it out, you know, go down and see whats what." Kai rose off the bed of the pod and stood. Xev gazed at him , as she always did, with love and desire.
" We must first find out all that we can about this planet" Kai lead the way back to the main deck " 790, can you find anything in your data base about this place?"
The Robot head was about to say something smart, but caught the look on the love slaves face, warning him of what she might do if he didnt help. He re-told the information he had given before.
" I wonder what kind of life there is, ya know, are there women? Are they "open"? Are they loose?" Stan only ever had one thing on his mind. SEX. 790 snorted as well as a robot head could " More then likely it is inhabited by goblins" Xev look at him , curiously. " Whats a..goblin?" Stanley gave the robot head a sour look " Well, if there is, they can have you."
" What is a goblin" Xev asked again. Stan looked at her and sighed. " It is a small, ugly creature who likes to play pranks. They are well known for taking things that no one else wants" Kai had been silent up till now, but he had a memory of something. " I have a memory of someone, who would send Goblins to take people when they were wished away." Xev laughed " See, Stan. You dont have anything to worry about. If there really were goblins, you would have been taken along time ago. EVERYONE wishes you would go away." Stanley walked away from her and climbed onto his perch. Holding out his hand he, prepared to give Lexx directions. " Well, if its true, I wish the Goblins would come and take you away, RIGHT NOW!"As Xev fell to the floor, laughing at her own joke, Stanley turned his back to her and placed his hand on the control panel. Then he noticed, Xev wasnt laughing anymore. In fact, she wasnt there anymore.
A sudden wind rushed into the room and in flew an Owl, white and brown. Stanley and Kai covered their faces , protecting them from the blowing debris. When the wind stopped and they look up, they saw before them where the bird had been a man. He had a regal air about him. Dressed head to toe in midnight blue velvet, he smiled and then spoke " Whats said is said, you wished her away , my goblins have taken her" Stanley jumped to the ground and stalked over to the man. " Listen, I dont know what you did to her, but you better bring her back! WHo are you, Prince in another disguise?" The man drew himself up to his full height, and lifed his nose looking down its lenght at the man before him " I am no prince" he spat out " I am Jareth, King of the goblins!" 790 choose that moment to race forward and bumped himself into the shin of the King repeatedly " Where have you taken her, where is my love?" Jareth looked down in disgust and kick the robot off his little cart. Then he took the time to look about himself. The walls looked like the insides of something....alive. The smell of the place almost made him retch. " You are the king of the goblins, I believe you have a way that we can get Xev back" Kia stepped forward, ever the voice of reason. Jareth gathered his cloak about him, still eyeing the area with a worried glance, as if something might drip on him " What? OH!...yes" with a snap of his fingers, he transported Stanley , Kai and himself to a hill top overlooking the maze " You must solve the Labyrinth in 13 hours, or Xev will be mine forever" with that he vanished in search of a hot bath. " HEY! Well, this is just great. Now what?" Stanley turned in circles, looking about him. As he turned back to where Kai had been, he saw that the assasin had started down the hill. " Kai , wait up!" there was no way he was going to be left alone in this place.
Jareth felt much better , now he had showered and changed his clothes. Now he had to go look in on his guest. He laughed as he thought of the bungleing man in red. More then likely , he had gotten some woman with child, and that woman had dumped that child on him and he couldnt handle it. Sometimes he felt sorry for the children he took. Unwanted, unloved. Stopping infront of the door to the chamber she had been put in, he fixed a stern look on his face, ready to frighten the child within. Turning the knob he walked in. What he saw then , he wasnt ready for. There, on the bed, lay one of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. "OH! I am sorry. I thought this was the room they had put the child Xev in" Xev slid off the bed and laughed seductively. Jareth swallowed uncomfortably as she walked slowly to him. "" I am Xev, but I'm not a child." She stopped in front of him, smileing up at him , her lust for the goblin king plain on her face.
Jareth took a step back. " No, I can see that" Xev stalked him around untill his back was to the bed, and when his legs touched it, she gave a slight push and he fell backwards. in the blink of an eye , she was ontop of him and kissing him deeply. Jareth wiggled his way out from under her, falling off the bed onto the floor " You want to....do it.....on the floor?" The way she said the words "do it" made him flinch. He struggled to get on his feet and she bound off the bed after him. " N-o....I heard someone calling me" he backed to the door, holding a hand out to stop her, the other fumbleing for the door " Sorry, I need to go...do...the..thing..BYE!" and he was out the dorr, closeing it behind him. OH blast, he had never had a grown woman as his captive before, well at least not one this ...aggresive. " Where are those two?" he pulled out his crystal ball, looking deep into it.
At that moment Stanley was standing next to Kai who had used his brace to pin a strange looking little man to the wall. " Yeah! Now what do you have to say when we ask how to get in there??" Stanley poked a finger in the little mans face, who struggled to speak " Yeh .. yeh ... gets .. in ... there ... gasp .... I .....swears" with that a door opened up that had not been there a moment ago. Kai retracted his brace and let the man drop. As they walked off, he was heard to mutter something about someone named Sarah and the fact that all she did was take his jewels to get his help." Wow, I feel sorry for him" Stanley reached down to check that HIS jewels were still in place. Jareth, who had seen what had happened popped up in front of them " Why didnt you tell me that it wasnt a child you had wished away?" Kai looked at him and shrugged " You did not ask. If you had we would have told you it was not" Jareth walked over to were a large branch lay on the ground, large enough to sit on. And that he did, his head in his hands. " Look I will help you solve this labyrinth if you promise to leave here and not come back, I dont think I can handle her." Jareth looked visablely shaken. He had never met anyone like these people. Stanley thought for a moment. " Okay, we will let you help us, but in exchange, you have to give us something back." Licking his lips he waited. Jareth sat up straight then looked at him. " What do you want?" he asked cautiously, worried about the request.
" We... that is I, want women. Lots of them , and they have to be beautiful. And open. OH and loose." Stanley rubbed his hands together.
Jareth blinked. " And how am I supposed to get you a lot of loose open women?" What was wrong with these people??
Stanley looked at his nails, they buffed them on his jumpsuit. " Well, thats not my problem, is it? I mean , you want us to take Xev away , you have to give us what I want."
Jareth's head was starting to hurt. There was no way he would subject anyone, let alone loose women to this..this...NO that was to evil, even for him. " No I am sorry , I cant do it." Stan srugged and started to walk. Kai followed " I guess we have to do this on our own."
With a groan, Jareth vanished. Stan looked at the spot he had been and shook his head. It was odvious that Xev had done her usual and thrown herself at him , and the King hadnt liked it. What was wrong with that guy? Maybe he like guys, I mean he was wearing tights, and that hair............
THIS IS THE AUTHOR SPEAKING TO STANLEY H. TWEEDLE: DO NOT GO THERE, OR YOU WILL BE HURT......BAD!!!
" Soooorry, But you have to admit......" THERE WILL BE NO MORE WARNINGS! " Okay, Okay."
Kai, looked at Stanley " You know how she gets. I would suggest that you not anger her any more" Stanley looked sheepishly at the sky, then the two moved off.
Kai found the opening in the wall, no problem, but still made the wrong turn. " I got a bad feeling about this, dont you Kai?" THe dead man in black stopped and turned to Stanley Then back the way he had been walking " The dead do not feel" Ne stared off once more.
Back at the castle, Jareth was hiding out. When he had returned, he found that most of the goblins in the castle were also hiding, the ones who had not gotten away, were laying on the floor out side Xev's room, looking very spent. As he had made his way to the throne room, he had once again been attacked by the woman.
" Hello again.....why dont you want me?" a pout formed on her full lips . Jareth began wishing that he had worn his longer jacket. " It isnt that , its just I am ...um ....taken."
Xev looked hurt, but that only lasted a second as she came forward placeing her hands on his lapel. " Thats ok, I dont mind" raiseing on tip toe , she pressed her lips on his, then forced her tounge into his mouth. Jareths eyes widened and he backed way from her " Oh dear, I forgot I need to go bake a cake." With that , he was gone. Now he sat in his bedchambers, where he had been ever since. Every now and then , he heard the frightened shrieks of his goblin guard.
Somthing had to be done, but what?
Kai had been able to get them as far as the bog of eternal stench. Stanley thought he was going to pass out. " MY god, what is that smell, I have never smelled anything so bad! Do you smell that Kai?" The man in black once more looked at his companion. " I do not smell anything, the dead do not smell" Stanley muttered somthing about , actually some of them do and rather bad I might add. they made their way around the big puddle of stinky water that bubbled and foamed. In front of them , they saw a bridge. As they tried to cross it , a small fox like creature leaped infront of them " None shall pass without my permission!" Bad move! Ever on guard, Kai released his brace, knockeding the hat off the foxex head. Yipeing he ran back to his guard house telling them to go , just go. Once past the bog, it was smooth sailing to the city
They met with no resistance as they walked through the city and up the steps to the castle.Many of the goblins who dwelled in the houses they past, shouted words of encourgement to Kai and Stanley, asking them to here up and get to the castle, thank you very much. Then they saw her, sitting on the front stoop. Xev looked up at their approch. " He kicked me out. Told me to get out and wait for you here, then locked the door behind him." She looked disappointed. Just then they relized that they had not come down in a moth, how would they get back up to the Lexx? " Hey I just reallized, we didnt come down in a moth, how will we get back up to the Lexx?" Stanley, dummy that he is, repeated the narritive.
" You know, I have had about enough of you! Why should we do what you tell us to?" He yelled in the direction of the author.
BECAUSE, I AM THE AUTHOR. I CAN MAKE YOU BLOW UP IF I WANT. IN FACT, I THINK I AM DONE WITH THIS STORY. STANLEY, YOU GO BACK TO THE LEXX.XEV, YOU , CAN GO TO THE CLOSEST MALE STRIP CLUB, AND KIA, YOU GO TO MY FRIEND KRAISINS HOUSE...OH AND BY THE WAY, YOUR ALIVE AGAIN.
Just then, Prince appeared, even though he has nothing to do with this story. " How did I get here?" With a flash of lightning, the author showed up, waved her hand sending the others off to their appointed destinations. Then, grabbing Princes and, she walked into the castle with him. Smileing at the audiance, she put a DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door and shut it with them inside.
THE END.