(Telboriel, thanks. Interesting to hear what you were expecting. Isha, thanks. Hope you continue to love the story.)

Part 10, Fear and Anger

--Lantash--

"Lantash?"

I realize the door opened, and I hadn't registered it. Samantha called to me. I can't face her. Unfortunately she and Jacob, I assume it's Jacob, come closer.

"We've been looking for you." Her voice seems off.

Do you want me to talk to her, Narim asks quietly.

Narim. I'm sorry, Narim. I'm sorry what I put you though.

You didn't do anything wrong to me. I wanted you in control for this mission, remember?

Not for this. I gesture to Zar's body.

You were angry. I know that. I feel what you feel, remember? He feels what I did was wrong. I can sense that, but for some reason he has no resentment towards me.

I hear Jacob speaking through the radio. "We found Lantash. He's...safe. Zar is dead."

Samantha hesitantly kneels by me.

--Selmak--

After Jacob informed the others of the situation, partly, I think we just stared for a moment. This we did not expect. I feel Jacob worry a bit for Samantha when she approaches Lantash. He's Lantash. He's not going to hurt her...he's just...upset.

He beat someone to death.

He was a Goa'uld. I don't approve either, and Jacob knows it, which makes my argument weak.

The radio sounds. "Daniel here."

Jacob picks it up. "I'm listening."

"We are as well," says Kaid's voice.

"Teal'c and I now have the control room."

"Good job."

"Actually no one was controlling it. According to the scanners there are still some Jaffa on the lower decks. Teal'c is sealing those decks."

It appears we have gained ourselves a brand new Goa'uld mother ship. I should feel pleased, and yet all I feel is worry.

--Lantash--

It's been a few hours now. I'm sitting in a corner trying to figure out where I went wrong. I look up when Samantha comes in. "Do you still wish to be left alone?"

I shake my head no.

She approaches, and sits down by me. I frown slightly. "I don't understand." I turn to her. "Zar is gone. Why do I still fear them?"

"Lantash, I don't think Zar was the base of your fear. He contributed a lot of your fear for the Goa'uld...but he wasn't the start of it."

"I started fearing them after he captured me. How is he not the base of my fear?"

She seems to hesitate.

"Please, tell me what it is you are thinking."

"Lantash...your...your a symbiote."

That statement surprises me. "Yes, I am." Is this how she sees me now? Just a symbiote?

"As long as you have been fighting the Goa'uld there was..." She shook her mind, deciding to change how to put whatever she was going to say. "There are a lot of things the Goa'uld do that make people fear them."

"Yes."

"One of the biggest fears is being taken as a host."

"That is correct." I'm still curious to where this is going.

"As long as you have been fighting them, that wasn't one of your fears. A symbiote can't take another symbiote as a host. You...that was a power they didn't have over you. They couldn't control you."

"Yes, you are correct. I never thought about it, but this is something I never had to fear."

She hesitates again. "But..."

I frown. "A Goa'uld still cannot take me as a host."

"No, but...they did make Martouf a za'tarc."

That stings.

"The very fear they never had over you, suddenly you were living it...you didn't have control."

I look away, feeling at fault. "I failed him."

"Lantash-"

"He was programmed like a machine, and I didn't notice." I turn to her. "You saved him from having to kill himself. I couldn't do anything. I tried to take over to save him, but I failed. How does a symbiote fail in taking control of a host?! I could have saved him then. I couldn't...I didn't even die with him like I was suppose to." I turn away. "I failed him. I couldn't save him so I should have died with him. I was ready and proud to die with him. Then suddenly he was gone. I don't mean he died first. I mean...he was gone, mentally and physically gone. I realized I had woken up, and that he must be dead, but I couldn't figure out where I was. I was lying on something cold and hard, but the air was hot. Breathing was difficult. There was not even a new host. No new thoughts or words. I was alone in a way I never had been since before my first host. I could sense death around me. I thought I was in some type of afterlife, and was being punished." I turn to her. "I 'escaped' briefly with Elliot. I was able to feel useful as I healed him, and helped you out of the tunnels. Elliot told you how I felt about you. I actually had hope that he and I might survive, but such hope was foolish. Then Elliot and I were going on a death mission, and I watched as you had to leave us. Things got worse from then on, as you know. In a way I lost control again. I couldn't help Elliot as he started to...go. I had no power with Zar. I couldn't be proud of keeping information from him because I honestly didn't have the answered he sought...and if I had, I felt I would have given in...betraying the Tok'ra. After blending with Narim I feared I would fail him as I had failed Martouf and Elliot." I turn to her. "I realize now, my fear it to lose control."

I'm not sure when, but I realize she is holding my hands. I smile lightly, and ask her, "Do you remember when Narim told you that every day the thought of you kept him alive?"

"Yes."

"That is true for me as well. The moment I saw you was the moment I knew my hell was over with, but I still have much healing to do." Especially now that I have again lost control. "Will you help me?"

She returned the smile. "I'll help you."

--Selmak--

I sense two symbiotes, and turn to see Kaid and Anguis. Kaid is giving me a funny look, but trying to hide it with a smile. "Selmak."

"Kaid."

"I just wanted to say, back in the forest...why didn't you shoot Lantash? You shot me."

"You've been thinking about this the entire time?" I glance from Anguis to Kaid. Have they been talking about this?

I don't like this, Jacob thinks.

"No, however the mission is done, and I have been thinking it over. Actually, I assumed Anguis had told you, but he didn't."

That explains how Anguis got involved. I look to him, and then back to Kaid. I resist frowning. "You are wondering why I didn't shoot Lantash." I wonder if he is suspicious about what I knew beforehand. I guess waking up and seeing Lantash and I talking must have been unexpected. "I shot you because I didn't see you at the time. I didn't want to be caught if it turned out I was sensing to two Jaffa. As soon as Lantash and I saw each other, he told me who he was."

"That would explain everything..." His expression changes, and becomes unreadable.

"Yes."

"..except, I was conscious when you first approached Lantash."

Damn!

I told you that you should not have assumed he was unconscious, Jacob thinks.

That doesn't help, Jacob.

It wasn't as if I had put thought into thinking Kaid was unconscious, and so it was fine to call Lantash by name. I had been very surprised to see Lantash, and when you are surprised to see people, you tend to say their name.

Now what?

Defend us! Or put me in control, and I'll-

All right. All right, I think to my host. However, they had every right to be angry, and by the new looks on their faces, they were fairly ticked off.

Anguis steps forward. "You knew he was alive! You knew! Selmak! You knew what the affect Lantash's lost to the Tok'ra was, especially now!"

"For six months you kept his survival a secret." Kaid didn't yell, but his tone held more disapproval. "I could not believe at first you would do such a thing, yet here it is, the truth. You betrayed all of us. We need him."

Being told I betrayed the Tok'ra rather stings.

"We mourned him," Anguis continues, "and when learning he was alive, you kept it to yourself. Actually, you did worse than that. When you told us about the drug that counteracted the Tok'ra poison I personally asked you if Lantash could have survived. You said it was impossible!"

That wasn't entirely true. I said it was impossible unless he used a sarcophagus, knowing Anguis would assume Lantash was not put into one. Despite the situation, a laugh comes through. A small laugh, but a laugh. It is responded with a glare. "What do you plan to do with this information?"

"The Tok'ra need to know," Anguis responds.

"They need to know, or should know? Let me rephrase that question, are you angry because I let you continue to believe Lantash was dead, or are you angry because there was another Tok'ra out there, and the council didn't know about it?"

Anguis frowns slightly. "Both."

"You both claim to be his friends."

"We are."

"Yet you care nothing for what he wants! You know that the Tok'ra Council would want his return. You know they'd want to send him on missions. That is why you want him back. That is what you meant by saying the Tok'ra needed him. They need another Tok'ra to go out on missions. Well, that is not going to happen. He needs to heal. It's not a matter of wanting to feel better, or just wanting to stay on earth. If you don't believe me then take a good look at Zar's body. Tell me you were not surprised that he was beaten to death. Tell me you are not shocked that Lantash could beat someone to death!"

"We can help him," Anguis says, while I think Kaid was stunned into silence. "We have all gone through a lot, and we help each other. That is what the Tok'ra do. Yes, I was surprised when I saw what happened to Zar, but I did not judge Lantash for it. Compared to the Tau'ri the Tok'ra know far more of what the Goa'uld is capable of because we've all been through it."

"That is precisely why he should be with the Tau'ri. They don't know everything, and so can adjust better to something new. What will the Tok'ra do when their methods of healing a mind don't work?"

"How do you know it won't work?"

"I know because despite what you say, you haven't been through what he has been through. None of us has." In fact the only ones who had killed themselves, whether they wanted to or not. "His host became a za'tarc." This they knew, but I felt they needed reminding. "He lost control of his own actions, and that is something the Tau'ri can understand. Either they fear it, or they have gone through it. Then his next host went insane." Anguis and Kaid both slightly pale with that statement. "For a year he was blended with a host who had lost his mind, and Lantash's only option was to take control. He wasn't just in the prison alone with no other Tok'ra or human, but he didn't even have a host with him. Do you really think you have any idea what that is like?"

Anguis answers."No, but-"

"You can call me a traitor if you want, but as much as the Tok'ra care about him, they won't understand his need to be on earth. I can't stop you from telling them, but I won't. I want him to recover as quickly as he can, and he can only do that if he is somewhere he feels safe. Going on missions is steps to his recovery, and hopefully his steps to returning to us. When I write my mission for this for the Tok'ra, I will again leave him out of it. You do what you want, but know this, whatever you decide, you are going to be either betraying the council or hurting him."

With that, I leave. Thank you, I think to Jacob who had been helping me come up with what to say the entire time.

You think they are going to tell?

I hope not.

To be continued...