Hi it's me again. I am SO SORRY that I haven't updated in so long. I will do better next time, I promise. Really truly. Well yeah. Anyway, replying to reviews...
boogalaga: why thankyou. I'm really sorry I didn't update, I'll be quicker with the next one...hopefully...
ameliana: I see where you're coming from, with his parents' authority and so on, and I've taken it into account a bit I think. But I think that he was sort of hiding his criminal antics from his parents because he didn't want to make his dad disappointed in him, rather than because he was worried about them being mad. Well, I don't know, but hopefully you won't mind this take on it even if it's a bit different to your own opinion.
UnicornVampire3z: first of all, thanks for all your lovely reviews, they were very nice to receive and useful too I think. so...first things first... ::quails:: I'm very very sorry and I will never use his pet name again without good reason. And I'm sorry about the smile/vampiric grin faux pas, will try harder next time. And it's after book 3, and I'm trying to work Mulch in somewhere and he will turn up soon enough, and I'm not sure what happened to the good Fowl bad Fowl thing. Also I am very happy not to have to use the Sig Sauer... violence is not something I like to resort to unless my brother is involved...
Alice: Thanks very much, I'm glad you think it's well written etc. I see where you're coming from about him going along with what his parents want him to do then fixing it all up when he gets there, and well I can't be bothered to change it now although I will just hurry up and make him go to Chester if that's what you're getting at. And I'm not sure about the student exchange thing, but we'll just say that in Wotzbugl, a universe very similar to that which Artemis Fowl is set, you can have the students go one at a time or whatever. Mainly because I can't be bothered to change it now, also I want them to meet and fight. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT ::clears throat:: right, well on with the story, I will stop jabbering now.
Disclaimer: oh surely you don't want to hear this rubbish again. You can guess which is mine and which is Colfer's by the utter uselessness of mine. If you can't work it out, ask your friendly neighbourhood hamster. I'm sure they will be happy to oblige.
Chapter III
"Artemis, you're going to Chester and I'm not going to participate in any discussion. Deal with it."
Artemis laughed.
"Juliet, you should really get into stand-up comedy. Your imitation of my mother is flawless. Except I'm not so sure about the 'deal with it' comment. Not quite her. Maybe a 'off you go, then', or something a bit more maternal next time. Otherwise, brilliant."
Juliet laughed and bowed, then stopped.
"Nah, I'm serious, actually. I heard them discussing it and I know it'll just ruin your relationship with them if they have to blackmail you, so I decided to step in."
Artemis raised an eyebrow.
"And on what basis did you feel it your place to interfere?"
"As a friend. Informer. Ally. Whatever. Just remember, if you want to hate your parents, ignore me."
"Could you...elaborate? How precisely do they intend to blackmail me? You know I've been neglecting my surveillance of the Manor recently, so please explain what you're on about."
Juliet smiled. It was not often that she knew something Artemis didn't, and she intended to make the most of it.
"What do I get out of it?" she asked, trying to mimic Artemis' patented vampiric grin.
"I shall refrain from informing my parents of your habits of eavesdropping." The boy replied smoothly. Juliet rolled her eyes and shrugged.
"Okay, okay. Apparently one Aunt Francesca has asked your mum and dad to come to her place at Inverness. She's like, totally living in the Dark Ages and hates technology, like I heard something about an icebox instead of a fridge, or something like that. Well, yeah, apparently you can go with them to Inverness or you can go to Chester and meet these Brown people. From what I've heard, you really, really want to pick the Browns. Your dad's like, totally pissed about having to go."
"I'm sure I can decide what I 'really, really' want to do. I..."
"Oh, my God! You know that song, it's like 'I really really wanna..."
"Juliet! You are undermining my trust in your opinion very, very efficiently. Kindly make no more references to the Spice Girls in my presence."
"How the hell do you know anything about the Spice Girls?! No, wait... Artemis likes the Spice Girls, Artemis likes the Spice Girls..."
"BUTLER!!"
Butler appeared in the doorway, valiantly trying to keep a straight face. Artemis, on the other hand, was not in the least amused.
"Kindly subdue your sister, Butler, and explain to her that she will need to maintain a reasonable level of maturity if she wishes to converse with me further." Butler nodded, and led his sister (still laughing) gently away from Artemis' study, leaving the boy alone.
Artemis leaned back in his chair. He really was quite embarrassed by Juliet's insightful comments about his taste in popular music. But, he tried to justify to himself, their tunes were pretty catchy after all. That is entirely irrelevant, his mind screamed. No-one must ever know! Especially not Juliet. But perhaps if he could convince her that he simply kept some knowledge of popular culture at hand in case it came in useful... but he knew his face had given him away. Ah well. Revenge would be his, and it would be sweet.
Look what you've been reduced to, his mind admonished. Look at the pettiness that girl brings out in you. Get a grip on yourself, Fowl. You are one of the most powerful people in the world, with your resources and intelligence. Probably the most powerful person under the age of eighteen. And look at what happens when Juliet makes fun of you. You've been sitting here thinking about it for the last five minutes. She makes fun of everyone, why do you care?
Ugh, thought Artemis, I really do need to get a grip on myself. And what about this new information about the Chester issue? If it's true I have to go to Inverness if I don't go to the Browns', well, at least the Browns would have an internet connection.
Look at that, Artemis. Look at that sentence. Your grammar's slipping. Even your mind is becoming a glutinous mush at incidents like this. You're losing it, Artemis, you're...
Get the hell out of my head, thought Artemis. Where did you come from, anyway? Just leave me alone. I'm perfectly aware of every aspect of my being, and I most definitely do not need some random voice in my head at the moment.
So, Chester. To go, or not to go? That is the question.
What a lame cliché. Disgusting.
I thought I told you to get lost.
Ha-ha.
Get out of my head. Now.
But I am your head.
No you aren't. You're a disturbing figment of my imagination.
Then why are you arguing with me?
Because you're bloody annoying.
Yes, well, I am you after all.
Shut up. I'm trying to think.
Just you try and make me.
Argh! Silence!
You're so funny, Artemis. You always make me laugh.
What the hell? If I make you laugh, and you are me, then you'd think I would be laughing at myself for no apparent reason, right now. Which I am not.
Stop picking holes in your own logic, Arty. You'll only depress yourself.
Simultaneously depressing you, hopefully making you withdrawn and, even better, silent. And don't call me Arty.
This strange conversation went on in Artemis' head for quite some time. If there had been a fairy hovering outside his window checking on him, (which incidentally there wasn't; they were all sleeping off one of the many festivals of Frond, this one the celebration of the invention of alcoholic drinks, which they attributed to their deity) they would have seen him staring blankly into space for an unnecessarily large amount of time and sent back word that he'd lost it completely.
::::In Haven::::
The eerie laughter echoed through the headquarters of the LEP. Heads turned and stared at the PA speakers, confused and frightened. Who was this, whose was the laughter ominously resounding throughout the building? Surely it could not be the dreaded Artemis Fowl, for he had been neutralized months ago, although his name still struck terror into the hearts of all faeries. Well, the vast majority. Basically, everyone who never actually met him. But it could not be his laughter, he was gone. For good. So whose was it?
"Foaly! What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you realize you are leaning on the bloody PA button?! Do you realize you are terrorizing the whole bloody LEP?! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!!"
The centaur cringed as Commander Root roared at the security camera outside the Ops Booth. He'd always known there was a reason why he kept that door locked at all times. Wow, he thought, I'm not sure if old Beetroot's ever been quite that colour before. So, to open the door. Or maybe not. Hmm.
"Open this bloody door donkey boy or I start shooting at this computer thing here!!"
Foaly's eyes widened as the barrel of a Neutrino 2000 was levelled at the camera. It was actually quite an interesting view, and he allowed himself a moment of pride that the gun's streamlined appearance was never interrupted, even from this angle, where you normally wouldn't be worrying much about aesthetics. Then he remembered the computer and camera at stake, and hastily opened the door.
"Julius! How nice to see you! I thought I heard your dulcet tones reverberating around the Booth. Anything I can do for you?"
"Dulcet tones, eh? We've heard a few from you recently. What the devil is so terribly funny that you felt the need to broadcast your laughter across the bloody PA system?! Do you have anything to say for yourself, donkey? And don't call me Julius."
"Er, PA system? Oh dear. I, er..."
"OH DEAR?! The whole bloody LEP is frozen with horror at this... this cackling, this..."
"How about mirth? I was..."
"MIRTH?! Well, donkey, if you have time for mirth in your schedule, I suppose you won't be needing so much in your budget then."
"Julius! If you must know, today the six months are up. I've been checking dear old Mud Boy's surveillance, his computers, his investments, and... oh hello, Holly. What are you doing here?"
Captain Holly Short had poked her head through the open door, grinning manically.
"Foaly. Just the pony I wanted to see. Do you have any idea who is responsible for the evil and incredibly annoying laughter echoing around the third floor? And what's this about Mud Boy?"
"Captain Short, precisely what are you doing here? The LEP don't pay you to socialise, you know." Root was obviously irritated to be interrupted during his tirade.
"Sorry sir, I was asked to come down and ask Foaly if he knew what was going on. A bit distracting, you know. But what's this about the Mud Boy? Did you say the six months were up? So we'll finally see the last of him..."
Holly trailed off, looking slightly wistful as she did so. Not very noticeably, but Foaly notices everything. Except, of course, when he's left a pile of CDs on the PA button...
"Cheer up, Holly. You've got to admit, he was pretty annoying. Take that kidnapping jaunt, for example..."
Holly glared at the centaur, then said loudly,
"Well, he's gone, and that's the main thing. But what was so funny?"
"Yes, donkey, you can't exactly leave us out of the joke now after you've broadcasted precisely how funny it is over the whole PA..."
Foaly started to snigger again. Root began to inflate, and Holly, seeing the Commander, started to slowly back away from the Ops Booth door.
"Fowl's going off to live with normal Mud Men for a bit. And this scene with Juliet... come over here, Holly, and watch it. It's brilliant, absolutely brilliant... any of you ever heard of the 'Spice Girls' ?"
"Yeah, but maybe you should get your CDs off the PA button now. Do you think? And perhaps a quick apology is in order..."
"Donkey, I expect you to show me that video immediately. Does the boy show any signs of remembering the People? You do realise that this is a matter of national security, it's not just some great joke people, it's..."
"Yeah, yeah, we know Julius. The boy's fine. A couple of dreams maybe, and I think he's trying to reconstruct his C Cube, but I really don't think he's going to remember us in a hurry. Come over and look at this though."
Root and Holly gathered around Foaly's computer and watched as Juliet told Artemis what he should do, taunted him about the Spice Girls, and was then led from the room by an obviously amused Butler. The CDs were still on the PA button, and so a second round of laughter echoed through the corridors of the LEP. This time, however, the officers were not worried as they had heard all the dialogue between Root, Foaly and Holly, and also the sound of the movie which had been turned up for Root's benefit. The general good humour of the LEP had improved dramatically and mysteriously by that afternoon.
::::In Chester::::
"Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god..." Jenny was not stressed. Really, she wasn't. She was just acting stressed to sympathise with her friends who were also doing the exam. True fact. Well, maybe there was a bit of stress there. Oh, what the heck, she was about to explode. She'd stayed up all night studying, and now she was alternating between twitching highs and falling half asleep at very inopportune moments. Such as the moment she stepped off the bus and was almost crushed by forty very uptight students as they swarmed off the bus, not stopping for seemingly inanimate persons standing in the doorway.
"Did you study the dances? There's the sarabande, gigue, minuet, gavotte, allemande... and what else? There's one more... or are there two? I am so going to fail this thing..."
Jenny's good friend Anna was even less organized than Jenny was. Some would say that was impossible, but there you go.
"Courante and bourree, Anna. Courante has simple triple time, fast, bourree is fast, simple duple, anacrusis. But you probably won't need to know them, they've asked those two for the past three years, I'm guessing they'll change them for this year. And can you ask someone else next time? I'm not even doing your exam, and mine is heaps harder."
Anna shrugged and walked away. Jenny knew she'd have to apologise later but didn't really care. She needed to pass this exam so she could get her grade eight piano exam certificate, and this was her last chance to do the exam. So no pressure, her mind quipped sardonically.
"Oy, Tim! Tell me about the bassoon, quickly. What's its range?"
This sort of conversation continued until the tense silence brought on by entering the building. The supervisors called the students in, and eventually instructed them to start the paper. As usual, Jenny started off by worrying about how much time she had left, and scribbled everything incoherently all over the page. Then, when she had finished and realising that she actually had another fifty minutes left before she could even leave the hall, she went back and wrote everything properly. Standard protocol for most people, it seemed, judging by the sighs of boredom ensuing ten minutes later. And so to doodle aimlessly on a random piece of paper she happened to have in her pencil case.
Now, at the risk of sounding cliched... please review!!!! It's really encouraging to know that some people have actually read the story. Even tell me it's a load of ::insert expletive:: if you wish, I really don't mind... at least you read it, and could bother to review which makes me feel special : ) Right, well yeah. I will update as soon as ever I can. Wow, that sounded like Enid Blyton. And no, I have NOT been reading her books in the last, what, six years, so don't ask how I know that. I should really shut up now, hey. Well, goodbye.