Standard disclaimers apply.
HakkaixSanzoxHakkai.
****
It's raining again. I hate the rain. Doesn't it know how many memories it brings back for me? I hate the rain. The memories of the fateful night keep replaying in my head. I had to watch my master die in front of me. I saw the blood. There was so much blood. I hate the rain. It reminds me of my helplessness, my weaknesses, and my loss. I loved my master; he was the only one whom I loved, ever. He alone seemed to take care of me. None of the other monks ever cared a whit for me. The filthy youkai scum who wanted his sutra killed my master. Damn them. Damn myself. Why couldn't I have been strong enough to fight them off? How could I let them kill him? How could I have let him die? I hate myself. I hate the rain. Shit. Did I say that I hate the rain yet?
Someone is knocking on my door. It had better not be Goku. I have no patience for him right now. Moreover, he's already came up 3 times tonight. Is it Hakkai? I don't think I have patience for him too. Sigh. Hakkai. You share painful memories about the rain as well. Yet, you can still smile on nights like this. Your strength amazes me, fascinates me. In order to not experience loss or to hurt, I shut everyone out with my taciturnity, moroseness. Despite my attempts, Hakkai got through all my defences. He withstood my curt responses, my behaviour; in all, he withstood me. His pleasantness wormed its way into my heart, and found itself a place there. Sigh. I don't know when it started, but he surely and certainly means something to me. I tried to deny it, tell myself that I don't care a bit for him, but when those youkai attack us, I tend to look towards him, afraid something might happen to him.
"Go away." I said to the person behind the door. But, the door still opened. I knew who it was instantly. Hakkai. I barely listened to his talking. The melodious sound was there, but it was just there, not really penetrating the haze of pain. Pain. The painful memories of Koumyou Sanzo, tortures my soul even as I live and breathe. The same way I shut out everyone, I shut his memories out. But I've learnt that shutting people and memories out don't work. And in a way, I've given up on it. I can remember happy memories of my master without the heart wrenching pain, but I still will not let anyone in. sigh. I'm such a paradox. I say one thing, and do another. My double standards amaze me.
"Sanzo. Goku. worried. downstairs. you... eat? Listening?" Bits of what Hakkai was saying ran through my mind. From what I gathered, Goku was worried about me. But what about you Hakkai? What about you? My dreams about you have stopped as suddenly as they began. But in its place, is a new kind of longing, a more realistic yearning. You're so close, yet so far. You're right next to me most of the time, yet I feel as though you're miles away from me, like an untouchable angel.
Hakkai. You remind me of my master. The same soft eyes, the same smile, the same amicable personality. But that's not why I love you. I love you because, simply because you are you. I can't find the reasons or the words, but I do. When did my like for you evolve into love, I have no idea, but I know that I do love you.
I've tried to not love you. I really did. Because I know if I loved you, I wouldn't be able to protect you. And I don't want to lose you. I don't think I can continue on if I lose someone I love again. Despite all my false bravados, my strong words, I'm not strong. I hate to admit it, but I'm not. I feel like I've failed my master. I hate the rain. I hate myself. And I love Hakkai.
He makes me feel like I'm not worthless. His gentle smiles, kind words, he makes me feel like I am strong, makes me feel like I can do anything. If only he'd love me back. But I know, it's impossible. Hakkai just treats everyone the same, he doesn't care for me anymore than the cockroach does. Speaking of which, I think there might be something between the two of them. From the moment we've met, they have been exceptionally close. I'd hate to admit it, but I'm jealous. Why do I feel such a humbling emotion? Sigh.
"I'll go down later. Just go away now."
I hoped that those words would dismiss Hakkai. Or at least pacify him for a while. Even though I love him, I'm in a damned bad mood right now; I don't want anyone disturbing me. This self-pity drivel really doesn't suit me.
****
Sanzo has been staring off into a blank space in the rain. I wonder if he's listening to me. I'll bet only small fragments of whatever I'm saying are actually getting to him. I wish he wouldn't be like that. I wish he'd show some response to me. I wish he wouldn't torture himself with his memories. Kanan is just a faded memory to me now. I loved her, and I still do. But the dead won't come back, and even if they did, I'm not sure if I'll still love her. Sanzo, Sanzo, Sanzo. You're all that fills my mind. When it rains, I don't think of it as the night that I lost Kanan. I think of it as the night that I met you. And the thought of it makes it so much better. I don't even mind it anymore, and to a small extent, I'm beginning to welcome it.
I keep rambling on and on about how Goku is worried about you. I don't talk about my own worrying. It's always Goku with you. I wish I could be him sometimes. I don't mind you hitting me or shooting at me, just to get some response out of you. Just to see the life in you. When you talk to me, you're always so quiet, always so polite. Polite isn't the word for it, maybe more of subdued. The words that I'd really like to say were along the lines of, don't hurt yourself anymore; don't think about the past, your whole future is out there. I can't bear to see you like this, keeping all your pain inside you. If I could, I would take it all away from you, and help you bear it. You have no idea how much I love you. Please don't continue being like this anymore. It's okay if you hurt me, but don't hurt yourself any longer.
But of course, you'd never hear me saying that. I can't tell him the extent of my feelings, or even tell him my feelings at all. Not being able to tell you of how I feel tears me up inside. But I will endure it, because I'm too afraid that you'd ignore me if you found out that I love you. I'm just too scared to take the risk.
I really wanted to reach out, and hold you in my arms to tell you everything's all right. I really wanted to take away the pain, and never let you know another with loneliness. I really wanted to tell you I love you, and hear you tell me that you love me too. As usual, I didn't. After you asked me to go away, I reluctantly turned and left. I didn't want to leave, but I did. I don't understand myself sometimes. All I want it to love you, is that so hard? I want to make you smile, to make you happy. But each time I even start to try, I falter midway. I am so afraid of losing you.
If I had my way, we'd go on this journey forever. So I won't have to part with you at the end of the road. I want you to be in my life forever. I want to protect you, watch over you, and love you till the end of time. But..
Suddenly I realize that I'm still in your room. You were staring at me all this while. I saw the puzzled look, confusion in your turbulent eyes. And the pain, how could I forget the pain. It was an unguarded moment. In that profound moment, I felt as though there maybe hope for us, and then your eyes became aware, and your invisible shield slid right back on. Where there was once hope, now lay none.
****
To Be Continued.
Thanks to those who reviewed. =)
HakkaixSanzoxHakkai.
****
It's raining again. I hate the rain. Doesn't it know how many memories it brings back for me? I hate the rain. The memories of the fateful night keep replaying in my head. I had to watch my master die in front of me. I saw the blood. There was so much blood. I hate the rain. It reminds me of my helplessness, my weaknesses, and my loss. I loved my master; he was the only one whom I loved, ever. He alone seemed to take care of me. None of the other monks ever cared a whit for me. The filthy youkai scum who wanted his sutra killed my master. Damn them. Damn myself. Why couldn't I have been strong enough to fight them off? How could I let them kill him? How could I have let him die? I hate myself. I hate the rain. Shit. Did I say that I hate the rain yet?
Someone is knocking on my door. It had better not be Goku. I have no patience for him right now. Moreover, he's already came up 3 times tonight. Is it Hakkai? I don't think I have patience for him too. Sigh. Hakkai. You share painful memories about the rain as well. Yet, you can still smile on nights like this. Your strength amazes me, fascinates me. In order to not experience loss or to hurt, I shut everyone out with my taciturnity, moroseness. Despite my attempts, Hakkai got through all my defences. He withstood my curt responses, my behaviour; in all, he withstood me. His pleasantness wormed its way into my heart, and found itself a place there. Sigh. I don't know when it started, but he surely and certainly means something to me. I tried to deny it, tell myself that I don't care a bit for him, but when those youkai attack us, I tend to look towards him, afraid something might happen to him.
"Go away." I said to the person behind the door. But, the door still opened. I knew who it was instantly. Hakkai. I barely listened to his talking. The melodious sound was there, but it was just there, not really penetrating the haze of pain. Pain. The painful memories of Koumyou Sanzo, tortures my soul even as I live and breathe. The same way I shut out everyone, I shut his memories out. But I've learnt that shutting people and memories out don't work. And in a way, I've given up on it. I can remember happy memories of my master without the heart wrenching pain, but I still will not let anyone in. sigh. I'm such a paradox. I say one thing, and do another. My double standards amaze me.
"Sanzo. Goku. worried. downstairs. you... eat? Listening?" Bits of what Hakkai was saying ran through my mind. From what I gathered, Goku was worried about me. But what about you Hakkai? What about you? My dreams about you have stopped as suddenly as they began. But in its place, is a new kind of longing, a more realistic yearning. You're so close, yet so far. You're right next to me most of the time, yet I feel as though you're miles away from me, like an untouchable angel.
Hakkai. You remind me of my master. The same soft eyes, the same smile, the same amicable personality. But that's not why I love you. I love you because, simply because you are you. I can't find the reasons or the words, but I do. When did my like for you evolve into love, I have no idea, but I know that I do love you.
I've tried to not love you. I really did. Because I know if I loved you, I wouldn't be able to protect you. And I don't want to lose you. I don't think I can continue on if I lose someone I love again. Despite all my false bravados, my strong words, I'm not strong. I hate to admit it, but I'm not. I feel like I've failed my master. I hate the rain. I hate myself. And I love Hakkai.
He makes me feel like I'm not worthless. His gentle smiles, kind words, he makes me feel like I am strong, makes me feel like I can do anything. If only he'd love me back. But I know, it's impossible. Hakkai just treats everyone the same, he doesn't care for me anymore than the cockroach does. Speaking of which, I think there might be something between the two of them. From the moment we've met, they have been exceptionally close. I'd hate to admit it, but I'm jealous. Why do I feel such a humbling emotion? Sigh.
"I'll go down later. Just go away now."
I hoped that those words would dismiss Hakkai. Or at least pacify him for a while. Even though I love him, I'm in a damned bad mood right now; I don't want anyone disturbing me. This self-pity drivel really doesn't suit me.
****
Sanzo has been staring off into a blank space in the rain. I wonder if he's listening to me. I'll bet only small fragments of whatever I'm saying are actually getting to him. I wish he wouldn't be like that. I wish he'd show some response to me. I wish he wouldn't torture himself with his memories. Kanan is just a faded memory to me now. I loved her, and I still do. But the dead won't come back, and even if they did, I'm not sure if I'll still love her. Sanzo, Sanzo, Sanzo. You're all that fills my mind. When it rains, I don't think of it as the night that I lost Kanan. I think of it as the night that I met you. And the thought of it makes it so much better. I don't even mind it anymore, and to a small extent, I'm beginning to welcome it.
I keep rambling on and on about how Goku is worried about you. I don't talk about my own worrying. It's always Goku with you. I wish I could be him sometimes. I don't mind you hitting me or shooting at me, just to get some response out of you. Just to see the life in you. When you talk to me, you're always so quiet, always so polite. Polite isn't the word for it, maybe more of subdued. The words that I'd really like to say were along the lines of, don't hurt yourself anymore; don't think about the past, your whole future is out there. I can't bear to see you like this, keeping all your pain inside you. If I could, I would take it all away from you, and help you bear it. You have no idea how much I love you. Please don't continue being like this anymore. It's okay if you hurt me, but don't hurt yourself any longer.
But of course, you'd never hear me saying that. I can't tell him the extent of my feelings, or even tell him my feelings at all. Not being able to tell you of how I feel tears me up inside. But I will endure it, because I'm too afraid that you'd ignore me if you found out that I love you. I'm just too scared to take the risk.
I really wanted to reach out, and hold you in my arms to tell you everything's all right. I really wanted to take away the pain, and never let you know another with loneliness. I really wanted to tell you I love you, and hear you tell me that you love me too. As usual, I didn't. After you asked me to go away, I reluctantly turned and left. I didn't want to leave, but I did. I don't understand myself sometimes. All I want it to love you, is that so hard? I want to make you smile, to make you happy. But each time I even start to try, I falter midway. I am so afraid of losing you.
If I had my way, we'd go on this journey forever. So I won't have to part with you at the end of the road. I want you to be in my life forever. I want to protect you, watch over you, and love you till the end of time. But..
Suddenly I realize that I'm still in your room. You were staring at me all this while. I saw the puzzled look, confusion in your turbulent eyes. And the pain, how could I forget the pain. It was an unguarded moment. In that profound moment, I felt as though there maybe hope for us, and then your eyes became aware, and your invisible shield slid right back on. Where there was once hope, now lay none.
****
To Be Continued.
Thanks to those who reviewed. =)