Hello everybody. Here we have a delightfully long chapter, a bit over four thousand words I believe, so I hope you like it. I would have updated with it earlier, but I was in Manangatang. If anyone has ever heard of Manangatang or knows where it is, please tell me (I'm not entirely sure where it is myself) and I shall... well I'm considering the somewhat cliched bag of vitual cookies as a reward but they tend to be rather unsatisfying... tell me what you want and it shall be arranged. You can have a chapter of either this or Undignified Situation dedicated to you if you like. Or Human, but I don't think many people care about that one. Whatever you like, though. Feel free to inspire me for Undignified, as well... the stream of ridiculousness is starting to dry up, although I doubt that this new-found sanity will be more than a very temporary problem. seeks sugar
Oh, and I live in Australia and have no idea of the British school system, so I'm not sure if year 9 is the same here as there. Anyway, the two kids are both 14, and so please substitute the appropriate school grade level where necessary. Sorry about that. Well, enjoy...
Chapter IIX
::::Brown Household, Chester::::
Artemis heard a loud knock on his door, which was quickly followed up by what he considered to be an excessively violent method of door-opening being put into practice.
"Alright, Fowl, I'll let that one you pulled at dinner go if you tell me everything you know about physics." Jenny looked very flustered indeed.
"Dinner? I don't remember pulling anything, as you say, at dinner," the Irish boy replied innocently one eyebrow raised.
"I don't want to hear your bull. Are you going to help me with my science prac write-up or not?"
"Well, I'm not entirely sure it would be appropriate for me to help. You obviously don't have a very high opinion of my intelligence – why ask me?"
Jenny gave him a death stare. Artemis smirked; it was nowhere near as effective as his was.
"Fine. What the use of having a genius in the house who won't do your homework is beyond me. I guess I'll just have to tell Mum you bullshitted your way out of eating her soup because you thought it was foul."
"Be my guest. She'll think you're lying to make her hate me. And I think you should know; you aren't very good at making up plans. First the delightful soup idea, now this? Dear me," he tutted, eyes glinting.
Jenny's fingers twitched, but she kept them from the awful boy's neck. Not yet, she thought, not yet. She turned to storm out the door but stopped when Artemis spoke again.
"Give me the assignment and the results of the experiment. It should be finished in about ten minutes. And this is only because I am terribly bored, so don't make a habit of it. What grade are you in?"
Jenny frowned. What the hell?
"Okay, just a sec… have to find them first. And why do you want to know what grade I'm in?"
"So that I can use material appropriate to your expected level of knowledge. If I wrote you something like my last physics paper… let us say that your teacher would be rather suspicious."
"What did you write for that?"
Artemis beckoned her over to his computer and pulled up a Word document. Jenny looked at it and could barely understand half the words in it.
"…I see…" she said. Artemis nodded. "Look up Emmsey Squire next time you're online, you'll see this and several other papers attributed to him.
"I don't even want to know," replied Jenny, quite disturbed by the boy sitting near her.
"Bring me the results and I'll have it done for you shortly. I suggest you edit it to sound more like your work though – I am not familiar with your writing style or your usual standard of homework, obviously."
Jenny nodded and left the room. She returned five minutes later with a few pieces of paper, none of which were in a particularly pleasing condition. Artemis took the paper using a finger and thumb and didn't even try to mask the look of disgust on his face.
"These are your notes?"
"Er, yeah. I think there might be something growing in my bag. There's definitely something alive in my locker…"
"Then it's certainly a pity you are not currently studying biology. Mould and other micro-organisms are very interesting to see under a microscope."
"I'll keep that in mind. Shall I leave you to it then?" Jenny went to leave the room, but halted in the doorway as Artemis asked her a final question. Well, repeated an earlier one she had omitted to answer.
"Your year level, Jennifer. Or at least a sample of your other work."
"Oh, right. Year nine. I think something I wrote already is in amongst that stuff I just gave you if you want to see. Oh, and by the way, thanks heaps – this was due yesterday and, well, anyway, I'll leave you to it then, shall I?" Artemis nodded distractedly, already having started on the work, and Jenny left the room.
Artemis was two-thirds of the way through Jenny's physics assignment before he realised what had just happened. Granted, he had only been working for six minutes so far, and optics was one of his current interests, but that didn't excuse the fact that Artemis Fowl had allowed himself to be talked into doing something for someone else. The facts that he was bored, and interested in the subject, and it would only take him a few minutes – they were all irrelevant. Artemis Fowl did not do other teenagers' homework for them. Overdue or otherwise.
Still, the girl might as well have what he'd done so far. Waste not, as some would say. And she had hardly any left to do; he'd written the discussion, and the rest was basically copying from the assignment sheet.
He wondered if she would bother checking through the work to make it sound more like her own. Probably not. But an interesting idea came to him, and his vampire smile returned. He would teach her to ask a Fowl to do useless year nine homework for her.
Artemis went through the discussion section, which was three pages long. He counted twenty words along, then typed 'marshmallows'. Another fifteen words counted, and 'squirrel' was inserted. He couldn't be bothered to count precisely any further, but typed in words such as 'bubblegum', 'southern Tibetan mongoose' (the existence of which he could not confirm, but didn't really care) and the final touch; in the middle of the last paragraph, 'faeries from under the earth' replaced Albert Einstein's name in the description of a theory used. "Sorry, Albert," he muttered, "but it had to be done." He felt sure that Einstein would appreciate the ludicrousness of the concept of faeries living under the earth.
My work here is done, he thought, vampiric grin still in place.
"Jennifer," he called crisply.
"What? You aren't like, finished already or something, are you?" she yelled back, somewhat incredulously.
"I must admit that I am not; however I believe I have done sufficient for you to be able to complete it in a matter of minutes. The discussion is complete, which I imagine is the main thing you required help with, and the only remaining components are primarily those which need only copying. Could you tell me your email address please, and I shall send you the document."
"Wow… cool! Maybe it won't be so bad having you around after all. But email won't work; I'm banned from internet. Got a burner?" Jenny replied as she returned to his room, brandishing a blank CD.
"Naturally," said Artemis, holding out a hand lazily while opening the disk drive on his laptop. The girl handed the disk to him and he quickly burned her homework onto it.
As he handed it back, he said blandly, "I do hope you weren't planning on making a habit of this, Jennifer. You should know that I have no intention of doing your homework for you. I have several projects of my own to work on, and as much as it takes very little time to complete your work, it is, I suppose, a matter of principle."
Jenny raised her eyebrows. "Whatever," she said. "Thanks for helping out tonight though. Science would have been interesting tomorrow if I didn't have this."
"I'm sure it would have been," Artemis replied dryly. And I'm sure it will be anyway if you don't check that discussion, he thought, mentally cackling. "I have two suggestions that you would do well to take note of: read through the work I have done for you, and get your act together. At least by the time it starts to count. What do you do instead of assignments, anyway?"
"Piano. Muso stuff. Had a theory exam last week. You play an instrument?"
"No, it never occurred to me to try. I do enjoy painting, however."
Wow, she thought. It enjoys something other than computing. Weird.
"I did grade eight piano end of last year. Didn't practise much for that though, either. Well, the pieces a bit, I guess, but scales? Got to be kidding. Anyway, didn't do all that well in that because of the scales. Stupid things."
"Indeed. Perhaps I shall try my hand at the piano at some point during my stay. I imagine it would be somewhat similar to typing at a keyboard."
Jenny sniggered.
"You're a funny guy, Fowl. You really never have tried playing, have you?"
"I believe we have already established that," Artemis replied rather nastily, disliking the situation. Proved wrong by her? Not the way he had envisioned this conversation to be. "Miss Brown, I advise you to return to your studies. Something tells me that your physics work is not the only item overdue." The girl glowered at him, and he smirked. The upper hand had been returned to its rightful owner. She left briskly, clutching the disk containing her homework, and Artemis re-addressed himself to being bored. He decided to email Butler, to advise his bodyguard of his safe arrival.
::::Fowl Manor:::: (earlier in the afternoon)
Butler and Juliet sat in their living room, supposedly watching TV. Butler, however, was moping too much to pay attention to the show and Juliet had seen the re-run three times already and was now dreadfully bored. She decided to amuse herself in the best way she knew how.
"Come on, Dom, cheer up. Unless you're doing an elephant/fish hybrid impersonation in which case by all means continue, it's rather amusing."
Domovoi grunted but continued his effective imitation of, as Juliet called it, an elephant-fish hybrid. His sister sighed with frustration.
"Well are you up for a fight then? Jade Princess versus the Butler who needs no pseudonym, you pick the discipline."
The Butler who needed no pseudonym grunted again, but then lifted himself off the couch and sighed. "Whatever. You choose. Give me a moment," he replied as he went over to the kitchenette for a glass of water. As he drank it, the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it," called Juliet as she jogged down the hallway towards the door. Butler followed her slowly, but quickened his pace as she heard her slight shriek.
"Who or what are you?!" yelled Juliet in shock.
"I'll give you a clue. Take a long, deep sniff," replied the creature at the door. Juliet stared at it, then sniffed.
"Wow… you really stink. You aren't coming in here, no way. No stinky mutants allowed. Artemis' orders. Well, not quite, but I'm sure he would have said so if he'd known it would be necessary."
"You think so? I would have thought he'd be happy to see me. Very happy indeed. But I suppose you'd know, Juliet, and is that Butler lurking back there? Good to see you both."
Butler came forward, confused. "You know our names?"
"'Course I do. Good mates, we were. Hopefully still are, just as soon as you remember it. I'll give it time, though. Where's the young master, then?"
"Arty? Gone to Chester. Mother's orders. Not a happy chappy, I can tell you that," Juliet responded.
The three standing around the doorway took a moment to imagine Artemis Fowl the Second as a happy chappy. An amused snort from Butler, extensive sniggering from the creature at the door, and gales of laughter from Juliet could be heard for the next minute.
"So, do you have a name?" Butler asked the creature, moving his sister gently to the side of the door to recover from her paroxysms of laughter.
"Mulch Diggums, at your service, Mud man," it replied, bowing low.
"And you are…" the body guard continued.
"A highly respectable dwarf, although many have debated the matter. I'm from Haven, the Lower Elements. Hobbies include stealing shiny things and running from international law enforcement agencies. Oh, and donating fat to those who suffer near-death experiences and require a bit of cosmetic surgery," the dwarf finished with a slight. Butler frowned.
"Juliet, have we ever met this guy? Dwarf?"
"He seems to smell familiar…" Juliet replied, before returning to giggling. Butler rolled his eyes.
"Look, Diggums, do we know you? How do you know about Master Fowl?"
"Ah, that'll be a long story if you haven't started to remember how it goes yet. Can I come in?" Mulch asked.
"One moment," said Juliet, who sprinted off down the hallway and returned a moment later with a bucket of water, which she proceeded to pour over the dwarf's head. Mulch protested heartily to this treatment, but soon gave up and attempted to shake himself dry on the porch.
"Sorry about that… but you know how it is. Stinky mutants and all that…" Juliet sniggered as the short creature entered, scowling.
::::In Haven::::
"Are those two recon officers online yet, pony?" growled Root over the telephone to the Ops Booth.
"Er, almost… we seem to be having a little trouble with the radio frequency – it keeps changing."
"We? Using the royal plural now, are we, pony? Or should I say, ponies? And are you telling me that you've sent two of my best officers off into a figurative ants' nest with faulty communications? I certainly hope you aren't, my horsy friends. For all of your sakes."
"Well they can't be faulty, I mean, I designed them. Has anything I ever made gone bung on you, Julius? Honestly?"
"You address me as Commander Root, and no, nothing you ever made has gone bung. Things you have designed, another matter entirely. These Folly Laboratories – what kind of technicians build the things? Anyway, no time for that now. You, my dear pony, are going to find my captains, and you are going to find them now. I neither know nor care how you do so, but you are going to tell me precisely where they are when I call back in five minutes or else your budget…"
"Say no more, Commander. I have a plan. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must get back to work," Foaly interrupted, trying desperately to think of some way to avert the overstressed elf's wrath.
"That's what I like to hear, Foaly," the commander replied, and hung up the phone.
Root wasn't really worried about Short and Kelp – they were both brilliant officers, and perfectly capable of scouting around to look for trouble. Still, it was always best to have a communication link to any member of the LEP leaving Police Plaza on duty, just in case. He pulled out a fungus cigar and chewed on it thoughtfully, wondering how Foaly was going to get in touch with them.
Meanwhile, Foaly was doing exactly the same thing, with the minor difference of chewing on a carrot instead of a foul cigar. And he was quite a bit more anxious than the commander was. It was true, he hadn't been supervising the production lines in Folly Laboratories nearly as much as he should have been, and he hadn't yet mentioned to Root that he had a co-proprietor, which accounted for the name 'Folly' rather than plain 'Foaly'.
This co-proprietor was a very secretive character, so much so that Foaly had never actually met him in person. They had had web-conferences with each other, and the other person had supposedly shown his face on a web-camera, but Foaly had reason to believe that it was a sim, due to the businessman's not-quite-real appearance.
Another thing that Root was not entirely aware of was the fact that the designs were not exclusively Foaly's. Foaly of course came up with the prototype and specifications, but sent the design to his colleague before it hit the production line. Perhaps that was where everything had gone wrong. He should have known better than to allow another, inevitably less brilliant, entity to change his designs. Now Holly and Trouble were off in the middle of Frond-knows-where without any communications. Smart one, pony-boy, he thought in exasperation.
::::Elsewhere in Haven::::
"You know what, Holly? I think you had something in that 'free fall' conspiracy theory of yours. My wings are really starting to screw up more than I'd like them to," called Captain Trouble Kelp, wobbling almost comically in the air. Holly snorted.
"Are you sure that isn't just your incompetence?"
This got Trouble's back up remarkably effectively. "I am not incompetent. I am perfectly capable of using normal wings that work!" he yelled.
Holly considered another impertinent retort to this, but the topic got her thinking. Her wings weren't as responsive as they should be, either. They hadn't given her any problems so far, but she could see what her colleague was on about. It struck her that perhaps Foaly had a few misconceptions about his brilliant new Folly Labs. At least, everything she had used from there so far had shown a few problematic effects. For instance, still no communications with Police Plaza.
"Trouble I think we should land, and see if we can get these comm sets to work. At least before we get to wherever we're supposed to be."
"Holly, honestly. If Foaly can't get them to work, do you really think we have a chance?"
"Yeah, but… I think we should give it a try. There might be some random setting or Frond-knows-what that we could fiddle with so that the pony can get through, or something, I don't know. Just a couple of minutes, we won't waste a whole lot of time…" Trouble shrugged and landed on the nearest rooftop clumsily. Holly, to her surprise, did likewise as she attempted to land.
"Whoa… well if the free fallers are screwing up the great Captain Short, then I guess it's okay to be a little ungainly," Trouble joked. Holly looked at him and rolled her eyes, grinning.
"Don't call them free fallers, Kelp. Might jinx them."
Trouble's eyes widened for a moment, then shook his head, saying, "Holly, Holly, Holly. Never picked you for a superstitious one. Just wait until the guys back at the Plaza hear about this."
"A nice time they'll have of hearing it if you're plastered all over the street," she retorted teasingly. "Now, what do you know about non-functional headsets?"
"Absolutely nothing," announced Trouble. Holly nodded in agreement. "Me too. Suppose we could do with a little Mud fellow about now," she added, jokingly, as she fiddled with the dials on her headset.
"Yeah, I heard he was pretty good with LEP stuff. Something about a cube…"
"Ah, yes. The Cube. It was quite an interesting sort of thing, not least the fact that he made it out of a few of Retrieval's helmets," Holly said reminiscently. "Did you ever hear the whole story of the Spiro thing?"
Trouble shook his head, and Holly began to tell it to him as they both fiddled with their headsets. About halfway through the story, Holly happened on a well-concealed dial upon which was written 'Frequency Regulator'. This was moving around, and Trouble pointed out that it was set to 'scan' mode.
"What frequencies does the LEP broadcast on?" he asked her.
"Not a clue," she replied, but put it on a random setting to see what was there. Artemis' 'luck of the Irish' must have rubbed off on her, because on that setting she heard Foaly's frantic voice calling for Captains Short and Kelp.
"Hi Foaly!" she chirped into the mike. "Thought you weren't talking to us or something."
The centaur sighed with relief. "Me, not talk to you? Never. I thought I'd lost you. Is Trouble there?"
"Course he is. Just trying to fix his headset, half a mo…" replied Holly as she found the dial on her fellow captain's comm set and set it to the same frequency as hers. Trouble soon had a functional headset and could talk to Foaly as well.
"So, my elfin friends. Anything interesting happened so far?" the centaur asked, the relieved tone still not gone from his voice.
"Not much. Well, we almost got fried by a short-sighted security guard, but we dealt with that okay, no problems. He blew up a billboard though," Trouble said, fiddling with the microphone on his set to make it pick up his voice better.
"Hey Foaly," Holly started hesitantly, "Have you got many people to try out these wings of ours?"
"Nope. Fresh off the production line, like I said. Why? Something wrong with them?"
Holly looked at Trouble, who shrugged and continued. "We aren't sure yet. They might just need a bit of, you know, breaking in. But they're definitely weird. I'm having a few problems, and even Holly's finding them…"
"Unresponsive?" Holly chimed in, not entirely sure if that was the right word but saying it anyway. "And shame on you for picking such an uninspiring name, too. Free fall? I ask you."
Foaly grunted. "I didn't pick that name. My… associate did. And he altered the design, too, which is probably why they take a bit of getting used to. Sorry about that. Have to speak to him."
"Your what? Foaly with an associate? That's a first," Holly exclaimed.
"And hopefully a last, too, if he's screwing up your designs," added Trouble.
The two elves heard the phone ringing on Foaly's end. "That will be our dear Commander," the centaur announced joyfully. "And if he asks how I got on line with you, it was my doing. Root's respect for my technical genius is somewhat diminished at them moment."
"Whatever you say, horse-man," muttered the elves as Foaly picked up the phone.
::::In Chester::::
Helen dropped the two teenagers off outside a highschool in Chester.
"Have a nice day, then, Jenny I hope you've done that assignment already. Bye."
Artemis looked at the school. It wasn't very impressive. Not compared to St Bartleby's, anyway. But still, he walked through the gate with some trepidation. No-one here knew anything about him, which would mean they would judge him on his physical appearance, which, as much as he hated to admit it, was hardly intimidating. What was more, there was no Butler. Even though Butler hadn't been allowed on the grounds at St Bartleby's, all the boys there had seen the huge fellow picking Artemis up and dropping him off. And they were fairly stupid, but not that dumb. Artemis had had very few problems with bullying at his last school. He wasn't so sure about this one.
"Come on Artemis," shouted Jenny as she ran past several bunches of people of mixed gender towards a group of girls who were calling to her. Artemis rolled his eyes and followed reluctantly.
"Guys, this is Artemis Fowl. He's a rich kid from Ireland who my mum decided to invite here for some reason. Artemis I think it's time you showed off your brilliant social skills to my friends – tell them about yourself."
"Good morning, mesdames. As your friend has told you, my name is Artemis Fowl, and I am, as she said, a 'rich kid'. However, I think we should clarify the term 'rich kid' when used with reference to me. My family is…"
And something made him stop and think. Did he really want them to know his family was probably the richest in Ireland, probably one of the richest in the world? Did they really need to know that? From several years of studying psychology, he had learnt that adolescents were more likely to respect a peer rather than a superior. And anyway, from what his father had said, perhaps it would indeed be wiser not to draw too much attention to himself.
"Yes? What is your family, Artemis Fowl?" asked a girl whose name he didn't know, in what he thought to be an unnecessarily aggressive manner.
"My family is… not particularly wealthy. And none of your concern. Anyway…"
Artemis was interrupted by another girl, this one wearing her uniform in a way he was sure it was never meant to be worn. Nevertheless, she almost pulled it off, if you were into the 'skanky schoolgirl' look, he thought, trying to mask his look of disgust with a cough.
"If your family is so normal, then how come you have Armani shoes, tailored pants, and a fresh manicure?"
What an annoying girl, he thought. She's observant, granted, but openly asking a person if the identity they have just provided is true is terribly bad form.
"I take a degree of pride in my appearance, unlike some people, and it does not take boundless wealth to do so."
Jenny hurriedly changed the subject.
"What lesson do we have first, guys?"
"Maths, isn't it?" suggested the aggressive one.
"Nah, science," replied another girl who had not yet spoken.
"How the hell did you know that, Anna?" exclaimed one of Jenny's friends. Anna laughed.
"Nicked Jenny's timetable. You never know, that could have been why she asked us…"
Artemis raised an eyebrow at this sarcasm, noting that he could have competition in that field.
"Science implies physics, I imagine?" he asked Jenny, who nodded. "Did you go over that discussion last night?" he asked, a hint of vampire smile manifesting itself on his face.
"Uh, yeah, I glanced at it…" the girl replied distractedly.
"Was it to your satisfaction?" he continued. She nodded, trying to find it in her bag. It emerged, miraculously devoid of plant matter. Artemis hoped that the teacher would mark it during the lesson.
The bell rang, and Artemis followed his host student to her science class, as he had been instructed. He arranged his features to convey to even the most unevolved mollusc that he was dreadfully bored, and greeted the teacher in this way. She gave him a somewhat frightened look and then proceeded to ignore him, as the principal had not yet informed her that the boy would be joining her class. About twenty minutes after the bell had ring, most of the class had arrived and she began the lesson.
"Today, class, we shall be looking at some proper scientific papers written by the noted Emmsey Squire. There is a comprehension based on the article at the front of the booklet which you may or may not find on your desk. In the event that you do not find it on your desk, please see me and I shall give you one. Jennifer, please see me. Hurry up class; what you don't finish in this lesson will be homework."
Artemis groaned as he saw the article in front of him. He had written it when he was nine, and was now rather embarrassed about it. Of all the ghastly things this stupid teacher could have chosen to teach them…
He watched Jenny walk up to the teacher's desk and hand over the assignment. The girl then returned and sat at the desk next to his, the only one left. How she had managed to be twenty minutes late even after he had followed her into the class when the bell went astounded him, and he resolved to pay more attention in future.
"What were you saying about this Squire fellow last night?" she asked him.
"I am he, Jennifer. He is I. And I wrote this ridiculous thing when I was nine. Don't tell anyone, though," Artemis replied bitterly.
Jenny stared at him, then looked at the article before her. She could, in truth, understand quite a few more of the words in this one than in the other paper she had seen the previous night, but it was still amazingly complicated. She looked back at him, and shook her head.
"Now what are the chances of that," she said.
"Jennifer, could you please come here," the teacher called over the noisy class. The girl frowned, got up and walked over to her teacher's desk, wondering what the woman wanted.
"You seem to have a few… er… typographical errors, here in your discussion," was what Artemis could hear of the conversation.
"I do?" Jenny replied uncertainly. The vampire smile came out again. It widened as Jenny read the assignment and shot a malevolent look at him.
"I'll… fix these," the girl said, choked with rage as she took the assignment and turned away from the teacher toward her desk. Artemis didn't even bother to stop smiling (vampirically, of course. Vampirically? Anyway, you understand...). He wondered what kind of ill-thought-out revenge the girl would attempt upon him this time.
Now, my preciousssssssss, we wonders what Jennykins is going to do to Artykins, doesn't we? Yesssss... and we wonders what we will write next for the story too, doesn't we... ah... we means, we have planned this story well and has it all prepared... yessss... we has fooled them, haven't we, precioussss...
Ahem. Anyway, if we... I... haven't scared you off yet, please review if you can be bothered. I do so love receiving reviews. Even oh-so-funny flames, although I'm sure merciless critic will soon take care of that... sniggers... anyway. If you don't know what I'm talking about, read my reviews of Undignified Situation. So yes... even the slightest problem I will try to take note of, but I won't know about it if you don't tell me, so please do.