Standard disclaimers apply.
HakkaixSanzoxHakkai.
****
We're on our way again. The rain had died down after a long two days. But the incident on the first night remains fresh on my mind. It kept replaying itself in my head.
I asked him to go away. He silently acquiesced, but he didn't move. His eyes were so full of emotion. Filled with pain, and something else that I couldn't identify. Was the pain for Kanan? I wished fervently it wasn't, but if it wasn't, whom could it be for. The only person you ever loved was Kanan, but she killed herself, and you tortured yourself with memories of her.
Hakkai, don't be so stupid. Move on. Find someone else; find me.
I wondered if for that moment when you looked into my eyes, you could look into me. With my feelings so close to the surface, I wondered if you knew I loved you.
I sigh mentally. Here I am, berating you for living in the past, when I myself do exactly that. I still can't forget how I let the only person I cared about die. My master. Damn. Now I don't even need the rain to make my thoughts run wild.
With your beautiful forest gaze, your wondrous mahogany locks, your ethereal smile, your graceful long limbs, you entice me, captivate me, and mesmerize me. I wish I could tell you, as always, but I fear. Not only the risk of alienation from you. But I fear that, if the youkais after us found out about my feelings for you. They'd use you as my weakness. They'd know that it'd be more hurting if they managed to hurt you than if they attacked me. I can't let them hurt you because I love you too much. To let you know I love you, and to be unable to protect you might put you in so much danger. I can't tell you, no matter how much I love you.
I'm feeling so distracted lately. I can't seem to think straight, all that's on my mind, is you. You fill my mind, my heart, my soul. You're all I need, all I want; so close, yet so far; my unattainable dream. Do you love me? Do I want you to? Or do I want to live in this abyss of love forever?
You always look ahead at the road. Looking ahead. Towards what? Our future? The day when we reach Tenjiku, we might all lose our lives. I don't intend to, but it's still a possibility. Or if we live past it, where do we go? Will you leave with Gojyo, back to the bare floored shack that is Gojyo's house? Do I go back to the temple? I don't want to think about something which I have no answers for. Just live in the moment. Live for the moment. Carpe diem. Seize the day. Any day with you is a lovely day to me.
****
I drive Hakuryuu to the next town again. I feel your eyes on me again. I wonder what you think about again. I hope it's about me again.
I feel like our days go round in cycles. We do the same things. See youkais, fight youkais, kill youkais, travel west, stop when it rains, kill more youkais, and travel west again. Despite its monotony, I feel a sense of security. Nothing out of the ordinary can happen; nothing can hurt us. Nothing will change; no one will leave. Mainly, you will not leave me.
Sanzo, I wish we could spend everyday like this, living together, spending so much time together. I'm so used to seeing you everyday, having you by my side, sitting together, talking to you. I wish life would be so simple. I wish.
Could you be loving me silently right now too? That rainy night, that unguarded moment, the raw emotions struggling to surface. I saw so many emotions, and I still can't interpret them. Too many, all at a time. You're always hiding everything behind that icy façade of yours, but that's what I like about you, your outward frostiness. And inside the cold demeanor, lies a warm passionate creature waiting to be unleashed. I laugh. That was an exaggeration, albeit a funny one.
These days I welcome sleep. It's an escape from reality. It's only in sleep, in dreams where I can be with you. Where all my fantasies can become reality, where I can hold you till I die. With the passing of each day, I find my glimmer of hope dimming, the hope of us getting together.
Sanzo. Do you love me? That question has been on my lips for the longest time. I want to ask you, but each time, I hold myself back. I'm still afraid. Do I really want to know? Will I be able to take it when I get a negative response? Will I be able to accept rejection? Or will I crumble under the emotional tumult of it all?
I think, I have to ask you. I think I have to tell you of my feelings. I can't bear this loneliness in my heart any longer. It's eating me alive. Sanzo, don't refuse me. Please don't.
****
Four more days have passed. We've finally reached the next town. Thankfully, there are two rooms available. I might finally be getting the privacy I need to tell you of my feelings after all.
"I'll sleep with Hakkai!" Goku exclaimed. "Goyjo teases me all night, I'll never be able to sleep. And Sanzo always bullies me. He makes me sleep on the futon! I want a bed!"
"No you don't!" Gojyo retorted. "I don't want to sleep with the monk either! Are you stupid you idiotic monkey!"
And so, their argument went on. My hopes dimmed again. I might not get to room with Sanzo after all. There goes my plan. Sigh.
Then, "Shut up. I'm sleeping with Hakkai. You idiots sleep together, or you'll deprive me AND Hakkai of any decent sleep." Came a sturdy voice that brooked no arguments. "Because I pay! I hope you kill each other in your sleep!" Sanzo added without hesitation.
I smiled, and quickly said, "Well, looks like it's all settled. I'll sleep with Sanzo tonight." I didn't want to give them any chance to change Sanzo's mind. I wanted this. I need to tell Sanzo how I feel before I go crazy from keeping it all in me. I need Sanzo so badly.
There, I admitted my obsession, my infatuation, my love, or whatever you may call it.
****
Hakkai seems quite eager to room with me tonight. I wonder why. No matter the reason, I'm glad that he agreed to sleep with me. "SLEEP WITH ME". That sounded totally wrong. Yet, strangely arousing. Shit. I curse myself. It's just an innocent statement, why do I have to interpret it in such a horny way. Damn it. Thoughts of Hakkai are getting me all flustered inside.
I hope there's a hidden reason behind his quick agreement to sleep with me tonight. I hope he might try something else. Possibly a declaration. Possibly anything else. Anything but what he usually does. Fuck. No. If he does try anything, I have to stop him. I can't lose him.
I can't lose him. I can't lose him. I can't lose him. I drive that message into my head. I absolutely cannot lose Hakkai. No way.
****
To Be Continued.
A/N: This update sucks. It's a little bit of a filler scene. My inspiration's flagging. Been having some exams (SAT and GCE Chinese) these two weeks. Updates would be slower. :/
HakkaixSanzoxHakkai.
****
We're on our way again. The rain had died down after a long two days. But the incident on the first night remains fresh on my mind. It kept replaying itself in my head.
I asked him to go away. He silently acquiesced, but he didn't move. His eyes were so full of emotion. Filled with pain, and something else that I couldn't identify. Was the pain for Kanan? I wished fervently it wasn't, but if it wasn't, whom could it be for. The only person you ever loved was Kanan, but she killed herself, and you tortured yourself with memories of her.
Hakkai, don't be so stupid. Move on. Find someone else; find me.
I wondered if for that moment when you looked into my eyes, you could look into me. With my feelings so close to the surface, I wondered if you knew I loved you.
I sigh mentally. Here I am, berating you for living in the past, when I myself do exactly that. I still can't forget how I let the only person I cared about die. My master. Damn. Now I don't even need the rain to make my thoughts run wild.
With your beautiful forest gaze, your wondrous mahogany locks, your ethereal smile, your graceful long limbs, you entice me, captivate me, and mesmerize me. I wish I could tell you, as always, but I fear. Not only the risk of alienation from you. But I fear that, if the youkais after us found out about my feelings for you. They'd use you as my weakness. They'd know that it'd be more hurting if they managed to hurt you than if they attacked me. I can't let them hurt you because I love you too much. To let you know I love you, and to be unable to protect you might put you in so much danger. I can't tell you, no matter how much I love you.
I'm feeling so distracted lately. I can't seem to think straight, all that's on my mind, is you. You fill my mind, my heart, my soul. You're all I need, all I want; so close, yet so far; my unattainable dream. Do you love me? Do I want you to? Or do I want to live in this abyss of love forever?
You always look ahead at the road. Looking ahead. Towards what? Our future? The day when we reach Tenjiku, we might all lose our lives. I don't intend to, but it's still a possibility. Or if we live past it, where do we go? Will you leave with Gojyo, back to the bare floored shack that is Gojyo's house? Do I go back to the temple? I don't want to think about something which I have no answers for. Just live in the moment. Live for the moment. Carpe diem. Seize the day. Any day with you is a lovely day to me.
****
I drive Hakuryuu to the next town again. I feel your eyes on me again. I wonder what you think about again. I hope it's about me again.
I feel like our days go round in cycles. We do the same things. See youkais, fight youkais, kill youkais, travel west, stop when it rains, kill more youkais, and travel west again. Despite its monotony, I feel a sense of security. Nothing out of the ordinary can happen; nothing can hurt us. Nothing will change; no one will leave. Mainly, you will not leave me.
Sanzo, I wish we could spend everyday like this, living together, spending so much time together. I'm so used to seeing you everyday, having you by my side, sitting together, talking to you. I wish life would be so simple. I wish.
Could you be loving me silently right now too? That rainy night, that unguarded moment, the raw emotions struggling to surface. I saw so many emotions, and I still can't interpret them. Too many, all at a time. You're always hiding everything behind that icy façade of yours, but that's what I like about you, your outward frostiness. And inside the cold demeanor, lies a warm passionate creature waiting to be unleashed. I laugh. That was an exaggeration, albeit a funny one.
These days I welcome sleep. It's an escape from reality. It's only in sleep, in dreams where I can be with you. Where all my fantasies can become reality, where I can hold you till I die. With the passing of each day, I find my glimmer of hope dimming, the hope of us getting together.
Sanzo. Do you love me? That question has been on my lips for the longest time. I want to ask you, but each time, I hold myself back. I'm still afraid. Do I really want to know? Will I be able to take it when I get a negative response? Will I be able to accept rejection? Or will I crumble under the emotional tumult of it all?
I think, I have to ask you. I think I have to tell you of my feelings. I can't bear this loneliness in my heart any longer. It's eating me alive. Sanzo, don't refuse me. Please don't.
****
Four more days have passed. We've finally reached the next town. Thankfully, there are two rooms available. I might finally be getting the privacy I need to tell you of my feelings after all.
"I'll sleep with Hakkai!" Goku exclaimed. "Goyjo teases me all night, I'll never be able to sleep. And Sanzo always bullies me. He makes me sleep on the futon! I want a bed!"
"No you don't!" Gojyo retorted. "I don't want to sleep with the monk either! Are you stupid you idiotic monkey!"
And so, their argument went on. My hopes dimmed again. I might not get to room with Sanzo after all. There goes my plan. Sigh.
Then, "Shut up. I'm sleeping with Hakkai. You idiots sleep together, or you'll deprive me AND Hakkai of any decent sleep." Came a sturdy voice that brooked no arguments. "Because I pay! I hope you kill each other in your sleep!" Sanzo added without hesitation.
I smiled, and quickly said, "Well, looks like it's all settled. I'll sleep with Sanzo tonight." I didn't want to give them any chance to change Sanzo's mind. I wanted this. I need to tell Sanzo how I feel before I go crazy from keeping it all in me. I need Sanzo so badly.
There, I admitted my obsession, my infatuation, my love, or whatever you may call it.
****
Hakkai seems quite eager to room with me tonight. I wonder why. No matter the reason, I'm glad that he agreed to sleep with me. "SLEEP WITH ME". That sounded totally wrong. Yet, strangely arousing. Shit. I curse myself. It's just an innocent statement, why do I have to interpret it in such a horny way. Damn it. Thoughts of Hakkai are getting me all flustered inside.
I hope there's a hidden reason behind his quick agreement to sleep with me tonight. I hope he might try something else. Possibly a declaration. Possibly anything else. Anything but what he usually does. Fuck. No. If he does try anything, I have to stop him. I can't lose him.
I can't lose him. I can't lose him. I can't lose him. I drive that message into my head. I absolutely cannot lose Hakkai. No way.
****
To Be Continued.
A/N: This update sucks. It's a little bit of a filler scene. My inspiration's flagging. Been having some exams (SAT and GCE Chinese) these two weeks. Updates would be slower. :/