Standard disclaimers apply.
HakkaixSanzoxHakkai.
****
"Yes," I heard Hakkai breathe into my ear, as he trailed his tongue along my earlobe; his hands roaming all over me. I couldn't help but shudder from the sheer pleasure. It was as if he knew what I was thinking, or rather, what the inner voice was chanting, and was telling me to give in to my emotions, instead of my sense of reason, to give in to him.
I wanted to capitulate, wanted to forget all my logical thoughts, and simply concentrate on what Hakkai was making me feel, I wanted to live in this reality where my dreams were coming true, my dreams of us. I wanted to be with Hakkai, spend my nights with him, and wake up with his arms around me. I wanted my dreams to last forever, I wanted it to be so true so badly, that when it finally did, I didn't know what to say, or do. I love Hakkai so much. Love is supposed to be selfless, so I should not do this, to expose Hakkai, to leave him vulnerable and open to attacks. It's not that I don't trust him; I don't trust the devious schemes youkais come up with. But I'm selfish, so selfish. Damn.
No. Logic again. Yes. Love again. No. Reason again. Yes. Passion again.
I can't decide. I don't know what I want. No, I know what I want, but I'm afraid of what'll happen if I reach for it. Sigh.
Could I, take a step into my dream? Enjoy each moment; live in each moment, love in each moment? And, quietly, walk out of it, like I was never there? Could I just let tonight happen, and could I walk away tomorrow? It is not fair to Hakkai, I'd just hurt him more. I really don't know what to do. If I reject him now, he'd be hurt; if I love him back, he'd be hurt; if I love him tonight, and slip away tomorrow, he'd be hurt. I can't bear to see him in pain. I hate this dilemma. Hakkai, if only you never told me how you felt, if only you'd keep it inside you, like you did. Sigh. But if you kept your feelings secret, I would want you to tell it to me. Damn it. What do I do? What should I do?
Reason is slowly deserting me, as I feel passion overcoming me. As I feel you, your skin, your lips, I feel love. Then I knew, that I could never let you be harmed. If I give in tonight, your life might be at risk. The youkai would attack you, as a form of attacking me. If I reject you, your hurt would only be on an emotional level. You'd still live, you'd forget in time. It hurt to think of that, but it would be the best way out. To love, does not mean to possess.
I pull away from his embrace, and forced his passion glazed eyes to meet mine, and I said, "Hakkai, no, stop."
****
No? Stop? Your words barely register in my mind. I continue my perusal of your body, and then it hit me. No. Stop.
These words were different from the first "no" I heard. This held finality. Why no? I kept thinking to myself, as I felt rejected, unwanted, unloved. But I still had to know, so, I asked, "why?"
"No reason."
"There must be one, why?"
"No reason." You repeated again, and averted your eyes from mine.
"Why? Sanzo, why?"
"I don't love you. I don't feel the same as you. I don't want this. I don't want you."
I was stunned by your words, yet I knew I brought it upon myself. You did not want to tell me, but I forced it out of you. Your words cut me like a knife, I had given you my heart on a silver platter, but you took it, flung it out of the window. But it felt much worse than that. It felt like my world was falling apart. Of course it'd fall apart I chided myself. You are my world. I live to see your face each day. Each glance, each movement, each and everything about you, makes me love you even more.
I was afraid of rejection. I had even prepared myself for rejection. But all the preparation in the world couldn't prepare me for your rejection. The cold harsh words, YOUR cold harsh words. "I don't love you.", "I don't want you." They are permanently etched in my memory. I didn't know what to reply, and you saved me from having to think of a reply by saying that you're going out for a drink. Said that I shouldn't wait for you. And, you faced the other way, set your clothes in order, brushed a long slender hand through those tousled blond strands, and walked right out of the door. Out of my life. Forever.
At this point, all my strength left me; I lay crumpled on the bed. Tears that have only been threatening to spill now flowed freely from my eyes.
Somehow. I didn't blame you. I blamed myself. For my rash actions, for my ridiculous declaration. I wanted to hate you to make this easier for me, but I can't. I love you too much.
****
I was breaking inside when I told you that I didn't love you. I could barely get the words out. To tell you that I don't love or want you, when all I ever wanted, was to love and cherish him, with all my heart, for all my life. I wish I could tell him that I love him, want him, need him.
I couldn't look at him when I told him that I did not reciprocate his feelings. How could I, when the pain felt so evident in my gaze. I had sneaked a peek at him, and what I saw, shattered my already broken heart. I regretted what I said. I regretted it so much. Damn. If I could, I'd take it all back. I. I. I don't know. Unable to sit on the same bed as you, unable to share this close proximity without holding you like I'd never let go, kissing away all your tears, and retracting all my words, telling you how I truly feel, I chose to leave. I walked away from you. Walked away from the only person I truly loved, the one person who gave me his heart, and I tossed it away, the only person I would ever love. I walked away from it all, from all my hopes and dreams.
I walked till I was out of the hotel, before my legs gave way, and I fell in an ungraceful heap on the stairs. Crying silent tears, crying invisible tears. Hakkai. If only you knew why I did this. If only you didn't have to hurt. If only..
****
To Be Continued.
I'm supposed to be studying. but I think I won't in the end. So, it's a fast update. =) I don't like Microsoft word. Smileys don't come out the way they should. :/ thanks to all reviewers again!
HakkaixSanzoxHakkai.
****
"Yes," I heard Hakkai breathe into my ear, as he trailed his tongue along my earlobe; his hands roaming all over me. I couldn't help but shudder from the sheer pleasure. It was as if he knew what I was thinking, or rather, what the inner voice was chanting, and was telling me to give in to my emotions, instead of my sense of reason, to give in to him.
I wanted to capitulate, wanted to forget all my logical thoughts, and simply concentrate on what Hakkai was making me feel, I wanted to live in this reality where my dreams were coming true, my dreams of us. I wanted to be with Hakkai, spend my nights with him, and wake up with his arms around me. I wanted my dreams to last forever, I wanted it to be so true so badly, that when it finally did, I didn't know what to say, or do. I love Hakkai so much. Love is supposed to be selfless, so I should not do this, to expose Hakkai, to leave him vulnerable and open to attacks. It's not that I don't trust him; I don't trust the devious schemes youkais come up with. But I'm selfish, so selfish. Damn.
No. Logic again. Yes. Love again. No. Reason again. Yes. Passion again.
I can't decide. I don't know what I want. No, I know what I want, but I'm afraid of what'll happen if I reach for it. Sigh.
Could I, take a step into my dream? Enjoy each moment; live in each moment, love in each moment? And, quietly, walk out of it, like I was never there? Could I just let tonight happen, and could I walk away tomorrow? It is not fair to Hakkai, I'd just hurt him more. I really don't know what to do. If I reject him now, he'd be hurt; if I love him back, he'd be hurt; if I love him tonight, and slip away tomorrow, he'd be hurt. I can't bear to see him in pain. I hate this dilemma. Hakkai, if only you never told me how you felt, if only you'd keep it inside you, like you did. Sigh. But if you kept your feelings secret, I would want you to tell it to me. Damn it. What do I do? What should I do?
Reason is slowly deserting me, as I feel passion overcoming me. As I feel you, your skin, your lips, I feel love. Then I knew, that I could never let you be harmed. If I give in tonight, your life might be at risk. The youkai would attack you, as a form of attacking me. If I reject you, your hurt would only be on an emotional level. You'd still live, you'd forget in time. It hurt to think of that, but it would be the best way out. To love, does not mean to possess.
I pull away from his embrace, and forced his passion glazed eyes to meet mine, and I said, "Hakkai, no, stop."
****
No? Stop? Your words barely register in my mind. I continue my perusal of your body, and then it hit me. No. Stop.
These words were different from the first "no" I heard. This held finality. Why no? I kept thinking to myself, as I felt rejected, unwanted, unloved. But I still had to know, so, I asked, "why?"
"No reason."
"There must be one, why?"
"No reason." You repeated again, and averted your eyes from mine.
"Why? Sanzo, why?"
"I don't love you. I don't feel the same as you. I don't want this. I don't want you."
I was stunned by your words, yet I knew I brought it upon myself. You did not want to tell me, but I forced it out of you. Your words cut me like a knife, I had given you my heart on a silver platter, but you took it, flung it out of the window. But it felt much worse than that. It felt like my world was falling apart. Of course it'd fall apart I chided myself. You are my world. I live to see your face each day. Each glance, each movement, each and everything about you, makes me love you even more.
I was afraid of rejection. I had even prepared myself for rejection. But all the preparation in the world couldn't prepare me for your rejection. The cold harsh words, YOUR cold harsh words. "I don't love you.", "I don't want you." They are permanently etched in my memory. I didn't know what to reply, and you saved me from having to think of a reply by saying that you're going out for a drink. Said that I shouldn't wait for you. And, you faced the other way, set your clothes in order, brushed a long slender hand through those tousled blond strands, and walked right out of the door. Out of my life. Forever.
At this point, all my strength left me; I lay crumpled on the bed. Tears that have only been threatening to spill now flowed freely from my eyes.
Somehow. I didn't blame you. I blamed myself. For my rash actions, for my ridiculous declaration. I wanted to hate you to make this easier for me, but I can't. I love you too much.
****
I was breaking inside when I told you that I didn't love you. I could barely get the words out. To tell you that I don't love or want you, when all I ever wanted, was to love and cherish him, with all my heart, for all my life. I wish I could tell him that I love him, want him, need him.
I couldn't look at him when I told him that I did not reciprocate his feelings. How could I, when the pain felt so evident in my gaze. I had sneaked a peek at him, and what I saw, shattered my already broken heart. I regretted what I said. I regretted it so much. Damn. If I could, I'd take it all back. I. I. I don't know. Unable to sit on the same bed as you, unable to share this close proximity without holding you like I'd never let go, kissing away all your tears, and retracting all my words, telling you how I truly feel, I chose to leave. I walked away from you. Walked away from the only person I truly loved, the one person who gave me his heart, and I tossed it away, the only person I would ever love. I walked away from it all, from all my hopes and dreams.
I walked till I was out of the hotel, before my legs gave way, and I fell in an ungraceful heap on the stairs. Crying silent tears, crying invisible tears. Hakkai. If only you knew why I did this. If only you didn't have to hurt. If only..
****
To Be Continued.
I'm supposed to be studying. but I think I won't in the end. So, it's a fast update. =) I don't like Microsoft word. Smileys don't come out the way they should. :/ thanks to all reviewers again!