Standard disclaimers apply.
HakkaixSanzoxHakkai.
****
Sanzo didn't return to our room yesterday, which meant he spent his whole night out. I don't want to think of where he was at, what he did. I don't want to think of him, period. I embarrassed myself in front of him. Totally. I exposed my vulnerable side, and I told him of my love, only to have him scorn it. Scorn me.
Gojyo and Goku are asking me where he is. They always look to me for askance on where Sanzo is. I always go up to call him down, or I'd know where he was. But today. Goku can't wait to eat the breakfast. I told him to go ahead first. Sanzo would come to eat when he wanted to. Goku hesitated for a while, and asked me to keep some food for Sanzo, and he plunged into the mounds of food placed on our table.
I saw Gojyo giving me a weird look. I simply gave him a smile. And proceeded to eat. I think Gojyo knows about Sanzo and I. I had to pause myself in mid-thought. There is no "Sanzo and I", there never was, and never will be. Gojyo might think that he knows, but he is wrong.
I cannot deny that I'm still so torn up over last night. But I still keep up my appearances. I try to act normal. Thankfully, Sanzo isn't here. I don't think that I'd be able to keep my tears from falling if he were here. Despite all that he had said to me, his scorn, his rejection, I still love him. I am trying to forget, I'm trying to not let my emotions get in over my head. I don't want to love him; I don't want to love a man who won't love me in return. I don't want to hurt myself knowingly, and intentionally. I don't know how will I continue in this journey. Should I leave? Or should I stay? I don't know. I can't bear to face Sanzo anymore, I can't bring myself to sit next to him in the jeep, I can't bring myself to fight alongside him; knowing that he is right next to me, yet I can't get to him, can't love him, knowing that he doesn't feel the same.
I don't know. I don't want to think anymore. I can already feel the tears brimming. I bend my head lower to eat, to hide my sorrow.
****
I wake up, found myself slouched over the bar top, with the first rays of the morning sun shining through. I went to get myself a drink after I left the inn. No, it was more of drinks. I must have gotten drunk. I downed shots of vodka, cups of beer and rum, and whatever else the bar had. I wanted to use the drink to forget. Forget what I did to Hakkai. How I hurt him, how my words cut him. Damn. I hate it. I hate myself. To top it all off, to add unto all these shit, I had to have a bloody hangover. Stupid alcohol. Stupid after-effects.
I got up as slowly, and as steadily as I could, careful to move my head around too much, in case I might aggravate this fucked headache of mine. And just as slowly and surely I walked back to the hotel. It was surprisingly nearby, yet, when I made that journey yesterday, it felt like there were miles between the bar, and the inn. I reached the inn, walked to our room. Funny how just hours ago, "our room" would've sounded so right, now, it just sounded so foreign, so wrong to me. I walked in. you were asleep. You had cried yourself to sleep. Your tear stained face, devoid of any emotion in sleep, could still convey such sadness. Sigh. I gingerly touched strands of mahogany, a warm wave of melancholy washed over me. Other stronger waves of emotion followed suit. Pain. Sorrow. Agony. I had lost you. I could have held your love in my hands, protecting it, cherishing it. But instead, I threw it away. By doing so, I not only succeeded in breaking your heart, in the process, I broke mine too. The tumult of emotions going through me now was driving me insane. I loved you so much, that I ended up hurting you. I hated myself with a vengeance, because I was so stupid, to have hurt you. I hated myself simply for hurting you. I could never forgive anyone who hurt you, including myself. I don't know what am I going to do. I don't know. And I don't want to think.
I belatedly realized that you might wake soon. I slipped out of the room as quietly as I had slipped in. I went out of the inn, and waited outside a window. I had a clear view of the whole inn. I waited, for you to have breakfast. I wanted to talk to you, to see more of you, but I was afraid that you might be too upset, too broken up over last night., so I chose to watch you from afar. Then, maybe you'd be able to get back to normal faster. By leaving you alone, I hoped that you'd be better off. In the meantime, I'd watch over you. I'd never let anyone hurt you again. Damn. I hate myself so much.
You come down. Gojyo and Goku came down. You all sit around, waiting for me, waiting in vain. Then there were some bits of conversation that I couldn't hear; and I saw the three of you eating, in more silence than usual. You were eating; head lower than usual, as though you were hiding something. I really hoped that you were not trying to mask your hurt, your tears. I hated to know that I had made you cry. I wish you didn't love me so much. I wish, you didn't love me at all.
Looking at you, you face, paler, more drawn than usual. It pained me so much. I had caused this. I hated myself. More than ever.
****
To Be Continued.
To Hakkai-san, and anyone else who might not know why Sanzo is behaving like that.
Sanzo is afraid that if the youkais, mainly strong enemies like Kougaiji etc. know how much Hakkai means to him, they would try and get his sutras through hurting Hakkai, or worse, the crazier youkais might make attempts on Hakkai's life as they would know that by hurting Hakkai, Sanzo would feel more pain, hurt than if they attacked his own person. So in order to prevent them from causing bodily harm to Hakkai, Sanzo'd rather not let Hakkai know of his feelings, and in that way, he thinks he is protecting Hakkai.
Is it clear enough?? Sorry if it wasn't really clear. Umm. I changed the word "hotel" in Chapter 5 to "inn" in Chapter 6. because "inn" is a better word right?
HakkaixSanzoxHakkai.
****
Sanzo didn't return to our room yesterday, which meant he spent his whole night out. I don't want to think of where he was at, what he did. I don't want to think of him, period. I embarrassed myself in front of him. Totally. I exposed my vulnerable side, and I told him of my love, only to have him scorn it. Scorn me.
Gojyo and Goku are asking me where he is. They always look to me for askance on where Sanzo is. I always go up to call him down, or I'd know where he was. But today. Goku can't wait to eat the breakfast. I told him to go ahead first. Sanzo would come to eat when he wanted to. Goku hesitated for a while, and asked me to keep some food for Sanzo, and he plunged into the mounds of food placed on our table.
I saw Gojyo giving me a weird look. I simply gave him a smile. And proceeded to eat. I think Gojyo knows about Sanzo and I. I had to pause myself in mid-thought. There is no "Sanzo and I", there never was, and never will be. Gojyo might think that he knows, but he is wrong.
I cannot deny that I'm still so torn up over last night. But I still keep up my appearances. I try to act normal. Thankfully, Sanzo isn't here. I don't think that I'd be able to keep my tears from falling if he were here. Despite all that he had said to me, his scorn, his rejection, I still love him. I am trying to forget, I'm trying to not let my emotions get in over my head. I don't want to love him; I don't want to love a man who won't love me in return. I don't want to hurt myself knowingly, and intentionally. I don't know how will I continue in this journey. Should I leave? Or should I stay? I don't know. I can't bear to face Sanzo anymore, I can't bring myself to sit next to him in the jeep, I can't bring myself to fight alongside him; knowing that he is right next to me, yet I can't get to him, can't love him, knowing that he doesn't feel the same.
I don't know. I don't want to think anymore. I can already feel the tears brimming. I bend my head lower to eat, to hide my sorrow.
****
I wake up, found myself slouched over the bar top, with the first rays of the morning sun shining through. I went to get myself a drink after I left the inn. No, it was more of drinks. I must have gotten drunk. I downed shots of vodka, cups of beer and rum, and whatever else the bar had. I wanted to use the drink to forget. Forget what I did to Hakkai. How I hurt him, how my words cut him. Damn. I hate it. I hate myself. To top it all off, to add unto all these shit, I had to have a bloody hangover. Stupid alcohol. Stupid after-effects.
I got up as slowly, and as steadily as I could, careful to move my head around too much, in case I might aggravate this fucked headache of mine. And just as slowly and surely I walked back to the hotel. It was surprisingly nearby, yet, when I made that journey yesterday, it felt like there were miles between the bar, and the inn. I reached the inn, walked to our room. Funny how just hours ago, "our room" would've sounded so right, now, it just sounded so foreign, so wrong to me. I walked in. you were asleep. You had cried yourself to sleep. Your tear stained face, devoid of any emotion in sleep, could still convey such sadness. Sigh. I gingerly touched strands of mahogany, a warm wave of melancholy washed over me. Other stronger waves of emotion followed suit. Pain. Sorrow. Agony. I had lost you. I could have held your love in my hands, protecting it, cherishing it. But instead, I threw it away. By doing so, I not only succeeded in breaking your heart, in the process, I broke mine too. The tumult of emotions going through me now was driving me insane. I loved you so much, that I ended up hurting you. I hated myself with a vengeance, because I was so stupid, to have hurt you. I hated myself simply for hurting you. I could never forgive anyone who hurt you, including myself. I don't know what am I going to do. I don't know. And I don't want to think.
I belatedly realized that you might wake soon. I slipped out of the room as quietly as I had slipped in. I went out of the inn, and waited outside a window. I had a clear view of the whole inn. I waited, for you to have breakfast. I wanted to talk to you, to see more of you, but I was afraid that you might be too upset, too broken up over last night., so I chose to watch you from afar. Then, maybe you'd be able to get back to normal faster. By leaving you alone, I hoped that you'd be better off. In the meantime, I'd watch over you. I'd never let anyone hurt you again. Damn. I hate myself so much.
You come down. Gojyo and Goku came down. You all sit around, waiting for me, waiting in vain. Then there were some bits of conversation that I couldn't hear; and I saw the three of you eating, in more silence than usual. You were eating; head lower than usual, as though you were hiding something. I really hoped that you were not trying to mask your hurt, your tears. I hated to know that I had made you cry. I wish you didn't love me so much. I wish, you didn't love me at all.
Looking at you, you face, paler, more drawn than usual. It pained me so much. I had caused this. I hated myself. More than ever.
****
To Be Continued.
To Hakkai-san, and anyone else who might not know why Sanzo is behaving like that.
Sanzo is afraid that if the youkais, mainly strong enemies like Kougaiji etc. know how much Hakkai means to him, they would try and get his sutras through hurting Hakkai, or worse, the crazier youkais might make attempts on Hakkai's life as they would know that by hurting Hakkai, Sanzo would feel more pain, hurt than if they attacked his own person. So in order to prevent them from causing bodily harm to Hakkai, Sanzo'd rather not let Hakkai know of his feelings, and in that way, he thinks he is protecting Hakkai.
Is it clear enough?? Sorry if it wasn't really clear. Umm. I changed the word "hotel" in Chapter 5 to "inn" in Chapter 6. because "inn" is a better word right?