Standard disclaimers apply.

HakkaixSanzoxHakkai.

It's been a week since he confessed his love for me. It's been a week since I lied and said that I did not love him. It's been a week since I saw him lying in bed, his heartbreakingly beautiful face tear streaked. I know he does not deserve to be hurt thusly, he deserves so much better. But I can not be the one to give it to him. Right now I don't think he understands, but perhaps one day he will. That's all I hope for.

After missing breakfast with him and the two pests that day, I went back to the room by lunchtime. Thinking back, I wondered how they paid for the morning meal, since the card's always with me. But right then, I did not think about it. My mind was preoccupied with other events, namely me being such a complete prick.

I should stop this self-deprecation. It's hardly me. But that's what Hakkai does to me. Or rather, that's what love does to everyone. I find it so easy to admit that I love him now that I cannot have him. And he would not want me. Who could want someone who tore their heart out? Yes. I do love him. And I think I love him more than I have loved anyone or anything ever.

Gojyo knows something about Hakkai and me. He gives me suspicious looks whenever he can. I know Hakkai hasn't told him anything. If he has, I'm sure several parts of me would've been missing. Gojyo doesn't know yet, that much of this I'm sure of. But he suspects, he suspects a great deal. Goku doesn't know anything. As long as I ply his mouth with mounds and mounds of food, he doesn't question much. He's not stupid, but he's easily distracted.

Hakkai, he tries to act like nothing has happened. But I know better, after all, I was one of the parties involved. He treats Gojyo and Goku with the same tolerance and affection. He did not speak to me for the first 3 days, but now he's asking if I'm alright if I sit and stare for too long, like he used to. Like everything's back to normal.

I wish I could do it too. Treat everything the way I used to. But it's hard. When I turn around to whack the two morons in the backseat, I try to turn in the other direction. I do not wish to turn clock-wise, for I'd have to see Hakkai more than is necessary. He treats me like he always have, but I can't return the favour. It's more difficult than that.

He thinks I refused him. His heartbreak is one that he had had no choosing of. But, my heartbreak, my heartbreak is of my own volition, my crazy sense of selflessness. When was I selfless? Hell, I'm probably the most selfish bastard I know. But there's something about Hakkai that makes me want to be a bit less selfish, just for his sake.

I wonder how he feels inside. There has to be a mask he wears. I know him well enough. But I still have no knowledge on how to see beyond the mask. I hope he's not hurting, too much, although I hope he is hurting just a little bit. I'm not that selfless. It takes some practice, practice which I don't have – yet.

I spend too much time silent. I think too much. I brood too much. Sitting in the cramped jeep hardly gives me much to do. I used to have the pleasure of staring at Hakkai's profile, but now, if I stare too much, I'm afraid my mask might slip, just a little bit, and if anyone sees me at that moment, they'll know.

I love him. I do. I treat him like a friend, like I do normally, but I love him. If I were to ask Gojyo for advice, he would advise me to stop loving Sanzo, and then probably proceed to hurt Sanzo in any way he could. I don't even want to try to stop loving Sanzo. I love him and need him too much to want to try.

When he had just turned me down, I was crushed, I felt like I should never have opened by mouth. When he said he did not reciprocate my feelings, it seemed then that it wasn't just my heart that he tore apart, but all of me. It's unfair to blame him for everything, so I would not. Slowly but surely, I fell in love with Sanzo. And my life began to revolve around him. He had never asked for it, nor had he ever asked for my love. I offered it to him; he had every right to refuse. And he did. It should not hurt so much by now, but it does. It hurts so much emotionally, it almost hurts physically.

I will not stop loving Sanzo, so I came up with a better idea. I will make him fall in love with me. After that, heartache and heartbreak will have no place in it. This is my only way of facing every new day. The only way I can tell my heart to stop hurting, because of the bright light shining at the horizon, which I've named Hope.

He has to fall in love with me. He will. I'll make sure of it, because I don't know what I would do otherwise. Gods, I love him so much. I don't know when or how this happened, but it did. And all I know is that I'll never be able to let go. Ever.

Okay. This is quite a short chapter. I promise the next one will be more Hakkai-centric.

To everyone who left a review/comment, thank you. Because reviews and comments spur me on more than you'll ever know. :)