Over the Edge
Disclaimer, Spoilers, Summary: See first chapter
Again, thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews, I hope the story continues to entertain you!
My update was delayed because I wasn't well, so I have joined chapters three and four together.
NW - much as I would love to fill in that gap for you, it would require the inclusion of fourth character's pov (since Shepherd himself was in shock and doesn't remember). That, and the chronology of the story prevent me from writing that part, but I'll try and make up for it!
PurpleYin - you're right, memory loss is a good plot device, but it's also easily misused, so one has to tread carefully.
Antares Star - my small details and I appreciate your conscientious reading!
NB: As I mentioned in chapter 1, this is not a slash story (and probably won't be, Kate) but it will involve definite McKay/Shepherd friendship and angst. This story is rated PG-13, so I just wanted to mention that I only use strong language as little as possible and only when I feel the situation (emotional or otherwise) is extreme enough to warrant it.
Chapter 3 : "Of night and light and the half-light"
"To know the darkness is to love the light,
to welcome dawn and fear the coming night."
The darkness seemed everlasting. The night a thousand earth nights long.
Rodney McKay was lost, hopelessly lost in the recesses of his mind.
Thoughts seemed to swirl unbidden through his head, fleeting glimpses of colour, sound and light, glorious light.
Head for the light, swim for the light. That's where the air is, with the light, you can breathe once you've reached the light.
His eyes opened, and he coughed, choking and breathing, before falling once more into darkness.
"Major?"
"Major Shepherd?"
"John?"
John awoke to the sound of Dr. Beckett's Scottish accent as he called through the door to John's room.
As he pulled himself out of bed and stumbled towards the door, he could hear the doctor grumbling about genes and door panels. The door opened without warning and Beckett jumped as he came face to face with Shepherd.
"Ah, there you are. I was worried when you didn't answer my knocks. How are you feeling lad?"
Shepherd ran a tired hand over his face and tried unsuccessfully to hide a yawn.
"I've been better. How's Rodney? Any change?"
Beckett had more or less confined the major to his quarters for seven hours on orders to get some rest. He'd tried to refuse, wanting to wait until Rodney woke up. A quick glance at the watch he'd forgotten to take off confirmed that only four hours had passed since he'd left the infirmary.
"Why don't we go inside?"
At Beckett's suggestion Shepherd stepped back from the door, allowing the doctor to enter. Beckett sat on the chair by the wall, while John sat opposite him on the edge of his bed.
"He woke up, briefly. He didn't stay conscious for all that long, but he has started breathing for himself again and we've removed the ventilator. He wasn't very lucid while he was awake and didn't seem aware of his surroundings at all. But that is only to be expected from the medication we had him on."
There was a pause as Beckett allowed Shepherd to assimilate the information.
"This is good news, major. Especially so that he's breathing independently. The next forty-eight hours or so will be very telling, at the moment it's very much a case of wait and see."
Yeah, Shepherd thought to himself.
Wait and see if Rodney wakes up again.
Wait and see if Rodney still had higher brain function.
Wait and see if Rodney McKay, astrophysicist and probable genius, can still remember his own name, spell it, write it, pronounce it backwards.
He hated the waiting game.
"Anyway Major, I just thought you'd want to know. Try and get some rest. I'll let you know if his condition changes.
Three hours later Shepherd was trying to convince Dr. Beckett to let him in to sit with McKay. Just for a while, for a few minutes. Enough to convince Shepherd that McKay was really still with them and not the dead bloody mess he seemed to be the last time John had seen him.
Beckett finally relented, but gave him firm instructions on not upsetting himself and warning him how Rodney wasn't going to look exactly normal since he was hooked up to lots of monitors and drips and his head was bandaged.
Shepherd steeled himself for a scary looking McKay and headed into the room. A nurse was with Rodney, checking his monitors and writing figures onto his chart. She gave John a small smile as she left, but Shepherd could see the worry in her eyes. He knew that that same worry was reflected in his own eyes, worry and guilt, because this was all his fault.
Taking a military issue chair from the corner of the room, he moved it next to Rodney's bedside and sat down. It was only then that he let himself look at his friend, examine him, notice every detail. The paleness of Rodney's skin as he lay there, almost motionless, his chest rising and falling, thankfully, by itself. Monitors beeped constantly around him, like a dawn chorus, but Rodney slept through it.
Three different bags of solutions were being fed via an infuser through an intravenous drip. Rodney was also being given oxygen through a nasal canula.
Shepherd closed his eyes, trying to prevent himself seeing the state of the person in front of him. Beckett was right, it was scary, seeing Rodney like this.
Shepherd opened his eyes again and leaned forward in his chair, his head in his hands. The monitors kept up their beeping, saying with each clear note that this man was alive.
He reached over and took hold of McKay's hand, the one without any needles poking into it. He sighed mentally. McKay didn't particularly like needles, especially the intravenous ones. He had told Shepherd that when the major was recovering after the wraith creature had latched on to his neck and he'd died and all.
Rodney had come to visit the next day and had stayed for a while, keeping him company, talking about anything and everything, including intravenous needles like the one Shepherd had had in his arm at the time. And now the situation was reversed and it was him sitting at Rodney's bedside.
McKay's hand felt cold, so Shepherd wrapped both his hands around it.
"I'm so sorry Rodney" He whispered the words.
There was no reply, only the almost comforting beeps of the monitors.
He continued, "I never meant for this to happen, never. I shouldn't have been so careless. If only I'd listened when you told me about the station, if only I'd made sure where you were before I'd activated it, you wouldn't be here now."
He held back the tears that threatened to overwhelm him. Pushed back the surfacing guilt. This wasn't the time for blame, wasn't the time for tears. It was time to focus on Rodney's getting better, on his making a full recovery. On his waking up.
Up until then, the heart monitor, like all the others, had been beeping along in consistent sequence. Now it changed, quickened, alarmed, changing from it's chant of alive, alive, to alert, alert.
John shouted for Beckett, pressed the alarm next to Rodney's bed. And then looked down at Rodney, whose hand he had let go of. Confused, scared blue eyes stared back at him.
"Now take my hand and hold it tight.
I will not fail you here tonight.
For failing you, I fail myself
And place my soul upon a shelf
In hell's library, without light.
I will not fail you here tonight."
"Rodney?"
The blue eyes blinked, then looked towards the door as Beckett and his team rushed in.
Carson stopped just inside the door, taking in the scene before him. He quickly moved to check the monitors, and gently but firmly pushed Shepherd towards the far wall. Shepherd didn't protest.
Beckett checked the monitors, resetting the still alarming heart monitor. It returned to it's former beeping. He turned his attention to the confused man lying on the bed.
"How are you feeling Rodney? You've been in a bit of an accident, you fell into the water and hit you head. Do you remember that Rodney?"
There was a pause as Rodney seemed to consider his words. He closed his eyes briefly then on opening them, tried to speak.
"Where.... where am I?" His voice was coarse and he was wheezing slightly.
"You're in the ICU room in the infirmary, lad. It's good to have you back with us."
His eyes still looked confused, his gaze wandered round the room to take in the medical equipment, the other members of staff standing near the door, and finally noticing Shepherd where he leaned against the wall.
Shepherd smiled at him, but Rodney only frowned then mumbled something.
"What was that Rodney?" Beckett leaned forward to hear.
"My head hurts."
Beckett nodded sympathetically
"Aye, I'm sure it does lad, you gave it quite a knock. You're already on a fair bit of pain medication, we'll give you some more in an hour or so. Perhaps you'd like some water?"
McKay's eyes closed tiredly, and he nodded. One of the nurses fetched some water, and Beckett held the straw to McKay's mouth for him to take a few sips.
Exhaustedly McKay closed his eyes and Beckett gestured for the medical staff and Shepherd to leave the room. He followed them out a minute later.
"He's fallen asleep. We should let him get some rest. The fact that he has woken up again and spoken to us is a good sign. He should, bar any major setbacks, recover completely. We'll keep him under close observation though, and we'll bring him for another MRI in..", he consulted his watch, "an hour or so"
As the medical team left to pursue other matters, Beckett turn to head towards his office.
"I want to stay with him"
Beckett turned to face Shepherd. To the Major's surprise, he nodded his head in agreement. "It might be a good idea that you do stay, in case he wakes up again. A familiar face would be a good idea. I'll have one of the nursing staff relieve you in a few hours so you can get some rest."
Shepherd started to thank the doctor, but Carson waved him off. "You're a good friend to Rodney, John, and no-one blames you for what happened. "
Two hours and one MRI scan later, Shepherd was sitting next to Rodney's bed, chewing on a protein bar the nurse had brought him. Ford and Teyla had come by to check on Rodney, as had Weir and Zalenka. Beckett had come in every half hour and had informed John that there was no sign of swelling or clots in Rodney's scan.
The second time Rodney awoke there was a lot less panic. He didn't set off the heart monitor alarm this time, and John was so deep in thought that he didn't notice Rodney's wakefulness immediately.
It was only when McKay moved his arm to reach the cup of water sitting on the bedside locker that Shepherd was alerted to the fact that he was awake.
"Hey there, let me get that for you"
Shepherd picked up the styrofoam cup half filled with water and helped Rodney take a few sips through the straw. He considered going to get Beckett, but he didn't want to leave McKay alone.
"How are you feeling? We've all been very worried"
Rodney looked puzzled by the question and countered it with a few of his own.
"Where... who.... what's going on?"
Shepherd smiled at him. "The infirmary, remember? You hit your head, got a little drowned, and Beckett patched you up."
The answer seemed to only agitate Rodney and he tried to sit up.
"No, no you've got to lay down Rodney, you're not well enough to get up."
Shepherd tried to gently push McKay back into a horizontal position, but he resisted.
"Who.. who are you? Where am I? What are you doing to me?"
Rodney continued to resist against John attempts to get him to lie down. Shepherd hesitated a second before reaching up and pushing the emergency button next to the bed.
He turned back to the bed and placed his hands on McKay's shoulders. To his dismay, Rodney flinched at the contact and struggled, trying to push his hands away.
"Let me go, please... let go of me." Blue eyes looked up at him, imploringly.
"Rodney, it's okay, everything's going to be okay." He recalled one of McKay's earlier questions.
"I'm John, remember, Major John Sheppard. We're on Atlantis. You're a member of my team, have been for quite a while now. We're friends Rodney, it's okay. Just try and relax"
Scared blue eyes stared at him uncomprehendingly.
Dr. Beckett duly arrived and immediately came to Shepherd's aid.
"Now Rodney, you've got to lie back. It's too soon to be exerting yourself. Try and relax, we've got you, everything is under control."
After more cajoling, they managed to get Rodney relatively calm and lying back on the bed. Exhausted from the effort, he drifted back into an uneasy sleep.
Beckett shepherded John out of the room and after sending a nurse in to stay with Rodney, brought John to his office.
They both sat down and a tense silence passed between them. Finally Beckett spoke.
"John, what the bloody hell happened in there?"
Beckett could see the worry, guilt and more importantly, the fear in John's eyes. He was physically and mentally exhausted and looked as if his worst nightmare had just come true.
"He doesn't know who I am." John croaked out. Beckett waited for him to continue.
"When he woke up, he kept asking who I was, where he was. He didn't seem to understand what was going on. He didn't remember, not the infirmary, not the drowning, not Atlantis, not me. He was so confused and scared out of his wits."
Shepherd held his head in his hands, and took some deep, slow breaths.
"He was so fucking scared." He could feel the tears behind his eyes, threatening to overwhelm him.
He didn't notice that Beckett had moved, not until he felt the mans hand resting on his shoulder.
"It's alright John, it's going to be alright."
John looked at him over his shoulder, fixing him with an accusing glare.
"How? How is it going to be alright? How can Rodney McKay not remembering any of this.." he gestured around the room as he spoke, "... be alright?"
"I don't know, lad, I don't know yet. But it will be."
At that moment the emergency alarm sounded. Beckett ran out the door, closely followed by Shepherd.
The nurse that had been watching McKay was standing by the door, saline bag in hand, "I just went to get another bag...I" Carson pushed past her into the room, Shepherd on his heels.
The bed was empty. Rodney McKay was gone.
Beckett turned to face Shepherd and, without a word, they ran out of the room, the same thought in both their minds.
Where was Rodney?
Authors ever-so-brief note: The chapter title is from W.B. Yeats poem "He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven". The quotes were both from Dean Koontz's "The book of Counted Sorrows". If anyone is wondering how McKay, being so hurt and all, got out of bed, remember: fear creates adrenaline, which gives people extra strength and stamina, but only temporarily.