Author's Notes: This was supposed to be endgame. Honest. Last chapter --- well, the epilogue notwithstanding. But I wrote it in two points of view, and it was too long. So now, there will be seven chapters of craziness! You're so lucky. The "Click-click-bloody-click-pancakes!"line is from Family Guy. No harm intended. Also, floor tile? It's my laugh phrase. I've laughed whenever I've heard it for two years now, so no one else can. XD
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"I
am the great and mighty Karos, and I want a snack!" The demon
tugged on Cordy's hand gently, looking up at her with big red eyes.
"Now, mortal slave!"
"What's the magic word?" Cordy
shot back, spreading butter on some toast. "No magic word, no
cookie. That's the way it works in this dimension, chief."
"This
dimension sucks! I wanna go home!" Karos pouted, a tear welling up
in its eyes. "I will be missed by my acolytes! You must send me
back, or ten million of my warriors will use your weak human body for
target practice!" It stamped its foot. "I WANT A COOKIE! YO
QUIERO COOKIE! J'AIME COOKIE! CLICK-CLICK-BLOODY-CLICK-COOKIE!
NOW!!"
"That's not the magic word," Cordelia said
patiently. "You have to ask nicely to get the cookie."
"I
am the god Karos! I do not ask nicely, I take and kill! Give me a
cookie, inferior slime, before I rip your entrails out and use them
to festoon my holy sleeping place."
"You mean that crib?
Sorry if I don't shake in terror." Cordy took a bite of her
toast. "I'll make you something good if you say please."
"I
do not negotiate with lesser beings, especially those with an IQ
lower than the slug-frogs of the swamps of Dyscambin'ar."
"Do
you want another time-out, Karos? I figured the tenth one would make
you understand that the only lesser being around these parts is
you."
"Foolish wench! You are unworthy to speak my name!"
Karos thrashed its tail again, smacking it hard against Cordy's
legs.
"Listen up, you little cretin! I'm bigger, I'm
stronger, I'm prettier, and---" she held up a bag of Milanos --
"I've got the cookies. You worship me, I don't worship you.
Do I make myself clear, or do I have to spank you?"
"Bitch,
please." Karos rolled its eyes, then instinctively snatched the
cookie Cordelia tossed him.
"I guess we'll have to work on
this whole please-and-thank-you thing," Cordy said to the
retreating baby-god, who was holding its cookie like a holy relic.
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"Going
out. Anyone need anything?" Angel shrugged his coat on, selecting
a couple stakes from the box of wood they kept.
"No, I'm
well, thanks," Wesley said, taking a sip of tea. Angel blinked at
him.
"Hey, you're not stupid any more!"
"Well,
I wouldn't go that far," Cordy said. "But not as stupid, which
is good."
"What happened?" Angel said.
Wes
shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know," he said. "Honestly.
It's as if I woke up from a dream. I remember being out of it,
but I don't really remember it."
Cordy rolled her eyes.
"Crazy guy on aisle three," she said.
"I AM THE GREAT
AND MIGHTY KAROS, AND I WANT ANOTHER COOKIE, HUMAN SCUM!" Karos
screamed from the kitchen. "YOUR FEEBLE ATTEMPTS AT HIDING THE
SACRED COOKIES WILL NOT FOOL ME FOR LONG!"
"The great and
mighty Karos will spoil its dinner, so the great and mighty Karos is
NOT having another cookie!"
Angel boggled.
"You let it talk to you like that?"
"We're still
working on asking nicely. This afternoon, he even said 'please.'
Of course, 'bitch' was before it, so I don't know if that
counts."
"That's it," Angel said. "I'm going to
go have a talk with Junior." He got up and walked into the
kitchen.
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"Puny
mortal!" Karos roared. "I will devour your heart and liver while
you still breathe, unless you hand me the divine cookies!"
"Uh,
I think that would be a 'no' -- I'm not exactly breathing."
Angel squatted down in front of the tiny demon, smiling at it
reassuringly. "I hear you want some cookies, yeah?"
"Worthless
scum! How dare you talk to me as if I am a child? I will have you
broiled!" Karos looked at Angel with a cautious air, weighing his
options. "But yes, I yearn for these strange creations called
cookies."
"Well, I can help you get some."
"How?
The she-human wanted a magic word. I know no magic besides the War
Grimoires of Kittabik'mahur. They say nothing about magic
words."
"What? Oh, no. In this dimension, when people
want something, they are courteous."
"What is
'courteous'?"
"Oh," Angel said. "Um. It's
nice. Being nice."
"It sounds infantile to me," Karos
said dismissingly. "I do not believe this courteous will be of any
use to me."
"Then I guess you don't want cookies."
Angel smirked, standing up and grabbing the bag. "Oh, these are my
favorites..." He took one from the bag, sniffing it before he took
a big bite, chewing slowly. "So nice and soft and
yummy..."
"Asswipe!" Karos shouted. "Give me this
cookie before you kill me with longing, I beg you!"
"That'll
do." Angel handed it two. "Remember, if you want more, you have
to--"
"Shay pweez," Karos said through a mouthful of
cookie, then swallowed. "I understand this courteousness. It will
do for now. But I get a cookie every time I say this 'magic word,'
correct?"
"Yes.
And if you ever talk to Cordelia again like the way you did this
afternoon, I will eviscerate you. Clear?"
"I am a god,
how dare you say that to me?" Karos said indignantly. "You
should be swearing fealty and undying allegiance to me instead of
accusing me so! Rest assured, I will hang you by your toenails for
this trespass."
"Yeah,
whatever." Angel walked out. "Guys, the night's still young.
I'm out of here before I kill Junior."
"Later!"
Cordy said.
"I'll try to find out where he came from," Wesley said, shooting up from his chair and running to his office.
"Right."
Cordelia sighed, sinking into a chair. Finally, quiet-time.
"I
WANT TO SLEEP! NOW, HUMAN SLAVES!"
"Oh, not even."
Cordy hauled herself up, trudging to Karos's side. "All right,
let's put you to bed, your deitic whininess."
"Humph,"
it said, walking up the stairs at her side. "I expect you to stay
beside me all through the night, in case of an assassination
attempt."
"Bucko, if anyone tries to kill you, it's
going to be me. Are you a demon or not?"
"Well, I need
someone. Or my toy made from the bones of sparrows." Karos looked
almost embarrassed. "It's not easy being a demon god."
"Oh,
yeah. All those acolytes worshipping you and giving you whatever you
want. Must be real tough."
They were interrupted by Wes's
frantic "Cordy! Cordelia! Come look what I've found!" Cordelia
could hear him giggle from below.
"This had so better be a
way to get your spiny self back home," she said, walking down the
stairs with Karos in tow.
"Look! Look!" Wesley said,
running up to her and thrusting a book in her face. "I thought I'd
found the answer, but that's not what I was looking for! I was
looking for the question!"
"Right. What was the
question?"
"How to get Karos back home!" Wes laughed
again, shoving the book up at her. "But I found the question to
the answer that I knew all along!" He smiled dazedly. "Look at
it, just look."
Cordelia,
thinking that the best way to shut him up was appeasement, read the
passage he selected. She blinked; looked at it again, then Wesley,
who was still giggling.
Floor tile floor tile
floor tile floor tile floor tile floor tile floor tile floor tile
floor tile floor tile floor tile floor tile floor tile floor tile
floor tile floor tile floor tile floor tile floor tile
floor
tile floor tile floor tile floor tile floor tile floor tile floor
tile floor tile floor tile
"Floor
tile!" Wesley said, in a way that seemed he was delivering a very
grand explanation. "It's floor tile!"
"That's the
question. Floor tile. Floor tile is the question."
"Yes!
Now you've got it!"
Cordy giggled. And then laughed. The
next second, she and Wes were hanging on to each other for support,
laughing so hard they were crying.
"This," Karos said
disgustedly, "is the part where I would ingest your brains, but I
fear the affliction with which you seem to be infected."
"Floor
tile!" Cordy
said.
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