Chapter Thirty Five: Guilt
Ron landed hard, his feet slamming into the cold stone kitchen floor. Dr. Granger stumbled next to him, and Ron caught him.
There was a shriek, and Ron realized it was his mother, and before he could take two steps, she was engulfing him in a crushing embrace. He saw Harry and Ginny standing a few feet back, with Mr. Weasley and the rest of Ron's brothers, and Fleur Delacour.
'Oh, my goodness!' she cried. 'Ronnie, are you okay?'
'I'm okay, Mum,' said Ron, pulling himself from her arms as Dr. Granger grabbed onto his wife and pulled her close.
'Hermione!' Mrs. Weasley sobbed, and they hugged in turn. 'I'm so glad you're all safe.'
'We're fine, Mrs. Weasley,' said Hermione, though her voice was shaking. 'My parents...'
'Please help my wife,' Dr. Granger croaked, and everyone turned to see Mrs. Granger, who was white faced and shaking.
'She's in shock,' said Mrs. Weasley firmly, her voice suddenly all business. 'We need to get her warmed up right now. Harry, give me your dressing gown. Arthur, put on the kettle.'
Harry was gaping at Ron as he shrugged off his dressing gown and handed it to Mrs. Weasley. Mrs. Weasley extricated Mrs. Granger gently from her husband's arms and put the dressing gown around her.
'Percy, yours too,' said Mrs. Weasley, over her shoulder; Percy handed his cane to Fred and yanked off his robe and tossed it; Ron caught it and wrapped it around Mrs. Granger.
Keep busy, that's it. Do something. Maybe that'll help you forget just a bit that this is your bloody fault.
'Sit her down here,' said Mrs. Weasley, as Ron and Dr. Granger steered Mrs. Granger to the nearest chair.
'Hold onto her,' Mrs. Weasley told Dr. Granger. 'Rub her hands. Arthur?'
'Almost ready, dear,' said Mr. Weasley, and at that moment, the kettle boiled and whistled. Mrs. Weasley hurried to the stove as Mr. Weasley put some herbs into a pot; Mrs. Weasley pulled a small satchel from her robe pocket and added something else. Ron guessed it was something to help Mrs. Granger sleep, or warm her up, or both. Mr. Weasley poured the boiling water over the herbs; Mrs. Weasley poured the liquid through a strainer into two mugs and brought it to the table.
'She needs to drink this,' said Mrs. Weasley gently.
'Alice?' said Dr. Granger. 'Alice, dear, you need to drink this tea.'
Mrs. Granger looked at her husband with haunted eyes, and suddenly they began to leak tears.
'Oh...oh, Warren,' she whispered, and she began to cry. Dr. Granger held her to him.
Mrs. Weasley set down the mugs. 'If she's crying, that means she's out of danger.'
'Alice,' Dr. Granger whispered, 'it's all right. We're all right. Everyone's safe.'
'Hermione?' she whispered.
'I'm here, Mum,' said Hermione, and she moved to her mother's side as Mrs. Weasley made room.
In that moment, the Grangers pulled their daughter into a hug. Ron backed away, and the rest of the occupants of the kitchen looked away for a moment.
Hermione finally pulled away.
'Mum, Dad,' she said softly. 'Please drink this.' She nodded to the mugs.
Looking almost mindless, both Grangers took their mugs and began to sip the tea.
Mrs. Weasley turned to Fred.
'Did you get the extra room ready?' she asked.
'It's all set, Mum,' said Fred.
'Warren,' said Mrs. Weasley gently, 'Alice. Let's get you upstairs. I'll draw some baths for you and help you get cleaned up.'
'They might have injuries, Mrs. Weasley,' said Hermione.
'We're fine,' said Mrs. Granger, regaining her composure as she continued to sip her tea. 'At least, I'm fine.'
'I am, too,' said Dr. Granger. 'They...they hit me with something...'
'Cruciatus,' Hermione mumbled.
'Oh, dear,' Mrs. Weasley whispered.
'I'm okay now,' said Dr. Granger. 'It was...very painful...'
Ron and Harry exchanged glances; to call getting hit by the Cruciatus Curse painful was an understatement.
The Grangers allowed Mr. and Mrs. Weasley to lead them out of the kitchen and upstairs.
Ron watched them go for a minute, and then looked back at the rest of his family, and Harry and Fleur. They were all regarding him and Hermione with a mixture of concern and caution, as though none of them quite knew what to do.
Ron's eyes met Ginny's, and she bit her lip, and tears filmed her eyes. She crossed the room and pulled Ron into a hug. The horror of the night came roaring back as Ginny put her hand on the back of his neck, but just as quickly it was gone, replaced by warmth and sympathy. Ron felt Ginny tense in his arms as she absorbed his pain and guilt, and he tried to let go of her, but she clung to him insistently, filling him with her power. When she finally did let him go, he saw that she was not as weakened as he'd expected; she'd clearly grown stronger, and recovered faster from using her power to help others. Still, Ron hadn't failed to miss the way she grimaced, just slightly, as she let him go.
'You didn't have to do that,' he said softly.
'Yes, I did,' was her reply. Everyone was watching the two of them; the Weasley brothers and Fleur looked at Ginny with confusion, as though each wanted to ask her or Ron just what it was she had done, but nobody spoke.
Just as Ron thought of arguing the point, that Ginny shouldn't be doing something that still hurt her, Ginny had already moved to hug Hermione, who was embraced in turn by Harry.
Harry and Ron embraced next; it was the usual fast sort of hug between two young men, and yet there was an intensity to it that was unspoken but understood.
Ron then felt the twins hugging him.
'You scared the hell out of us, little bro,' George said, clearly trying for a jocular tone, and not quite succeeding. Fred took up the theme.
'Next time you decide to narrowly escape death,' he said, 'would you mind not doing it in the middle of the night? You're messing with my beauty sleep.'
It was a totally inappropriate--and therefore perfectly Fred thing to say--that Ron couldn't help but laugh, and the others seemed to take his cue and laugh as well. All but Hermione, whose eyes filled with tears.
'Shit, I'm sorry,' said Fred contritely. 'I didn't mean--'
Ron instinctively started to reach for her, but she waved a hand at him and shook her head.
'I'm fine,' she said, wiping her eyes. 'I...I think I'll go upstairs.'
'I'll go with you,' Ron offered.
'No, no,' said Hermione. 'I just want to check on my parents.'
She gave Ron a weak smile and started out of the kitchen; he watched her go, and felt the weight of guilt pressing on his chest. He barely noticed when Bill and Charlie and Percy all hugged him.
All Ron could see was the look on Hermione's face as she left the kitchen; all he could feel was the sting of her rejection of his embrace. It told him all he needed to know.
She could tell him all she wanted that she didn't blame him for not foreseeing the attack on her parents, but Ron knew the truth: tonight was his fault, nothing Hermione said could change that.
'You want to talk about it?'
Harry was looking at him with concern as Ron pulled on a set of Percy's pyjamas, which were just a bit too short in the leg.
'Not really,' said Ron, running a hand through his hair.
'Okay,' said Harry, shrugging, and he started to climb into bed.
Ron found himself staring at the floor; the guilt was gnawing at him. He hadn't seen Hermione in over an hour; she was still, Ron assumed, with her parents.
She doesn't want to see me.
Can you blame her?
No.
'It's my fault,' Ron heard himself say.
Harry pulled himself up into a sitting position.
'What do you mean, it's your fault?'
'I forgot to meditate,' said Ron, sitting down heavily on his own bed. 'For a whole day. I didn't write anything down in my stupid dream diary, I didn't meditate, and...this happened.'
'Ron, come on--' Harry began.
'No, Harry,' said Ron fiercely. 'Dammit. Of all the times to slack off? When Voldemort knows there's a Seer out there?'
'How do you know you would have seen that coming?' Harry countered. 'Didn't Firenze tell you--'
'Seers can't see everything,' said Ron. 'I know. But this is different, Harry, this is her parents. Firenze also said I tend to see more clearly where people I care about are concerned. Her parents nearly died because I was too lazy or...or too stupid to do what I was supposed to do.'
'But they didn't die,' said Harry. 'You and Hermione saved them, and they saved themselves. Jesus, Ron, don't do this. Don't...don't be like me.'
Ron looked up sharply.
'How do you mean?' he said, but he had a good idea of what Harry was talking about.
'You know what I mean,' said Harry. 'Acting like you have to save the entire world by yourself. It's not possible.'
'I know, but--'
'But nothing,' said Harry, almost angrily, and he got up and crossed to Ron's bed and sat down next to him. 'Listen to me. It took Sirius being murdered, Dumbledore dying and my two best friends nearly dying for me to finally understand that. Is that what you want, to take everything on yourself until someone you love dies on you?' His voice shook. 'Because that's what'll happen if you start down that road, Ron.'
There was a thin film of tears over Harry's green eyes; he blinked and looked away.
'Don't be like me,' he repeated. 'You need your friends. You can only do so much.' He looked at Ron now, and put a hand on his shoulder. 'You've done a hell of a lot of good already.'
Ron felt a lump rise in his throat, and he swallowed. How many times had he been in this same position, reassuring Harry, trying to take away the burdens of guilt and responsibility that he so often placed--far too heavily--upon himself? For so long, Ron had felt like the older brother to Harry, and yet now, Harry was the older brother, the wiser one.
'I know,' Ron managed. 'I just...I think she blames me, Harry. For what happened. She wouldn't let me hug her.'
'Hermione doesn't blame you,' said Harry forcefully. 'She'd never blame you. She's just in shock.'
Ron let out a bitter laugh.
'You could say that,' he said. 'It was bad, Harry. She...she killed one of them. And her mum, she did, too.'
'Her mum?' said Harry. 'How?'
'With a gun,' said Ron. 'I've never seen anything like that. All that blood...and it was so loud. And supposedly it's illegal to keep one. At least that's what Hermione says.'
'Yeah, I think the Muggles changed the laws in the past year or so,' said Harry. 'Uncle Vernon was complaining about it a while back, said just when he was working up the nerve to--what was it--oh yeah, "put one between my eyes", the government went and banned guns.'
Ron laughed again and shook his head.
'Nice family, Potter,' he said.
'They're not my family,' said Harry, and he gave Ron a meaningful look.
'Are you getting mushy on me?' Ron asked.
'Fuck you,' said Harry, grinning.
They laughed for a moment, and then Ron was serious again.
'I just...I don't know how to be around her,' he said finally. 'I know I shouldn't feel guilty but I do. And...maybe she won't blame me for it but I can't help but wonder if it wouldn't be easier if she did. Shit, I dunno what I'm talking about...I have to meditate...'
'What, now?'
'Yes, now,' said Ron, standing up. 'I let it go all yesterday, and today.'
'Ron, it's late, you're exhausted,' Harry protested.
'I have to do this, Harry,' said Ron. 'I'm not trying to be heroic or stupid or anything. I just...I have to.'
Harry gazed at him for a long moment.
'Okay,' he said, 'but you have to meditate in here.'
'Harry, I can't,' said Ron. 'I wouldn't be able to concentrate with you in here--'
'So do it in the loo,' said Harry. 'I mean it, Ron. If something happens--'
'Nothing will happen to me,' said Ron. 'I recover a lot faster now.'
'I meant to me,' said Harry. 'I might still have crazy nightmares, remember? Voldemort might decide tonight's the night to have a little fun messing with my head.'
Ron stared at him; Harry was openly manipulating him, and both knew it. Harry had the grace to look at least a little guilty about it.
'Prat,' said Ron.
'I know,' said Harry, but Ron saw the concern on his best mate's face. However Harry might be manipulating him, Ron had to admit, it would be easier on him, as well, to simply stay close by.
'I'll stay,' said Ron.
In the end, meditating accomplished rather what Ron expected: nothing. In fact, the only vision he had concerning anyone he knew was, oddly, one in which Pansy Parkinson was in an unfamiliar room, stirring some sort of potion in a cauldron. He wrote it down in his journal, as with all the other visions; he supposed he ought to wonder why he would have a vision of Pansy--of all people--stirring a potion, but just as quickly he dismissed it as nothing more than the rest of the random jumbles of pictures he was seeing in his mind. Pansy stirring a potion in a cauldron was hardly noteworthy, seeing as Ron saw her do this every day in Potions' lessons.
Ron exited the loo at half past midnight to find Harry sleeping. He slept quite soundly, but for the occasional unintelligible murmur. Ron crawled into bed, but after ten minutes of staring at the ceiling, he realized that for all his exhaustion, he was too keyed up to sleep.
He climbed out of bed, careful not to make too much noise; there was enough moonlight streaming into the room that he could see well enough to walk to the door, wand in hand.
He padded down to the kitchen, hoping against hope to find it empty. Part of him had wanted to talk to Hermione before he'd gone to sleep, but she never did make an appearance at his door, and in any case, the part of him that wanted to see her was outweighed by the part of him that was afraid to look her in the eyes, and see disappointment and blame written there.
Any hope of avoiding Hermione tonight was ended when Ron opened the kitchen door.
She was there, her back to him, sitting in a chair with her legs curled up beneath her chin; she didn't seem to have heard him enter the room. Her shoulders were shaking, and her head was bowed over her elbows, which she'd wrapped around her knees.
He swallowed. For a moment, he debated fleeing, letting her cry alone.
Coward.
The sight of her, the sound of her small sobs--she was clearly trying to be quiet--stabbed at his heart.
'Hermione?'
She gave a started and looked up, and turned round in the chair.
'Ron.'
Her eyes were swollen and red; she had been crying for some time. She looked about to say something, but more tears began to flow, and she gave another sob.
'Hey,' Ron whispered, and he crossed the room, doing what instinct told him. He knelt in front of her chair and pulled her into his arms; she collapsed against him and clung to him fiercely, landing on his lap.
'Shh,' he whispered, stroking her tangled hair.
'Everything's so awful,' she cried, burying her face in his shoulder.
'I know,' he said, his voice cracking. 'I'm so sorry, love...I'm sorry...I should have seen this coming...'
At this she pulled back and looked at him sharply.
'Don't,' she said. 'Don't you dare. If you're going to apologize for anything, apologize for throwing yourself in front of my dad.'
'What?' said Ron, confused.
'Why, Ron?' she asked, her eyes filling again. 'How could you...what were you thinking?'
'Hermione, I don't know what you're saying--'
'Is it because you felt guilty, is that it?' she demanded, sounding angry now. 'You forgot to meditate, so you threw yourself in front of my dad when that Death Eater...when...oh god...'
She sat back and buried her face in her hands.
'Hermione, please,' Ron begged.
'You were going to let him kill you!' she cried out, pushing his shoulders. 'How could you? He was aiming the Killing Curse and you...you threw yourself in the way of my dad!'
Ron felt his shoulders sag. He had forgotten all about that. In the heat of the moment, the only memory that had stayed with him was the sound of the rifle blast, the sight of the Death Eater being thrown backwards against the wall as his chest blew apart and blood went everywhere.
'I...I wasn't really thinking--' he said.
'That's just it, isn't it?' said Hermione furiously, and she stood up and started to pace. 'You never think, you just act!'
'That's not true!' said Ron defensively, and he stood up. 'You're being unfair--'
'You could have died!' she yelled, clearly not caring if she woke the household.
'What else was I supposed to do?' Ron countered angrily, remembering at least to keep his voice at a reasonable level. 'Let your father die?'
'No!' Hermione cried out, and she pounded her small fists on his chest. 'You were supposed to throw a Shield Charm, remember? We've only been working on them for the whole term!'
'Well, I forgot, okay?' Ron said brokenly. 'You're right! I should have done that, but I didn't! I'm sorry!'
Some Auror I'll make.
'Dammit, Ron, you're not supposed to make me choose between my father and you,' Hermione sobbed, turning away from him.
Ron stared at her. For a long moment, the only sound was that of her crying.
'I never meant--'
'The worst part of it is that I did choose,' she said, whirling on him and raking her hands through her hair. 'In that moment I prayed to whoever would listen that if anyone had to die it wouldn't be you! Because...I could stand living without Dad but...but not without you...'
She broke down again, and Ron could do nothing but watch, and feel wretched.
'And that's not all,' she said, wiping her face. 'I killed somebody tonight. I killed a human being. And I don't care! I slashed that man's aorta open, Ron, because he tried to hurt you! Why don't I care that he's dead? You cared! You were a mess about Dolohov all I can do is...is stand here and feel glad that I killed that nameless, faceless bastard, and know that I'd do it a thousand times over and still not care if it meant saving you...'
Her voice failed her, and she sank back into her chair. Ron watched her miserably. She never doubted herself this badly, not anymore. He didn't know what to do, but he couldn't keep standing there like a lump. He sat down on the chair next to her, and turned it to face her.
'Hermione,' he whispered. 'Don't do this.'
'Who am I?' she whispered, looking at him with swollen, bloodshot eyes. 'What am I, that I could actually choose between my father and you? That I could kill a man and be glad for it?'
Ron swallowed. What on earth could he say to this question?
'Hermione,' he said slowly, and he put a hand on her arm. She brushed his hand away and shook her head.
'How can you even look at me?' she whimpered.
'What's that supposed to mean?' said Ron angrily. 'Hermione, do you want to know what you are? You're the most brilliant witch I've ever met, and you're brave and noble and...okay, fine. You're a bit scary when you're hacked off. But you saved my life tonight...I want you in my corner, do you hear? And...Merlin, I don't know what to say about your dad...I just...'
He broke off; she looked at him beseechingly, willing him to tell her something to ease her heart.
'You're my family,' he said finally. 'And that means, by extension, so are your parents. I can't help wanting to protect my family. It's how Mum and Dad brought me up. I'm sorry I scared you...I won't do anything that stupid again, I promise...I'll remember the Shield Charm from now on, I swear...but I did what I had to do. And it's okay. I'm here, and you're here. Everyone's alive. And if you don't feel badly about killing that Death Eater...I don't know what to tell you, except that if you hadn't he would have killed me, and then you, and his friends would have tortured and murdered your parents. If you killed that guy because you love me and wanted to save my life, nobody can say what you did was wrong.'
'You didn't kill anyone tonight,' said Hermione softly.
Ron started to protest, but then stopped. She was right. He had only broken the other Death Eater's leg, and Stunned him.
Because you'd killed someone before, and you didn't want to do it again, so you came up with something else, and it worked.
'What if I do it again?' Hermione asked.
'You won't,' said Ron. 'You'll do something else, just like I did.'
'I don't want to be evil,' she whispered.
'Shut up,' said Ron, putting a hand over her mouth. 'Don't you ever say that. You're not. Dammit, Hermione, you're not evil. They're evil, they go around torturing and killing people for sport. You're not them. You're good. I love you because you're good...please, don't do this to yourself.' His voice shook as the lump that had been lurking in his throat from earlier that night came creeping back up. 'And anyway,' he added, 'if you really felt good about killing that guy you wouldn't be upset about it now, so that just proves you're not like them.'
'Are you sure?'
'Bloody hell, of course, I'm sure,' he said forcefully.
Hermione looked at him and started to weep again, and he pulled her into a fierce hug.
'I love you so much,' he said, and his voice cracked as tears stung his eyelashes. 'I'll never stop, not ever.'
Her response was to sob and hold him closer. Her tears soaked his shirt, and his own tears slid down his face, and he wondered how it was that they used to argue about stupid things like homework.
At last she pulled back, and looked at him. He brushed her tears away with his thumbs, and she did the same to him.
'I love you,' she said, her voice a bit hoarse, and she smoothed his hair back from his forehead.
'I know,' he said, grinning.
She smiled for a moment, but then became serious.
'Ron, promise me something,' she said.
'What, love?' he asked, brushing a stray curl behind her ear.
'Don't put yourself in the way anymore, please,' she begged. If you'd been killed tonight...I want to die, just thinking about it...please don't do anything brave and stupid like that anymore...'
'Hermione...' he began.
Why does she want me to promise her the impossible?
You'd ask her the same thing if she'd done what you did tonight. And didn't she? Didn't she act impulsively as you?
Ron thought better of bringing up the fact--another thing he'd just remembered--that she, too, had behaved rashly when she leapt around the corner where a Death Eater was lurking.
'Please!' Hermione pleaded. 'If you have to lie to me right now...I don't care...tell me you won't...'
'I promise,' he whispered, putting a finger to her lips.
She sniffed and wiped away her tears, and smiled weakly at him. He pressed his lips softly to hers, and would have pulled away a moment later, except that she put her hands behind his neck, and kissed him harder, and then he was deepening the kiss, parting her lips with his, and suddenly they were kissing frantically, seeking solace in mouths, breath, heat.
He pulled her closer to him and they sank to the floor, still kissing, until he was on top of her; they were between the two old chairs, half under the table, and neither of them seemed to notice or care. There was only this...something bright and hopeful and alive to sustain them through the horrors of what they'd seen earlier that night.
Ron wondered how far it would go, if they should stop, if they could continue, albeit somewhere else, and yet Hermione's lips, the whispered words in his ear, her hands, spurred him on. He couldn't stop. It didn't matter that they were on the kitchen floor. All that mattered was her, and being connected with her in that singular way that drove everything else from his mind and heart.
He reached for the buttons of her pyjama top as his lips trailed to her neck, when suddenly there was a huge whoosh that came from the fireplace.
Ron and Hermione leapt up, or tried to, but instead stumbled and struggled to get up from the floor.
A figure stepped out of the fireplace; it was Tonks.
'Oi,' she said, watching them as they stood up and stepped away from each other. 'Er...sorry.'
Lupin came next, and Hermione and Ron both blushed furiously and stepped away from each other, smoothing their bedclothes.
'Good evening,' said Lupin evenly. 'You two are up late.'
'Hi,' Ron mumbled. 'We were just, er...' He glanced at Hermione for help.
'Having tea,' she said, at the same time that he blurted out 'Talking.'
Tonks and Lupin exchanged amused looks.
'Be that as it may,' said Lupin, looking around and clearly noticing the lack of anything to indicate that Ron and Hermione were in fact having tea, 'we've managed to contain the situation at your parents' house.'
'Oh!' said Hermione. 'Good. I...I'd forgotten about that.'
'Me, too,' said Ron. And he had. He wondered if he would remember any detail of this night without someone telling him; perhaps he was already trying to block it out.
'I wonder why,' Tonks muttered. Lupin gave her a look. Tonks threw him a wide-eyed, innocent sort of look back, and then faced Ron and Hermione.
'Turns out the neighbors called the coppers,' she said. 'Bloody nosy bunch, them. They heard all the noise and decided to bring in the law. In any case, Kenneth's in hospital, he should recover just fine. I'm still pissed off at myself for letting my guard down--'
'Tonks, I told you--' said Lupin.
'--but,' she said, as if she didn't hear him, 'we did manage to persuade the police that the disturbance was nothing more than the telly being on too loud and your parents having had a few too many Christmas drinkies. They didn't even get inside the house.'
'The house is clean,' said Lupin. 'We got rid of all the...evidence of the attack and I hid the gun. Kingsley showed up to the house and reset the wards, added a few new ones, and two Aurors were sent to your parents' workplace to increase security there.'
'All that, and no Memory Charms needed,' said Tonks, sounding, if still a bit annoyed with herself, at least satisfied as to the outcome of the whole mess.
'So my parents could go home tomorrow?' said Hermione.
Tonks and Lupin exchanged looks again.
'We'll need to discuss that with your parents,' said Lupin. 'Kingsley thinks it's a bad idea for them to stay in their house, now that the Death Eaters know where it is and were able to get inside.'
'But the new wards--'
'Even if the Death Eaters couldn't ambush your parents at home,' said Lupin, 'they can certainly try while your parents are on their way to work. There's no way to protect them completely if they stay in Uxbridge.'
'Where would they go?' Ron asked.
'For the moment, nowhere,' said Tonks. 'Best they stay here, at least for a few days, so we can figure something out for them. But they'll need to move somewhere else soon.'
'We don't have to talk about this with them now, do we?' Hermione asked, looking fretful.
'No,' said Lupin kindly. 'I think it can keep a few days. Your parents are probably too far gone on Molly's tea right now, at any rate.'
'Thank you both,' said Hermione, smiling weakly. 'If you hadn't come when you did...'
'We're alive and in one piece,' said Lupin, giving Tonks an affectionate look. 'That's what matters.'
Tonks took a breath and looked at him, and Ron saw something pass between them that was very familiar to him now.
'It's very late,' said Lupin at last. 'We should all try to get some rest.'
He gave Ron a pointed look; clearly, he had no intention of leaving them alone in the kitchen, and yet Ron knew it wasn't because his former professor disapproved, so much as Lupin's desire to protect them from being discovered by anyone else.
'Okay,' said Ron, giving Hermione's shoulder a gentle squeeze.
'Tonks, I'll need to look at your shoulder--'
'It's fine, Remus,' Tonks said impatiently, as they all started out of the kitchen.
'No arguments,' said Lupin firmly.
Ron and Hermione looked at one another and smiled.
It had been the worst Christmas of his life, and yet, she was here, beside him, and she loved him, and didn't blame him, and he loved her. His family was here, and alive, and so was her family.
There was something to that.
The next week passed faster than Ron would have expected, and though he was glad for it, at the same time he didn't much relish returning to Hogwarts. For the first time in his life he realized how isolated everyone was at the school: isolated from family and news and everything else.
He meditated frequently, to no real benefit. Everything he saw seemed, at least on the surface, to be meaningless to him--images of Muggles were everywhere, and he knew none of them--but he wrote everything down dutifully in his diary, and reported to Lupin whenever he could. It was difficult, though, to convey information in private in this house. His parents still didn't know his secret, and neither did most of his family. Kingsley Shacklebolt had informally taken on a leadership role within the Order, along with Mr. Weasley, but Ron was certain he couldn't confide in either of them. His father was too close; Kingsley, not close enough. Lupin was the best choice, except that he disappeared for a few days in the middle of the week, owing to the full moon.
He confided in Hermione, Harry and Ginny about his many dreams and visions, and Hermione dutifully recorded them in her ever expanding list, which seemed to be getting beyond manageable. Ron mentioned the vision of Pansy, but Hermione agreed with Ron's assessment that it meant nothing. Considering Ron also had a vision of Ernie MacMillan working in the library, it was clear that Ron's abilities were only growing stronger, in that he was beginning to see more and more mundane things. Ron made a mental note to ask Firenze how he could better focus his mental energies, because the more pointless images he saw, the more nervous he became. If he couldn't see something useful, he was no good to anyone.
And yet, but for the attack on the Grangers, there was silence from Voldemort's side. Nobody thought this was a good thing.
Hermione, for her part, spent most of her time with her parents, who seemed to be coping as well as they could with their new circumstances. But the entire situation was strained for everyone. She found almost no time to spend with Ron, and any hope for privacy in the house was fruitless. In any case, Ron decided it was probably for the best that he didn't have any alone time with Hermione; such things were a distraction, and he needed to focus, he needed to be sure he was doing all he could to stay on top of his responsibilities.
The worst part of it all was that they were house-bound for the whole week. The weather was partly responsible--it turned frigid, and sleet pelted London for several days. But security was the other reason, particularly since the Grangers were in the house. Lupin insisted that the Grangers, Ron, Hermione, Harry and Ginny all stay indoors. Nobody much liked this at all, but Hermione--always trying to find something positive about an unpleasant situation--suggested they use the time to get caught up, and get ahead, on their studies.
'And there's career counseling,' Hermione said, trying to sound. 'Apparently all sorts of people come to talk to the seventh years about what careers they're interested in. I still don't know what I want to do, though; I've got all the letters of recommendation I need but actually choosing one thing is so difficult.'
Both Ron and Harry assured Hermione she could do whatever she wanted to do, but none of them mentioned what they were really thinking: that they would be lucky to survive the war and have careers at all.
Nobody argued, however, with Hermione's logic about doing homework; they all spent much of their time studying. Ron, as a result, got all his homework done ahead of time; for the first time, he wouldn't have to cram when he got back to school.
It was two days before Ron and the others returned to Hogwarts that Lupin, along with Kingsley Shacklebolt, Tonks, and an aide to Minister Bones came to the house to announce that they had made plans to secure the Grangers' safety. Lupin took the Grangers to the kitchen; Hermione, Ron, Harry and Ginny were forbidden from attending. The Grangers protested their daughter's forced absence, but Kingsley, not unkindly, told them it was the safest course; if their daughter didn't know where they were, she couldn't be forced to tell anyone. This convinced the Grangers to agree to be told in private.
Hermione, however, was not appeased, and immediately tried to come up with a way to eavesdrop. Her first inclination was to use the twins' new and improved Extendable Ears, but Ginny shook her head.
'Won't work,' she said. 'The kitchen door is sealed, and Mum put up even tougher charms on it.'
'Surely I can try--' Hermione said.
'Trust me, it's no good,' said Ginny. 'Fred told me he's got Mum helping him and George now with their inventions. She's the one who comes up with counter-measures, so they can keep improving their products. There's no way you'll hear anything going on in that meeting.'
And so Hermione was left to fret about her parents' fate. Ron, for his part, couldn't help but agree with Kingsley and Lupin. After the narrow escape on Christmas night, Ron didn't think it was wise to take chances with spreading around too much information.
After a few hours, Lupin appeared in the parlor, to find Hermione pacing, Ginny attempting a Potions essay, and Ron and Harry playing a half-hearted game of chess.
'Where are Mum and Dad?' Hermione asked at once.
'They wanted some time to talk things through, alone,' said Lupin. 'Which is fine, because I need to discuss some things with you, and it's best if they're not here.'
At this, Lupin turned and aimed his wand at the parlor door; it closed behind him with a soft click and locked; he then set another Locking Charm, as well as a Silencing Charm.
'Where's Tonks?' Ron asked.
'She, Kingsley and Mr. Forrester--that's one of Madam Bones's top aides--have gone back to the Ministry to file a report. Tonks will be back later,' said Lupin.
He looked at all of them, and cleared his throat.
'Perhaps we should all sit down,' he suggested. Lupin looked tired, and there were dark circles under his eyes. He hadn't bothered to shave for the past few days, Ron noticed, and there was more grey in his three-days-old beard than before.
Everyone else sat, and Lupin spoke.
'Before we let you know what's happening,' he said, 'there's something we have to talk about. Kingsley and Tonks have been analyzing the situation with regard to the attack on your parents' home, Hermione. Do you remember if you or Ron mentioned to anyone else, apart from anyone in this room, your plans for you and Ron to stay in Uxbridge?'
Ron and Hermione looked at each other for a moment; Ron knew he hadn't said anything to anyone.
'No,' said Hermione, and Ron nodded his agreement.
'You're sure?' said Lupin.
'Yes,' said Ron. 'We didn't say anything.'
Lupin let out a breath and sat back.
'This isn't good,' he said, and he turned to Ron and Hermione. 'We believe the Death Eaters knew you would be there. That's why they chose that night to attack.'
'But...how could they have known?' said Hermione. 'If only the people in this room knew--'
'We believe someone must have fed Voldemort the information,' said Lupin gravely.
'A spy,' said Harry, and he looked at Ron, and then at Hermione and Ginny.
'Someone from Hogwarts,' Ron added.
'It's looking that way,' said Lupin.
'But how?' said Ginny. 'We've been really careful, Professor, we haven't said anything to anyone.'
'I know, Ginny,' said Lupin, 'but Kingsley and Tonks have been very thorough in checking people on this end. As of now it looks like the only possibility is someone at Hogwarts. And no, it's not Severus Snape. He has used up his second chances with Voldemort. And it's not Griselda Hopkirk, either, just in case you might have wondered.'
'You know Hopkirk?' said Harry.
'Professor Hopkirk, and yes, I do,' said Lupin.
'Why didn't you say so before?' said Harry, sounding a bit exasperated.
'You never asked,' said Lupin evenly. 'In any case, I should think all of you, and I, are a bit too busy to concern ourselves with the past. Trust me, Harry, my knowing Griselda means nothing to what must be done in the here and now. I never meant to keep it from you, it simply never came up.'
Harry pursed his lips and frowned, but he nodded, and let the subject drop.
'So,' said Lupin, 'it appears our next task must be to find a spy in Hogwarts. The problem is narrowing down the field.'
'We have a few people in mind,' said Harry darkly.
'Draco Malfoy, I presume,' said Lupin. 'Possible, I suppose, but not all that probable, considering his circumstances.'
'His father's a Death Eater,' said Harry. 'Maybe they had their falling out but that doesn't mean Draco has given up on the idea. Maybe he wants to try redeeming himself in front of Voldemort, and spying on us is the way to do it.'
'The "falling out" Draco had with his father resulted in Lucius turning over his son to be murdered at the hands of Voldemort's supporters,' said Lupin, shaking his head.
'Either way,' said Ginny, interrupting Harry, who looked about to argue, 'we don't know. But I can find out.'
Lupin eyed her. 'Are you sure that's wise?'
'Malfoy trusts me,' said Ginny, screwing up her face in distaste, 'however creepy that is. And Mrs. Tonks is looking out for me. Maybe she can help.'
'Not a bad idea,' said Lupin.
'Not a good one, either,' Harry mumbled.
'Harry, we don't have a choice,' said Ginny. 'Things are getting serious.'
'You don't have to remind me of that, Gin,' said Harry irritably. 'I know, okay?'
'Easy, Harry,' said Lupin softly. 'Ginny's right. For the record, I'm not totally comfortable with it, either.'
Harry sighed. 'Sorry, Ginny,' he said, looking at her apologetically.
'It's okay,' she said, and she took his hand.
'So,' said Lupin, 'Malfoy is a suspect. Anyone else?'
'Theodore Nott,' said Ron at once. 'He said something about Charlie before we came home, seemed to know what happened. And his father's a Death Eater, too.'
'Nott, Sr. has never struck me as being a leader in the Death Eater ranks,' said Lupin.
'Maybe not,' said Ron, 'but Theodore's kind of taken over Draco's old crew. Maybe Theodore wants to be a leader in the Death Eater ranks.'
'And Pansy Parkinson,' said Harry.
Hermione let out a snort.
'You're joking, Harry,' she said.
'No, I'm not,' said Harry. 'She and Malfoy are close. Really close. Malfoy might have told her something.' Ginny gave him a look, and he added, 'Or maybe he hasn't yet, but he could. And just because her parents might not be running around with Voldemort doesn't mean she wouldn't.'
'Harry, think about it logically,' said Hermione. 'Draco is persona non grata in Slytherin at the moment. Do you really think she'd be hanging around him if she were a Death Eater training? For what purpose? She can't get close to any of us, and what meaningful information does Draco have about us that he could pass along? Not to mention she doesn't have enough brains to fill an egg cup.'
'Ron had that vision about her, though,' said Harry.
'She was stirring a potion in a cauldron,' said Ron. 'We see her do that all the time. It doesn't mean anything.'
'Are you sure about that?'
Ron was about to argue, but stopped. Was he sure? It seemed ridiculous. Pansy Parkinson? She had never done anything but play the simpering, dumb female companion to Draco. She certainly hadn't been anywhere near the scene at the Riddle House, all those months ago.
'She saw me have that vision a few months back, at the Halloween ball,' Ron said. 'Remember?'
'And it wasn't all that long after that that Voldemort found out there was a Seer working against him,' said Harry.
'Oh, really!' said Hermione impatiently, and she got up and began to pace. 'You think Pansy would have been able to figure out Ron was a Seer just by witnessing him having what looked like nothing more than a seizure?'
'The boys have a point, Hermione,' said Lupin. 'Ginny, is it possible for you to find out anything about Pansy from Draco?'
'I already know some things,' Ginny said warily.
'I know normally you'd want to keep his trust,' said Lupin, 'however...strange the concept might seem, but where this is concerned...'
Ginny swallowed. 'He said...he and Pansy sometimes have sex, and that she's his only real friend. Except that sometimes he can't stand being around her. He says she's manipulative.'
'And he's such an honest, upfront sort of bloke,' said Ron sarcastically.
'He's not,' said Ginny, 'but he can't hide stuff from me, either. I can tell when he's lying or covering something. I asked him if he confides in Pansy about things--I mean, really personal things--and he said no. I didn't get any sense he was lying about that.'
Lupin seemed satisfied with this; Harry looked a bit disgruntled, but then, Ron felt the same way. He didn't at all like the idea of Ginny having to spend any time with Draco.
'What about Nott?' said Lupin.
'We could always try Polyjuice Potion again,' said Ron, shrugging. 'Pretend to be Crabbe and Goyle.'
Lupin gave a little laugh. 'When did you lot use Polyjuice?'
'Oh,' said Ron, realizing he had just blurted out a major instance of rule-breaking to their former professor. 'Er, I meant, we could just try it...you know...'
Hermione shook her head. 'We used it in second year to see if Draco was the Heir of Slytherin. I made it.'
'Somehow that doesn't surprise me,' said Lupin. 'That's actually not a terrible idea, Ron, except that brewing Polyjuice Potion takes time, time we don't have.'
'Right,' said Ron.
'We could try using Glamour Charms,' said Hermione.
'You mean you could,' said Harry. 'I'm not very good at those.'
'And they kind of hurt,' said Ron.
'Of course, there's always a certain cloak and map available,' said Lupin, and Harry and Ron couldn't help but grin, and Ron wondered that they were discussing, with their old professor, how best to break the rules in order to spy on their fellow students.
'The cloak doesn't really work for Ron anymore,' said Harry, 'since he turned into a giant--'
'Hey! I'm not that tall!'
'--but I can use it,' Harry went on. 'In fact, maybe it's better if I just do this one alone. It'll be easier to follow Nott around that way.'
'Are you sure that's wise, Harry?' said Hermione nervously. 'If you got caught--'
'Hermione, I'm supposed to destroy Voldemort,' said Harry. 'I think I can take on Nott and those two lumps.'
'You should be careful all the same, Harry,' said Lupin.
'Professor...' Hermione said.
'Please, call me Remus,' said Lupin.
'Er, Remus,' said Hermione, 'what if the spy is someone else? I mean, maybe it's not a student, or a Slytherin at all.'
'You're right, of course,' said Lupin. 'It could be someone else entirely, someone we haven't considered. But this is a start; at the very least we can eliminate these students from contention if they're not involved.'
'What if it's a teacher?' said Ron, remembering first year and Professor Quirrell.
'Don't think we haven't considered that as well,' said Lupin. 'But we're working on that part. Don't worry about it. I don't want to burden you all too much; you still have to do your schoolwork and focus on those end-of-year exams. And of course...'
'Find a way to rid the world of Voldemort once and for all,' said Harry dryly.
'Yes, that too,' said Lupin. 'And for now, Ron, Ginny...Professor McGonagall and I think it best that you two keep your gifts to yourselves. I understand the desire to tell your family, but it's safer if they don't know.'
Lupin didn't have to elaborate why; Ron swallowed. If any of his family members knew about him being a Seer, and they were subsequently taken by Death Eaters, the information could be tortured out of them.
'R-Remus,' said Hermione slowly. 'What about my parents?'
'Ah,' said Lupin, and he looked at her sadly. 'I'm afraid, Hermione, I must be silent on the details of our plans to help them, for the same reason Ron and Ginny must keep quiet about their unique skills.'
'You're not going to tell me anything?' said Hermione. 'About where they're going?'
'We can't,' said Lupin.
'But--'
'Please, understand, Hermione,' said Lupin, leaning forward. 'Your parents are in terrible danger. They have to go to a secure location, but it's only truly secure if you don't know where they are. Safer for them and for you.'
Tears filled Hermione's eyes, and she nodded; she reached for Ron's hand, and he took it.
'Can I talk to them?' she asked.
'Of course,' said Lupin. 'Hermione, I'm so very sorry about this. This isn't easy on any of you, I know. But your parents have agreed to it, not just for their sake but for yours.'
'I can write to them, anyway,' said Hermione, shrugging.
'Actually, no, you can't,' said Lupin. 'That's part of the arrangement. All contact between you and your parents has to be suspended. They won't be hooked up to the Floo Network in a way that you can reach them. And owls, as we all know, can be intercepted.'
The tears in Hermione's eyes began to fall. 'I can't write to them...or talk to them...ever?'
'For as long as they're in hiding, no, you can't,' said Lupin.
Hermione sniffed, and pursed her lips. 'I don't believe this,' she whispered.
Ron felt a new wave of guilt rush through him, and he looked at Lupin miserably.
'Are you sure it has to be this way?' he asked.
'I'm afraid so, Ron,' he said. 'And you shouldn't blame yourself. Nobody should blame anyone here for what's happened. It was a foregone conclusion that we would have to take this step at some point, with Hermione's parents. That time appears to be now.'
'W-when are they leaving?'
'They'll leave on the day you go back to school,' said Lupin. 'Two days.'
Hermione spent the next two days entirely with her parents. New Year's Eve was quiet; Mrs. Weasley made a festive meal, and the entire Weasley family was there, as well as Lupin, Tonks and Mad-Eye Moody; Mundungus Fletcher put in an appearance, apparently to talk 'business' with the twins (Mrs. Weasley eyed Mundungus with deep distaste, and clucked her tongue at the twins later, after Fletcher had left).
Fleur seemed to be feeling a bit better; Bill had mentioned that her pregnancy hadn't been easy on her. Ron couldn't help but wonder what they were thinking, having a baby at a time like this, but he tried to be happy for them, because Bill and Fleur looked happy. The twins bragged about their newest, improved Wildfire Whiz-bang fireworks. Charlie was no longer walking on a crutch, but he still had faint bruises and walked with a slight limp.
Ron could hardly call midnight 'ringing in the new year', considering how subdued everyone generally was. What hurt the most, perhaps, was that the brief kiss he shared with Hermione, at midnight, was their first New Year's kiss as a couple, and yet it was tainted by the sadness of what was happening to Hermione's parents.
It was nearly two in the morning when Mrs. Weasley insisted everyone go to bed for the night. Harry and Ginny nonetheless lingered in the kitchen, almost certainly for some privacy; Mr. and Mrs. Weasley didn't protest this.
Hermione and Ron found themselves alone in the parlor for a time, and they didn't speak, or kiss. They simply clung to each other in the dark, trying to make sense of all that had happened, and of all that was coming next.
When Ron finally dragged himself to bed, it was almost three in the morning. Harry was already in bed, sleeping heavily. Ron went through the motions of brushing his teeth and washing his face, before pulling on pyjamas and climbing into his own bed. He was asleep almost at once...
Somewhere in Diagon Alley, people were running, screaming...a chandelier inside Gringott's bank came crashing down as glass windows were smashed...Death Eaters were chasing a group of people down a street...Fred, George and Lee Jordan were in a darkened room, looking carefully at a strange device on a table; there was a flash, and the three of them gave a whoop and high-fived one another...George and Lee and Alicia Spinnet were laughing as they approached the entrance of the joke shop...Ron screamed at them not to go...there was another flash of light, blinding, and the front of the store exploded...Ron fell backward from the impact, screaming George's name as he went...
When Ron landed, he was not in the street, but in a corridor.
'Ron, get up!' Harry urged, tugging on Ron's arm, which stung. Ron looked down to see a long gash along his right forearm. Harry's hand came away from Ron's arm with a smear of blood; the sword of Gryffindor was in Harry's right hand, the blade clean and gleaming...
'This way!' Harry urged, when they reached a fork; the corridor was somewhat familiar...it couldn't be...
Ron started to follow Harry down the right-hand corridor when a voice from behind 'Stop!'
Ron whirled around, but there was no one there.
'You choose wrong,' said the voice. It was not a sinister, but...Ron was sure he knew that voice. The voice compelled Ron to trust...
'Harry, wait!' Ron cried, and he raced after his best mate...
Screams and blood...Harry tumbled forward, clutching his middle...the sword clattered to the floor...more screams...
'No!' Ron was the one screaming. He was falling again, falling toward Harry, falling...
He was in another room, surrounded by windows on all sides. He stared out the windows; it was pitch black outside, but for tiny points of light, far away...the lights came closer, grew bigger...the ground shook...
Ron whirled around and he was in the Potions dungeon; Hermione was brewing something over a small flame; her eyes were tired and red, and almost feverish, as she pinched ingredients carefully into a cauldron...the potion flared and she gave a small cry and burst into tears...Ron moved to comfort her, but when she looked up, it was Pansy he was seeing.
'What do you want, Weasley?' she hissed, giving him a dirty look before returning her attention to her own cauldron, which bubbled with a thick, greenish potion that Ron recognized...
'Weasel...' Ron whirled around again, and Draco Malfoy was there. Pansy laughed; Ron looked back, and Ginny stood next to her, crying silently...
'Ginny!' he cried, rushing to her, but Draco tripped him...Ron went sprawling...
He looked up and saw he was in yet another room, a room he knew he'd never seen before...his hands were covered in blood...his shirt was covered in blood...but he felt no real pain...he couldn't be wounded...whose blood was on his hands? He looked up and Harry was there, holding Gryffindor's sword...the blade was coated dark red. Harry's face was streaked with tears.
'Ron...'
Ron spoke; his voice sounded funny.
'Finish it, Harry...'
The scream from behind penetrated Ron's consciousness; Hermione...
'RON!'
'Ron! RON!'
Ron sat up sharply and cried out, finding himself looking into the green eyes of Harry.
'What?' Ron said dumbly, running a hand through his hair, which was sweaty. He shivered.
'It's morning,' said Harry. 'We're going back to school in an hour. You were just muttering in your sleep.'
'Muttering...' Ron said, shaking his head, and then suddenly it all came rushing back.
'I was dreaming,' he said.
'Obviously,' said Harry.
Ron gaped up at Harry, and suddenly leapt up out of bed.
'Shit!' he hissed.
'Ron, what's wrong?' Harry asked.
Ron didn't answer; instead he grabbed his dream diary and quill and began to scribble furiously; the details of the dream--so vivid, so long, so full of images--were already slipping away.
'Ron?'
'Shut up,' Ron cried, writing, and Harry obeyed, and let Ron finish; it took all of five minutes; Ron's eyes frantically scanned the pages he'd written, and he knew he hadn't remembered everything. Something about Fred and George...and the store...they had invented something new, or were going to...it seemed important...Death Eaters chasing people...a broken chandelier...Pansy and Hermione at their cauldrons...Harry holding a sword...blood on Ron's hands, his shirt...the voice in the corridor...
'Too much,' Ron groaned. 'Too many things happened. I can't remember it all.'
'What, Ron?' Harry said insistently.
Ron looked at Harry. 'My dream,' he said. 'I dunno what it all means, but I know it's bad. I have to find Lupin, right now.'
A/N: Finally, it's done. This one was even harder to write than the last. I appreciate everyone sticking with this story. I have to continue to ask your patience regarding updates. Right now I am extremely busy and I'm lucky to get an hour a day to write; as the story gets more complex I cannot possibly rush things, I must take the proper time and care to ensure that the story works--I have no desire to do a re-write, as I did with BoMLF. As such, updates are just not going to happen as often as I or anyone else would like, and there's nothing I can do about it.