A/N:
Hello Everyone!
I'm sorry to have kept you all waiting! But before we begin, some 'thank yous' are in order: EyesofEmerald, lilyfan, Padfoot-rulz011, The Grim, wotchertonks, Aerandir, Riaelfgirl, Aerlalaith, Yavannie, Dark Vampiresss, The Parrot has ceased to be, Paars Konijn, and esta-gr. Thank you all for reviewing chapter 14!
Chapter 15:
"Kaida…" He tries to cup my face between his hands. The tattered stripes of my robe cling to left hand. I knock his imploring hands away with one fluid motion of my arm. I feel what little strength I have in my limbs fade, as I fall to my side. I can feel his arms around me…to think that I once felt safe in them…now they are like poison upon my body…
"Don't touch me…" I whisper, as mind is dragged under the surface of the conscious world. The forest disappearing into evanescence.
I have to keep running…I can't stop…He'll catch me!
These halls are so narrow…
There's no where to run…
He's coming…
No!
Get away from me!
No!
Don't Touch Me!
No!
My eyes fly open. I am no longer in the Forbidden Forest…I'm in my room, in my coffin, a cloak draped over me. My head stills pounds with perturbation, as I lift the cloak to find myself in a torn robe. I had hoped that it was all just a nightmare. I pull the cloak around me, as I feel my façade of strength crumble and surrender to my tears. I sit up and pull my legs towards my chest as I weep.
I hear someone rise, I turn quickly to see who it may be, my eyes fall on Hagrid. His head is tilted in sympathy as he reaches out to hold me. I feel like a wounded bird in his hands. He coos softly, trying to comfort me, trying to stop the tears.
"There, there, Kaida…. it's all over…yer safe now…" The flow of my tears begin to slow, as I look up into Hagrid's reassuring eyes. I see his mass of shaggy hair shift, as he smiles softly. He pats my head gently with his massive hand. He takes out his spotty handkerchief and holds it to my nose, waiting for me to blow into it. I stare at him blankly. Chuckling, he hands me the handkerchief. "Sorry, 'bout that… d'you mind if I go check on Buckbeak quickly?"
I shake my head. At this point, I just want to be alone…
"You sure?"
I nod…my voice seems to have failed me; like it did in the forest…
"If you need anything, send Severus to get me." He gestures to a hunched mass at my desk.
Severus? Severus!
His head between his hands, his elbows buried deep in the mass of papers. I feel a hot surge of anger well inside my shattered spirit. My voice seems to have returned to me, full of rage.
"How dare you come into my room!" My voice rises to a fevered pitch, breaking slightly as it rose higher. He looks up from my desk. His face has taken on a sheen-I'm sure they are remnants of the sweat that once beaded along his brow. He looks at me with an empty look of confusion. "Don't you dare look at me! I never want to feel your eyes upon me again! How could you Severus? I trusted you!"
Feeling my strength return to me, I lunge forward, grabbing a hold of his robe, twisting it into my fists as the dull thud of wood echoes through the room. He lies limply in my grasp, as I shake him vigorously. He has an air of apathy around him. His gaze falls upon my face-eyes dead. I feel Hagrid's hand pull me from him. "Stop it, Kaida! Yeh don't know what yer doin'… Give the man a chance ter explain." With Hagrid restraining me, that is about all I can do.
"C'mon Severus, tell 'er…no time to be humble! Out with it!"
I watch him open his mouth as if to speak…they move wordlessly. Slowly, he finds his voice, with a slight tremble to his words, he tells me, "You fainted…"
Is that all you have to say! That I fainted?"Severus, 'best you be startin' from the beginnin'" His head is bowed, his shoulders hunched, his arms slacked-had I not known better, I would have thought him a puppet.
"Guess it'll be up ter me ter tell yeh. Well, I was out walkin' Fang, when I saw this bright light. I came runnin'. Yeh were on the ground and Severus was tryin' ter drive back a mess o' dementors. But his partonus wasn't strong enough. Those filth dementors started ter close in on yeh. So Severus, put himself in between yeh and them. He tried ter shield yeh from them with himself. Bravest thing I ever saw. For some reason they wanted yeh. Then I saw Severus throw something inter the forest; they chased after it. That's when I saw yeh run into the forest. Severus chased after yeh-he was scared yeh'd run inter them again. I tried ter help…"
I shake my head in disbelief, as my anger languished-more question consuming my thoughts. He tried to protect me? But why had he torn my robe open? At this point, Severus spoke; he seemed to have pulled himself together during Hagrid's story. "It was the pin…"
"The pin?" I ask, notes of confusion dispersed amongst my words.
"The shopkeeper at Borgin and Burkes told me that the pin was a talisman. It had been enchanted with a charm that would protect the wearer against evil. It was supposed to absorb evil, and drive away lycanthropes. I didn't know that it would suck the happiness from the wearer to power itself…." He paused as his voice broke. "I just wanted to protect you from him…to keep him away…I didn't know that it would attack you too… I didn't think that it would attract them…" He looks up at me, with those same imploring eyes that I had seen in the forest. They seemed to beg me to believe them.
"Yeh see, Kaida? It wasn't Severus that attacked yeh-he tried to protect yeh. It was the pin. All that happiness in that pin musta made them hungry dementors crazy. Yer lucky Severus knew what to do…"
I look into Hagrid's face, his black eyes twinkling as he nodded slowly-willing me to believe. I try to approach this situation with what little logic is still at my disposal.
The story makes perfect sense…I didn't actually see Severus do anything, they were only little clips and flashes…and I was so confused and weak, I could have easily assumed a whole slew of things to have happened…yes…it's very logical…it makes perfect sense…
And yet…logic provides so little comfort to me…
I cast my eye onto Severus-he does not move from the little void he has created around himself. His shoulders are still curving inward, his head still bowed. In that instant, he seemed to age tremendously; as he gave into sadness-I could hear his heart beat slowly and irregularly, as though it were unsure if it should go on.
"I'm sorry Kaida… I just wanted to give you something…something to symbolize my feelings for you… I never meant to hurt you…" His sullen expression fills me with guilt and yet I remain weary of him.
"Don't apologize, Severus…" My words are warm and soothing, but my tone is icy and dead. "Thank you for defending me…" I turn from him and settle myself on the cold stone floors. I feel exhausted but my mind remains alert. I feel an amalgam of emotions-guilt, sadness, remorse, and thankfulness, forged together by the fires of anger. My thoughts are still hot with rage, as I try to regain composure, as I try to cool them with logic.
Severus still hangs his head over my desk, staring at nothing. I don't know what to say. I don't know how I should feel. So much has happened…I see Severus in totally different light… It is not so much the fact that I was wrong that keeps me stationary. It is more the fact that I am still coming to terms with what I saw tonight.
I had always thought that I understood Severus; that I knew everything about him-every aspect of his personality, every feeling he could experience. But tonight, he was a paradox.
I never thought that I would ever be frightened of Severus; but tonight I felt sheer terror at the sight of him. I know now, that it was a misunderstanding…but the fact that he has the potential to do so…it sends shivers down my spine.
Perhaps my deification of him is what leads me down this path. His indifference to life was something I wanted. I wanted to look at life with contempt…to keep it at a distance…I wanted to be like Severus, always in control. But tonight, he fell from grace and exposed himself to being only human. Something I fear I too am guilty of.
Severus…we are more alike now then ever before, dear brother…I rise from the safety of the floor and walk to Severus. His forearms rest shoulder-width apart on the paper-strewn surface of my desk, his fists clenched lightly. I place my hand over his, slipping my fingers between the curl of his fingers and the curve of his palm. He squeezes my hand, silently lamenting the evening's events. He looks up at me. I stare into the obsidian of his eyes, their watery surface glowing with emotions. "I thought I had lost you tonight…I was so scared that I had lost you forever…."
"For a moment you did…" I whisper sombrely, "…but I found my way back…"
"It's bin a long night, we best be gettin' some rest…" Hagrid rose from his seat on the stairs and ushered Severus out of my chambers.
My eyes follow them as they disappear past the wooden door. As I turn to my desk, I notice watermarks dispersed upon the sheets of paper. The once uniformly lined words now bleed and run. I brush aside the damp rolls of parchment to reveal my journal. The ink upon its pages bleed as well, like a watery dagger had been plunged into their inky hearts.
Could Severus have been crying? Could he have been crying for me?Leaving the journal amongst the papers, I crawl into my coffin. Tonight has been riddled with ironies that even my tired mind cannot ignore.
In one night, I had turned from hunter into prey.
In one night, I had watched an idol become mortal.
In one night, I had become lost.
In one night, I came to understand.
As I lay in my coffin willing myself to sleep, I thought about Severus-I thought about his mortality. As I pondered the implications of the change I saw in him tonight, I came to realize that it is his humanity that frightened me. That he was no longer infallible. That he was human. It is not Severus that scared me-it is being human! It is feeling things I cannot control…it is the surrender to emotions…that is what frightens me…