Dead Blonde Skank" By: fReDAnD GEoRGeWeASleY ArE gODs
Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter or its characters. They belong to our queen J. K. Rowling and its product of her marvellous imagination. Call us sometime babe. ^_~ We just own the plot and the people we want to shag.
A/N: This piece of creative writing has come to our perverted minds while thinking of useful ways to kill our brother (who's name is undisclosed). We very hope is of your liking. If some lady out there is a beta, please contact us! Now on with the story mate!
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"No kidding, is it true?"
"Wow, so young…Pity, huh?"
That's what I heard everywhere I walked. I didn't really cared though. I stopped believing in the Daily Prophet long time ago. What had happened, I don't know. As I said I don't care. I looked at my watch… I was getting impatient. Harry said he would be here at 10:30…its 10:45…Oh well, boys will be boys.
My cell phone rang. Yes, I have a cell phone in the wizarding world. I believe they are sometimes more effective than owls.
"HELLOOOO…ANYBODY??? HERMIONE YOU THERE???
Unmistakable voices. It was Fred and George. Ever since they opened the joke-slash-candy shoppe they have been a little…well annoying. They want me to pull the perfect prank to Ron, since I look, and quote "Virginal… innocent." Lucky me, they don't know that I always wanted to shag their older brother Bill.
"You don't have to yell, you know, I'm not deaf.
"Sorry Mione, this muggle crap isn't really our thing. Anyways my princess…"
There he goes. All "Mr. Suave".
"We have just received a shipment of the new generation of fake wands. It's so real; you can't even tell the difference! It's designed to "transfigurate" into the exact replica of the one to prank, in this case, Ron's wand."
Fred took the phone this time. "When you command the desired curse, other one will come out… and attack directly to the person holding the wand. It'll be great at a quidditch match; it will leave our lovely brother with a beautiful shade of pink in his face! He will look…marvellous!"
My little inner devil popped out…Just imagine, Ron the Show-off, doing the ridiculous firework show he always does at quidditch matches, getting blown-up by his own wand in front of his team!
"Guys…"
"Oh c'mon Hermione, you know he deserves it!"
"I'll think about it."
"YOU ARE GREAT! WE JUST LOVE YOU! YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS---" I cut them off. No more kiss-assing for today.
I looked around. I was really getting annoying. Wizards and Witches were now acting way too weird…forming little groups and chatting, strike that, debating what it appeared to be a hot topic. I wondered, what has happened. My little brain instantly started working…and fast. Had Harry defeated Voldemort and I haven't been informed? My thoughts were utterly interrupted…
"Mione, we need to talk" Harry whispered in my ear. "But not here, elsewhere…dicreet."
"Then where?" I stated.
"In muggle London." The green-eyed boy's face cringed. He hated muggle London. I eyed him suspiciously. 'What in Hades name is he up to?'
Harry walked me to the end of Diagon Alley, guiding me by the waist. We entered a small café in the outskirts of Diagon Alley. Safe enough.
"What's wrong Harry, did you defeat You-Know-Who?"
"No." He scoffed. I looked at my best friend. From 71/2 years of experience, I just knew when something was wrong.
"Hermione…you need to get out of here. We need to get out of here." Harry said dead serious and rather nervous.
"WHAT?!" I kind of yelled.
Harry opened his two emerald-green eyes at me. They were almost bolting out of his face. Quite funny.
I continued, lowering my voice "What's the matter? This is no time to run away from You-Know-Who, not now after graduating, its far more easier now to take him out, and plus with the new plan…"
I was cutted out.
"Hermione, this isn't about Voldemort. Didn't you know? Haven't the Ministry contacted you yet?" Harry said referring to the fact that I work at the Homicide-Suicide Department.
"Harry, know what honey?" I raised him a quizzical brow.
He leaned closer and said in an almost faint whisper "Draco Malfoy is dead."
"Wow. Somebody's got some balls to do that. How heroic." I blurted out. Harry just looked at me dumbfounded.
"Hermione! How could you just say that? The guy's DEAD! C'mon, I know he was evil and stuff but still…"
Why the hell Harry cared that Malfoy was dead? "Murdered?" I interrogated him.
"Hermione, this is not good. He was killed in a church, suffocated with a maroon and golden scarf and left with a note that said: "For all you've done to us you crazy-ferret-fucker!" How more obvious can you get!"
Harry was in the border of a stroke by now. He reminded by of my father, when his favourite soccer team lost a match. He needed .20mg of Prozac after that.
He continued "Doesn't it seem a little ODD that he was murdered not on a raid, but in a CHURCH, with a bloody MAROON AND GOLDEN STRIPPED SCARF and left with a BLOODY NOTE! How positively more GRYFFINDOR CAN IT GET!" He exhaled frantically.
How discreet. Harry was openly talking about a murder and about Gryffindor in a muggle café. The people there were obviously staring. I smiled at the costumers and mouthed to them 'He's schizophrenic.'
"Harry…" I tried to sound as cool as possible "Doesn't it seem a little odd to you that he was killed in a church? Since when Malfoy is so religious anyway!"
"Was. He's dead."
"Oh get over it Harry!"
Silence struck for a couple of minutes. I was doing my brainstorming.
"Then Harry, what's the fucking point of us getting out of London. I mean, he's no longer a menace to society." I snickered.
"Hermione, how can you be so…so…morbid?! Look, the Ministry will start looking for suspects, and we haven't got a clean record at Hogwarts. We just graduated six months ago! The first thing they'll look is for possible enemies of his! And besides, who were the ones who called him "ferret", we were!!
At this point, Harry was hyperventilating.
"Whoa, calm down mate! All Aurors are possible suspects! The scarf…that's just a bloody scarf, everyone likes maroon and yellow! Look" I pointed at a young muggle "Even that muggle has one! Listen Harry; let's take this as an advantage. Whatever possible threat Malfoy is, now his not! And besides why go hysterics if we didn't kill him!"
I looked at Harry's face. It looked somehow…different.
"Didn't we Harry?"
He sighed. "Guess you're right."
"I'm always right. Now let's go because I got to get to work pronto. Are you sure you're going to be ok?"
"Yeah." He whispered.
"See you handsome." I exited the café and got out of muggle sight. Then I apparated to my office in the Ministry.
I got to my office. Shit, I'm late! My boss is gonna kill me or worse…fire me! Relax…deep breath. Fake smile. Check.
"Miss Granger, how nice to see you here. I see you have decided to change your working hours. Let me give you an advice. You just got here; don't even think of disrespecting my authority and my standards dear because you, unlike me, are totally DISPOSABLE."
That's Mr. Dick, my boss. How ironic. His name suits him so well. He reminds me so much of Snape. He is just as greasy as the Potions git, and has the same I'm-the-shit attitude. This guy is even more hopeless than Snape. He is fat, bald, and shorter than me; he has an egg-like body shape and he spits when he talks. And that facial grease. I can't stand that.
"I am most sorry Mr. Dick. I promise it won't happen again."
"Don't you worry dear, cause it won't! Now on to the new, you and Mr. Finnegan will handle the Malfoy case. Did you know Miss Granger that he was murdered or you were too busy painting your toes?" The slimy-bald egg addressed to me.
"Yes, I'm acquainted of the news sir."
Someone knocked in the door. It was Seamus.
"Good morning sir, Hermione" Seamus said flashing a smile that even Lockhart could not compete with. Why the hell was he so happy anyway?
"You two…" The rest was blurry. The bloody egg has just officially spitted in my eye.
"Hermione, you ok?" Seamus hurried to my side. My eyes looked possessed, they were two red orbs now. What the hell did that guy had for saliva? Fucking poison?
"Don't worry, it's my lens…it shifted."
"Now get to work you amateurs!" The walking egg left the office. Seamus started laughing.
"It's not funny Finnegan. Next time I'll bring goggles so my eyes are protected."
"Hermione did you really heard? Malfoy's dead! Isn't that great! That
asshole, he deserved that and much more…hahahaha…"
Now this was morbid. So, I was ok with Malfoy's death, but Finnegan is fucking thrilled!
"Okay. We better get going or that greasy egg is going to fire us both."
Later on we apparated in what was a church for wizards who believed in the existence of Jesus. It was full of Ministry officers and yellow tape that said MINISTRY LINE, DO NOT CROSS, and then it changed to CRIME SCENE. It was a dimly lit place, medium-sized, with several wood benches and an altar. Malfoy's body was spread in one of the front-row benches, with a scarf hanged loosely around his neck and the note at his side. The sight was…disturbing. Even dead, Malfoy seemed evil. He had his eyes closed…strange. When you get strangled, don't you leave your eyes opened?
"Seamus, strangle me."
"Hermione, leave your suicidal thoughts for a minute."
"Just do it, I want to prove myself wrong. I don't want you to kill me, just strangle me for a minute."
"Okay…"
Seamus putted his hands around my neck. His grip was just…so soft. What the hell does he think he has to do, massage my neck?
"Seamus that grip is just pussy. DO IT LIKE A MAN!"
Now he was gripping. Try it yourself. When you get strangled, your eyes are opened, giving you a clear vision of your enemy. It's fucking reflexes.
"S-eam--us---st-o-pp." I gargled. He was killing me!
"Pleased?"
He looked pissed. Never mess with a man's "manhood".
"Thanks Seamus, now go to work."
"Draco Aristotle Malfoy. Male, White, 6'2, 157 pounds, Blonde hair, Blue eyes. Killed at 8:30 pm of yesterday." Seamus taped this information in a tiny recorder.
"Hermione is there anything more you want to check out?" Seamus suggested.
"Seamus, where's the priest?"
"Oh he said he was dropping by in about…umm…4 hours. Church business."
I examined the body. I carefully opened his eyes. This was weird. Didn't Malfoy have grey eyes? Got to check that out.
"Seamus, where's his wand?"
Seamus swallowed hard. "I dunno. Let me check it out." Seamus revised all the pockets in his cloak. Nothing.
"He didn't bring any briefcase…a wallet?"
"Oh here it is!" Seamus said bringing me the wand, an agenda and his wallet.
"Well, I guess that's it. Take this to Forensics and let them have it check for any prints or hair. Ok?"
"Yes my fair lady."
"Seamus, you take care of the evidence, I have to talk to some people first. I'll join you soon."
"Ok."
My first step is to find out what the fuck Malfoy did yesterday. I open his wallet. How cute. A picture of him and Parkinson naked. Sick. That's were I have to go. To Parkinson's house.
As I walk down the street and enter the condominium I see a very familiar face. It was Ginny.
"Ginny!" I shouted to grab her attention. She quickly wiped her face and came running to me. I hugged her hard.
"Ginny what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at school?" I gently raised her face. She was really crying.
"What's wrong honey?"
"It's just…*sniff*…He's…*sniff*"
"Oh its ok honey, take your time."
She looked at me for a while. It seems she was thinking of something.
"I'm supposed to be at Hogwarts but Mum and Dad went to Romania again and I didn't want to stay at the holidays all alone in there so I went to The Burrow and no one was home so *sniff* I went to the city to pass the time." The redhead told me more calmly.
"Look honey this is what I want you to do. I want you to take this keys, go to my apartment and stay there until I get back, you hear me? Don't go outside. There's coffee and some food in the fridge. I have to work on Malfoy's case …"
I was, once again, interrupted. She just exploded. She was crying inaccessibly.
"Go now; I'll be back soon, alright?"
"Yes. Thanks Mione. OH MERLIN! *sniff*"
I watched her retreat. She couldn't be just crying because her parents weren't home, besides she knows better. She could've gone to the twin's shoppe at the Hogsmeade Station. She looked altered. Whatever, back to work.
I knocked on the door a few time until a very screechy voice replied
"Who is it?"
"Miss Parkinson, is Hermione Granger from the Homicides Department, can you step outside a moment?"
"Mudblood?"
Oh fuck. How I hate that name. But what bothers me the most is that the so-called "purebloods" don't posses half of my abilities or my brains. They have no right in putting me down.
"Come in."
Was that Parkinson? She looked like a wreck. Shit, I don't wanna see her in 10 years. She just would be unrecognizable! Not that I care, of course.
"Granger. So nice to see you. *sniff*
"Same here Miss Parkinson" 'Bitch'
"Sit down. So, what brings you here?"
Wasn't that obvious? Oh god, her brain is the size of a snitch. "Well, I expect that by now you've been told of Draco Malfoy's death. Am I right?"
She looked at me. A long time. How long does it take her to think?!
"OH HERMIONE! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I HAD TO SUFFER! YOU KNOW, IT WAS NOT EASY TO HAVE A GOOD LOOKING FIANCE!"
O-Kay? Did she just call me Hermione? Did she just imply that I can't get a good-looking man?! The nerve with this woman! And what's with the little outburst anyway? Do I look like a shrink?
"OH MY SALAZAR SLYTHERIN, WHAT BURDEN DID YOU PUT UPON MY SHOULDERS…OHHHHH!!!!" The blonde girl threw herself to my shoulders giving me a bear hug.
"Ok Pansy, can I call you Pansy?"
"Of course!"
"Tell me about your burden."
After 2 hours of continuous blabbing about Malfoy she got to the fucking point.
"And well, I was at my boutique talking to my friends about the newest trends when closing time comes. I closed the store and came directly home, to give Drakey a surprise. When I come home…how can I say this…I found him…*sniff*…"
"Yes?" This was so much fun!
"…shagging a redhead in there" She said pointing somewhere, but since her fingers were shaking I couldn't make up where the hell was.
"Where?"
"RIGHT THERE WHERE YOU'RE SITTING!"
EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! I JUST SAT IN MALFOY'S SHAGGING PLACE. HOW FUCKING NASTY!
I instantly move to the other side of the couch. This was too much. It was going to take at least a mug of black coffee to tranquilize myself.
"And then what happened Pansy?" Oh this is way too good! Now she's going to tell me how she castrated him and choked him.
"So I left the apartment. They were so consumed in their shagging that neither of them saw me. I thought that if I waited an hour this thing I was imaging will just disappear. But it didn't! I came back and…"
"And?" This time I was afraid to ask. Where else could Malfoy have sex?
"And I saw them…doing it…69!!!"
"OH, WHAT A SKANK!" I blurted out.
"In there…"
"Oh don't tell me…let me guess…where I'm sitting?"
"Yes."
At this moment, I decide to remain stand. What if they did it anywhere else?
"Pansy…" I have to control this woman in order to take some information out. "What happened next?"
"Well, I threw that whore out and I started arguing with Drakey…until he took some of his things and left. He told me I would never see him again and I told him that I would make sure that it happened."
It was silent for a minute.
"Pansy…look at me. You are beautiful. The Draco you knew is now gone and he can't make you suffer anymore. So, don't drop vain tears for that jerk who only purpose in life was shagging. Now, you go, have a nice hot bath, fix yourself…and go out! Find a man who isn't afraid of shagging YOU."
That was a weird mixture of a muggle flick and some reverse-psychology.
"OH HERMIONE, YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND! Would you go out with me tomorrow?"
"Errr…of course!" Remember all of this is in the name of research!
"We'll then I'll see you tomorrow!" I literally ran to the door.
"Oi! Wait Hermione! My card! Here are all my phones. Call me!"
WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO!!!
A/N: Please we just want 3 things from you guys: First, tell us does it suck or is it worth of updating? Second, is Hermione acting like a chick? We are having our doubts about that. If you have any suggestions please e-mail us @ fredandgeorgeareshagginglords@hotmail.com
And third, please, we can be your sex slaves if you want, but please review!!!
ShAg On!!!
FrEd & gEoRgE