Last time on "Dead Blonde Skank":
"Silver eyes." I whispered in amazement.
Realization struck me. Reality spanked me in the arse. I opened my eyes to this new vision.
"Fucking Malfoy." I said in a faint whisper, barely inches from his face.
Open wide smirk from him. "Fancy seeing you again Granger."
_________________________)*)____________________________
"But--but you're supposed to be dead! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A DEAD BLONDE…SKANK!!!"
"Oh please! I like to think of myself as resurrected."
Maybe Longbottom was right; maybe all I needed to find was Jesus. Or at least something resurrected.
"Wait. I KNEW IT! I FUCKING KNEW IT! WHY IN THE BLOODY HELL DIDN'T I TRUST MY INSTINCTS?!"
"Calm down Granger. Breathe."
"I CANNOT CALM DOWN! YOU--YOU ALWAYS GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING!" I stood up abruptly. I had hyperventilated by now.
"Bloody hell Granger; are you in your knickers?" Malfoy said quite amused, tilting his head to one side and lifting up my cloak.
How the hell did he notice that I took off my pants!!! "SOD OFF!"
"You better keep you voice down woman, or someone might take you to St. Mungo's. Not that I mind though."
He was right; I was making quite a scene here. But hell, who wouldn't?!
I sat down.
Breathe Hermione, breathe. I needed to come up with a plan.
Bloody Gryffindor, I'm so brilliant! I decided to go all tough on this one. I looked at him square in the eye.
"Perfect crime, huh?" He said to me with that hideous smirk of his.
"Ha ha ha!" I laughed like a maniac. Seriously, I must've looked like Filch. "You won't get away with it ferret, you're so-called plan has its flaws. You're screwed."
"Oh really? Enlighten me Granger."
"You see, dear, the first mistake was the eyes. You have silver eyes and the corpse has blue eyes."
I heard him muttering something, which I believe was the word "Shit."
"Not like anyone would pay attention to that." He smiled proudly.
"Not only that, but you "passed away" with your eyes closed. You see, when someone gets strangled, choked or suffocated a flashy ninety-seven percent of the people die with their eyes opened. You're against the odds Malfoy." I smiled like I used to on those Gryffindor days. "Wanna see?"
I threw myself across the table, and started to choke Malfoy. Oh, seven years of torment that has finally paid off.
"--Gerrofff!!" He managed to say. He touched his neck.
"Well ok, maybe I'm of the selected group of three percent."
"Oh please! Just let me ask you something Malfoy."
"Yes, I too find myself desirable."
I scoffed. Egomaniac!
"Why the hell did you choose such a… dishonourable way to die? I mean, getting murdered by a Gryffindor; how low of a pure-blooded Slytherin like yourself!"
"You see my dearest Granger; it seems that your brain is malfunctioning today. It would've been lower to die in a bloody raid by filthy Auror hands. In addition to that, St. Dumbledore and St. Potty would've taken all the fucking glory and my death would've been a total mockery to both sides. In the eyes of the wizarding world it would be more, dare I say, tragic if I was murdered in a Wizards Who Believe in Jesus Congregation, practising my religion, killed by some heartless scum. Of course, I, being the gentleman I am, didn't want to use my wand in front of Jesus so I fought bravely mano a mano. Oh, and the best part? A Gryffindor is taking the dirt all the way to Azkaban. See Granger, my plan is flawless. The Ministry is so dumb and so conscious of the British image to the rest of the wizarding world that they'll just make someone close the case soon. They won't bother to do the research you're doing, and they won't pay attention to a lousy freshman like you."
ME? LOUSY? Although I have to give him some credit, he said all of that without even taking a breather.
*Ring, ring*
I pointed my index finger at him. "Hold that thought."
I picked up my cell phone. "Hello? OK, listen to me honey; I'll get home as soon as I can… love you!"
He raised me a brow. "What was that all about? Problems with Potty or was it the ever-opportunist Captain Weasel?
"Oh screw you Malfoy, go to hell."
"Oh don't worry I've been there. It's quite fancy this time of year."
Oh, he was getting on my nerves! I needed to do something to catch this prick. I would get a nice promotion with a "capture" like this one. My brain started working overtime.
Desperate times call desperate measures.
"You're so fucked. I'm wired sucker. I have evidence of all this lovely chat. Now put your hands on your back and let me escort you out of here before the Ministry comes and makes a huge scene out of you." I stood up and flashed him a vigorous smirk.
I started to recite his rights like a muggle cop-show detective would.
"Tsk, Tsk, Tsk; now, now Granger…" He said in a seductive tone.
OH BLOODY FUCK. I felt a breeze between my legs. Fucking ferret! Using his wand, he took of my cloak, leaving me in my knickers- in a public place. Make that a VERY well known place by EVERYONE and VERY frequently visited by MINISTRY PEOPLE public place. Wizards and witches started staring.
" …When you learn how to lie, you give me a call," Malfoy sent a wink in my direction and stood up, "with that cell phone of yours." He had my cloak in his filthy hands!
I bent my knees together trying to cover my privates with one hand while the other one held my freezing arse. "THIS IS NOT OVER…BITCH!" I yelled at him in a very manly way, or at least the way my father used to yell at the football players on TV, while covering my privates and my freezing arse, while escaping from the café in the quest to avoid more public humiliation. On the way out I grabbed my cloak and swung it over my shoulders.
He just smirked. Damn him!!!
I opened my car door and sat there doing up the buttons of my cloak. I looked up and saw him exiting the café with a grin on his face. As I looked up to see what he was doing I found he had disappeared. Damn it! Now what am I going to do…
A/N: Ha! Another chapter! So, you may think the mystery is over. Think again…
In another part of town, a very well-known wizard is murdered brutally.
A/N: So that's it for Chapter 5!!! Hope you like it!!! Book, Fuck finally!!! But, as the plot thickens, what will happen to our characters? *suspense music* What the hell is wrong with Ginny? What will happen to Hermione? Why the hell won't we get more reviews? These enigmas and more will be answered in the next "Dead Blonde Skank"!
Here's to the chibiest people in the world:
AlienSmile13:
Fred: Thanks for the death threat greatly appreciated!
George: And thank you for liking our story even though it really sucks, we know you say all that to get laid with us!
Fred: Good effort.
Neveada:
Fred: We love the story, but the best part is when we come up! ^_^
George: You'll see later on why Malfoy is all Miami Vice, is not purely vainness.
Fred: Don't forget about us and drop a message soon!
some1:
Fred: Thanks for thinking about us!!!
George: Glad you like the story!!!
Heather Malfoy:
Fred: Mwahahahahaha!!!
George: Dearest Heather, some1 and I share an opinion. Malfoy CAN burn in hell for all we care, but since you like him so much, we're keeping him. Happy?
Fred: Thanks for reviewing!
sleepy-kitty:
Fred: We are funny perverts thank you very much.
George: And yes he resurrected from the dead to drink some coffee.
Fred: I would.
George: Yeah, me too.
GameOfLove:
Fred: HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Nice impression of the guy in Monty Python!!! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA. Ok.
George: We'll write to you as soon as we can! We promise!
To MISS Haley:
Fred: Thanks for liking the story and for saying it kicks ass!!! I didn't think of it that way, but it's wicked!
good charlotte lover:
George: Well, we really don't know if it is a flame or what but as we said earlier, the real plot will come in the next chapters.
Fred: And still, we don't want this story to be really like serious and stuff, just easy to read and to laugh.
Kriss:
Fred: Hail to kriss!
DracoGirl:
Fred: Your suggestion is quite accurate.
George: Yeah, iLOVEtheweasleytwins sounds tight.
Katvirgo:
Fred: Para la mujer más hermosa del universo…
George: We're getting poetic here.
TeretzSycho:
Fred: Thank you, thank you!!!
Krikoris:
Fred: Krikoris is back!!!
George: Oh don't worry…take your time reviewing…WHY IN THE BLOODY FUCK DIDN'T YOU REVIEW EARLIER?!?!
Fred: Thanks!
bz:
Fred: We're glad is not so confusing anymore.
Fred: Must be the beta.
TO SOME BRITISH CHICK WITH AN ATTUD:
Fred: and yes…BRIT RULESSSS!!!
And to all we forgot, thanks!!! We'll give you a shout on the next, 'kay?
ShAg On!!!