A/N: Hello Everyone!
I'm terribly, terribly sorry about the unnaturally long wait; but my computer is still in the shop and I've had to resort to making a deal with my local devil in order to post this chapter-a nasty proposal involving cleaning a litter box for the next century or so. A thousand apologizies to all my faithful readers who have been waiting patiently. I hope that this chapter makes amends for the rather long wait. I have been having doubts about this chapter; whether to post it or not...I hope I've made the right decision... Now onto my traditional thank you's:
Chantal J: Thank you! I hope you enjoy this chapter.
This Parrot has ceased to be: No need to thank me, I absolutely adore your writting style. Simplicity is afterall, beauty in its purest form. And you are truly too kind to shower such kind compliments on me. I hope that you enjoy this chapter and thank you for continuing to read and review.
Neoma: Thank you for the kind words. As always you are a source of never-ending inquisitiveness, which I find quite admirable. You'll find that this chapter answers all but one of your questions; which I've chosen to leave open-won't tell you why now...but trust me, all will be revealed in due time. And once again, thank you for continuing to read and review time and time again.
pirate grlEe:Thank you for reviewing. I'm truly sorry I've kept you waiting; I hope that this chapter will have been worth the wait.
wotchertonks: Thank you! I've always thought that all too often Slytherins are written off all too sterotypically-that they are just plain bad. But I digress, thank you for reviewing.
Dark Vampiresss: Thank you for reviewing and for continuing to do so time and time again, I really do appreciate it. And I'm sorry to have kept you waiting for so long.
BlackKat99: Thank you for the kind words, but I'd have to say that you are horribly wrong! You are far from being a "little person" when it comes to writting; you are a brilliant author! Really you are:)
The Grim: Thank you so much for reviewing. I always look forward to your reviews, not to mention your updates:) Once again thank you, and I'm sorry about the wait.
AstaraelUndomiel: First of all, Welcome to my little story! I'm so glad you're enjoying it! I hope I won't disappoint you with this chapter. Thank you so much for reviewing!
esta-gr: Superb? My work? Goodness! You're making me blush! You are truly too kind! Thank you so much for the generous compliments. And I will definately keep your postscript in mind when my computer comes back(hopefully soon).
Riaelfgirl: Thank you for the kind words. And it is a pity that they will end up being like every other Slytherin...but then again would that really be all that bad? Once again, thank you for reviewing!
dragonsgrl: Thank you! You're as usually far to generous with your compliments-much to my ego's enjoyment:) Once again thank you for continuing to review.
Countess Vladislaus Dragu:Thank you for the kind words. I hope this chapter does not disappoint you.
Aerandir: Thank you so much for reviewing! I know how hectic your schedule is; I'm truly touched that you took time out of it just to read my meager story. Thank you:)
permanent: Welcome silent reader! I thank you for your kind words and hope that this chapter will induce another review;) Thank you for reading and reviewing my story, I truly appreciate it.
Lady Rheena: Yes you are a most eloquent reviewer! Simple in your approach but you get your point across quite nicely:) Thank you for your kind words! I hope this chapter will not disappoint you.
kiwaussi: Welcome back! I was worried that my story had begun to grow stale and as such you lost interest. I am truly flattered by your praises. Thank you for continuing to read and review.
Titou Moony:-p: I'm sorry I've kept you waiting; but I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the events that are about to unfold in chapter 23...and subsequent chapters. Thank you again for reading and reviewing.
Unauthorized Cuddler: Welcome to my little story! As I recall, you reviewed "The Serpent's Shadow" as well. I am eternally thankful that you did. It was my very first attempt at writting and as such holds a very special place in my heart. I thank you for reading and reviewing and hope that you'll continue to do so.
Now, without further ado Chapter 23!
Ninde Annare
Chapter 23:
Silently standing in the darkness of my abode I am overwhelmed by alternating waves of panic and excitement as they wash over my doubtful mind. I am in awe at the deafening sound of silence-its foreboding song filling the void. A storm has begun to brew in my soul; an angry sea of thoughts has begun to toss mists of fear-blanketing my emotions with a slick surface of terror. My mind grows cloudy with greying wisps of uncertainty; lightening flashes, illuminating my deepest desires for brief instances, adding to the haze of my ambivalence. Through all this chaos one sound-one sensation reigns supreme: the thunderous beating of my grotesque heart.
(An erratic heart beat)
Closing my eyes, I fight to still the frantic beating of my immortal heart-its own thunderous rhythm threatening the flow of this silent symphony. I can feel it slow as it surrenders to my mind. Without its unnerving chorus roaring amongst the cacophony of erratic reasons, my mind begins to clear. My boldness begins to grow in the absence of my frightened heart's stifling rampage. With a deep breath, I gather the dark satin of my robes in my hand, as I prepare to leave my sanctuary-to meet the fate of my unspoken words.
I open my chamber door...I open the gateway to another world.... Once again, I have crossed over from the dead of my hollow to mingle in the warm effervescence of the school's corridors. The empty halls ring with the ebullience of the feast, as I make my way to Remus' office.
The gentle patter of raindrops upon the windows guide me through the halls, as they draw my mind from its panicked obsession. The darkened windows seem to weep...to overflow with heaven's tears-an ominous sympathy. For tonight my robes may share the same fate...they may also be soaked with tears. In no time at all, I find myself standing upon the threshold of Remus' chambers. Tentatively, I strike the vapid wooden door-its indifferent call echoing softly through the aphonic office. Silence.
With one hand pressed against the rough grain of the ominous wood, I gently push open the door to find...no one. Cautiously I enter his office; the gentle fire light casting long spindly shadows upon the wall. A chill washes over me. The normally welcoming ambience of his office has evanesced, despite the lingerance of warmth.
Slowly I move across the room, as a familiar sight beckons me forth. Nestled between two other books; it sits unpretentiously, bidding me to touch its faded leather covers. Removing it from its wooden cradle I gently set it upon Remus' desk. I open its ancient cover to unleash a flurry of sensations. The crinkled yellow pages pressed against my fingertips; the smell of time and ink; the sea of dead Latin words waiting to be revived upon my lips-they call to me.
The book, simply titled Remotis Arbitris (Without Witness), has fallen open to a passage, willing me to breath life back into its forgotten words.
I stand before you, in a form that allows me immortality. I stand before you, my body reduced to pools of ink and parchment, in a desperate attempt to lend life to my thoughts.
I thank you, kind reader, for keeping my soul alive...for reading these words. I cannot endure more of this mortal torment.... soon I shall be dead; and the world will continue to turn with one less evil.
Let it be known that I am a werewolf. Yes...I am a werewolf, but by no means am I a monster... Shunned by my peers, doomed to a loveless life, I suffer silently the pains of my curse...my salvation.
For it is through this curse that I have managed to reach you. Would you have read my words if I were merely a man? I think not. You read my words because you long to know what goes on in the mind of a beast...you are sick with curiosity... And I shall torment you no longer...I shall sooth your fevered search...
You quest for a monster, for a beast of unwavering bloodlust. But you will not find him in these pages. It is true that in my other form I would happily rip out your heart; tear you limb from limb...but not now...not in this form.
You must understand that in my transformed state, only a thin thread of consciousness ties me to my sanity. Just as now, only a sliver of animal instincts remain imbedded in my mind.
Once a month, under the sinister gaze of a full moon will I be consumed by insanity...will I be a threat to you...to your family...to all you hold dear... Once a month, I am consumed by the need to transfer the curse, as it is the only time I can do so... I do not deny that I am a monster then...but not now...not when I am as sane as you... not in this human body. So why do you continue to recoil from my touch? To avoid my eyes? Do you fear that you may find humanity in place of what you had hoped to be beastly cruelty? After all it would be far easier to dash out my brains if all my eyes held were a hunger for death.
After all, I am as frail as any human. I bleed just as you do...I can die in the hands of a manticore or a vampire as easily as you. And I can die as easily by your hands. It is true that we heal at a remarkable rate-that is the only gift afforded to us by this curse-but this does not grant us immortality.
In reality we are nothing more then humans who once a month become wolves. That is all. We are not servants of Satan, we do not all worship the dark lord; nor do we practice the dark arts. We are like you. And with this said I bid you goodbye. As I leave this world, without witness.
His words fade into a pool of crimson stains. A fine black powder clings to the page- reeking of saltpetre, sulphur and charcoal: muggle gunpowder. An icy tendril surrounds me, at the realization of the author's violent end...it is all here...all contained in this one tome...his life...his death...stated simply in a passage no longer then a page in length.... In bemused silence, I mourn the loss of this fallen soul...
He lived alone...he died alone...will this be my fate? No...how quickly I forget my immortality. How I envy you, dear writer, for you will know an end to your torment; while I am doomed to watch those I care for...those I love die...one by one...until all that is left is myself and emptiness.
Oh Remus...how can I bear to tell you?
To bring you into my darkness?
Perhaps some things are better left unsaid...
But can I really live an eternity wondering what could have been?
Remus...
The silent surface of the room is suddenly filled with a rippling roar, as the sound of wood upon stone pervades through the still of the atmosphere. The door stands agape. From the mouth of the chamber, Remus captures my gaze with his. My heart begins to race yet again; its inhibitions lost in his eyes.
The sound of his quickened breath surrounds me, as his lungs desperately claw at the cool air, willing it to enter their empty caverns. I can hear the steady pounding of his heart-it is a sensuous beat; so tangible I can almost taste its iron notes. His skin is flushed with the softest of pink hues, his brow laced in beaded sweat-he stands before me positively glowing with mortal innocence. How can I bare to drag him into my darkened world?
"Kaida..." He whispers my name so softly I scarcely hear it-his beautiful face marred with worry. He crosses the room with such fluid grace; I become lost in his movements. Soon I am pressed to his chest, as he envelopes me in his embrace. My words seem to catch in my throat as he wraps me in the safety of his arms...as I melt in the wake of his scent.
I've longed for this moment for so long...I've longed to find my salvation...I've longed for it, despite my uncertainty of its existence... I would freeze time to preserve this perfect embrace...to preserve the crystal clarity of this moment... There is only Remus; there is nothing beyond him...beyond my emotions...
I can feel my body become flushed with a feverish warmth, as my legs tremble weakly- my mind swimming in a sea of dulled senses.
How can one man strip me so completely of my strength?
How can one man shatter the fortitudes of my mind so easily?
His embrace has locked my arms to my side. I long to hold him in my arms...to return this intimate token...but I dare not shatter this moment with my clumsy gestures...
As suddenly as they had graced my body, they abandon it yet again, as Remus releases me from his hold. He pulls away from me. A cool breeze enters the room from an open window just beyond his door. The cold night air like thousands of needles upon my body; piercing my skin-that had only moments ago, been set aflame by his touch. Gently rustling by my robes, it drifts back from whence it came, carrying the shattered pieces of my perfect moment.
"Kaida, it's not safe for you to be here alone..." His eyes dart from mine to fall upon the open book that rests upon his desk. His eyes quickly meet mine again-uncertainty clouds his gaze. His lips curl into a subtle frown; disgust pulling at its corners. "Black's in the school, Kaida. The Headmaster has summoned us to the Great Hall..." He turns from me, as he begins to make his way to the door. I can feel a thin line of fractures creep over my glass heart-a break induced by Remus' suddenly frigid demeanour.
Why does it hurt so?I've suffered the searing pain of rejection all my life...and yet now it burns with a new passion fuelled by the deadened wood of my soul.
We walk silently through the halls. I watch his lithe form move with leadened limbs. Something seems to be weighing heavily upon his mind. His steps seem to be driven not by urgency but of avoidance-sending further chills of woe over me. I struggle to keep his pace but my legs-as well as my heart-are still weak from our encounter.
We pass by an open window. A gentle breeze pushes through the small opening, producing an eerie, yet soothing lullaby. My eyes begin to flutter shut as I swoon from the draught's icy kiss. With weakened limbs, I feel my pace begin to slow until finally I cease to move. My equilibrium wavers...will I fall?
It's too late...
You've fallen...in the worst possible way...
Your limbs reject your mind's logic, for now they have a new master...
For now they are possessed by Eros...
I hear Remus' footsteps suddenly stop dead, only to start up again moments later. His footsteps make nary a sound...
Has he left me behind; disgusted by my weakness?
His scent still looms heavily around me. I breathe deeply, burning his scent into my mind, for I may never breathe of it again.
Remus...
My eyelids are heavy with a desire to remain in the safety of their own inflicted darkness-to avoid the face of the one who could induce endless tears. And yet, I force them open...
With ailed eyes, I find him by my side, hands hovering timidly around my shoulders. He holds me with a gentle gaze, so delicate that no arms could ever simulate their embrace, "Kaida...are you alright?"
Weakly I smile at him... Weakly I smile into the face of the one who has bound my heart and ensnared my wits... "I could have asked you the very same question..." I reach out to gently cup his cheek in my frozen fingers. Despite their frosty touch, his face lights up into a brilliant blush.
His momentary shock at my query soon gives way to a delicate verbiage, "Always the observant one, aren't you?" Faint notes of sarcasm loom dangerously over his words. A tired smile creeps across his reddened skin. Taking my hand from his cheek, he holds it between his own. He presses something cold and hard into my pallid palm-covered with jagged edges it stings my hand. Gently he withdraws his hands, as he folds my stony fingers over the mysterious mound of frozen stingers.
He looks upon me with saddened eyes. Slowly I open my hand-frightened by what may lie within. With my fingers now unfurled I am greeted by a sinister silver sparkle. Nestled in my palm, crushed and mutilated but nonetheless whole in its maliciousness, the Wolfsbane pin has returned to haunt me yet again.
"Remus...." Once again, in the presence of this devilish adornment I am rendered speechless. The icy fingers of fear pluck the chords of my voice as it plays its paralyzing song.
"Why couldn't you have told me?" With liquid eyes, he studies my face; searching for the answers that my words deny him, "Is this why you've been avoiding me? Is this why I haven't seen you in weeks?" Though his voice rings with anger, there is a subtle pleading in its tone-a desperate clawing for unspoken answers.
A deadly pause finds its way into our colloquy. The silence is terrifying. Suddenly in a hushed voice-barely a whisper-I hear my words, "...yes...I can't deny it... This is why I have been avoiding you...." I hold up the baneful brooch, allowing the candlelight to wash over it, to illuminate it in all its unhallowed glory. "But it hasn't only been you...I've been avoiding everyone I care for...this thing has awoken something in me...something I had hoped was dead..."
I clutch the silvery monstrosity to my chest willing it to withdraw the poison it had unleashed within. I can feel it searing my heart with its fractured emotions; I can feel my walls of indifference crumble in its wake. Remus looks on with widened eyes of disbelief. Losing myself in my words, I unleash them upon him as Pandora's box did to the world; I unleashed my darkest thoughts, "...Do you know what it is like to have all you hold dear; all you hold hallowed and close to be rendered false? This...this thing awoke emotions inside me that I could have never fathomed..."
Resurrecting an apathetic façade he pushes on with his queries, desperate to find elucidation. "Spare me your worn excuses of fear...I've heard them all my life...been rejected by everyone around me...but I never thought you...you of all people...you who knew the sting of rejection so well, could ever do this to me..." He bites back his words as he struggles with his own demons...with his own emotions. I feel his pain, unbridled but not unwarranted. It burns in my depths, branding my soul with painful empathy.
"Remus, understand that it is not you I reject, it is who I've become. This jaded beast that stands before; unworthy to bask in your presence...it is this..." With the pin still in hand, I point squarely at my heart. "...This that I reject! There is nothing that you could ever do, or ever be that could spur my scorn. Nothing."
"How can you say that? Do you know what I am?" His questions do not appear to have been meant for my ears, they seem to be a product of disbelief at my unconditional acceptance.
Taking his hands within my own, I stroke them soothingly, "It's true, I don't know what you are...what you've become over the years, but that is something I wish to discover. Do not deny me the chance to unravel you, to disrobe your..." I smile coyly at him, in an attempt to lighten the crushing atmosphere. "...Your secrets simply because you refuse to acknowledge the fact that someone accepts who you are; what you are, unconditionally."
He withdraws his hands from mine and with them he takes the villainous trinket. Wrapping me in a soft cascade of faded black cloth he envelops me in his arms-words failing to express his feelings. I rest my head on his broad shoulders, as I listen to his heart beat in time with my own. I revel in its muted song...I revel in the rebirth of my perfect moment.
But like all ungrateful mortals, I question the source of my salvation...I question Remus... "How did you find it? How did you know it was mine?"
Unfazed by my ingratitude, he answers me in that same soothing voice, the same unwavering timbre. "I was out in the Forbidden Forest earlier today, hoping to catch some fish in the Lost Lake for my Grindylow when I found it." With a content sigh he proceeds, "I knew it was yours because it smelled of amaranths..." He rests his head on mine. "I spoke to Professor Flitwick about it during the feast, he said that it was beyond repair...that the charm had been broken...I'm sorry..."
"It's alright, Remus...it's done more in this state then it ever could whole..." I can't help but smile broadly. Who would have ever thought that something that caused me so much pain...so much strife could ever bring me such elation?
Releasing me from his embrace he pulls back to carefully pin it to my chest. I look at him quizzically, to which he answers simply, "So we never forget...." Biting his lower lip he smiles shyly as he takes my hand-as we make our way to the Great Hall floating on borrowed clouds of bliss.
A/N: Well, there it is everyone! I hope you enjoyed it, I'm still having doubts about it as I write this little note. I look forward to reading your responses to this chapter. In regards to an update, I will do my best to post as soon as I am done writing chapter 24 (which have yet to start). I make no promises in regards to time, as I don't know when I will be able to procure another computer. Please just keep checking back. Don't give up on this story. Thank you all for reading, now please don't forget to review!
Ninde Annare