Meredith stood frozen in front of the canteen. The offerings weren't significantly to those of her high school but there was an unspoken challenge here. Nobody had given her a meal plan – yet – but she couldn't imagine there weren't rules. Not that any of the nurses seemed to be paying her much attention. She looked around then, hands shaking, selected a side salad and a bowl of melon from the table. 'You need at least two carbohydrates and a protein' came a voice behind her. Feeling caught, Meredith turned but saw only the annoyingly perky blonde girl from group, Avery. 'I know it's hard, believe me,' Avery continued. 'But you're only hurting yourself by not complying. And sooner or later, you won't have a choice.' Meredith said nothing. 'Here, let me help you,' Avery said, adding a bowl of soup, a bread roll and a jacket potato with cheese to Meredith's tray. 'What are you doing?!' asked Meredith, appalled. 'You can't just decide what I eat for me!'
'Well, it will be me or a nurse,' replied Avery as she headed for a table. Meredith looked around hesitantly. She had assumed those in the group were the only patients here but, looking around, she realised there must be three or four different groups because the dining room was busy. She found her hands were shaking so much it was getting hard to hold the tray and she quickly sat down at an empty table, poured a glass of water and started taking small sips.
'Can I sit with you?' asked Maggie timidly. 'Sure,' Meredith replied. Maggie sat and Meredith watched curiously as Maggie started dissecting her sandwich and separating out elements of her salad. Maggie saw her watching and blushed red. 'Sorry,' she said, 'I just don't like it when different types of food are touching. I know it's weird.' Meredith shrugged. 'I'm in no position to judge, you do what you like,' she replied, beginning to push her food aimlessly around her plate. She glanced curiously around the dining room. The majority seemed at ease – or they were eating their meal at least. It was easy to spot those like herself. She didn't want to use the word anorexia. It didn't seem like it had anything to do with her. She just didn't want to eat, that's all. It was no big deal. Or at least that's what she could tell herself most of the time. But it had been 24 hours since she'd eaten and purged that burger at school and 48 hours since the apple and half a yogurt that had made up the last meal she'd actually digested. She didn't feel physical hunger much any more. But the headache, dizziness, weakness and 'brain fog' were getting harder and harder to ignore. She ripped a piece of bread from the roll, dipped it in her soup and really was going to eat it but found she just couldn't. She dropped it back onto her plate and stared down, surprised to realise she was crying. Maggie looked at the older girl in alarm. 'Are you okay?' she whispered uncertainly. Meredith wiped her hand across her eyes. 'I'm sorry,' she sobbed. 'Ignore me, I don't even know what's wrong.'
'Low blood sugar,' Amelia said, joining her two room mates at their table along with Lizzie, the other trouble maker from their therapy group. 'It basically causes your brain to freak out. Seriously, it does. My brother told me. He's training to be a neurosurgeon. He knows things.' Meredith looked up. 'Do you have problems eating too?' she asked, her voice wobbling. Amelia shook her head. 'Nope. I'm a standard junkie. Just don't eat much when I'm high, that's all.' Meredith studied the other girl, not sure what to make of her. She seemed pretty together in a fucked up kind of way. She certainly didn't come across like someone who couldn't cope. But the thickly wound bandages from her wrists to her elbows and the numerous scars and healing cuts on her upper arms told another story. Looking from Amelia's arms to Maggie's scrupulously separated out food to her own untouched meal, Meredith could feel herself starting to panic. How had she ended up in a place like this, she wondered. When her eyes fell on Lizzie, it was the last straw. She didn't know if the girl really was a psychopath but she certainly had an eating disorder. She was several stone overweight and was now giving her full attention to the mountain of cheese fries and donuts on her plate. The orange grease, glistening sugar and smell of pure fat and calories was too much for Meredith. She pushed her tray away and ran from the dining hall, hand over her mouth and her stomach heaving.
'You're not better than Lizzie just because you're skinny, you know,' Amelia said to Meredith later that evening as they lay on their beds. Meredith didn't have the energy to join in with the social activities in the common room and Amelia was coming down from the last of her drugs and definitely feeling it. 'I never said I was,' Meredith answered.
'Your face did. You looked disgusted.'
'Not by her. By the food. It's different.'
'Is it? You looked like little miss holier than thou. You did it to me earlier too, when you saw me take the drugs.'
Meredith put her hands over her face, not feeling up to a fight. 'I didn't! Or if I did I didn't mean to. I'm just not used to seeing people doing stuff to hurt themselves on purpose, I guess. My mum's a doctor. I want to be a doctor. It feels wrong – drugs and cutting and junk food.'
'And starving yourself isn't?' My whole family are doctors. It doesn't make you immune to fucking up. You're doing it just as much as the rest of us. Can't you see that?'
'I'm staying in control.'
Amelia stayed silent for a few moments. 'Okay. You keep telling yourself that,' she said eventually, rolling onto her side and closing her eyes to try and fight the withdrawal headache and nausea that was attacking her. She barely noticed when Meredith got up to go to the bathroom and the sound of the shower running was sending her to sleep when a crash jerked her awake. 'Meredith?' she called, knocking on the bathroom door but getting no answer. She pushed open the door and found Meredith passed out on the floor. She stared in shocked fascination at the other girl's body. She could count every one of her ribs, her hip and collar bones looked sharp enough to burst through her skin and her knees and elbows almost seemed the widest parts of her limbs. 'Meredith?' she repeated in a shocked whisper. 'Are you alive?' She knelt down on the floor next to her, looking and listening for breathing. Maggie appeared in the doorway, her eyes wide with fear. 'Is she okay?' she asked. Amelia turned to her. 'Get help,' she said urgently. 'Now. Tell them Meredith isn't breathing.' As Maggie ran from the room, Amelia took a shaky breath and, far from certain that she knew what she was doing, started CPR on her new, sort-of-but-not-really friend.