A/N: I wanted to extend my sympathies to Shadowed Rain and xyvoetex. Both have expressed their regret for not keeping up with MITM. I don't have cable or a dish, and my reception is fuzzy. I haven't been able to watch the show since the middle of the year. I have to rely on web sites to follow the plots.

Also, a note to Daughter of Zorro. I have come across quite a few people who don't know who Harry Potter is. I must assume that there exists at least one person who has not watched Malcolm, and I will not let that one person be left out of the joke. It's one of those better safe than sorry things. Like having drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering on them.

CHAPTER EIGHT: HOGWARTS

"FIRST YEARS, THIS WAY."

Malcolm and Ron looked up to see Hagrid waving all the new students to the boats. "He's the one who delivered my letter."

"He is big," Ron agreed.

"Malcolm," Hagrid called out. "I'm glad ye made it. Ye worried me when ye didn't show up."

"You didn't tell me we were going to a different country."

"We weren't. It's still this country."

Why do I have the feeling I'm the straight man here?

"Not from where I was standing."

Hagrid grinned anyway. "Well, ye made it anyway. And I bet yer friend here is a Weasley."

"Ron Weasley," Ron said and smiled as his hand was engulfed by the Giant's paw.

"Let's get the two of ye into a boat. Yer sure to have a treat."

Malcolm and Ron smiled until they were put in a boat.

Guess who's with us.

"Oh. It's you." Hermione made the words sound as if an odor accompanied them.

"An' this is yours, I believe."

"Trevor!" Neville said happily as he took the toad from Hagrid.

At least one of us is happy.

Hermione looked away from them as the boats began to move. "Some people can find the boats on their own."

Malcolm sneered. "Some people can stop to talk to old friends."

Hermione laughed. "I suppose you know everyone at the school."

"Just Hagrid."

"And Dumbledore's not your great-uncle?"

"I never said he was."

"YOU DID TOO."

"When was this?" Ron asked. "I never heard about it."

"YOU'RE DOING THIS DELIBERATELY."

Malcolm smiled while Hermione fumed, Ron smirked and Neville looked for a way out of the boat that did not involve swimming. "Yes," Malcolm answered with a grin.

Hermione shoved Malcolm who fell backwards out of the boat in a loud splash. There was another splash and Malcolm came out of the water and landed on his feet in the boat.

"That was brilliant," Ron shouted. "How'd you do that?"

"Like this," Malcolm said, and pushed Hermione out of the boat. Ron stared in surprise as the same thing happened to her.

Malcolm sneered again. "Want to go another round, boss lady."

"You bet I do," Hermione responded angrily. "This time, try staying in the water."

"You'll have to keep me there."

"That's not a problem."

"Would you look at that," Ron said suddenly as he and Neville pointed. The argument was momentarily forgotten as Hogwarts castle came into view.

"It's beautiful," Hermione said, and Malcolm agreed. Then they both scowled as they realized they had talked to each other. They were scowling when the boats docked.

They squished out of the boat, their clothes still trailing water, when Hagrid stopped them. Neville gleefully kept going, happy to be away from them. The Giant signaled for Ron to go ahead as well.

"What do ye think ye were doing?" Hagrid demanded.

"She's always trying to boss people around."

"He's always being contrary whenever anyone talks to him."

Hagrid smiled grumpily. "Tha' explains it. Neither of ye was thinkin'. Jus' be thankful the Giant Squid threw ye both back in the boat."

"Giant Squid?" Hermione asked, with a hint of fear.

"Yeah. It lives in the lake."

"How big is it?" Malcolm asked, a glint in his eye.

"Too big to smuggle into the school, I'd wager." Hermione smirked as Malcolm scowled.

"I wasn't thinking of that," Malcolm retorted. "Hagrid, is he big enough that he can reach the school with one of his tentacles?"

"No," Hagrid answered. "An' don't smirk at me. Yer not the first one to ask." Malcolm and Hermione went to walk off. "Before ye go, I want ye to know this. The two of you are peas in a pod."

"He's not even . . . "

Hagrid cut her short. "Both of ye have the same problem. Ye both are too smart for yer own good." He then walked past them and up the steps to the main entrance.

"I am not too smart," Hermione said as she squished up the stone stairs after Hagrid.

"That's true," Malcolm said with a grin.

Hermione scowled and walked faster to get away from him.

Malcolm walked into the school to the sound of laughter. The blond haired boy was pointing him out and making some remark. For some reason this did not bother Malcolm at all.

I think it's because of the large bluish-red mark just below his eye.

"I am Professor McGonagall," an old stern-looking woman said as she walked up. "Shortly, you will be escorted into the Great Hall to be sorted into your houses. What happened to the two of you?"

Malcolm swallowed as Professor McGonagall looked at him and Hermione.

"Um, well . . . " Hermione began to say.

"Hagrid told us about the Giant Squid," Malcolm said in a cavalier voice. "We were curious if he was telling the truth. So we jumped into the lake."

"Oh, uh, yes," Hermione agreed immediately. "It was, um, er, wonderful."

"Really?" McGonagall's look told them that she knew they were lying or they were both idiots and they could take their pick.

"Professor?" Malfoy said raising his hand. "Is it true? My father, Lucius Malfoy, told me that the Boy-Who-Lived would be starting school this year, but we couldn't find him on the train."

"Then you must not have looked very hard, Mister Malfoy. Now, I want all of you to line up according to your names." Professor McGonagall walked over to Malcolm and put her hand on his shoulder. She put him in line behind a pair of twins named Patil. Ron gave him a quick smile and a nod toward Malfoy. Malcolm grinned. When Malfoy found out he was the BHL, the blond boy would be furious.

Someone screamed, and Malcolm looked around to see dozens of ghosts floating through the walls on their way to the Great Hall. One of them muttered as he floated over Malcolm's head. "The new students always seem to carry on so. I'm always amazed."

"First Years," McGonagall called, and led the way into the Great Hall.

This is Great. I like the floating candles, and I bet the fake ceiling looks great during a thunderstorm.

Malcolm was amused by the singing hat, but he had been told all about it by Fred and George. (They told Ron that he had to wrestle a troll.) Then Hannah Abbott was called and the first girl in line sat on a stool and the hat was put on her head. Shortly it shouted, "Hufflepuff," and the girl ran off to the middle table on the left. The next girl went to Hufflepuff as well. Hermione Granger ended up in Gryffindor.

Draco Malfoy sat down and the hat immediately called out, "Slytherin". He jumped off the stool and cast an easy glance at the students still in line, smirking when he saw Malcolm. Malcolm brushed his cheek, returning the smirk. Malfoy scowled and turned to walk to the Slytherin table.

After the Patil sisters had been sorted, Malcolm suddenly realized why he had been put in line. It was not to keep him away from Hermione. It was because . . . "

Professor McGonagall started to call out the wrong name.

"NO. THAT'S NOT MY NAME."

The hall went silent. Almost every student and all the teachers knew which name was going to be called. Then the whispering started. It stopped again as Professor Dumbledore stood up.

I know it's him. He looks just like his card.

"Malcolm, if you would only have waited." Dumbledore spoke softly, but his voice carried throughout the Great Hall. "Professor McGonagall was going to give your birth name, followed by your adoptive name. We wanted to avoid confusion in trying to explain who you are."

"I'm sorry," Malcolm said with surprising sincerity. At least, it surprised him. "It's just that I can't stand that name. My uncle has that name. There was this guy, Harry Harris, he met my uncle and immediately changed his name to Richard. Honestly, it's a true story."

"I know it is," Dumbledore said with humor. "I've met your uncle. That is why I call myself Albus."

The entire hall erupted in laughter.

That was amazing. He turned an embarrassing situation into a joke, and a joke that didn't make anyone feel small. I couldn't do that if I tried . . . The truth is I'd never try to do that.

"Malcolm," McGonagall said pensively. "Why don't you sit down, and we'll sort you"

"Curious," The hat said as it slid over Malcolm's head. "You would fit well anywhere. But where to put you."

Malcolm thought about Draco Malfoy. "Not Slytherin."

"Not Slytherin? But you would be great there. You would have many friends."

"Whose mind are you reading? I slugged that Malfoy jerk on the train. And you expect me to share a room with him for the next seven years?"

I am willing to swear that hat is laughing at me.

"Gryffindor, then? You won't have to share a room with Hermione Granger."

Malcolm paused. "Will Ron get into Gryffindor?"

"He's a Weasley. It's a given."

"Cool . . . do you always talk with an American accent?"

It's smirking again.

"I don't talk at all, Malcolm. You only hear me." Then the Sorting Hat shouted, "GRYFFINDOR."

The hat was pulled of his head, and Malcolm looked over to the far left table. Everyone there was applauding. Fred and George were standing on the benches shouting "We've got Malcolm."

Malcolm looked up at Professor McGonagall as he got off the stool. She was beaming, but she wasn't looking at him. She was looking at an older boy at the Gryffindor table. Malcolm would find out later that his name was Oliver Wood.

Malcolm squished as he sat down. That happens when your clothes are still wet. His eyes met Hermione's and they both turned away at once. Malcolm decided to look at the teacher's table instead. Hagrid gave him a thumbs up, which made him feel better. Then he noticed two teachers talking with each other. One of them, with greasy black hair, looked up unsmiling at him. Malcolm gave a grunt as his scar throbbed in pain.

"Malcolm?" Percy, who was sitting next to him looked concerned.

"I'm fine," Malcolm said. "I think it's the wet clothes."

"I'll take care of it," Percy said as he stood up.

"Percy, who are those two guys? The one in the turban, and the greasy guy."

"Oh, that's Professor Quirrell with the turban. He teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts. And the other one is Professor Snape. He teaches Potions."

"I don't think Snape likes me. He sneered when he looked at me."

"He's head of Slytherin House. The only way he'd like you is if you were in Slytherin. And it's not only you. He doesn't like anyone who's not in his house."

Percy went to the teacher's table and talked to a very short man who came back with him. "Malcolm, this is Professor Flitwick."

"All wet, young man?" Professor Flitwick was grinning. "All first years are, but you've taken it literally." He waved his wand and said something in Latin. Malcolm began to feel warm as steam rose off of his clothes. In less than a minute he was dry. "That was great."

"Excuse me, Professor," Hermione said from across the table. Professor Flitwick repeated the charm and she was dry as well. "Thank you, Professor." She turned to Malcolm. "I do believe in being polite."

Flitwick barked a short laugh aimed at both the first years and walked back to his seat. Malcolm heard Ron's name being called, and looked up.

Boy, he's really nervous. I should have told him what the hat said.

The hat shouted, "Gryffindor," and Ron gratefully ran to the table, sitting next to Malcolm. "That's a relief. Now all I have to do is survive Fred and George."

Blaise Zambini went to Slytherin, and the sorting was done.

Dumbledore stood up, looking in Malcolm's direction, then gave a short speech about the school rules. Percy said something which Malcolm didn't hear, but then the food appeared. Malcolm stared. There was more than enough of everything that he didn't need to rush to grab what he wanted. He was stunned. For the first time that he could remember, he could relax while he ate. He gorged himself, then sat back in satisfaction.

Burrrp. Yeah, that felt good.

Suddenly, the foods disappeared, and the deserts took their place. With no great difficulty, Malcolm sat up and filled his plate again.

That was a great first day of school. I hit some obnoxious blond kid. Then I tormented this bossy girl. And I ended it all by stuffing myself with more food than I thought I could eat. And now I get to lie in bed all night because I can't get to sleep. Oh, and one more thing. Burrrp.