The hours passed slowly in the cramped confines of the Aiko's home. It gave everyone lots of time to think over what had happened. Rinoa had secluded herself in the back bedroom since the moment they arrived. After Quistis had talked with both her and Watts, he ended up leaving to secure tickets for all four SeeDs and Rinoa. Squall sat sullenly the entire time....wishing he could go back in time and fix the mess that he'd partially caused. It just proved his point, people weren't meant to be with each other. Personal relationships were just a bother, and you could only dig yourself a grave by depending on them. In a way, he did himself a favor by getting Rinoa to hate him...she'd be better off without him. If that's true, how come I feel so bad, he thought, feeling like he might cry.
After a bit, Mei served dinner, encouraging her guests to join her at the large table in the kitchen. Rinoa eventually came out and joined them. She was very quiet and kept her eyes downcast, fearing to look at any of them. The mood at the table was tense, no body talked, just ate silently....the sound of scrapping forks on china the only noise filling the room. The mood lightened a little when ten year old Reika decided to tell some jokes to Selphie. Most of them were pretty stupid, but she told them with a child's delight in the absurd. Her enthusiasm was infectious, and soon had most of the room in much better spirits. Dinner ended on a good note, and everyone dispersed to different corners. Selphie and Reika had taken a shine to each other and played dolls quietly in one corner. Quistis was in the kitchen, helping Mei with dishes. Squall went and sulked in a corner of the living room. Rinoa sat on the stairs that lead to the second floor, directly opposite where Squall was sitting. She glared at him, wishing with all her heart that she could burst his head open by the power of her stare alone. Zell walked over and joined her pity party on the stairs.
"S'up..." Zell asked, propping his elbows on his knees.
"hmmpf...like you care...You're just hired hands...." Rinoa replied dully.
"Seriously....I know we all started off on the wrong foot. I'd like to try and make it up to you."
"Yeah...sure....probably ordered to make nice with me..."
"Dude! I take offense to that....I came here of my own free will...I just wanted to talk and patch things up. To show you that we're not a bunch of assholes.....I'm really sorry about the way that whole thing went down....that, and I gotta show some respect for someone who can burn that bad...you still pissed? If you are, I'll let you hit me n' stuff....I'm Selphie's one stop stress relief punching bag...I'm sure she won't mind if you take a turn..."
"No...not really....I'm sorry....I know you mean well.....I'm just depressed, that's all....Squall was right, I'm a lousy leader. Nobody ever fricking listened to me....Watts was the only one I could depend on. I hated my job... I-It's like....I feel like all I do is yell at people all the time! GOD!... How could I expect professionals to work for me, when I can't even get a stupid bunch of volunteers to wipe their own asses? I'm such an idiot.... I'm sorry....it's not fair of me to unload all this on you...it's not like we're friends or anything."
"Sez who? Now I'M REEEALLY offended...In the very short time I've known you, you've become my new bestest friend...so let it out......You know, we all gotta decompress sometimes...you can go on if it makes you feel better.....I really don't mind......."
" Oh god........What am I going to do?" she said, resting her head in her hands, her voice trembling and tears splashing down her face, "I have nothing left....I started this out with so much hope...and now...everything I've worked so hard for, everything I've dreamed of.....all gone...All I could think was that once SeeD was here, everything would be okay.........After that dance at Garden, when I first found out we'd receive SeeD's help, I was walking on air... I really believed that SeeD could solve all my problems and now....and after that dance, I mean god.....It was like everything finally was going my way, the stars had aligned.....the fates said, Okay, this is your chance, go for it....and that he was...God.... I'm such a dumb ass...."
"Don't say that....What do you mean?"
Rinoa looked down as she wiped her tears away, "I can't believe I'm telling you this....Squall.....I met him at that party of yours, we danced.....it was like the most magical, romantic moment of my life. My romantic daydream.....to find love and adventure in one neat package....stupid really. Just seeing things when they weren't there."
"Hmmm I see. Squall's not really so bad....I know you're pissed at him for what he said....I might add, you got him back big time... Hell, he didn't even have a comeback... and he ALWAYS has a comeback. This was the first time I've ever seen him speechless...........Seriously...I've known him for four years, moody is his middle name. Squall's a pretty complex guy and I don't always understand why he does the stuff he does....but I'm sure he was just PMSing like a great big girl. "
She turned her head and looked at him incredulously, "Excuse me....I'm offended on behalf of all women, everywhere...."
"What? I think he'd make a lovely girl....okay, not really...but get him in a dress and a wig and we'd be in business..... okay...no....but if you were dead drunk, and on crack, and blind maybe....."
"You're a dork..." she said, smiling a little.
"Yeah, but I did get you to smile....Want to go and play a game of cards? Get our minds off things... I brought mine with me...and I'm sure that Selphie and Reika wouldn't mind playing."
"I guess..."
"You're not smiling..." he teased, reaching over and tickling her on her bare leg.
"STOP IT!!" she said, giggling...that effortless smile of hers appearing on her face, "He's damn lucky he has a friend like you. I should fall for somebody so nice."
"Oooooo.....SAILOR!"
She laughed and ruffled his hair, "......Let's go...weirdo..."
"HEY! Watch the hair!" checking and patting his head protectively, which only made her laugh harder.
Squall watched Rinoa and Zell goof around....shouldn't that be him making her laugh and smile, not Zell.....No.....shut up.....he hissed inwardly to himself. He knew he should be the one making peace with Rinoa, but he couldn't find the strength. He plunged into a deep despair....trying so hard to keep his outwardly cold exterior from cracking under the pressure. He knew he was jealous....that was half the reason he said all the things he did. He was angry at her...that she could make such fast friends with Zell and not him...angry at himself for being damn fool enough to betray his own values.... Zell had it so good, he was a happy go lucky type of guy that everything came easily to. Squall had to work for what he had.....nothing had come to him without a price of some kind. Girls giggled at Zell....he was funny...nice to have around.....Most girls were just afraid of Squall...he was moody and uncommunicative...not exactly the kind of guy you wanted to hang around with...not that he really needed their attention..... Still, he longed to have someone like Rinoa to share his feelings with...and yet as much as he wanted it, he feared it. How could he tell her how he felt, when those feelings scared him so deeply. His loneliness consumed him, eating at his heart like never before. He knew what he'd been missing....That inner voice that was once so small had become louder.....it told him that he was missing what Rinoa could have given him.... There was no way to repair what he'd done....no words he could say that'd make up for what he said. You can say I'm sorry but it never takes the sting out of the words. What was done, was done and no amount of I'm sorrys and mea culpas would change that. But the wall had been broken from around his heart and was crumbling further every minute....she'd broken it....and he had no protection now, his heart ached like it hadn't in years. He shut himself off to rid himself of this feeling and even then he ended up feeling alone and worthless.
Rinoa, Zell, Selphie, and little Reika began to play a game of cards. All four laughing and joking with each other. Once again Squall found himself watching others have a good time, while he was miserable. He couldn't stand it anymore, he got up and went up the stairs to the second floor. Opening a small bay window in the second floor bedroom, he watched the sky, a sea of stars twinkling in the night.....just like the night he met Rinoa. I'm such a coward... worthless...the calm shimmering light of the stars calmed him somewhat. Though his feelings were terribly close to the surface of his paper thin mask. He sighed, shaking away regret, What was the use in mourning what could have been? This is what I wanted anyway...A noise in the corner made him jump with surprise, it was Zell, standing in the half lighted room. He so didn't need this right now...
"Hey....You alright...I just saw you go up here and stuff..." Zell stammered awkwardly.
"Just leave...."
"Alright....but before I go...I just wanted to tell you that nothing happened between me and Rinoa....I know what you're thinking, and even if I wanted to make a move on her, I couldn't. She's crazy for you....She told me so herself...."
"Why would I care?" Squall said, turning his face away to hide his vulnerability.
"Because you like her too....don't tell me that you don't....it's been written on your face since that night you danced with her. The sooner you're honest with yourself about it, the better."
"Whatever..."
"Fine...Keep lying to yourself....I meant what I said before, you're nuts if you don't go after this girl. And if you don't do it, someone else will..." Zell said, not understanding his friend a bit, he left Squall to brood. He learned long ago there was no talking to him when he was in a mood like this.
The night wore on and on, and Squall was quite sure it'd never end....that he was really dead and this was his own private hell. He stayed up in the second floor bedroom, afraid and unwilling to go downstairs and face up to the aftermath. Squall sat in the complete darkness, doubting himself more than ever. What kind of leader was he? He let his emotions get the better of him....He began to think about what Rinoa had said to him. What did he believe in? Nothing....there wasn't a single thing he could think of.....he never did anything without being told to.....Maybe she was right, maybe he was an automaton, a whore for a paycheck....unable to think or feel for himself. Why did what she thought of him matter? He didn't like her...Squall repeated it over and over and over again, and no matter how many times he did it, he never felt any different. He was more confused than he'd been before..... I thought I'd never feel like this again...He closed his eyes tightly, to shut out the pain and to keep himself from thinking.
Quistis beckoned him from the bottom of the stairs at around ten and he reluctantly complied. Watts had returned with the tickets that would get them to Galbadia Garden and their meager belongings. He'd decided to find them a more indirect route, to avoid any suspicious military personal from making inquiries. They'd take a 7 o'clock train to the East Academy Station, from there they'd walk the last five miles to Galbadia Garden. After he'd relayed his information, Watts bid everyone a good night, having found another place to stay. Before he left for good, he gave Rinoa a big bear hug.
"I probably won't see you for awhile, Noni....I'm gonna miss you." Watts said, squeezing her tight.
"Same here...Take care of Angelo for me, okay? When I get to Balamb....could you find a way to send him to me?" Rinoa asked, her eyes welling with tears.
"Sure, Your Highness...."
"Don't call me that....you know I hate it." She said, giggling and sniffling at the same time, "Say good bye to Zone and the others for me...be careful..."
"Bye..."
"Yeah.....Good-bye..."
Watts turned and left, waiving at Rinoa as he closed the door. Rinoa wrapped her arms around herself, and covering her mouth with her hand, she began to cry. Mei draped an arm around her slim shoulders, smoothing her hair while making soothing motherly sounds.
"Quistis...is it? Could you please help Rinoa upstairs? I need to get everyone some bedding so that we can all get a good night's sleep. You all have an early day....For propriety's sake...girls upstairs, boys in the living room...." Mei said, giving off orders like a general. She bustled off to get the linens, praying that everything would work out for poor Rinoa.
A bit of chaos ensued, between deciding where to sleep and making up their make shift beds. Rinoa and Selphie shared the small bed in the second floor bedroom. While Quistis made herself as comfortable as she could on the floor next to it. Mei and Reika retired to the master bedroom. Squall sat down in the overstuffed reclinable chair, letting Zell take the couch. He wasn't tired and sleep was likely to be elusive tonight. Squall sat in the dark again, listening to Zell snore in oblivious slumber. He got up from the chair and walked over to the large picture window. Opening the curtains a crack, he watched the stars....they seemed to bring some kind of peace to his soul, which was writhing in pain.