Disclaimer: Mutant X….sadly not mine. go off to sulk

I want to says thank to imjuzakyd, if you haven't read her stories then what are you waiting for? Again, thanks imjuzakyd for editing this story!

Don't want to say goodbye…

I love him so much but I'll never say goodbye; he may die in other people's eyes but he still lives on in my heart.

I have always remembered that awful day filled with pain, although I never talked about it. Then one night, Emma came to me. She just sat beside me, wrapping her arms around my stomach before whispering into my ears, 'do not keep it inside you, it may make things worse if you write it down but it will be better one day, that I can promise you.'

I obeyed her and I cried myself a story…

It all started a few weeks back when Brennan and I were playing a game, running and chasing. I was winning, and I didn't care that I was cheating by using my feral senses. I loved to win and Brennan knew that but still he tried to win. I remember that I promised him a long full body massage if he won and, he caught me in five minutes. I think about three and half minutes had gone by when I began to laugh, but it was a mistake because, somehow, my laughter brought an idea into his mind. I could tell by the twinkle in his eyes. I screamed with delight, knowing that the game was more dangerous and fun. It was by the pond when he began to cheat, from across the room, blue sparks shot out of his hands and gently zapped me into the pond. I was soaked, my clothes felt heavy on me. I tried to get out but he jumped into the water, despite his fear of the blue liquid. He grabbed hold of me and grinned into my face. I looked at my watch and he did make it in five minutes. I growled; if only he had been two seconds late then I would have my nice massage. Oh boy, he did know how to cheat and get his own way.

At that moment, Emma and Jesse decided to walk in. I could tell that they were trying so hard not to laugh. I just gave them a faulty grin and jumped out of the pond. I held my hand out to help Brennan. I remember he smiled and took my hand, only to pull me back in. It felt so nice to be in his arms, so comfortable and calm.

Emma and Jesse spoiled the mood by telling us that we have a mission. I looked at Brennan, expecting him to be as moody as I was for doing so many missions, but his face was happy and pleased for having one more. I remember he smiled at me and told me that it would be ok.

The day of the mission was the day I prefer not to remember. The day that I lost control. The day Brennan died. In my rage and grief over his death, I killed all the evil mutants that were left standing. No one had ever died such a painful death. But it didn't make me feel better – I still killed Brennan.

You see, the mission had been a trap. By Mason Eckhart himself. He sent Brennan into other room, then, he did something to me. Made me evil and yet I was good inside, but I couldn't control my actions. He seemed so pleased; it was the day I fought my last battle as a part of Mutant X. He made me kill an innocent man with my bare hands. I tried to fight myself but I lost. I had to watch the pain and the fear in the victim's eyes. I regretted myself for watching and not fighting more against the evil inside me.

Eckhart told me that the evil came from inside me. It has been there my whole life, and it had built up and up and he only freed the evil from me. He said that my evilness was much stronger than my goodness and that was why I couldn't fight it.

I fought hard with myself but I knew that the power of darkness was stronger. But I was determined to change back to being good. I still tried.

But what I regret the most that day was the way I stood as an armored, evil, black monster over scared Brennan, my love, my angel. My handsome and gentle man. I towered over him while he fought back tears and begged me not to do it. I just looked at him helplessly as my claws played over his stomach. He looked at me in the eyes and he seemed to understand why I was doing that. He told me that it would be alright. That only made my demon enraged and I lost control once again. I drew my long claws and struck down my man.

As I cried, holding his dead body in my arms, I saw Eckart laughing out of the corner of my eye. The demon disappeared from me but the guilt and the fear didn't. I screamed in anger and sorrow. I couldn't believe what I had done. When I had to do impossible and nerve-racking missions, he was there to hold me and tell me everything would be alright and that he loved me. In one simple, short moment, I destroyed the one beloved thing I had left. My Brennan.

I held his hand for a while, slowly it turned cold. My legs just walked off with my body and head but my heart stayed with him.

I walked outside and saw the blue sky and the green grass and remembered that it was the very same place where we once picnicked. He would be laughing, setting the blanket down while I sorted out the foods. He would tell me make-up stories and claimed that they were true. It was the first time that we went out, away from the rest of the team.

I scanned the area and found the exact spot where we had fun under the sparkling stars and the moonlight.

Slowly I pushed aside the dirt, making a deep hole, not too deep so he won't be too far away. I went to get him, the blood having dried onto his clothes. His face was peaceful and calm. I just picked him up and carried him as if he was a feather. I lied down on the grass beside him for the last time. I ran my fingers across his lips, wishing that I could kiss him but I don't deserve to. I should be the one lying on the grass with no life left in me.

After a long while, I stood up and gathered the lifeless body and gently I put him into the grave. Once again, I moved the dirt but this time to cover up the handsome man. Tears came out of my eyes as I took the last handful of dirt and sprinkled it over the grave. I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye. I wasn't ready. It takes courage to say goodbye and courage I haven't got.

I just turned my back and limped away. I never looked back; I wouldn't, couldn't look back. If I look back once more then I wouldn't be able to bear the guilt and the pain.

I just put the day at the back of my mind and never spoke about it. But I will remember, the day when I became a prisoner of my own mind. I will remember the day, I didn't say goodbye… but most of all, I will remember the day when the demon died inside me, leaving behind no life, no hope or any dreams.

I am just a walking dead, not alive but a prisoner of my own mind…

Brennan, don't make me say goodbye…please.

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