A/N: I would like to thank Ouatic7 for finding all those mistakes. They have been fixed. Also, I have carefully reread the last chapter, and this chapter, which means that there are still about a dozen errors. As a piece of trivial: Nits are the discarded egg casings of head lice. A nit is very small and, since the louse has already hatched, is harmless. Isn't education wonderful?

I also thank Romantic2 for liking the last chapter. And you will be happy to know that, now that everyone knows Malcolm's name, there will be no more of those name jokes you didn't like. Well . . . maybe one more.

I want to thank Ghostdraconi for wishing me a Merry Christmas, and for liking Malcolm's affect on Hermione. I have this vision of Malcolm in a hockey mask, holding a roman candle, and saying in a guttural voice, "I am your brother, Hermione." (That's a pun on Star Wars for those who didn't get it.) (For those who really didn't get it, it's a takeoff on the phrase, "I am your father, Luke.) (And before anyone asks, NO, this is not becoming a SW/HP crossover.) (If you would like an absurd thought, a SW/MITM crossover. "I am your father, Malcolm.")

I apologize for the rambling. I blame it on too much Eggnog and Marzipan.

Chapter Sixteen: Classes Begin

"Malcolm," Ron asked as they prepared for bed. "I've been wondering. Do you fancy Hermione Granger?"

"What do you mean?"

Seamus Finnigan laughed. "Ron wants to know if ye like her."

"Yeah, of course I like her."

Seamus smirked. "Do ye really like her?"

"Yes," Malcolm said with a touch of anger. "I really do like her. Really. Why is that so hard to understand?"

"Well," Ron replied, "we've noticed she tends to be bossy and a know-it-all."

"First of all, she's not bossy," Malcolm said sternly. "And she doesn't know everything. She just knows how to find out anything she wants to know. That doesn't make her a know-it-all. And even if she did . . ."

"I'm sorry I said anything," Ron said noisily. He turned aside to the others in the dorm. "That's why he fancies her. Birds of a feather."

Malcolm stared in surprise as everyone laughed.

I know they're laughing at me but I don't know why. Just because I said I like Hermione. Uh, oh. I just realized what fancy means.

"Um, Ron. Why did you ask me if I fancy Hermione?"

"That's what Fred told me. He said it was the only reason you'd make up lies like being her brother."

"No it isn't. I can think of plenty of reasons."

They didn't have to agree so quickly. But I'm not worried. Ron already told me that his brothers like to play practical jokes. Nobody will believe them.

Malcolm dressed the next morning and went down to the common room. Hermione and the first years from her dorm were waiting for him.

"Malcolm," Hermione said warmly as she walked up and took his hand. "Would you help me win a bet I have with the other girls?"

"Sure."

Hermione kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you. I mean that."

Malcolm frowned as a couple of the girls giggled. "So, Hermione, what's the favor?"

What's wrong? That girl, Lavender Brown, her jaw just dropped to the floor. And the others are staring at me like I did something stupid.

"That was the favor, Malcolm. They said you'd never let me kiss you, because . . ."

"He fancies you," Neville Longbottom offered. "He told us last night."

"That's not true," Malcolm argued. "Well, yes it is, but I didn't mean it like that."

Aware of the stares Malcolm was receiving, Hermione grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the entrance. "Why don't we go to breakfast?"

"I don't believe it," Ron said as Malcolm went out the entranceway. "She already has him on a leash."

Malcolm groaned. He groaned all the way to the Great Hall.

"It isn't that bad," Hermione insisted. "I know you like me. And I know you don't like me as much as everyone else thinks." She smirked. "You like me as though I was your sister."

"That's not true," Malcolm said. "If I thought of you as a sister, I wouldn't like you at all."

"Here they come," Hermione said in between giggles. She smirked and said in a loud voice as the other first years sat down, "I'm glad you don't think of me as a sister."

"You're enjoying this. Aren't you?" Malcolm whispered.

"I thought I would pay you back for Trafalgar Square."

"Why not pay me back for the school yard."

"Later." Hermione grinned.

It's almost funny. Hermione led me to Transfiguration without a problem. Which was a good thing. I was going to go with Ron and Neville but they got lost and came in late. McGonagall was not happy. Then we went to Charms. I mean, I like Hermione and I understand that the girls think it's great that she has a boyfriend. But I'm a guy. I'm Eleven. I know what I would do if I found out another guy my age had a girlfriend. And now I know I'm normal for my age group.

"There they are. Kissy. Kissy."

"Very funny, Seamus."

"First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Malcolm with a baby carriage."

"Clever, Dean, Clever."

"Malcolm and Hermione sitting in a tree . . ."

"Ron!"

"Boys," Hermione said sternly. "You're embarrassing Malcolm by your remarks. You shouldn't be rude."

The girls agreed with her. "They're so immature." "My mother says they never get past this stage." "Hermione would snag the only decent boy around."

"Excuse me," Neville asked. "Why is Malcolm hitting his head on the desk?"

I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want . . .

"Class to order," Professor Flitwick said as he called the class to order. "Malcolm. Please stop that. It's very painful."

"This class will come to order." Severus Snape walked briskly into the dungeon classroom. "There will be no foolish wand waving in this class." He reached his desk and turned around glaring at half the students, giving an extra glare at Malcolm.

At least my scar didn't hurt me this time. And who cares about brewing fame. With his attitude, I just want this class to be over.

"And there he is," Professor Snape said, "Our newest celebrity. Malcolm, are you as smart as everyone claims you are?"

"Oh, yes, Sir," Malcolm said, grinning like a fool.

"Wonderful. Then you won't mind answering a few questions for me. To show everyone exactly how smart you are."

"That would be fun." Malcolm's grin widened.

Snape grinned as well. "Where would I find a bezoar?"

"That's easy. E-Bay."

Snape's grin froze in place as he stared at Malcolm. (Some of the muggle born students laughed but Hermione put her hands over her eyes and shook her head.)

"What is an ebay?"

"On the internet. You can find anything there. Oh, right, you don't have computers. Never mind."

"I'll put that down as a wrong answer."

"Whatever." Malcolm kept grinning.

Hermione groaned.

"Let's try this again. And try to give a serious answer. What is the difference between Monkshood and Wolfbane?"

Hermione groaned again.

"Stop that noise, you foolish girl." Snape slapped the desk in front of Hermione forcing her to look up. "Five points from Gryffindor for making a disturbance. Your answer, Malcolm."

"One letter." Malcolm paused. "Should I elaborate?"

"Please do," came the icy reply.

"It's simple. Monkshood has nine letters and Wolfbane has eight letters. That's a difference of one letter. That's the difference." Before Snape could comment, Malcolm continued. "You could look at it a different way. There are three o's in Monkshood so that's only seven different letters but Wolfbane has eight different letters. There's still a difference of one letter. It's all wordplay, really."

"Really."

The truth is, I do know the answer to that one but I'm not going to admit it.

Snape shook his head. "I'll mark that as another wrong answer. Shall we try for a third question?"

"Third time pays for all." Malcolm's grin never wavered. Hermione did not groan but she did cover her eyes.

"Malcolm, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"

Malcolm frowned. "In the States, you'd get at least ten years. If you plea-bargained it down to possession you could get away with rehab, but you'd better get a good lawyer." Malcolm paused for effect. "Professor, are you a junkie?"

The entire class went quiet. Snape turned around, completely red in the face with anger. "YOU . . . IMPERTINENT . . . LITTLE . . . EXPLETIVE DELETED."

Hey, I learned a new word. I wonder what it means. I should ask.

Dumbledore smiled at his visitor. "And why do I have the pleasure of your company, Malcolm?"

"I accused Professor Snape of being a drug addict."

Dumbledore's smile became a frown. "That was not very wise, considering you will be in his class for several years."

"He hates me anyway. He called me a celebrity, then started asking all sorts of question and expecting me not to be able to answer them."

"But you didn't answer them."

"I could have, but that would have made him mad."

Dumbledore nodded thoughtfully. "So you gave him absurd answers and then insulted him."

"I guess he told you."

"No. He was too angry to phrase his complaint clearly. I merely chose the most logical explanation based upon what I know of everyone involved."

Malcolm was in awe. "That's amazing. I never knew a teacher who bothered to do that."

"Thank you, Malcolm, for that backhanded compliment. Now, what shall we do as far as your punishment?" Dumbledore looked directly at the boy. "If you suggest we forget about it then I will make sure you return home as quickly as possible."

"Yes, Sir," Malcolm said in a cowed voice. "I think anything you suggest would be fine."

"An excellent answer. Why don't we start with a written apology followed by several detentions with your head of house?"

That's a relief. I thought I'd have to deal with Snape for detention as well. I guess I should be thankful for small favors.

"Thank you, Sir. I'll get started on the apology right away."

Dumbledore smiled. "What a wonderful idea."

Hermione stood by as Malcolm sat in the common room writing. After three solid hours of effort, he was already on his second line.

"Do you need help, Malcolm?"

"Yeah, how do you tell a lousy git that you're sorry for insulting him. And it's got to sound believable."

I got the word 'git' from Ron. In exchange, I taught him to say 'dang'. I think I got the better end of the deal.

"I can do it," Hermione said as she sat down next to Malcolm. "After all, you did it for me. It's the least I can do."

What's she talking about? I did it because Snape is a jerk, excuse me, a git.

"I mean," Hermione said blushing slightly, "I'm sure you would have given the correct answers. After all, I knew them. But, you know, after he called me silly . . ."

"Well, Okay," Malcolm said. "I'll let you write the letter, but I'll still do the detentions."

"Thank You, Malcolm."

Hermione hugged Malcolm then took his quill and began writing. Malcolm looked up smiling to see Ron and Neville watching him. He dropped the smile at once.

"Um, hi guys."

"Hi, lovebirds," Neville answered as Ron snickered.

"Hi, Neville, Ron," Hermione said without looking up. "Malcolm, why don't you go play with them while I finish your . . . homework for you."

"Yeah, great idea," Malcolm said in a voice that would sour lemonade.

"Yeah, Let's play," Ron said, laughing with Neville as they walked out of the common room.

Hermione looked up to see Malcolm still sitting there. "Go on. I told you I'd take care of this."

Malcolm got up and stormed toward the entranceway only to be stopped by Fred, or George, it was hard to say.

"Tell me, Malcolm," Gred asked him in a whisper. "Why do you like her?"

Malcolm smiled and answered in a low voice, "She's doing my homework for me."

"Good point," Forge whispered back. "Since Ron left, would you like to come play with us? Fred and I . . ."

Aha, it is George.

". . . are going to practice Quidditch. Would you like to try your hand on a broom?"

Malcolm stood in Professor McGonagall's office. With him were Fred, George and Oliver Wood.

"And the three of you let him use a broom IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF THE RULES?"

McGonagall glared at the three older boys when they nodded. She paused, then asked, "How good is he?"

"He's a natural," George said at once.

"He's better than that," Fred insisted.

"We could win the cup with him as our seeker." Oliver Wood's grin was quickly matched by the Professor.

"I'll have to talk to Dumbledore. Wood, I'm putting you in charge of Malcolm. As part of his punishment for insulting Professor Snape I want you to run him ragged, and to keep it a secret."

"I can do that," Oliver said with glee. "Malcolm, eat a light supper. And eat quickly. We'll be going back to the pitch until it gets dark."

Oh, what a horrible punishment. To practice flying on a broom until I'm too tired. It's the first time I've ever been on a broom and I know I'll never get tired of it.

Malcolm ate almost nothing at supper. Hermione demanded to know why but he wouldn't, and couldn't, tell her. Then he left as quickly as he could. Hermione was there when he finally returned to Gryffindor an hour after sunset.

"Malcolm, where did you go?" She saw how sweaty and dirty he was. "What happened to you?"

Fred and George came in at that moment, in the same condition as Malcolm. They both grinned when they heard Hermione's questions.

"That's easy to explain." "Little Ronnikins didn't want to play with Malcolm." "So we let Malcolm play with us." "Only Malcolm got tired of playing with us." "Isn't that right, Malcolm?"

"Almost," Malcolm said. "I didn't get tired OF playing with you guys. I got tired FROM playing with you guys."