A/N: Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing. In case anyone is interested, this is the last chapter of the alternate history. Then we get back to the story. That is, we continue with the story. Now that I think about it, I could start all over again, but this time instead of replacing Harry with Malcolm I could replace Hermione with, hmmm, how about Wednesday Addams?

Chapter Eighteen: Halloween

"Did you notice," Lavender Brown asked Hermione Granger as they walked out of the classroom, "how Malcolm always starts to smile before he does something stupid?"

Hermione laughed. "Why did you ask that? Was he smiling?"

Lavender laughed with her. "Just as the class was ending. I'm curious what he's going to do now."

"As long as I'm not around, I don't care."

Lavender nodded her head. "He does carry things too far, sometimes."

"All the time," Hermione replied. "Malcolm can't understand what it means to be responsible. He never thinks about anyone but himself. He's the most selfish boy I know."

"But you like him?"

Hermione sighed. "To a point. He's nice enough but he doesn't know when to stop . . ."

They turned a corner and found themselves face to face with Malcolm. Hermione realized at once that he had heard most of the conversation, if not all of it. Especially her criticism of him.

"Excuse me," Malcolm said in a low voice, and walked quickly away.

"Malcolm," Hermione called, but he didn't answer.

Lavender gave a shrug. "He'll just use that as an excuse to play some trick on you, you know."

"You're probably right," Hermione said as they kept walking. "Tonight's the Halloween feast. He'll want to do something."

I'm a jerk. All this time I thought we were friends. At least Ron's honest about putting up with me. I thought I was being cool and now I know. Everyone's been laughing at me behind my back. I should blame it on Fred and George for being a bad influence.

Who am I kidding. I screwed up. I keep acting as though I'm still at home. Someone, like Reese, will do something to me unless I get him first. I'll be nice from now on. I'll stay out of everybody's way. Then no one will have any complaints.

Malcolm wandered through the school for a while, turning down empty hallways when the other alternative was meeting someone. Although he would never admit it, he was feeling sorry for himself. At one point he passed a window which could be opened, and made a decision. He opened the window and climbed up on the sill. Going to the very edge, he leaned over. Then he spit.

It went all the way to the ground, and I still don't feel any better.

For the lack of anything better to do, he sat down and looked out over the school grounds. He was still there when the sun finally set. He didn't bother going to the Great Hall because he couldn't make himself feel hungry.

The Halloween feast was well underway when Malcolm heard the noise. He turned around from his perch on the open window to see Hermione standing there with Ron coming up behind her.

"What do you want?" Malcolm answered snidely.

"To warn you about the troll," Ron said anxiously. "There's one loose in the school."

"You followed me?" Hermione said in surprise, and a hint of appreciation. Ron nodded, giving her a weak smile.

"A troll?" Malcolm asked.

What a lame story. I've thought of better stories in my sleep.

"Tell me," Malcolm asked with amusement. "What does this stupid troll look like?"

Hermione's eyes went wide. She pointed down the hallway. Malcolm turned around.

Lumbering down the hallway was the largest (and only) troll that Malcolm had ever seen. His first thought was that he had been right to call it stupid. His second thought was to jump as the troll's club was heading right for the spot where Malcolm was sitting. Fortunately, Malcolm remembered which way to jump.

"Quick, in here," Ron called out.

"You can't go in there," Hermione complained. "That's the girl's bathroom."

"And that's a troll," Ron said, forcing the issue.

They both grabbed Malcolm and dragged him into the bathroom closing the door behind them. For added safety they huddled in one of the stalls.

"We're safe," Ron told them. "Trolls are too stupid. It'll never figure out how to open a door."

The door suddenly splintered, smashed into a thousand pieces by the blow of the troll's club.

"I wonder why they never learned," Malcolm said sarcastically.

"We'll stop it," Hermione said with assurance as she drew her wand.

"How?" Ron asked. "Trolls are too hard headed. And they're almost immune to magic."

"DUCK," Malcolm shouted, making his contribution to the conversation moments before the bathroom stalls were reduced to half of their previous height.

"My wand," Hermione shouted. It had flown out of her hand and landed under the sinks.

Malcolm saw Hermione begin to crawl across the floor, and glanced at the troll. It had spotted Hermione as well and was raising its club.

"Hey, Moron," Malcolm yelled as he suddenly stood up. Yelling didn't work. He grabbed a large wooden splinter and ran at the troll's feet. As the club came down at Hermione, Malcolm jammed the splinter into the troll's little toe, just under the toenail. The troll screamed. The club missed its target by three feet, smashing a pair of sinks. And the troll kicked out in pain. Malcolm hurtled through the air, hitting the far wall and sliding down.

Do you know what's really amazing? I don't feel any pain at all. I can't move any part of my body, and I see all these really bright stars, but no pain. At least the floor feels really soft.

As Malcolm lay there, he heard Ron's voice shouting the floating feather spell. A few seconds later he heard a loud thunk followed by a louder thump. There was silence for a minute and Malcolm's vision cleared up. Ron was staring at him.

"Are you hurt?"

"I feel weird, but nothing's broken." Malcolm said as he rolled over and passed out.

"Malcolm?" Madame Pomfrey's voice could be heard clearly.

Malcolm opened his eyes. He was in the infirmary. "What happened?"

"You wrestled a troll, and lost. Do you remember the troll?"

"Yeah, he kicked me."

"Be thankful that's all that he did. You are very lucky to be alive."

"Very lucky, indeed," Albus Dumbledore said as he stepped into Malcolm's line of sight.

"I'm sorry, Professor," Malcolm said automatically. "For all the trouble I've caused."

Dumbledore chuckled. "Am I to assume, Malcolm, that you let the troll into the school? Or should I assume that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time?"

"But I was wandering the halls."

"Which isn't forbidden."

"And I'm always causing trouble."

"You annoyed that troll. I know that much. Miss Granger told me how you attacked the creature to keep it from injuring her." Albus smiled. "I can live with those kinds of problems."

"Then you're not mad at me?"

"I have never been mad at you, Malcolm. Annoyed, upset, disappointed, troubled, vexed but never mad. You have a lively spirit which I find quite refreshing."

"Really? But everybody hates me because I 'don't know when to stop'. Those were Hermione's words."

"You learned to stop," Hermione said suddenly. "You stopped once you hit that wall."

Malcolm looked over and saw Hermione sitting up in the bed next to his. "What happened to you?"

"You had to land somewhere after you hit the wall. You picked me."

"Sorry."

Hermione smiled. "It was better than my other option. I'd rather you than the club."

"As to your punishment," Dumbledore said. There was mischief in his eyes. He turned around to Madam Pomfrey. "Send Mister Weasley in. He should be a witness to this."

Ron walked in, smiled at Malcolm and Hermione. He sat in the chair between their two beds and listened with them at the Headmaster's pronouncement.

"Now that all three of you are here." Dumbledore tried to frown and smile at the same time. "There will be no more talk about boyfriends and girlfriends for, um, the next two years at least. Such is the talk of romance and not of humor. Please wait until you are all old enough to understand what it is you are making jokes about. Is that understood?"

"Yes, Sir," Malcolm said sadly. "Do I have to quit the team?"

"I do believe your mother expressly forbade you from doing so. Which reminds me. Miss Granger, please do not write any more lies to Malcolm, his mother, or any other member of his family. It will not be appreciated when they find out."

"But I didn't lie to Malcolm's mother," Hermione pointed out.

"What?" Malcolm asked in surprise.

"It's just that you're so stubborn, Malcolm. You didn't even ask your mother about getting the broom. And I didn't write one letter. I wrote three. After Lois replied to my first letter, we both realized . . ."

"Wait a minute. You're on a first name basis with my mother?"

"Of course. Intellectually, we're equals, but she has a great deal of experience as well. Anyway, we quickly realized you wouldn't believe the truth, that your mum really believes in you, and in the importance of extracurricular activities. So she told me to lie about it."

"And the Howler? Was that part of the plan?"

Hermione grinned widely. "No, it wasn't. When Lois found out about them, she wanted to try one out. That was just for fun."

Yeah, that's Mom. Humiliation as entertainment.

"And it was amusing," Dumbledore said as he turned to go. "I will leave you to Madam Pomfrey's care."

Once the headmaster left, Malcolm turned to Ron and Hermione. "I'm sorry. For acting like a jerk all the time."

"You don't mean that?" Ron asked. "That was the only thing I liked about you."

"You're joking." Two voices said.

Ron stood up and looked at both Malcolm and Hermione. "Why would I lie about something like that?"

"You've been hanging around Malcolm too long?" Hermione suggested.

"Both of you, listen. You've both been raised as muggles so you don't know what it was like. Us wizard-borns have heard the stories all our lives. The Boy-Who-Lived. How he defeated You-Know Who while still in his cradle. The most powerful wizard in our time. Every witch and wizard our age has had him held up as an example of the perfect child. My mum's told me a hundred times and more, 'the Boy-Who-Lived would never do something like that.' 'Do you think that's the way the Boy-Who-Lived would act?' And on and on. And I came to Hogwarts . . ." Ron smiled at this point. ". . . and I find out that the Boy-Who-Lived gets yelled at more than I do for doing worse things than I've ever done. Malcolm, to all of us who suffered by being compared to you, you're a hero."

"Cool," Malcolm said as Hermione started laughing.

"So what happened," Malcolm asked as the three friends walked back to Gryffindor Tower.

"After I saved the two of you," Ron smirked, "McGonagall rushed in with Quirrell and Snape. She tried to get them to carry you to the infirmary but Quirrell started acting all funny. Snape had to carry you by himself. I think he hates you even more for that. He hurt his foot somehow and he was limping the entire way."

"That isn't all," Hermione added. "I told them the truth about what happened. Ron and I lost five points each for not going back to the dorms like we were supposed to, but all three of us received five points for defeating the troll. That puts us five ahead."

"Whoopie," Malcolm said callously.

"My feelings exactly," Ron concurred.

Hermione stopped, making the boys stop as well. "Malcolm, I hate to tell you this, but thank you."

"For what?"

"For being completely irresponsible."

"Okay. You've officially confused me. Yesterday morning you were telling Lavender that you hated me because of that."

"I was thinking about what Ron had said. You're a hero to me, too." Hermione laughed as Malcolm gave her a confused look. "Remember when we passed by my old school. Those girls stopped to talk to me, because of you. They never did that before."

"I told you. They just needed something to talk to you about."

"You did that here, too. Malcolm, the other girls talked to me because of you. They wanted to know what you were like. And they wanted to know about me. By the end of the first week we were all close friends. Being smart didn't get in the way. You taught me how to talk to people instead of talking at them. Thank you."

Malcolm couldn't think of a thing to say. Ron ended up answering for both of them.

"That's what friends are for, Hermione. We help each other. Isn't that right, Malcolm?"

Friends?

"Hermione," Malcolm said nervously. "I have to tell you. You were the first friend I ever had. I've always been too smart for my own good."

"I know," Hermione said as she began walking again. "Your mum told me."

Ron smirked at Malcolm's stunned expression. "She's the sister you never had."