Hello there everyone, I've got the next chapter for you all and I'm very excited for you guys to read it.

I know this one is pretty short compared to what I usually write, but I wanted to focus this solely on Matt and how he's feeling. And writing a little bit less also made it possible for me to get this chapter out to you guys this week, but I hope you still like it regardless. I'm really proud of how this one turned out.

Happy reading, and I'll see you all next time.

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety Seven

"…I can't stop thinking about how I wanted to get rid of my daughter."

Severide's brows furrowed together as those pained words left Casey's lips, confusion soon settling in the air around them as the Lieutenant couldn't make sense of what he was saying.

"What are you talking about?" Kelly asked back, his mouth moving faster than his brain as Matt reluctantly met his gaze, the look on his face holding one thing; and that was shame. "Matt…"

"I'm talking about how I wanted Gabby to have an abortion." He spoke, Matt's voice bitter as realization soon spread across Severide's face, his lips parting like he wanted to say something. But then he quickly closed them, unsure of what to say as this was one of the last things he had been expecting to be on Casey's mind.

He figured his friend was worried about Dawson, that the issues during Sofia's delivery were stressing Casey out and making him worry. That he was just being the father and husband he always had been, and couldn't help but be concerned for his wife and child. That's what he thought was bothering his friend, or something like it.

But he never expected it to be this. He never once imagined that this is what had Casey so upset; that he was holding onto that regret from the beginning of Gabby's first pregnancy.

It was so long ago, Kelly had nearly forgotten about it. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he remembered how scared Casey was. How angry he was, and how at one point, when he thought there was no other option, Matt was almost desperate for Gabby to get an abortion. But so much had happened since then, not only with life in general but in Casey and Dawson's lives that Severide never thought much about it again.

But clearly, the same couldn't be said for Matt, Severide seeing that regret and disgust Casey was holding onto. Those feelings directed towards himself as Kelly slowly started to shake his head.

"I wanted her to have an abortion, I wanted to get rid of my daughter. Of my baby- God, what kind of father does that?" He continued on, anger seeping out of him as he ran his hand quickly over the side of his face. "And it wasn't even that I just wanted it, I was insistent on it. I fought Gabby about it, over and over again, I was willing to do that to my own child. To my Sofia. And now that we're pregnant again, it's like that's all I can think about… How terrible I was to my wife, and to my daughter. And I hate myself for it."

His chest was almost heaving by the time he got the words out, Matt moving his head back and forth roughly while Severide watched him with sad eyes. But he stayed silent, as he wasn't sure what to say when Casey was holding onto so much hurt and anger at himself, for things that happened years ago.

But Severide knew he had to say something. Even if he didn't have the right words, he needed to do anything he could to help his friend, as this was clearly something Matt had been struggling with for a while. Though before he could talk, Casey spoke up once more. And Kelly let him, as he also knew that however deep this went, it was probably for the best to let Matt get all of it off his chest before trying to help him.

"And this whole pregnancy thing, it's… It's always been a hard thing for us. Me and Gabby." He continued on, like he himself was attempting to work through what all was going on in his mind. "After losing our first child, then Gabby's aneurysm, it's never been easy." Matt spoke, his head hanging towards the ground as Severide nodded. "Even before we found out about Sofia, there's always been hard feelings about all of this. But it was something we always talked about, before and after Sofia was born… About what we wanted, how we wanted to have kids. And then everything with Caity, her coming into our lives the way she did, it's like it was meant to be." He breathed out, his thoughts all over the place while Kelly did his best to follow where this was going.

"It just felt right, it always did with her. But when we decided to adopt Caity, Gabby and I talked about it again, having another biological child. And when we did, I told her I wasn't sure if I could handle another pregnancy. After what she went through, what almost happened to her, at the time the thought of that was too much… But then when I found out about this baby, it's like that fear went away." He spoke, his voice muffled while his head faced his desk. "Of course I was scared. Before we saw Dr. Tanner, I was terrified something might've been wrong, even if I was trying to act like I wasn't. For Gabby, I tried… But even though a part of me was scared, I was just- I was happy. The thought of having another baby makes me so happy, I am so excited about this. About having another child, giving our girls another sibling. Nothing makes me happier." He rambled out, Kelly watching him as he shifted around in his seat, before gradually lifting his head.

"But that feeling, that excitement.. All of it made me realize that it wasn't that I was scared of Gabby having another baby. Or of her being pregnant, not like I was before… What I was scared of was going through another pregnancy. Of being reminded of what all happened with Sofia, what all I did when Gabby was pregnant." He got out regretfully, the frown on Kelly's face deepening as Matt met his gaze. "Knowing how absolutely awful I was to them, to Gabby and Sof, it-"

He stopped himself, shaking his head abruptly side to side before Kelly took in a deep breath. "Matt…"

"I nearly killed them." He interjected, the tears forming in his eyes impossible to miss as Severide felt his heart sink down into his stomach, those words jarring to both of them. But to Matt, they were true. "I could've hurt them- I did hurt them, because I was such an asshole."

"That was a long time ago, man."

"It doesn't matter." Casey spoke, almost abrasively. "I still did it. Not only did I want to abort our child, I put Gabby in the hospital. I put our child in danger… I did all of that because I was mad, and I don't know how to get past it."

His admission was heavy, Severide swallowing thickly when he saw more tears gathering in Casey's eyes, the pain and hurt inside him becoming overwhelming as he was no longer able to conceal his emotions.

"I don't think I can get past it, because nothing excuses the way I acted. No matter what I was feeling, it never mattered. Not to the point where it should've put my family's lives in danger, but that's exactly what I did… And I'll never forgive myself for it." He told him, bringing his hand up to run over his mouth as he continued to collect his heavy thoughts. "Hell, I don't even know how Gabby ever forgave me for it."

"There was nothing for her to forgive." Severide tried, but Matt was wanting no part of it.

"We both know that isn't true." Casey pushed back defiantly, not giving Kelly the chance to cut in. "I was awful to her, to her and our baby. And even if you can somehow look past me wanting her to get an abortion, which I can't, that doesn't change how I made things so hard on Gabby." He continued on, the anger he felt towards himself only growing as his fist tightened on top of the desk.

There were a lot of things about that time Matt didn't like to remember, but some of the hardest were knowing how that was all time they'd never get back. All the moments and milestones they missed at the beginning of her pregnancy because of his anger and fear, and how he hurt his wife in the process. There was nothing he could ever do to fix that. And while he was thankful to get another chance now with this baby, it didn't take away those experiences they lost when Gabby was pregnant with Sofia.

And it was his fault.

"I made it impossible on her, while also wanting her to get rid of our baby… She should've never forgiven me for that. Because I hurt the two people I'm supposed to protect." He said roughly, while a lone tear finally escaped down his cheek. "And Gabby, she's… She's my world. Sofia is my entire world, and I was the one who tried to-." Matt stopped himself, his voice shaky as Severide immediately began to shake his head. "I just can't imagine my life without her, she's the best part of me. She's everything to me, that is my little girl. And I wanted to take that away, I was willing to lose that." He finished, Kelly forcing in another breath before saying the first words that came to his mind.

"No, you weren't." Severide replied sharply, Casey letting out a heavy sigh before he opened his mouth to respond. "No, Casey. Listen to me. You didn't want to lose Sofia. You didn't want Gabby to have an abortion, there is no part of you that truly wanted that. You just felt like you had no other choice." He spoke, his words strong as he needed to make sure Matt truly heard him. And, given his silence, he was hoping he had. "All of this, the way you felt back then- it was never a matter of wanting your child, of loving your child. We all know how badly you wanted that baby, you and Dawson both. You were just scared."

"But Sofia…"

"She wasn't Sofia then." Severide reasoned, Casey's eyes falling closed as he let out a small sigh, like he was struggling to wrap his mind around what Kelly was saying. "Not in the way she is now, she just wasn't. Yes, she's your baby. And I can't imagine what it's like to try and make that decision, but you were in an impossible situation. You were terrified of losing Gabby, of the love of your life dying, and looking at choosing between her and someone you didn't even know yet… And maybe it wasn't the right decision, but no one faults you for the way you were feeling. Especially not Gabby." Severide reminded him, seeing a flash of something he couldn't quite read appear in Matt's eyes. "You both struggled when you found out she was pregnant, and I'm not saying any of this completely excuses the way you acted. You know it doesn't, but you being scared doesn't make you a bad person. And it sure as hell doesn't mean you're a bad father."

Severide's words hung in the air as the two went quiet for a moment, Matt making himself take in a few deep breaths while he tried to come to grips with what all Kelly had told him. But that was easier said than done, especially when Casey had been holding onto this for a long time.

"...What are you thinking, man?" Kelly asked after a moment, Matt pursing his lips together before bringing his hand up to wipe away some of the water resting over his skin while letting out a shaky breath.

"I… I don't know. I'm not saying you're wrong, but I just-" He cut himself off, his head moving side to side before regaining Severide's gaze. "I feel so guilty, Kelly." Matt told him, his voice barely audible. "I feel so guilty for even thinking about aborting Sofia, for wanting Gabby to do that. For how I treated her because she wouldn't…"

"I know you do." Kelly was quick to validate his emotions. "And I know why you do, but I need you to listen to me when I tell you that you shouldn't." He added on, Kelly continuing before Matt could interrupt him. "I know it's not that simple, and that you won't just get over this. But you have to find a way to try… Cause Casey, I have never seen anyone be a better father than you've been to Sofia." Severide told him, seeing Matt watching him closely. Like those words were what he needed to hear. "From the moment she was born, before she was born, you've done everything you possibly could for her. That little girl is your life, you love her more than anything. With everything you have. You would take a bullet for her, you would die for her. You would do anything you had to to protect her, we both know you would. You have. I've seen it with my own eyes." He spoke, waiting for a moment before Matt slowly nodded in agreement before Severide kept on.

"I know you feel terrible about all of this, but Matt you can't let that control you. This can't consume you, to where it ruins things for you now. Not when there's nothing you can do to change what happened then… You felt cornered, you thought you could lose, at the time, the only person that mattered to you. All you were thinking about was trying to save your wife, you're not a bad guy for that." He finished strongly, Matt gnawing on the inside of his cheek while thinking over Severide's words, before he slowly nodded.

It made sense, what Kelly was saying. But a part of Matt still couldn't get himself to believe it, and maybe he wouldn't until he had time to take all of this in.

Or maybe it was because Severide wasn't the person he needed to hear this from.

"...Have you talked to Gabby about this?" Kelly questioned moments later, almost like he was able to hear what was going on in Casey's mind as the two friends locked gazes, before Matt slowly shook his head.

"I haven't… I haven't talked to anyone."

"Well, I think you should." Severide spoke clearly, leaving no room for argument as Casey clasped his hands together. "You need to talk to someone, and I have a feeling that person should be Gabby. Cause she's gonna tell you the same thing I am… I don't fault you for feeling this way, but no one holds any of this against you. No one blames you for wanting to keep Gabby safe, and you shouldn't either."

Casey blinked quickly, his leg shaking up and down while his eyes moved down towards his lap, the man feeling more and more vulnerable with every passing second as this conversation settled around them. Both of them knew there was no more than needed to be said, nothing else Kelly could do to help him. He had done everything in his power to try and help Matt see reason with this.

Now the rest of it was up to him.

Severide stretched out his neck while he moved through the hallways of 51, the firefighter having just returned from squad's latest call as it neared late afternoon in Chicago. They'd been tasked with a simple car accident, one that was- thankfully, more of a fender bender than anything else, with no bad injuries. Though despite that, it had still taken a good chunk of their day, between working the scene and cleaning everything up squad had been there for a couple hours.

But now that everything was taken care of, and they'd been able to go on about their day, Severide was glad to be back at the house, where he could hopefully have a little bit of downtime. As well as maybe check up on his friend.

It had been awhile since he'd spoken with Casey, and the Lieutenant hadn't seen much of him since. Granted, most of that time was spent out on calls, but when he had been in the house Matt was nowhere to be seen. After their brutal, and honest, discussion this morning, 51's Chief had pretty much kept to himself, holding himself up in his office as he didn't seem to want to be around many people today. And while Severide completely understood it, that didn't make it any easier for him to watch his friend struggle the way he was. To see him so lost and angry with himself, over something that no one could change. It was heartbreaking, seeing Matt like this, but Kelly knew all he could do now was be there for him.

There were a lot of emotions Casey was trying to deal with right now, a lot he was holding onto; most of which Severide couldn't understand. But at the end of the day, whether or not Kelly could relate to what he was feeling didn't matter. What did matter was making sure Matt wasn't going through this alone.

Blowing out a heavy sigh, Severide continued down the rather quiet hallway while he passed the conference room, his pace picking up as he was intent on making his way back to the bullpen to check on Matt. To maybe see if he needed to talk some more things through, or if he just wanted a quiet presence with him, whatever he needed, Kelly would give that to him. But once he made his way by the common room, his steps suddenly slowed when he caught sight of Dawson and Norris standing at the counter in the kitchen.

Their backs were to him, neither of them aware of his presence as they chatted away about something, Severide not even sure how long they'd been here as 61 had been out of the house almost all day. But they were here now, and the longer Kelly stood there the more he remembered that no matter his intentions, he wasn't really the person Matt needed. He wasn't the one who could help him.

Gabby was.

And that single thought is what caused Severide to quickly change his path, Kelly shoving his hands into his pockets as he started to walk through the common room past all the other first responders, most of whom were off in their own worlds before he got up to the counter.

"You sure you don't want any?" Severide heard Jemma offer, neither paramedic sensing his presence yet as he stood behind them.

"No thank you." Gabby told her, her hand resting over her stomach as Jemma gave her a smirk.

"Okay, well are you sure baby doesn't want any?" She tried again, Gabby letting out a soft laugh before shaking her head.

"I'm sure, thank you though." She said again, Jemma giving her a shrug before shoving a piece of the snack into her mouth.

"Dawson…" Severide spoke up once they finished their conversation, the woman jumping slightly as she hadn't expected him to be there before she turned around.

"God, Severide- You scared me." She told him, though her words were lighthearted as she let out a soft laugh, both her and Norris now facing him before he gave her a weak smile. "I didn't hear you come up behind me."

"Sorry." He replied, Gabby shaking her head a bit while Jemma smirked.

"Yeah, you're usually a lot louder than that, Kelly." Norris teased him, expecting some sort of retort back as they so often went back and forth with one another. But it never came, and once Gabby saw the look on Severide's face her back straightened a little, as she could tell rather quickly that something was bothering him.

"Everything okay?" Dawson was the first to question, Kelly pursing his lips together before glancing around the room, like he was checking to see who all was paying attention to them.

"Have you talked to Matt lately?" He asked a second later, Gabby's brows furrowing while she crossed her arms over her chest, unsure of where this was headed.

"Uh, I texted him a few times while we were out. Why?" She replied back, Severide pausing momentarily as his eyes flashed towards Jemma, before he refocused on Dawson.

"...Can we talk for a minute?" Kelly questioned, seeing an unreadable expression cover Gabby's face while Norris looked between them, clearly uncertain herself as to what was going on. And while it wasn't anything against her, and Severide knew Jemma was like family, he didn't want to speak about what Matt was going through with anyone other than Dawson. It wasn't fair to him, and given the nature of the subject the last thing needed was an audience to hear about how vulnerable he was right now.

"Yeah, sure." Gabby replied without much hesitation, though Severide could see her starting to become concerned, Dawson giving Jemma a nod before she followed Kelly out into the hallway through the side door, allowing them the privacy Severide needed as they stopped a few yards down the hall. "What's going on, Kelly? Is Matt okay?" She asked as soon as they were out of earshot from those in the common room, Gabby clearly wanting to know about whatever was going on with her husband.

Severide then grimaced, his reaction only making her more unsure before he nodded off towards the direction of Casey's office. "I think you should go talk to him."

Those words confused her, but she nodded regardless while waiting for him to elaborate.

"He's okay, physically at least, but he's… He's having a hard time." He settled on, unsure of how much to say as Matt was the only person who could truly explain to her what was going on in his head.

"About what? What happened?" She pushed, while already stepping past him in the direction of the bullpen.

"It's about this pregnancy, or your first pregnancy I guess." He continued, Gabby no less confused as she looked off down the hallway before glancing back towards Kelly. "We were talking earlier, about some of the stuff that happened when you were pregnant with Sofia…"

Gabby's face fell as his words trailed off, the paramedic forcing in a steadying breath while Kelly gave her as sympathetic a look as he could.

"And there's a lot he seems to be struggling with. I think you guys need to talk."

She gave him another nod, Dawson not needing to hear anything else before she headed off towards the bullpen after giving a quick 'thank you' to Kelly, her steps as quick as her pregnant body could take her. She navigated around the few bodies in her way, her nerves rising when she saw her husband sitting in his office, hunched over his desk while he appeared to work on some paperwork.

But the closer she got, the more she could tell he wasn't very focused at all, Gabby pushing open his door and stepping into the office without a thought. Casey lifted his head at the sound, ready to scold whoever came in unannounced. But when he saw who it was standing there, it was like his entire facade came down, Gabby suddenly seeing all the pain he was carrying as there were tears already sitting in his eyes.

"Baby…" She breathed out, soon shutting the door behind her as in that moment, Casey could tell she knew. Or that she at least knew some of it, Matt forcing himself to stay steady as she made her way to him, Gabby coming around the desk and leaning her weight down against the furniture while he turned his body towards him. "What's going on?"

The softness of her voice brought more tears to his eyes, his emotions wrecking havoc within him as he began to shake his head, that intense shame washing over him all over again while she reached out to rest her hand over his neck.

It was quiet between them for a moment, Gabby giving him all the time he needed before he slowly lifted his head, their gazes meeting as she got an up close look at the intense hurt he was feeling. And that alone broke her.

"I-" He started, clearing his throat as he shook his head back and forth before pushing the regretful words out. "...There's something I need to talk to you about."

Dawson sat quietly on the couch in their living room, the soft droning of the television really the only sound to be heard throughout their home, along with the occasional snores from both Matt and Sofia while they slept, as the three of them were curled up together. They had been laying like this for a while, most of the morning ever since dropping Caity off at school, and Matt and Sof had been asleep for almost as long.

With a few different pillows supporting her, Gabby was sitting comfortably at the end of the sofa, her feet propped up on the coffee table while Matt laid across the furniture beside her. His head was resting against her chest, his back up against the couch while Sofia slept in front of him, her little body cuddled up into his chest while her head was pressed into his neck. Even in his sleep, he made sure to protect her as he kept his strong arm around her back in an effort to not let her fall off the couch, his forearm cradling her entire body before his hand came to rest over Gabby's growing stomach.

That's how they'd been sleeping most of the morning, with her hand continuously rubbing light patterns over the top of her husband's head, hoping those movements combined with her and Sofia's presence would help him continue to rest. Cause after the day they'd experienced yesterday, and the tough conversations had about what all he was going through, she knew he needed it.

And truthfully, so did she.

To say everything that happened yesterday had blindsided her would be an understatement. When Severide came to her and told her something was going on with her husband, this was the last thing she was expecting. It was jarring to her, to not only find out that Matt had been struggling and she didn't know, but for it to be about things that happened years ago. To be over something that was such a distant memory, she had almost forgotten about it. Something she never, not once, had ever held against him, to find all of that out was like a punch to the gut. One that made her feel terrible, as she was still trying to come to terms with all of it.

Especially because she couldn't help but feel like she should've seen that something was wrong sooner.

By his own admission, this was something he'd been battling with for weeks, and she didn't know. She didn't notice something was wrong with him, and she should've. This was her husband, the man who gave his entire life to her and their babies, and maybe if she'd been paying closer attention she would've recognized what was happening. But she hadn't. She didn't see a thing, and because of that Matt had been dealing with all of this on his own.

And that broke her heart.

All of it did. Him carrying this alone, him feeling this way in the first place, every piece of this made her chest hurt.

But maybe the worst part of it was yesterday in his office, when Matt finally broke down those walls, and broke down to her, telling her what had been going on, those haunting, shaky words continuing to replay in her mind.

"I pushed it down all these years, but I feel so guilty, Gabby."

"I can't believe I ever wanted you to get an abortion, to give up Sofia.. It makes me sick."

"I tried to get rid of our baby."

"I hate myself for what I did to you, and to her."

"No matter what I do, or how good of a father I try to be, I can never take back what I did."

"I don't know how you ever forgave me for this."

The memory of their conversation was enough to bring tears to her eyes even now, that being one of the hardest talks they'd ever had as she couldn't remember the last time she'd ever seen Matt so upset. So broken, and mad with himself. It was an impossible thing to witness, and all she wanted to do was take his pain away. To make him believe that his fear then changed nothing about how incredible of a father he was, to do anything she could to carry this burden with him. Even though it didn't need to be there at all, as Gabby knew how much Matt regretted his actions from when they first found out about Sofia.

There was no denying how challenging their pregnancy with their youngest was, certainly in the beginning, when Matt's fear was driving his every move. He was angry, and terrified, and she knew that's what caused him to make the choices he did. And while she never agreed with his actions, and she wished that time in their lives had gone differently, she didn't hold it against him. She never blamed him for how he was feeling, or even how he thought it was best for her to get an abortion. She couldn't, and wouldn't. Because she knew why he felt that way. No matter how much it hurt her when he suggested getting an abortion, it was never about him not wanting their child. It wasn't about him wanting to fight with her. He wasn't trying to hurt her or their baby. He was just scared.

So for that to be weighing him down now, for all this to be coming back up again and to see him so broken was heartbreaking, Gabby wishing there was more she could do to assure him he had no reason to feel this way.

Of course she'd told him that, multiple times during their conversation yesterday she'd promised him that this wasn't guilt he needed to hold onto. That he was still the most amazing husband and father he's always been, and there was nothing he needed forgiveness for. She told him profusely that she didn't blame him for any of it. But for now, she knew her words could only do so much. She'd helped him, or at least she hoped she had, but one discussion wouldn't fix this. With as deep as these feelings went, it would take time for him to completely let this go.

But she could only hope, with her help and support, he'd be able to. Cause she didn't want him to keep feeling this way, to keep questioning himself as a father, all because of something that happened in the past. Something he didn't even truly want. And if Gabby had to spend the rest of their lives reminding him of that, she would. Whatever he needed, she'd do it.

Because as far as she was concerned, that was the least she could do for him.

Movement against her chest pulled Gabby from her deep thoughts, her eyes glancing down to see Matt's body shifting around. He couldn't move much, due to Sofia still sound asleep in his arms, but he was alert enough to where Gabby could tell he was waking up, the woman continuing to rub her hand through his hair before she leaned forward to place a kiss to the back of his head.

"Hi." He murmured into the comfort of their living room, Gabby smiling against him before kissing him once more.

"Hi… How'd you sleep?" She asked him, as he nuzzled himself deeper into her chest.

"Pretty good." He answered, Gabby nodding while scratching her fingers through his hair, knowing the action was always a calming one. "Did you get any rest?"

"I didn't, no… But it's been nice to just sit here with you all. The only thing that would make it better is if Caity was here." She replied, Matt nodding against her in agreement before that soft quiet soon filled their home again. But only for a couple moments, as Casey spoke up once more.

"Sof seems to be sleeping well." He commented, Gabby unable to stop the soft smile that covered her lips as she looked back down at her family.

"Yeah, she's been out." She responded easily, feeling him laugh at her words just as Sofia let out another soft snore. "Probably because she's with her Daddy. You make her feel safe."

Her statement sent a rush of warmth through him, the smile on his face growing as while he couldn't see his youngest daughter, he could feel her in his arms, Sofia's little fist clutching onto his shirt while her heavy breaths hit his neck.

"She loves you so much." Gabby added on, Matt nodding in response.

"I love her, too."

"I know." She replied gently, kissing his head again before she pulled back, moving her hand down to rub over his arm. "...You feeling okay?"

Casey paused for a moment, Gabby feeling his palm begin to move over her stomach before he slowly nodded. "I feel better." He answered her, Dawson smiling warmly at his words.

"Good." She whispered back, her thumb stroking over his arm. "But you know I'm here if you need to talk about anything. Whatever you're feeling, or thinking." She reminded him, as he nodded once more. "No matter what, I'm here for you."

"I know you are." He repeated, digging himself closer to her as his wife's presence comforted him more than anything else could, her love and compassion for him over this last day making it a little easier for him to navigate through all of this. "And I love you for that."

A warm smile appeared over her lips, Gabby holding onto him a little tighter as her hand slid down to his chest, knowing the best thing she could do for him right now was to just stay right here.

"I love you too, baby… Always."