The day my daughter found out what I do for a living… was one of the worst, most painful experiences.
It was a nice, autumn day. Winter was just around the corner, and with it, Tiffany's birthday, Christmas, New Years, and all that. It was a day I looked forward to, every single year. Tiffany had just gone off to school, already a sophomore in highschool, pretty much top of the class. Life seemed pretty good.
That same day, I had a shoot for a very big porn publisher. And if this team liked what I did, I might have even gotten a spot as one of their featured girls, more work, and more money to put into Tiffany's college fund.
Now, usually with these kinds of things, they rent out a studio, or a house somewhere in the middle of nowhere for privacy's sake and what not. Ends up working pretty well normally. However, I had gotten the idea then to offer my home as a suitable place to record, and they agreed. Initially, I was excited, knowing not only that my home was going to be used for my work, but looking back, I wouldn't make the same mistake.
The crew had come in probably an hour after Tiffany had left in the morning, so we had loads of time to set up the shot and get everything. At least, so I thought.
For some reason, it was taking ages to get everything set up. For context, the crew and equipment arrived not long after Tiffany's school day started. It took them a couple of hours to get the scene figured out, the cameras placed, lighting sorted, and an hour or so more for the guy I was supposed to film with to even show up. It was all a pretty big mess. By the time we actually started shooting the damn thing, Tiffany would have already been finishing up her last classes for the day.
That's where the issues really started. It's something that I completely forgot about. It was an early dismissal day for Tiffany, and I completely forgot about that at the time. So when we finally started to film, and things were just heating up, it was about time for Tiff to come home. When she got to the house, and saw what was going on, she was left speechless.
"Mom… what are you doing?" Her initial question was timid, but had a veneer of anger that I've never heard from her before. At least, not directed towards me.
"Tiffany! Umm, I know what this looks like, but it's not as bad as you think…" I started, trying to grasp at the words that would make this whole situation easier to swallow. Words that would maybe, JUST MAYBE, help me avoid what was coming to me.
"No, I don't want to hear it, Mom. I didn't want to believe it, didn't want to think what I was hearing at school was true. I wanted to PRETEND that you worked a normal job. But ALL THIS?! This is all the evidence I need to prove that I was MORE than wrong!" Tiffany then began to storm out of the house, tears running down her face.
Didn't want to think what I was hearing at school was true. The words sank in, and I couldn't help but chase after her.
I wanted to talk to her, to explain everything to her. I didn't want her to find out like this! My mind raced I went behind her, my heart sinking deeper into my chest as I did. The longer I didn't speak up, the harder it would be to explain everything.
"Tiffany, wait! Please, I can explain everything," I start, hoping she'd stop and be willing to listen.
"NO! I don't want to hear it!" She replied, stopping in her tracks. I stopped just behind her, shocked by her scream. It wasn't anger that poured from it, but sadness. Pain.
"This... this whole time, I thought everyone was just saying it because they wanted to get to me. I thought they were jealous of what I've and wanted to see me break. But I guess I was wrong..."
It was in that moment that I really understood what was going on. The gravity of the situation. I had hurt my daughter, more than I could ever understand. "Tiffany, listen. I'm sorry..."
"No. Please, don't. I don't want to hear it right now," the tears continued to streak her face, the pain I had caused her extremely apparent. What have I done? She then began walking towards the door again, but this time without me to stop her. I was too stunned, too heartbroken. What have I done? The only question that raced through my mind, this simple question, still haunts me to this day. And truth be told, I don't think I'll ever have an answer for it.