How I Feel

Chapter the twelfth: One Step Closer

"Please don't kill me," Shinichi begged, tears falling down his cheeks. Heiji's grip on his friend's wrists slackened. More tears ran down Shinichi's pale face as he wrenched his hands back and covered his face again. Heiji's shoulders slumped as he stared in shock for a few minutes.

"Kudou it's me!" he exclaimed. "Hattori Heiji!"

"No, you aren't real," Shinichi whimpered, clamping his hands tightly over his ears and squeezing his eyes shut. "You aren't real!"

"I'm real, I am!" Heiji insisted. Shinichi shook his head wildly.

"No…" he moaned. "It isn't real!"

"Kudou!" Heiji said gruffly. He shook the boy's shoulders and forced him to look into his eyes.

"It's not real, it's never real," Shinichi whispered.

"What are you talking about?" Heiji asked.

"You always come back but you're never really there," Shinichi cried. "It's always them again! Come to finish me off!"

"It really is me Shinichi," Heiji said. He pulled his friend toward him and embraced him tightly. "It's okay."

"I want to believe you," Shinichi sobbed into his shirt. "I want to so bad!"

"Shinichi," Heiji whispered. "Wake up."

---

Shinichi's eyes snapped open. He breathed heavily and tears leaked out of the corners of his eyes. He found he was gripping the bed sheets tightly and released them slowly. It was dark and the strong smell of disinfectant was making him gag. He turned his head slightly but winced and turned it back to the ceiling again.

He was lying down, he knew that. He turned his gaze, trying to see what his surroundings were, but it was too dark to see. Something was covering his eyes. He started to reach up to take it off, but his arm wouldn't make it to his face.

Thinking he was tied down, he started thrashing wildly. There was a sharp pain near his upper wrist and he whimpered. He yanked harshly and winced as his arm was freed. Hot, wet liquid ran down his arm, making him shudder. He raised his hands to his face and found thick bandages wrapped around his head, blocking his eyes.

He fingered the bandages for a few minutes before grasping them tightly and yanking at them harshly. He grunted when they came loose and tore them off the rest of the way. He looked around again, but found it was still dark.

'Why is it so dark here?' he wondered. He shoved the blankets off of him and crawled over the guard rail and of the bed. He swayed unsteadily on his feet and clutched the rail firmly to keep from falling. He ran his hands across the cool metal railing and shuffled across the tile floor.

The tiles were making his feet cold. He ignored the uncomfortable tingling on his bleeding wrist as he walked. He tripped over something on the floor and fell, hard. He groaned as he hit the floor. Hurried footsteps were heard from somewhere close, muffled by a wall or a door. He tensed and scrambled to his hands and knees, crawling away from the spot.

He hit a table of some sort and winced as a lamp jingled on the top and fell to the floor. It shattered horrifically loud, stinging Shinichi's ears. He cried out and clamped his hands over his ears, clenching his eyes shut. He heard a faint voice and loosened his hands slightly.

"What the –? Shinichi?" Heiji's voice asked. His breathing became more labored. There was quick rustling and suddenly someone was next to him. It was Heiji.

"What's happening?" Shinichi asked, sounding scared. "Why is it so dark?!" Heiji paused, scared himself.

"It – It isn't – oh," his voice faltered and he wrapped Shinichi in a tight hug. Shinichi's eyes welled up with tears and he buried his face in Heiji's shoulder and wrapped his arms around him, returning the embrace gratefully. Heiji embraced his sobbing friend and didn't let go. He closed his eyes forcefully, blocking his own tears from falling.

Neither looked up as the door opened and a man and a doctor rushed in. Heizo saw both beds empty and quickly scanned the room. His eyes softened as he saw the two teens in the corner of the room.

He'd heard the loud crash of glass breaking and a cry of pain and had quickly run to find the nearest doctor. It didn't even cross his mind that Kudou would be awake. But there they were, kneeling on the floor, Shinichi sobbing and Heiji shuddering with suppressed sobs. The doctor smiled slightly and ran from the room. Heizo took a hesitant step forward.

Heiji looked up slightly and noticed his father. He couldn't stop the tears from falling as he saw the pity in his father's eyes. He let out a broken sob and dropped his gaze, squeezing Shinichi tighter to him and crying into his shoulder. Heizo left the room and returned just minutes later with Ran in tow. Heizo knelt next to Heiji slowly while Ran practically flew to Shinichi's side. Heizo gently separated the boys and held his son close.

Ran pulled Shinichi to her and allowed him to cry into her shirt. He seemed to recognize her. He whispered her name quietly and hugged her back just as tightly.

"Oh Shinichi," she whispered. "I was so worried."

"Ran," he moaned, clenching his eyes closed. "Ran…"

"Its okay, Shinichi," she sniffed. "I'm here, I'm here."

"Ran," he sobbed quietly. He repeated her name over and over, as if he didn't believe she was actually there. The doctor returned and she gently coaxed him back into bed. The doctor replaced Shinichi's IV and ran a few tests. Finally, he injected something into Shinichi's arm and waited for a few seconds. The boy's eyes fluttered closed.

When he finished, he motioned Ran to follow him as he left. She complied, as did Heizo. The doctor sighed and fiddled with his clipboard and his paperwork.

"He's alright, or he will be," the doctor started. "But his head trauma seems to have caused prolonged loss of sight. I'm not sure how long it will last."

"But he will be able to see again?" Ran asked. The doctor frowned.

"There is no way to tell. It could be days or weeks. Months even. Maybe never," the doctor said gravely. Ran looked ready to cry. The doctor gave her a weak smile before turning on his heel and going to check on another patient. Ran stood silently for a few moments, then burst into tears and ran top speed down the hallway. Heizo hesitated and inaudibly made his way back into the hospital room. That night, all was quiet.

---

Days passed. Heiji and Shinichi were allowed to leave. Shinichi was staying with Ran and Kogoro as he healed. He was always quiet and stared blankly off into space. Ran was saddened by how depressed Shinichi was, but it was understandable.

His head wound had healed nicely, as did the shot from the tranquilizer. If he ever had spoken, it would be easy for anyone to tell that he was keeping his emotions locked up inside.

He was scared. Now that he was blind, there was no stopping anyone of his many enemies from attacking him. There was no way he could do anything to fight back if he couldn't even see his attacker in the first place. He was afraid to even step outside, not knowing who could be out there, just waiting for him to be alone. Vulnerable. Helpless.

The men in black had never been caught. They were still out there, probably watching him. He knew they wouldn't stop until he was dead. Heiji worried as well. He would never admit to anyone that he was actually scared of course, but it didn't stop him from being tormented by horrific nightmares. He woke up in a cold sweat every night fighting back the screams of horror that threatened to wrench out of his throat.

His dreams were always bloody and gruesome. He would always see Shinichi, lying dead and decapitated on the ground, staring up at him with blank eyes. He could always feel the pain as they tortured him for their sick pleasure. And the last thing he saw were their sick grins of laughter as the raised a revolver and trained it between his eyes. He woke up before he actually died every time.

Heiji was exhausted. It was obvious to everyone that he wasn't getting sleep. Black bags were constantly under his bloodshot eyes. Kazuha kept him in bed all day, sitting next to him with a smile on her face. He was thankful she spent all her time with him.

Currently, he was fighting to stay awake. Exhaustion was winning. After about five minutes of struggling with his mind, he finally drifted off to sleep.

---

Heizo burst through the door of the Hattori house with a scowl on his face. It had been a very hard and stressful day at the station and he was very tired. He poured himself a cup of hot coffee and sat down on the sofa. He sighed in relief and closed his eyes.

He was startled out of his silent calm when he heard a crash form Heiji's bedroom. He opened his eyes slowly and listened intently. There was faint rustling and quiet whimpers coming from his room as well. He stood gradually and walked over to his son's closed bedroom door. He put his hand on the doorknob and opened the door quietly.

Heiji was thrashing violently on the bed. Low whimpers escaped his slightly parted lips as he lashed out at an invisible attacker on the bed. Heizo walked swiftly over to the bed and grabbed Heiji's wrists tightly. Heiji shrunk back, tugging on his wrists futilely and uttering a low moan of protest.

"Wake up, Heiji," he whispered gruffly. "Wake up." But Heiji didn't wake up. He tried to yank his arms out of his father's strong grip but to no avail. Heizo's voice grew steadily louder, trying to pull his son out of the dream. Heiji screamed.

---

There they were again. The three men in black and the woman. Gin, Vodka, Rum, Martini. All had large smiles on their faces. Shinichi lay unmoving at their feet, eyes wide and mouth open in a silent scream. Blood pooled beneath him. A dark stain on the front of his best friend's T-shirt told him he was shot from front. He backed up slowly but ran into a wall.

He fell to his knees and tried to make himself as small as possible. They advanced slowly, menacingly. He cried out when two strong arms grabbed him and hauled him to his feet. They forced him onto a cold, metal table and strapped him down, grinning all the while.

He whimpered as a thick cloth was shoved into his mouth roughly, successfully cutting off his screams. He twisted and squirmed, trying in vain to release himself from the bonds. Someone tore his shirt down the front, popping off al the buttons and tearing the thin material savagely. He screamed into his gag as he felt a cool knife being impaled into his stomach. He clenched his eyes shut and tried to curl into himself, but his legs were tied down tightly.

He clenched his hands into tight fists as they yanked out the blade swiftly and held it to his throat. He tried to pull away, but he couldn't. Whoever it was laughed coldly at his struggles and made a deep but small cut on his neck. It bled heavily and stung horribly. He recognized the man at last as Rum took away the blade and climbed up onto the table.

Rum straddled the terrified boy's waist and lowered himself down so he was lying on top of him. He licked the bleeding wound on Heiji's neck slowly, digging his tongue deeper and making it bleed heavier. Rum didn't seem to notice that Heiji's blood was soaking into his clothes, or he didn't care. Heiji clenched his eyes shut tightly and shook his head back and forth violently. Rum laughed.

"Kill him," the two simple words echoed through the room, making Heiji struggled harder, whimpering and moaning through the gag. Rum pulled his mouth away from Heiji's throat and smiled widely, exposing his teeth stained with Heiji's blood. Heiji wanted to be sick.

Rum's bulky hands wrapped around his thin neck and squeezed tightly, blocking off air supply. He gasped and writhed underneath the large man desperately, but Rum held strong. Rum squeezed harder, applying extreme pressure and snapping his collarbone. Heiji's vision clouded and his eyes rolled back into his head.

---

"HEIJI!" Heizo screamed. Heiji twitched and lay motionless. His eyes fluttered open slowly and he gazed unseeingly at Heizo. He stared down at his son, eyes wide, waiting for him to do something. Heiji seemed to finally get his vision back and stared into his father's eyes, a look of horror marring his handsome features.

"Oh dad," he whispered brokenly. He curled up into a tight ball and squeezed his eyes shut. Heizo's shoulders slumped. He reached out but Heiji shook his head violently and pulled away.

"Heiji," he started, but Heiji shook his head harder.

"Just leave me alone, please," he whimpered. Heizo sighed and turned, leaving the room. He couldn't handle this. Heiji needed his mother or someone that could help that was sensitive. But his mother was gone, across the ocean to America for vacation. So he had to get the next best thing.

---

Kazuha and Ran waited anxiously in the living room of the Mouri house. Heiji was coming to stay for a while because his father was having some trouble. He'd told them Heiji was having trouble sleeping, and when he did he always woke up screaming or crying.

The front door opened and Kogoro ushered Heiji in. Kogoro left after, to go on a case out of the country. Heiji smiled brightly, but they could see the pain in his eyes as he walked up and sat next to them.

"So," he said, breaking the awkward silence. "What's happening?"

"Heiji," Ran started gently, "You look awful."

"Ran," Kazuha whispered, scolding quietly.

"How's Kudou holding up?" Heiji asked. Ran frowned, saddened suddenly.

"He's in the bedroom. He hasn't been doing well. Being blind hit him hard," she said forlornly. Heiji's smile slipped off his face slightly.

"Think he'll be okay?" he asked.

"I don't know. I just don't know," Ran replied.

"I'll try to talk to him," Heiji said. He got up slowly and walked down the hall to the bedroom and knocked gently. There was no answer. He knocked harder, but still got no answer. Sighing, he turned the doorknob and entered. Shinichi stared blankly out the window.

Heiji slowly walked up and stood behind him. He knew Shinichi wasn't seeing anything outside, but he followed his friend's blank stare and watched as the sun set slowly. Shinichi didn't seem to notice he was there, or if he did he didn't say anything. They stood in silence for a while when finally Heiji spoke.

"How are you holding up?" he asked. Shinichi sighed.

"Not good," he replied quietly.

"Well at least we're being honest," Heiji smiled. Shinichi smiled sadly and shifted in his chair. Heiji let out a quiet sigh.

"I'm sorry," he said finally.

"Sorry? Sorry for what?" Shinichi asked curiously, looking back in the general direction of Heiji's voice. Heiji gently turned Shinichi's head so he was looking in his unseeing eyes. Shinichi blushed a little.

"I'm sorry I didn't do anything to stop them. I could've prevented it; I could have saved you from being blind. But I didn't," Heiji said, talking through the lump in his throat. "And for that I'm sorry."

"You have no reason to be sorry. I probably deserved it," he said, laughing slightly. Heiji smiled.

"No, you didn't deserve it," he said.

"Don't blame yourself. It could've happened to anyone," Shinichi said. "It just so happens fate picked me as the lucky winner. It'll be fine."

"I hope you're right, Kudou. I hope you're right."

"Everything will be fine as long as we're careful," Shinichi said. "They'll never find us."

But they weren't careful enough.

---

Wow! I've never had so many reviews for one chapter before! THANKS!!!

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PRIVATE - Not temporary, no. it was the real antidote, you'll see...

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