Disclaimer: Don't worry, I still don't own anything. These characters belong to Joss Whedon, FOX, etc...
Rating: R for violence.
Pairing: I guess B/A, sort of. This isn't a romanticy fic.
A/N: THIS ISN'T GOING TO BE PRETTY, FOLKS! Buffy's mad, I'm mad, and believe me when I say Xander is not going to have fun. I'm sorry to all those Xander-lovers out there, but I have to get this out of my system. If it's any consolation, it's not as bad as it could be.
A/N: I've been watching a butt-load of season 3 and season 5 lately, and I just get more and more pissed. Especially at Xander. So, instead of taking out all this pent-up rage on the nearest family member, I'm gonna go ahead and take it out on my keyboard. 'Cuz that's logical.
Feedback: Most certainly. No flames though, only constructive criticism, thank you very much. Think Mary Poppins when you type.
Buffy had been a vampire for a full six months now, six fabulous months involving silk, sex, and blood. Oh, and money, lots and lots of money. She had no clue where Angelus got his dosh from, but honestly? She didn't care. As long as it was in her purse, pocket, or any other p-word that belonged to her, she was fine.
She had a new-found freedom with her rebirth. Her lack of conscience allowed her to do anything she wanted... and right now? She wanted revenge. Sweet, tasty, slightly bitter revenge. She had already disposed of Giles, Willow, and the others, spitting on their corpses as they rotted in front of her. She would never admit it out loud, but the hurt they caused when they kicked her out still lingered... she just couldn't get it out of her system!
She reviewed her memories, coming up with as many reasons as possible to use her shiny new chainsaw that Angelus bought her a couple of months ago. The biggest reason was staring up at her, looking at her with fear that exhilarated the former slayer.
Alexander Lavelle Harris.
Once a good friend, now her newest meal. But she liked to play with her food first.
"So Xander, wanna take a trip down memory lane?" She asked, straddling his stomach, casually admiring her nails. "I'm feeling kinda nostalgic lately, especially with the killing and maiming and... are you trembling? Is my big white knight frightened?" She smirked and stood up, pacing around the helpless white hat.
"Do you wanna talk about fear? 'Cuz we can do that, you know. Lets see, where should we start?" She turned towards him, her hazel-eyes morphing into a dark, cold golden brown that struck his very soul.
"How 'bout the time I sent Angel to Hell, hmm? Yeah, that's a good beginning." She sat in the throne-like chair in front of him, crossing her legs as that glint in her eyes remained. "That was probably one of the worst moments of my life. I was filled with dread, I was practically choking on it. I knew either I was going to die, or I'd have to murder the man, well demon, that I loved. You nobly came to help me. Your support gave me strength, courage, blah blah blah, anyway, it helped. But how pure were your intentions Harris?"
Xander's fear tripled, possibly quadrupled, as he remembered that morning so long ago. He had gone to help. He had to lie to her; had she stalled, Buffy might've grown careless and lost her head pretty damn literally. But Xander couldn't completely squash that tiny voice in his head, the jealous, devil-shaped one. The one that whispered his hidden truth, that Angel spent who knows how long in Hell because of one boy's selfish motives. Logically Xander knew that it wasn't just his fault, but he couldn't help feeling responsible. He looked up to his captor, whose sweet and dead face caused him more anguish than he thought possible.
"Why'd you lie Xander? Did you really hate Angel that much? You should've known that you had no chance with me. You'll always be stuck in Angel's shadow," she shrugged, "you're beneath him. And I bet you couldn't stand that, could you Xand? You were already so far down the food chain that even a handi-capped vamp got more action than you."
She stood up once again, wringing her hands over and over, a silver claddagh catching the light.
"Kick his ass!" she mocked, "Kick his ass! Gee Xander, you're the bestest friend ever!" She moved closer to him and hauled him up to his feet, throwing him against the wall, and chaining him to it with the bolted manacles.
She leaned in close, her mouth grazing his ear. "I drove a sword through his stomach, Xander," she whispered, "I ripped through his flesh and watched his eyes scream in pain. I saw him get sucked down the portal, swirling and swirling in that bright red light." She stepped back, sneering at the disheveled man. "I ran, Xander. I ran so far away because I had to, not because I wanted to."
She walked back up the throne, and just stared at him. "I got lost, so lost. L.A. does that to you, ya know? It's a city of angels and misery, and I was just another killer working at a diner. You did that to me, you and Willow and Giles and Jenny. You killed my spirit. Innocence means nothing there, since no one has it. Including me."
Xander hung his head, his neck cracking in a thousand places as his abused body got used to its new position. He tried to push out her words, tried to ignore the truth that burned him with each new sentence. But he couldn't. The guilt weighed heavily against him, as it had for the past decade or so. Suddenly, cold fingers wrapped around his chin as he felt his head pushed up, staring straight into the hazel-eyed beauty.
She smiled coldly, "But that wasn't the worst part, was it? No it really, really wasn't." She dropped his head and resumed her pace around the room. "It took months, but I finally found enough courage to come back home. To face the demons and darkness, my Watcher and friends. My mother. What do I get though? Instead of open arms and thank-you-for-saving-the-world-AGAIN! cards, I get yelled at. I sent my lover to hell and I was being lectured on responsibility. And you had the audacity to scream at me for my 'carelessness'. Do you remember that Xander? We were standing in my mother's living room, surrounded by strangers, and you went on and on about how selfish I was and how you all were perfect saints!"
She was in full game face now, the memories rearing up the demon inside. Shaking with anger, she walked over to him again, breathing unneeded air in his face. "That hurt Xander. Sooo bad. And your criticism never relented, not once!" She punched him in his gut, listening to the swishy sounds and his grunt of pain. "The rest of my senior year all I heard about was how wrong of me it was to keep Angel a secret. Or how stupid I was being by keeping him around! Guess what Xander? Not your life!" She punched him once again, this time his jaw was the victim. The sound of bones hitting eased her rage a little, so she slipped back into her human guise.
"Not to beat a dead horse Xander, but you never stop complaining! If something doesn't fit in your world, if I fall off my pedestal just a little, you decide to wreak havoc on me!"
Xander tried to shake his head in protest, but it was just too much for his battered head to take. Besides, she was right. Looking back on it, he had been hard on Buffy, especially on the whole Angel-thing. But what good did apologizing do now? His friends were dead, and no one was coming to rescue him. He was as good as dead, might as well get used to it... with as little pain as possible.
"Lets skip ahead a little, shall we? Oh yes, the great Riley speech! Your defense in the name of Rebound-Fish-Boy! Once again the King of Cretins here made a wrong turn! I caught my boyfriend getting sucked on by vampire whores and you thought I should give it another try. And you again reprimanded me for my treatment of him, for not letting him in. Newsflash Harris, it was impossible for me to do that. My first crush didn't leave me, my first boyfriend didn't leave me, my virginity-taking-soul-losing-psychopath didn't leave me, my soul mate left me! He has me, all of me, and too bad for Riley that he got sloppy seconds, I don't care! Well obviously I don't care now, but back then I didn't care either. Finn wanted normal-Buffy, but she doesn't exist. Never has and never will. But nobody could ever accept that, huh? Maybe Spike, but his opinion never counts."
Her rant finished, Buffy took a deep breath, trying once again to calm down. It was so damn hard though. This man in front of her caused her so much pain, she was still wondering why they hadn't split ways after her sophomore year. Of high school.
"Oh boy, and Spike. What a fun time, though don't ever tell Angelus that; he'll get growly," she said, running her fingers up and down Xander's torso. "I was dragged out of Heaven, Xander. You and your selfish little Willow took me kicking and screaming back to a place that I hated." She stopped her movements and slowly started to sink her fingers deeper into his flesh. "I tried to be so strong, but that darkness called and called and I just couldn't help it." Deeper, and deeper, and... "Spike let me into that darkness, got rid of its barriers. I could let go, cause pain and mayhem and only hurt him. I didn't have to be in control anymore, and he tied me up and took advantage of that." Deeper and deeper, Xander's eyes were beginning to tear up.
Buffy continued to smile as her nails scraped the delicate and already tortured being. "Spike was my safety zone where I could commit as much danger as I wanted. I realized it was wrong though, and backed away. Hell, I wasn't the only one who fell for his trap. Poor Anya," she smirked as she watched Xander flinch, "she and I both heard your insults. And yet it keeps getting worse, doesn't it?"
Deeper and deeper and deeper and...
"You kicked me out of my home. My home. The house that I worked my ass off to keep, the house where my mother lived and died. My one place for normality, you stripped me of it." Buffy's fangs elongated as she started to smell the blood seeping from the wounds underneath her fingers. "You disregarded me, Xander. After everything I've done, not just for you, but for the world, and you and Giles and Willow barely listened to me. I tried to tell you about Caleb, about what he was hiding. And I was right, wasn't I?" she asked, chuckling slightly as his head drooped from blood loss. "I lose one battle, we lose a few girls and suddenly I'm no longer fit to be leader anymore. I hurt too, you know. Watching those girls die, it wasn't easy for me either. That's why I didn't 'connect' with them over dancing and popcorn. Do you know how much I've lost Xander? I can't add more to that, distance was necessary. As were their deaths."
Xander was dying now, he knew. He felts her nails scrape his insides, and he couldn't help the sickness wavering over him. Yet he heard every word perfectly, each accusation was crystal clear coming out of that innocent-looking mouth.
"And then? Then you chose Faith over me. Faith. The psycho bitch that betrayed me, betrayed all of us, that practically raped you and nearly killed Angel. Who stole my body and ran away from the cops. You all automatically trusted the prisoner over me, because of a mistake. A big mistake, sure, but a mistake in a long line of successes. You rejected me, turned against me during battle," she rasped, her nails now coming into contact with bone. "I hate you, Alexander Lavelle Harris. As does Buffy, the one up there in the ether. I doubt you'll see her soon." She forced her hand all the way in, grasping a hand full of organs and ripping them through his torn stomach. She smiled as his screams began to die down and his heart faltered. "See you in hell."
She dropped the gooey insides by her feet, frowning when she saw blood on her new Gucci shoes. Man she was hungry. She vaguely remembered Faith saying something about slaying making you hungry and horny. Revenge did the same thing. All she needed now was Angelus and a side of fries.
A spark in her eye, she walked upstairs, towards her new unlife.
FIN
I know, I'm sure the end wasn't anatomically correct, but it's fiction so yippee! Again, sorry to the Xander lovers, I tried to be gentle but couldn't overcome all of my violent tendencies.