Author: MegTDJ
Category: Missing scene; angst; hurt/comfort
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Daniel/Janet friendship
Spoilers: Hathor
Summary: Missing scene for Hathor; When Daniel refuses to talk about what Hathor did to him, an emotional explosion is almost inevitable. #3 in the Love Comes Softly series.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1, its universe and its characters are not mine. The story itself is, however, so please don't archive without my permission.
Warning: Mention of rape.
Author's notes: I hate, hate, hate the episode Hathor, as most people who know me well can attest. I feel it was a pivotal point in Daniel's life, though, as well as being the perfect opportunity for some good Daniel/Janet bonding, so I had to write a Hathor missing scene for this series. Drat. So, I wrote it. It caused me great pain to have to address this issue, so I really hope folks enjoy the read.
About the title... I was trying to figure out what to call this fic that hadn't already been taken by another Hathor missing scene fic, when the song Explode (by Nelly Furtado) came on the radio. It seemed to fit, so I just went with it.
Explode
Janet's arm was throbbing, but she tried to ignore the pain and get on with her work. It wasn't easy. She was beginning to wish she'd taken a week off to recuperate. She had been shot, after all.
Still, there was much work to be done, and taking a week off wouldn't make her arm hurt any less. With a sigh, she swallowed down another Tylenol and got back to her paperwork.
A quiet shuffling sound in the doorway caught her attention a moment later, and she looked up to see a rather nervous looking Dr. Jackson standing there with his hands in his pockets. "Dr. Fraiser?"
"Dr. Jackson," Janet greeted him with a smile. "Something I can help you with?"
He didn't make a move to come in, just stood there with his eyes darting anxiously around the room. He seemed to be trying to avoid meeting her gaze at any cost. "I'm... not sure."
Janet could see that he was deeply troubled about something, and he looked utterly exhausted. "What's wrong?" she asked in concern.
Dr. Jackson finally looked at her then, his gaze settling on the sling on her injured arm. "H...how is your arm?" he asked.
Janet was surprised by this question, but she tried not to show it. "It's fine," she replied as she stood up from her chair. "Somehow I'm pretty sure that's not what you came here to say, though."
Dr. Jackson licked his lips nervously. "Uh... no, it isn't." He took a breath, and then quickly asked, "Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course."
He paused for only a moment before he spoke again. "How far does doctor/patient confidentiality go... in this situation?"
Janet blinked in confusion. "This situation... you mean the SGC?"
Dr. Jackson nodded.
"Anything that passes between us on a doctor/patient level is kept completely confidential unless, as in the results of your pre-and-post mission examinations or extreme instances, I'm required to pass the information on to General Hammond, or you have given your permission for me to disclose it," Janet replied. "Why do you ask?"
Dr. Jackson slipped his fingers under the rims of his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut tight. "I just... I'm having trouble sleeping, and I... I just want... I need something to help me sleep," he said with a weak shrug.
Janet was confused and concerned by his body language. She knew he had been the closest to the Goa'uld Hathor during her short stay on their base, and there seemed to be things about his experience with the false goddess that he was still unwilling to talk about. She hoped that he was going to open up to her about it, but she knew that she had to tread carefully, or he was likely to clam up for good. "Okay. Well, come in," she said, gesturing him into the room. "Have a seat."
He walked in and sat on the edge of a cot, still looking very uncomfortable and nervous. He was avoiding looking at her again, which Janet was coming to understand was a very bad sign with him.
"What kind of trouble are you having, exactly?" she asked as she approached him.
Dr. Jackson winced, though it was so slight that she would never have noticed if she hadn't been studying him closely. "Dreams," he replied, rubbing his arm nervously. "Nightmares."
"About Hathor?" Janet offered gently.
Dr. Jackson looked at her suddenly, anger flashing in his eyes for a moment. "Look... please don't tell anyone about this, okay?" he implored. "The last thing I need right now is to have Dr. Mackenzie breathing down my neck about this. I'm fine. I just need a... a pill or something... something that'll knock me out so..."
"So you don't dream?"
"Yes."
Janet looked down at her injured arm for a moment, searching for the right words to say. "Forgive me for saying this, Dr. Jackson, but I don't think a pill is going to solve your problems," she said softly.
Dr. Jackson glared at her, and then jumped to his feet and walked to the door without hesitation. "Fine," he snapped. "Forget it."
Janet mentally kicked herself for saying the wrong thing, and called after him urgently, "Dr. Jackson, wait!"
He slowed down to a halt, but didn't turn around, his back rigid as he waited for her to speak.
"I really think you need to talk about this with someone," she said.
"You're wrong. That's the last thing I need." He started to walk away again, but Janet followed him and touched his arm.
"Please, just..."
She didn't get a chance to finish her sentence, as Dr. Jackson spun around and grabbed her wrist in a grip of iron. "Don't touch me!" he shouted angrily, knocking a cart of medical supplies over with his sudden movement.
Janet gasped in pain, feeling like his grip was sure to break her wrist.
Dr. Jackson seemed to realize then what he was doing, and he quickly let go of her with a horrified look on his face. "Dr. Fraiser, I am so sorry! I'm so sorry..." He bent down to pick up the medical instruments and supplies that he'd knocked flying. "Are you okay?"
"It's okay. I'm fine," she assured him. "Don't worry about it." Her wrist still hurt, and she could feel herself shaking, but she squatted down beside him to help anyway.
"I'm so, so sorry..." he said mournfully. He finished salvaging the fallen items, and then sank down to a sitting position, leaning his back against the wall and bringing his knees up to his chest. He was obviously fighting back tears. "I don't know what's the matter with me. I'm falling apart, and I don't know..." He buried his face in his hands as his voice trailed off into a whisper.
Janet sat down next to him and gingerly laid a hand on his arm. "It's alright," she soothed. "But Dr. Jackson... Daniel... you do need to talk this through with someone."
"I can't," he moaned.
"You can talk to me, can't you?"
He didn't answer, just shook his head woefully.
"I promise you that whatever you say will be kept in this room," Janet told him. "Strictly confidential between you and me."
Dr. Jackson was silent for a few moments, but Janet waited patiently for him to speak. She was willing to sit there all day if he would feel comfortable enough to talk to her at the end of it. After a little while, he took a shuddery breath and said, "I just want to sleep." His voice was muffled by his hands, so Janet had to strain to hear his words. "I try to sleep, but every time..."
"The nightmares?"
He leaned his head back against the wall, his eyes closed, folding his arms across his chest as though trying to protect himself. "I didn't remember much at first," he said, his voice hollow, distant, as though he wasn't fully aware that he was talking. "But as soon as I fell asleep... every detail... so vividly..."
Janet winced. 'Here it comes,' she thought. "What happened?" she asked quietly.
"I couldn't stop her," he said, choking back a sob. "I knew what she was trying to do... I tried to stop her... but I couldn't. My mind was screaming for me to stop!" He swallowed convulsively and shivered as he tried to keep his emotions in check. "But it was like I had no control over my own body. She controlled it. She controlled everything... everything..." His voice trailed off, his eyes focused on empty space, obviously reliving something horrible.
When he grew silent again, Janet started to fear that he was going into shock. "Dr. Jackson?"
"I tried... screaming... no... please..." His voice was no more than a whisper, and his face was draining of colour before her very eyes.
"Daniel?!"
He seemed to snap out of it then, and turned to her with wide eyes. "Dr. Fraiser?" he said in a slurred voice.
"I'm right here."
"I think I'm gonna be sick." He scrambled to his feet, and Janet helped him to the bathroom just in time for him to stumble over to the toilet and lose what little food was in his system. Janet couldn't help but notice that it wasn't very much. He mustn't have been eating very well over the last couple of days as well as not sleeping.
Once it was over, he slumped against the wall of the bathroom, gasping for breath and shaking like a leaf.
Janet stroked his arm and tried to calm him down. "It's okay, just take deep breaths," she said. "Calm down. It's okay."
Dr. Jackson took a deep, shuddery breath and tried not to sob as he let his head sag forward with an air of defeat. "I'm sorry."
Janet rested her hand on the side of his face. "There's nothing to be sorry about, Daniel."
"I should have stopped her... should have stopped myself."
"You did everything you could."
"No..." he moaned, rolling his head from side to side. "You don't understand... I helped create the Goa'ulds. If you and Sam hadn't... the whole base... all my fault..."
"She forced you, Daniel. You did nothing wrong."
Dr. Jackson shuddered. "I didn't fight hard enough..."
"Daniel, listen to me," Janet said, forcing her voice to sound firm. "She drugged you to make you hyper-responsive, and then she took advantage of you. There was nothing you could have done." She softened her tone as she continued, "It was rape, Daniel. She's the only one at fault. You did not do anything wrong."
He squeezed his eyes shut in pain and sorrow, shivering slightly as he wrapped his arms around himself. "Why can't I get it out of my head?" he asked, his voice quivering and sounding almost childlike in its vulnerability.
"You will," Janet assured him. "In time. But you can't just lock it away and pretend it didn't happen. You have to let it out, or it will eat you alive. You have to deal with this, Daniel."
He sat there breathing hard for a few seconds, and Janet could see how hard he was fighting to regain control of himself. "Every time I try to concentrate on something, my mind just... blanks out," he said. "Every time I try to sleep, I live it all again." His breathing started to slow then, but he stared straight ahead, talking like he was on autopilot. "At first she just kept... kissing me. She wanted me to tell her things. A kiss would be my reward. I knew it was wrong. My mind was trying to warn me... something wasn't right..." He paused for a second. "Then she started... telling me how the Goa'uld procreate..." He stopped and swallowed hard, the memory seeming to disgust him greatly. "That's when she... she started..." He glanced over at Janet then, as though just realizing what he was saying. When he saw her watching him so intently, he seemed embarrassed and looked down.
"It's okay, Daniel," Janet said, stroking his shoulder in encouragement. "Take your time."
He took a deep breath and then continued. "I tried to stop her, but she... she drugged me again. My mind was screaming for me to stop her, but... my body just wouldn't co-operate, and..." He shuddered. "I can't believe I..." He shook his head, his voice choking and his eyes filling with tears.
"It wasn't you, Daniel. She was controlling you. You had no choice."
He nodded, again fighting to stay in control. "After we... afterwards..." He shook his head, tears falling freely down his cheeks. "I couldn't move. I just lay there with my face in the pillow... and I couldn't move. I was... numb. I heard her get up... heard her getting dressed... then she..." He shuddered again in disgust. "She came back to the bed, and... she started running her hands up and down my back..." At this, he started to gag again, but he swallowed hard, closed his eyes, and shivered as he fought to hold it back. "Then she whispered in my ear... told me she was going to 'bring our children forth'... and then she'd come back for me... so that we could start again."
Janet's heart was aching at the agony and revulsion on his face. All she wanted to do was take him into her arms and soothe his pain and horrible memories away, but all she could do was sit there and listen to the disgusting tale. She only hoped for Hathor's sake that their paths would never cross again. She wouldn't let the bitch get away so easily the next time.
"I couldn't move," Dr. Jackson continued, the tears streaming down his face and dripping off his chin onto his shirt. "All I wanted to do was jump up and strangle her! I knew what she planned to do with those... 'children'! But I couldn't move!" He groaned, and the sound made Janet's own tears finally start to fall.
Dr. Jackson gritted his teeth and took a shaky breath. "I heard her leave... I fought so hard... I just wanted to get out of there... get as far away from that room, that bed, as possible! I think I... I fell on the floor." He seemed to be struggling to remember now. "I remember I needed clothes. I had to cover myself up, I just felt..." He shivered and hugged himself even tighter. "I felt so... open... I knew she would come back, and I... I needed my clothes." He looked disoriented, raising a hand to his forehead and blinking heavily.
Janet laid her hand on his arm. "It's okay, Daniel," she murmured.
Dr. Jackson looked at her as if he'd forgotten she was there. "Sam was there," he said. "I could hear her voice, but... I couldn't move."
Janet nodded tearfully, knowing all too well what he was talking about now.
"She left."
"I'm sorry, Daniel," Janet whispered, feeling horribly guilty that she hadn't done anything to help him when they'd found him there. If she'd known what he'd been through...
His gaze fell, and once again he just stared off into space as he kept on talking. "When Ha... when she came back... I just stopped fighting. She was angry that I'd dressed myself... but she just drugged me again. No more screaming. No more fighting." He shrugged. "I just gave up. The second time I just... I tried not to think, not to... be aware of what was happening. But I couldn't stop thinking about Sha're. Wondering if she was going through the same thing somewhere. What does he make her do while she has no control over her own body?" He slowly lowered his upper body to the floor until he was lying in a fetal position, and then let out a sob. "I miss my wife!" he cried.
Janet couldn't keep from openly crying as well as she heard Dr. Jackson's gut-wrenching sobs. She wrapped her arm around him and laid her cheek against his shoulder, but he didn't even seem to acknowledge her presence. "It's alright. Let it all out," she said over and over again as he cried out his grief, anger, violation, and despair. She had never seen a man cry so hard before, and it tore her heart to shreds.
She only hoped he would be better off for it in the long run.
Once Dr. Jackson's tears had run dry, he seemed much calmer and in a lot less distress than he was when he'd first come into the infirmary that day. Still, Janet insisted that he didn't drive himself home, so she sent for Colonel O'Neill and requested that he give Dr. Jackson a ride. Colonel O'Neill didn't need any convincing. He seemed just as concerned about his friend as Janet was when he saw that he'd been crying.
Janet remembered what she'd said about not saying a word to anyone about what he'd said to her, so she let the two men leave without telling Colonel O'Neill a thing. She hoped that Dr. Jackson would confide in his teammates about what had happened, but she wouldn't hold her breath about it. Letting it out to her had seemed to do him a lot of good. Hopefully, that would be enough.
She couldn't seem to focus on her work for the rest of the day, and even when she went home and climbed exhausted into bed, she couldn't seem to sleep for worrying about him. She kept on second-guessing her decision to not send Dr. Jackson to Dr. Mackenzie. What if there were long-lasting repercussions from this experience? What if he got so that he could no longer handle coming across the Goa'uld? That would mean he would be taken off of SG-1, and she knew how it would devastate him to be restricted to the base while his wife was still out there somewhere.
Thoughts like these swirled around in her mind all night, until the sun started streaming through her window and she realized it was time to get up. With a heavy sigh, she dragged herself out of bed and started getting ready for her day.
She arrived at the SGC bright and early, and to her surprise, the first face she saw as she entered the infirmary was Dr. Jackson's.
"Hi," he said, looking almost shy with a tiny smile on his face and his hands shoved deep inside his pockets. "Can we talk for a second?"
"Yes, of course," Janet replied. She studied his face closely and was pleased to note that he didn't look anywhere near as bad as he had the day before.
"I just... wanted to say... thank you," he said tentatively. "You know... for yesterday."
Janet smiled. "You're welcome," she said. "Any time you need to talk, I'm here."
He gave a short nod and shuffled his feet. "I, uh... I slept last night."
"That's great!" Janet enthused. "Did you still have the nightmares?"
"One or two," he said. "They weren't as bad this time, though. I think it helped... getting it off my chest."
Janet nodded. "It still might take you a while to get past it completely, but at least you've taken the first steps," she said. "Just don't keep it all in like that anymore. You know what happens after a while when you lock all of that pain and anger inside?"
The corners of his mouth twitched upwards just slightly. "You explode."
"Exactly. So don't do it."
He nodded and bit his lip, looking down at the floor as he seemed to be searching for something else to say. "Do... do you... do you feel guilty... about what happened?" he finally asked.
Once Janet's momentary shock wore off, she asked, "What do you mean?"
"You were crying, too," he said almost apologetically. "It seemed like more than just sympathy. I just wondered if... you blamed yourself about what... she did."
Janet's mouth fell open as she understood what he was asking her. Even in his own sorrow, he had noticed that she was suffering as well. She knew that this shouldn't surprise her, but it did. "I... yes," she answered honestly. "I feel as though I should have stepped in and helped you when we found you in Hathor's quarters."
"Well, I don't blame you," he said, his voice and expression firm but kind as he looked right into her eyes. "You were right... it was nobody's fault but hers."
Janet couldn't help but notice that he was still avoiding using Hathor's name, but she didn't really blame him. She knew that it would take him a while to fully deal with what had happened, but she had no doubts that he would eventually do just that. "Thank you, Dr. Jackson," she said. She felt she should say more than that, but that was all that came to mind.
"Daniel," he said. "After I practically threw up on your shoes and sobbed on your shoulder, I think you can start calling me Daniel in casual conversation."
Janet smiled. "I'll try to remember that. Thank you."
He cleared his throat and started for the door. "Well, I'd better go," he said. "I just wanted to thank you for... being there."
"Like I said, anytime," she said. "And if the nightmares persist, there are some relaxation techniques I could suggest that might help."
"Thanks, but Jack's with Teal'c right now asking if I can meditate with him this afternoon," Daniel said. "I, uh... I told him about the nightmares."
"Good for you," Janet said, though those words didn't adequately express how happy this announcement made her feel. "I'm sure that'll do you a world of good."
Daniel nodded. "I sure hope so. Well..." He pointed his finger out into the hall indicating that he had to get going, and gave her a little wave. "See you later," he said as he walked away.
Janet shook her head and smiled as he disappeared from her sight. Daniel Jackson was a much stronger man than most people gave him credit for, she realized. He would be just fine.