Margaret felt the muscles in her hand tighten as Hawkeye increased his grip. They were walking together along the outskirts of the camp, taking advantage of a casualty-free afternoon. The weather was chillier than it had been lately, and the dark clouds above threatened rain, but Hawkeye had insisted that they take a walk anyway. "We need some time together," he'd said, and Margaret hadn't protested. She was tired, and would rather have spent the afternoon collapsed on her cot, but she didn't tell him that. She had been busy lately, busier than usual it seemed, and they hadn't seen much of each other. In the back of her mind, she could hear a voice telling her that she had been avoiding him, but she did her best to ignore it. She had been busy. Very busy. That was all.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Hawkeye shoot her a questioning glance. Neither of them had said a word since they'd begun walking, and the silence grew more deafening with every minute. Margaret felt her cheeks flush as his eyes bored into her. She wanted to apologize for being so distant these past few days, to offer him an explanation, but... she didn't have one. She wasn't sure what had come over her, why she suddenly felt so uncomfortable under his gaze. She wanted the feeling to go away, but it wouldn't.
Hawkeye cleared his throat. She turned her head to steal a glance at him, and let out a small gasp when he met her eyes. Flustered, she looked away, and then immediately regretted it. Damn it, Margaret, she thought. This is the man you love. What the hell is wrong with you?
The wind was picking up, and she shivered inadvertently. Slowly, Hawkeye's fingers began to massage her palm. He had obviously noticed how tense she was.
"Margaret?" he said tentatively.
Her heart leapt into her throat. All she could do was look at him.
He stared at her, clearly trying to read her thoughts in her face, and her cheeks flushed. Why did it have to be so damn easy for him to figure her out? She bit her lip, and he laced his fingers through hers.
"It's okay," he whispered softly, and her eyes were suddenly filled with tears. She opened her mouth to apologize, but he pressed his hand over her lips.
"Shh. It's okay, Margaret," he repeated. "It's okay."
She tried to speak, but she couldn't. She didn't trust her own voice anymore. Hawkeye did such crazy things to her sometimes; he could change her mood with a single word, even just an expression. One minute she would be spitting mad, afraid to say anything for fear that she would explode, and the next... she would be falling apart, afraid to say something because she knew that if she opened her mouth, she would start to cry. All of a sudden, this was one of those times. Margaret could feel her hands shaking, and she pulled away from Hawkeye's grasp. She didn't want him to see her cry.
She had only gone a few steps when he grabbed her by the shoulders. His touch was gentle but firm, and she knew that she didn't have the strength to pull away from him. She swallowed.
"What do you want me to say?" Her voice was only a whisper, but she could hear it shaking all the same.
Hawkeye circled around her so that they were standing face to face. His clear blue eyes searched her face and she stared at the ground, unable to look at him.
He sighed. "Look, I know you're upset. And you don't have to say anything, not anything at all. This isn't about what I want you to say. I just wish I knew what... what was happening to us. A couple weeks ago we were doing great, and now... I don't know. Something's different." He paused, and she could hear uncertainty in his voice. "Isn't it?"
A single tear ran down her cheek. Slowly, she raised her head to look at him. "I... I don't know."
He moved closer to her, taking both of her hands in his. "I don't know what's bothering you, Margaret, but... I love you. I just want to help."
She couldn't hold on any longer. The tears came coursing down her cheeks, and she was too weak to try and stop them. "It's... it's..." she stammered.
Hawkeye closed the gap between them and gently drew her into his arms. "It's okay," he whispered, his fingertips tracing soft circles on her back. Her crying was getting harder now and he pulled her closer, resting his cheek in the soft billows of her hair. "I'm here, Margaret. I'm not gonna let you go." She collapsed against him, feeling all of the energy in her body drain away.
He wrapped an arm around her shoulder, and lead her to a bench that sat a few feet from where they had been standing. They were behind the Officer's Club, and Margaret was vaguely aware that there were voices coming from inside. It must've been later than she'd thought, or maybe everybody was just getting an early start on their drinking. She wouldn't have minded a drink right about now.
Hawkeye sat down on the bench, and she sank down next to him. His arm was still draped protectively over her shoulder, and he shifted so that she could rest her head on his chest. She leaned into him gratefully. Hawkeye's other arm hung loosely at his side, his fingers absent-mindedly picking blades of grass. Normally Margaret was annoyed when he did things like that, but this time she was too tired to notice.
"Thanks," she murmured. "I just...."
He nodded. "I know."
They sat there for a while, neither of them saying a word. Finally, when she was almost completely sure that she was no longer in danger of bursting into tears, Margaret decided it was time to tell Hawkeye what was on her mind. Even if he couldn't make her feel any better, he at least deserved to know why she had been behaving the way she had. Slowly, she sat up.
"Hawkeye?"
"Hmm?" She wasn't sure if he had really heard her. He was still engrossed in his grass blades. Margaret smiled in spite of herself. He was so quirky. That was one of the things she loved about him. She was silent for a moment, waiting for a sign that he was really listening. He didn't give her one, so she tried again.
"Hawkeye."
This time he looked up. The expression on his face was wistful and a little far-away, and she wondered if he had been daydreaming. He smiled at her, and then, seeming to suddenly remember what had happened, his look changed to one of concern. He reached for her hand, taking it gently.
"How are ya?"
She shrugged. "I'm okay. Listen, I... I'm sorry about our walk. I know you just wanted us to relax together and I... I didn't make it very easy for you to relax. I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize, Margaret." He squeezed her hand. "It's fine."
"No, no it's not. I haven't been an easy person to be around lately and we both know it."
"Maybe you know it, but I don't. How could I? I haven't seen you lately."
She sighed, feeling her cheeks flush. She had been avoiding him, and he knew it. She was about to apologize again when his face broke into a huge grin.
"Margaret, I'm kidding. What I'm trying to say is, it's okay. Really. Everybody has their ups and downs, and around here it's a lot easier to be down than up. The war gets to me too. Hell, its gets to all of us. Even you. There's nothing wrong with admitting that."
She nodded. "I know. But it's not just the war that's been on my mind, it's... well...." She paused, looking him straight in the eyes. "You're gonna think I'm silly."
Hawkeye shook his head. "Never. You're not silly. Crazy, maybe, but definitely not silly."
Margaret rolled her eyes. "Do you have to turn everything into a joke?"
He winced. "Sorry. No more jokes. I'm listening."
"Okay." Margaret sat up a little straighter, taking in a deep breath. She wasn't sure she knew where to start. Just tell him everything, she told herself, from the beginning.
"Well, remember that really rough day we had in the O.R.?"
Hawkeye smiled grimly. "I remember a couple year's worth."
"It was a little over a month ago, I guess. We were in surgery for something like fifteen hours." She grimaced, remembering how awful that day had been.
"Right. And we... we lost that kid. That young soldier." He sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. "I don't think I'm ever gonna forget that."
Margaret nodded. "Yeah. And after that. When you... when I... when you found me in Post-Op. I was so shaken, and so alone, and you... you made me feel so much better."
"I couldn't stand to see you like that."
"I know. That's when I realized how I felt about you. How much I loved you." She clenched her fist absently, and then unclenched it again. "I don't know why this is so hard for me to say."
Hawkeye squeezed her hand tenderly. "Easy, Margaret. You're doing just fine."
"Thanks." She smiled nervously. Maybe he would understand after all. "Anyway, that night was so wonderful. I didn't want it to end. I didn't want it to end because I didn't want to face reality."
"Reality?"
"The reality that our relationship could never really work. I mean, here we are, two unhappy people chopping up... chopping up children at a hospital in Korea! The only reason I even know you is because of this war, and I... I hate this war!" She bit her lip, tears stinging her eyes again. There was no turning back now. "I never thought I'd say that, but it's true. I hate it because of what it does to people. What it's done to us! I mean, I was never really happy before I came to Korea, but I wasn't like this!" She tightened her grip on his hand. "I wasn't like this."
Hawkeye nodded. "I know. But we're doing just fine here. Look at us; we're making this work!"
She shook her head violently. "No! No we're not. Maybe it'll work for awhile, but in the end...."
"It doesn't have to be that way, Margaret."
"Yes, it does! Because when the war's over, we'll be over, too. You'll go home, and I'll go home, and... and they won't be the same place. Oh God, Hawkeye, they won't be the same place. You'll have your life and I'll have mine, and they won't have anything to do with each other." A lone tear escaped down her cheek, and she brushed it away angrily. There was no telling how he would react when she was finished. Margaret swallowed; the lump in her throat didn't go away. "And I... I'll never see you again."
Hawkeye was silent. He sat there with his eyes on the ground, long bony fingers running through his hair, over and over. When he finally looked up, the eyes that met hers were filled with an intense sadness.
"That's what's been bothering you?" he asked. His voice was almost a whisper.
Margaret nodded, quiet tears rolling down her cheeks. "That's it."
Hawkeye sighed. He scooted closer to her, silently taking her in his arms. "I love you, Margaret," he said. His voice was shaking.
She clung to him, wishing that she would never have to let go. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I... I don't think I could...." Her voice cracked and she trailed off, burying her face in his neck.
"Oh, Margaret." He held her tighter, pressing his body up against hers and gripping her so hard that it hurt. "I love you. No matter what happens, I love you. Remember that."
She nodded, lifting her head slightly and laying it on his shoulder. The fabric of his jacket was wet with her tears. "How could I ever forget?"