Broken Life
By: Lonesome_Pan-Chan
Chapter 1 = Younger Years
When they hit me, I cried.
When they hit me, I cried.
When they hit me, I cried.
I cried... I cried... I cried,
When they hit me...
I cried.
When I was young.
I was brought up by a broken family who almost broke me...
My name is Pan, and I lived most of my life in Los Angeles, California. I lived in the ghettos part of LA and went to the worst school in the district.
I lived with both my parents, and 5 siblings, 3 brothers, 2 sisters. I am the oldest. My mother hated me with a passion, no mother should feel toward their child. My father was never there, and never cared, he was always out fucking some whore, with his friends, or in jail. I hated him for that. All my siblings were always just there. They couldn't leave, they were trapped, with each other. I was alone.
I don't remember most of my childhood, because I made myself forget, most of it. I forgot all the cruel, hateful things my parents made me go through, because of my strong spirit and individuality.
I made myself forget the time in Christmas. My mother had said she hated me at the age of 6, only because I was happy, on that holiday. I forgot the time my father came home one day extremely drunk, angry with my mother. He had beat her with such force she ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks, leaving us alone. I couldn't have helped her. I couldn't, I was too afraid of my father.
I made myself forget my 7th birthday, when my mother grabbed me by the wrist pulling me hard away from my hiding place, pulling down my pants to make sure I didn't put some cushion on to lessen the pain of her belt. She had hit me over and over causing me to bruise and bleed, from various places. She had hit me that day because I had cried when I found out they had forgotten my birthday that day.
I forgot the days of abuse I conflicted along with my younger siblings, when my mother tried to quit smoking. I forgot the day my mother and father both left my siblings and me closed up in our house, for 3 weeks straight, without even calling to ask if we were alright or checking on my youngest brother, who was only 6 months old and with a flue that had attacked him before they left. I forgot! I FORGOT! All those times they made me shop lift, all those times they made me go to the corner store at dark in hopes one of those night I would disappear completely. I forgot.
I was a child. I forgot and forgave. But even a child could never forgive what they did to me next. Even a child could never forget the things that happened to me next. Even a child could never... I was 10. They made me do it. They made me. I was forced to... I was only 10.
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FLASHBACK
"Pan wake up, I got you a job," Pan's mother told her harshly graving the sleeping girl by her hand and pushing her off the bed. That was Pan's mother's way of saying 'good morning'. She left Pan's small room saying something about 'stupid worthless bitches sleeping as if they were princess'.
Pan stood from the ground not saying a word. She had long black hair, dark blue eyes that seemed black, and was almost 5 feet tall. She grabbed a towel from her closet and headed for the bathroom to take a quick shower. Her last shower was three days ago, and she was beginning to smell. 'I wonder what person would hire a 10 year old,' she wondered as she striped down, and got into the shower.
Pan was barely starting to develop her breast, and she has already started her period about a week ago. Pan was scared shitless when she first found her body was changing and she was bleeding. She didn't believe the bleeding was normal so she had told her mother about it. Of course her mother had just looked at her as if she were a fly she wanted to get rid off, but was stuck with. She had told Pan it was normal and to 'leave her the fuck alone'. That's what Pan usually got from her mother when she disturbed her while she was watching TV. "Put some tissue on," her mother had also told her laughing like a maniac, going back to her precious television.
Pan grabbed the soap bar and began cleaning her body, once the water was warm enough. She then grabbed the shampoo bottle and found it was empty.
"Ah man, how am I going to clean my hair?" she wondered looking around. "Oh I know," she said putting the bottle of shampoo, under the water. Once it was half full Pan shook it rapidly, before poring the continence in her hair. It was able to clean all her hair. After making sure she was clean Pan got out of the shower, wrapped the towel around her skinny body, and went back into her room.
She put on her under ware, a baggy white shirt, with baggy blue pants.ÊPan ran downstairs as her mother called her once again, yelling bloody murder. I found my mother next to a real tall woman waiting for me.
"Their you are finally, go with this woman. She will show you where your going to work." Pan's mother told her glaring at her daughter silently telling Pan 'if you mess this up their is going to be hell to pay'. Pan simply looked down at her feet, following the tall woman out the door, and getting in her car, and driving off.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Pan looked out her window as the car came to a stop and found they stationed in front of some old tacky looking place. The woman grabbed Pan by the arm and forcefully made Pan look at her.
"Look," she passed pointing towards the tacky looking place, "that's were your going to work for now on, when you go in there go straight to the back room so they could get you ready. Word of advise try to avoid the men in there when their drunk. They are real pigs," I looked at her weird, but didn't say anything. Pan got out the car and waited to see if the woman had to tell her anything else. "Oh yeah, your mother told me I don't need to waste my time picking you up, so your going to find your own way home, alright that's all now get away from the car I'm leaving," she told Pan checking her make-up in the mirror, before driving off.
Pan watched her go, vaguely hearing the woman call back 'tough luck kid', before turning on a street and disappearing from Pan's sight. Pan turned towards the place where she was suppose to work at and walked towards it, feeling hesitant.
Once Pan was inside she wanted to puke. Their was a dancing table in the middle of the room, and on it was a half naked woman being groped by all this men who didn't even notice Pan at all. Pan quickly walked pass them across many tables to the back. She walked in the back room finding the dressing rooms containing many women getting dressed.
'Okay now who do I have to talk to about getting ready?' Pan asked herself looking around. Spotting a short plump woman helping the girls with their clothing and make-up, she walked towards the woman.
"Excuse me ma'm I'm new here and I don't know what I have to do," Pan said politely to the woman hoping she would help her. The plump woman looked up at her and signaled to her to follow. Pan did and was taken to some dressing rooms.
"Here" she said giving Pan some clothes and walking right outside the room."Put those on and come back to the make-up rooms, so I can make you look a little older," she said from outside the room, before leaving.
Pan looked down at the clothes she was suppose to wear, and stood dumb struck, at how revealing they were. She sighed remembering how her mother had looked at her, before she left the house. She would have to wear them.
Looking herself over in the full length mirror, making a mental note to next time bring something to cover up or something. Pan was wearing black leather short shorts, that were too shiny and but short. Pan was giving a push up bra, which made her look as if she was more develop. Her blouse reveled her stomach. Her shirt was tide around her neck, and left her back naked. To make things worse for Pan the blouse was pink. Pan's most hated color
Pan wasn't use to wearing anything else but a huge T-shirt, baggy pants, and some tennis shoes. Pan walked out the dressing rooms and back to the previous room, finding the plump woman calling her over.
"Come, come, and sit I'll be done in about 15 minute. After I'm finished here go to the kitchens, your going to work with Marron, a blond, in serving the men there drinks and such," she said quickly sitting Pan down, and getting to work. Pan only assumed she was the boss because of the way she told everyone what to do.
Once the woman was done about 15 minutes later, Pan looked in the mirror and found a woman instead of a child looking back at her. She wanted to cry, but didn't. Pan looked away from her reflection and stood from her seat heading towards the kitchens. Pan walked quickly pass the men, who for some reason this time the noticed her, and began cat calling her. Finally Pan arrived at the kitchens and found the blond sitting around doing her nails.
"What yah want," she asked Pan in an annoying voice chewing her gun, and making Pan want to cover her ears, and do something, anything!
"Are you Moran, I mean are you Marron," I asked correcting my mistake, quickly but a little too late because she noticed.
"You know what bitch you don't know me so why the fuck are you calling me Moran?" She asked advancing on Pan angrily, ready to fight. Pan didn't back off, already use to people advancing on her before naming her parents.
"Ladies to work!" called the woman from the door glaring at both of them, before leaving. Marron glared at Pan for a while before graving drinks and leaving to deliver them. Pan did the same.
The day finally ended, and for that Pan was very grateful, because all the time she'd been working Marron hissed hateful things her way, trying to trip her once in a while.
As Pan walked out the back rooms she found herself in front of her father who was beyond drunk. He also was staring at her strangely before striding over to her and dragging her out the building.
"What are you doing father, did you come to pick me up?" Pan asked very confused and terrified of her father because he was drunk, and nothing good came when he was. Pan began to struggle, and dropped herself on the ground making it harder to drag her.
Her father hit her and pulled her by the hair hard, hearing something rip. Pan's head began to hurt more, and more as her father dragged her to the back of the alley with her kicking and screaming. No one came and helped Pan. sure it was dark, but people could still see as her father dragged her away towards the darkness of and alley.
"Please, please let me go father, please I didn't do anything wrong please let me go," Pan pleaded sobbing as her father finally threw her against the wall, next to some dumpsters. "Why are you doing this to me father I haven't done anything wrong, please just let me go home," Pan pleaded earning a good 6 slaps in the face.
"Shut.the.fuck.up" Pan's father growled hitting her. He began to grope Pan ruffly, in many unholy places. Pan began to scream more hysterical, and cried more than ever, feeling her father touch her like he was. It wasn't right. "Stop struggling you fucking bitch," Pan's father said angrily graving both Pan's hands and pinning her up against the wall with immense strength.
Pan's father ripped Pan's shirt in half, revealing her white bra. Pan screamed, and cried, for her father to please stop. He took off his belt and started hitting Pan with it over and over while struggling to take off his pants and Pan's.
After a while Pan was in shock she couldn't speak, couldn't think, couldn't do anything, but watch and sob. Until the immense pain of her father's blows made her welcome the darkness once it came to get her. She didn't get to see if her father got to take her virginity. She just wondered why no one came to help her when she had screamed, loader than she ever screamed before.
She knew many people had seen and heard her. They were near the street. But still no one came, maybe they were afraid. Maybe they didn't care. All Pan knew was no one helped her, as she faded into unconsciousness. The pain her father was inflicting on her with his fist and belt were too much to handle and she fainted. She was relived when darkness did overcome her. She accepted it with open arms, not feeling pain anymore. Just emptiness.
END OF FLASHBACK
*************************************************************************
From time to time I still wonder why no one helped me that that day. I had screamed myself horse pleading, begging, for someone to come and help me. To make my father stop abusing me. It was as if I was invisible. Which I was for the next year after the incident. I cried away all my emotions until I had none. I cried away all the happiness in my body. All that was left was a girl with locked tight emotions. Never again did I take crap from anyone, especially my parents. I hated the world. As I believed the world hated me.
I didn't get raped if that's what your thinking. Fortunately my father fell asleep before he raped me, he was that stoned. That night changed me, it changed me I believed forever. But I also believe someone or something may make me forget. I'm sure of it. But till then I will remain as I became, and only wish to try and forget. Someday. I might. Maybe.
*************************************************************************
When they hit me, I didn't cry.
When they hit me, I didn't cry.
When they hit me, I didn't cry.
I didn't cry... I didn't cry... I didn't cry,
When they hit me...
I didn't cry.
When I grew.
Author Notes: Alright, if anyone have any misunderstandings about this fanfic, just ask me while reviewing, aight...Special thanx to FightingWarrior_Panny for her help...thanx girl!
By: Lonesome_Pan-Chan
Chapter 1 = Younger Years
When they hit me, I cried.
When they hit me, I cried.
When they hit me, I cried.
I cried... I cried... I cried,
When they hit me...
I cried.
When I was young.
I was brought up by a broken family who almost broke me...
My name is Pan, and I lived most of my life in Los Angeles, California. I lived in the ghettos part of LA and went to the worst school in the district.
I lived with both my parents, and 5 siblings, 3 brothers, 2 sisters. I am the oldest. My mother hated me with a passion, no mother should feel toward their child. My father was never there, and never cared, he was always out fucking some whore, with his friends, or in jail. I hated him for that. All my siblings were always just there. They couldn't leave, they were trapped, with each other. I was alone.
I don't remember most of my childhood, because I made myself forget, most of it. I forgot all the cruel, hateful things my parents made me go through, because of my strong spirit and individuality.
I made myself forget the time in Christmas. My mother had said she hated me at the age of 6, only because I was happy, on that holiday. I forgot the time my father came home one day extremely drunk, angry with my mother. He had beat her with such force she ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks, leaving us alone. I couldn't have helped her. I couldn't, I was too afraid of my father.
I made myself forget my 7th birthday, when my mother grabbed me by the wrist pulling me hard away from my hiding place, pulling down my pants to make sure I didn't put some cushion on to lessen the pain of her belt. She had hit me over and over causing me to bruise and bleed, from various places. She had hit me that day because I had cried when I found out they had forgotten my birthday that day.
I forgot the days of abuse I conflicted along with my younger siblings, when my mother tried to quit smoking. I forgot the day my mother and father both left my siblings and me closed up in our house, for 3 weeks straight, without even calling to ask if we were alright or checking on my youngest brother, who was only 6 months old and with a flue that had attacked him before they left. I forgot! I FORGOT! All those times they made me shop lift, all those times they made me go to the corner store at dark in hopes one of those night I would disappear completely. I forgot.
I was a child. I forgot and forgave. But even a child could never forgive what they did to me next. Even a child could never forget the things that happened to me next. Even a child could never... I was 10. They made me do it. They made me. I was forced to... I was only 10.
*************************************************************************
FLASHBACK
"Pan wake up, I got you a job," Pan's mother told her harshly graving the sleeping girl by her hand and pushing her off the bed. That was Pan's mother's way of saying 'good morning'. She left Pan's small room saying something about 'stupid worthless bitches sleeping as if they were princess'.
Pan stood from the ground not saying a word. She had long black hair, dark blue eyes that seemed black, and was almost 5 feet tall. She grabbed a towel from her closet and headed for the bathroom to take a quick shower. Her last shower was three days ago, and she was beginning to smell. 'I wonder what person would hire a 10 year old,' she wondered as she striped down, and got into the shower.
Pan was barely starting to develop her breast, and she has already started her period about a week ago. Pan was scared shitless when she first found her body was changing and she was bleeding. She didn't believe the bleeding was normal so she had told her mother about it. Of course her mother had just looked at her as if she were a fly she wanted to get rid off, but was stuck with. She had told Pan it was normal and to 'leave her the fuck alone'. That's what Pan usually got from her mother when she disturbed her while she was watching TV. "Put some tissue on," her mother had also told her laughing like a maniac, going back to her precious television.
Pan grabbed the soap bar and began cleaning her body, once the water was warm enough. She then grabbed the shampoo bottle and found it was empty.
"Ah man, how am I going to clean my hair?" she wondered looking around. "Oh I know," she said putting the bottle of shampoo, under the water. Once it was half full Pan shook it rapidly, before poring the continence in her hair. It was able to clean all her hair. After making sure she was clean Pan got out of the shower, wrapped the towel around her skinny body, and went back into her room.
She put on her under ware, a baggy white shirt, with baggy blue pants.ÊPan ran downstairs as her mother called her once again, yelling bloody murder. I found my mother next to a real tall woman waiting for me.
"Their you are finally, go with this woman. She will show you where your going to work." Pan's mother told her glaring at her daughter silently telling Pan 'if you mess this up their is going to be hell to pay'. Pan simply looked down at her feet, following the tall woman out the door, and getting in her car, and driving off.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Pan looked out her window as the car came to a stop and found they stationed in front of some old tacky looking place. The woman grabbed Pan by the arm and forcefully made Pan look at her.
"Look," she passed pointing towards the tacky looking place, "that's were your going to work for now on, when you go in there go straight to the back room so they could get you ready. Word of advise try to avoid the men in there when their drunk. They are real pigs," I looked at her weird, but didn't say anything. Pan got out the car and waited to see if the woman had to tell her anything else. "Oh yeah, your mother told me I don't need to waste my time picking you up, so your going to find your own way home, alright that's all now get away from the car I'm leaving," she told Pan checking her make-up in the mirror, before driving off.
Pan watched her go, vaguely hearing the woman call back 'tough luck kid', before turning on a street and disappearing from Pan's sight. Pan turned towards the place where she was suppose to work at and walked towards it, feeling hesitant.
Once Pan was inside she wanted to puke. Their was a dancing table in the middle of the room, and on it was a half naked woman being groped by all this men who didn't even notice Pan at all. Pan quickly walked pass them across many tables to the back. She walked in the back room finding the dressing rooms containing many women getting dressed.
'Okay now who do I have to talk to about getting ready?' Pan asked herself looking around. Spotting a short plump woman helping the girls with their clothing and make-up, she walked towards the woman.
"Excuse me ma'm I'm new here and I don't know what I have to do," Pan said politely to the woman hoping she would help her. The plump woman looked up at her and signaled to her to follow. Pan did and was taken to some dressing rooms.
"Here" she said giving Pan some clothes and walking right outside the room."Put those on and come back to the make-up rooms, so I can make you look a little older," she said from outside the room, before leaving.
Pan looked down at the clothes she was suppose to wear, and stood dumb struck, at how revealing they were. She sighed remembering how her mother had looked at her, before she left the house. She would have to wear them.
Looking herself over in the full length mirror, making a mental note to next time bring something to cover up or something. Pan was wearing black leather short shorts, that were too shiny and but short. Pan was giving a push up bra, which made her look as if she was more develop. Her blouse reveled her stomach. Her shirt was tide around her neck, and left her back naked. To make things worse for Pan the blouse was pink. Pan's most hated color
Pan wasn't use to wearing anything else but a huge T-shirt, baggy pants, and some tennis shoes. Pan walked out the dressing rooms and back to the previous room, finding the plump woman calling her over.
"Come, come, and sit I'll be done in about 15 minute. After I'm finished here go to the kitchens, your going to work with Marron, a blond, in serving the men there drinks and such," she said quickly sitting Pan down, and getting to work. Pan only assumed she was the boss because of the way she told everyone what to do.
Once the woman was done about 15 minutes later, Pan looked in the mirror and found a woman instead of a child looking back at her. She wanted to cry, but didn't. Pan looked away from her reflection and stood from her seat heading towards the kitchens. Pan walked quickly pass the men, who for some reason this time the noticed her, and began cat calling her. Finally Pan arrived at the kitchens and found the blond sitting around doing her nails.
"What yah want," she asked Pan in an annoying voice chewing her gun, and making Pan want to cover her ears, and do something, anything!
"Are you Moran, I mean are you Marron," I asked correcting my mistake, quickly but a little too late because she noticed.
"You know what bitch you don't know me so why the fuck are you calling me Moran?" She asked advancing on Pan angrily, ready to fight. Pan didn't back off, already use to people advancing on her before naming her parents.
"Ladies to work!" called the woman from the door glaring at both of them, before leaving. Marron glared at Pan for a while before graving drinks and leaving to deliver them. Pan did the same.
The day finally ended, and for that Pan was very grateful, because all the time she'd been working Marron hissed hateful things her way, trying to trip her once in a while.
As Pan walked out the back rooms she found herself in front of her father who was beyond drunk. He also was staring at her strangely before striding over to her and dragging her out the building.
"What are you doing father, did you come to pick me up?" Pan asked very confused and terrified of her father because he was drunk, and nothing good came when he was. Pan began to struggle, and dropped herself on the ground making it harder to drag her.
Her father hit her and pulled her by the hair hard, hearing something rip. Pan's head began to hurt more, and more as her father dragged her to the back of the alley with her kicking and screaming. No one came and helped Pan. sure it was dark, but people could still see as her father dragged her away towards the darkness of and alley.
"Please, please let me go father, please I didn't do anything wrong please let me go," Pan pleaded sobbing as her father finally threw her against the wall, next to some dumpsters. "Why are you doing this to me father I haven't done anything wrong, please just let me go home," Pan pleaded earning a good 6 slaps in the face.
"Shut.the.fuck.up" Pan's father growled hitting her. He began to grope Pan ruffly, in many unholy places. Pan began to scream more hysterical, and cried more than ever, feeling her father touch her like he was. It wasn't right. "Stop struggling you fucking bitch," Pan's father said angrily graving both Pan's hands and pinning her up against the wall with immense strength.
Pan's father ripped Pan's shirt in half, revealing her white bra. Pan screamed, and cried, for her father to please stop. He took off his belt and started hitting Pan with it over and over while struggling to take off his pants and Pan's.
After a while Pan was in shock she couldn't speak, couldn't think, couldn't do anything, but watch and sob. Until the immense pain of her father's blows made her welcome the darkness once it came to get her. She didn't get to see if her father got to take her virginity. She just wondered why no one came to help her when she had screamed, loader than she ever screamed before.
She knew many people had seen and heard her. They were near the street. But still no one came, maybe they were afraid. Maybe they didn't care. All Pan knew was no one helped her, as she faded into unconsciousness. The pain her father was inflicting on her with his fist and belt were too much to handle and she fainted. She was relived when darkness did overcome her. She accepted it with open arms, not feeling pain anymore. Just emptiness.
END OF FLASHBACK
*************************************************************************
From time to time I still wonder why no one helped me that that day. I had screamed myself horse pleading, begging, for someone to come and help me. To make my father stop abusing me. It was as if I was invisible. Which I was for the next year after the incident. I cried away all my emotions until I had none. I cried away all the happiness in my body. All that was left was a girl with locked tight emotions. Never again did I take crap from anyone, especially my parents. I hated the world. As I believed the world hated me.
I didn't get raped if that's what your thinking. Fortunately my father fell asleep before he raped me, he was that stoned. That night changed me, it changed me I believed forever. But I also believe someone or something may make me forget. I'm sure of it. But till then I will remain as I became, and only wish to try and forget. Someday. I might. Maybe.
*************************************************************************
When they hit me, I didn't cry.
When they hit me, I didn't cry.
When they hit me, I didn't cry.
I didn't cry... I didn't cry... I didn't cry,
When they hit me...
I didn't cry.
When I grew.
Author Notes: Alright, if anyone have any misunderstandings about this fanfic, just ask me while reviewing, aight...Special thanx to FightingWarrior_Panny for her help...thanx girl!