Author's note…I had to buy the Yunyun nendoroid too, I just couldn't resist.

On a completely unrelated note, which has nothing to do with this fanfic in any possible way, we have any DM Dokuro fans in here? CDMusic has big shoes to fill but from what we've seen, I think he'll do just fine. Anyways, back to it then.

"Your breakfast sir."

"Thanks Alfred."

"Please stop calling me Alfred young sir, my name is Heidel."

"Noted."

"You've said that every other day this week sir, and yet you still call me Alfred."

"Noted, good day."

Kazuma waved off the seething butler as he took a swig of his 'breakfast'. A wine glass of dragon's blood.

'Meh, it still doesn't compare to human blood. Or maybe Megumin and Darkness are just top of the line? Would blood from some hobo taste bad? Questions that will hopefully never be answered

I got to admit though, this is the life'

Kazuma quickly finished his glass, then slithered back beneath the covers of his presumably warm bed, pulling the blankets over his head to keep the subtle glow of the morning out of his eyes. Now that Iris didn't have to worry about Kazuma leaving anytime soon, she was a bit more lenient on letting him sleep in. Not that he disliked spending time with her, but lazing around and doing nothing in the morning was more his style.

'Kinda sucks my consciousness is split though. If I was more like a completely separate clone, and not a mentally linked body, I wouldn't have to deal with the faint sounds of "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" over and over again! Even from who knows how many miles away, that damn goddess has to intrude on my permanent vacation!'

Kazuma closed his eyes and attempted to relax.

My feet hurt!

Where's an inn when you need one!?

I'm hungry, go hunt something for me!

Kazuma tossed and turned on his pillow as his brain was repeatedly bombarded with quiet, but not quiet enough, voices coming from his other set of ears. In frustration, he threw his blanket across the room and sat up.

"Welp, guess I'm fully awake now."

Kazuma hastily put on a set of whatever random clothes was there for him before going about wandering around the palace. Doing his best to ignore the glares and scowls he got from the majority of the staff. For the most part, that wasn't a surprise. Vampire's are some of the most dangerous enemies one can faced, and are usually ranked similarly with liches. Let alone a vampire that defeated Mitsurugi in 'battle'.

As for the maids, that was for an entirely different reason. As he walked past a couple of them brooming, they instinctively lowered their hands to shield their lower areas.

'They just don't get it, I HAD to test out whether or not I could use my thief abilities in this state'

Which is why you had to take their undergarments

'You say that like I have any choice in the matter, it's the roll of the dice and nothing more. Besides, Darkness told me that's how you're supposed to treat maids'

Kazuma, in his boredom, had walked straight into the palace kitchen, where a short and rotund dwarf noticed him immediately.

"Hh!? It's you! How dare you set foot in my kitchen again you demon!"

"Gazpacho, come on don't be like that, I'm just wandering around."

"Why do you keep calling me that!? I'm literally wearing a nametag that clearly says 'Borden'!. What are we?"

"What are we? Look I don't really swing that way."

"You know what I meant! You call Heidel Alfred, you call the other butlers Sebastian number one, two and so on, and you call the maids strange names like Lupusregina and such! Is this all a game to you!?"

"I assure you Gazpacho, this ain't a game at all! Although if it was, it'd be called something like, 'find something to do until Iris gets out of class'."

"Princess Iris has more important things to do today than talk to the likes of you!"

"Then why is that all she likes to do all the time? Ooh is that Dragon bacon? If only I still had well working tastebuds."

"If you can hardly taste it then WHY ARE YOU EATING IT!?"

"Look man." munch "I get that you have height issues." munch "I totally get it, I wasn't the tallest in school either."

"I do not have height issues, ALL dwarfs are roughly this tall!"

'I could have sworn I saw a dwarf in Arcanletia who was a lot taller than this'

"And for your information, Princess Iris won't be able to focus on you today as she must preside over this quarters official adventurer ranking ceremony."

"The who-and-what now?"

Kazuma absent mindedly wandered about the beautifully stocked kitchen as Borden did his best to steer the vampire away from the more valuable items after last time.

"The rankings ceremony you ignoramus. You really haven't heard? At the start of every quarter, every adventurer in the capital is collectively scored and ranked based on their achievements and power. And then the best of the best are given a grand cermony to show the kingdom's appreciation"

"Did you seriously just say 'ignoramus'? Is that even a word? Don't answer that, this adventurer rank thing sounds awesome! Where do I rank!?"

"Why you asking me? You probably don't rank at all since you just got here."

"Aw what? Whatever."

'Kingdom's appreciation? What has literally anyone else done so far in the time that I've been here? I beat the lieutenants, I took all those bounties, I beat the destroyer! And I saved the crimson demon village!'

"I doubt you'd get very far, Even the talented Mitsurugi only reached third place last time."

"That bastard again? If he's third, then I have no doubt I'd top the list."

"Watch your mouth! Lord Mitsurugi is an amazing hero, and has manners and respect becoming of a man of his status."

"Yeah yeah yeah, everyone loves him. Even Iris brings him up every once in a while. God it's like I'm back in high school or something…Although."

"Hey! Where are you taking that chocolate souffle!? It took me three days to make that souffle!"

Kazuma had finally made it to the main courtyard, running and hiding from palace guards who attempted to take back the confectionary.

'Jeez, these nobles take food way too seriously'

this is where he usually waits for Iris to finish with her classes. Even from his spot, he could see Rain's expression turn nervous from the window after she spotted him. Most likely because-

"Good morning Kazuma!" The princess waved out the window.

That.

He watched as her teacher for the day, Rain, tried to coax the princess away from the window with little success before giving up.

"Kazuma, would you mind leaving for ten minutes!? The princess has already completely tuned me out!"

Iris, ignoring her teacher, only popped out of the window further.

"I have a surprise for you when I finish my class!" She said happily. Amazed that Kazuma was even awake so early to begin with.

"Princess please, this is an important lesson you are shirking!"

Rain did her best in trying to goad the young princess back into her seat, although the chance of her actually paying attention to the rest of the lesson went right out the window, where Kazuma was waiting.

"But look! It looks like big brother has a gift for me!"

"Then you can have it after we finish."

Kazuma couldn't get the best view from his angle, but he was both equally a fan of her cute smile, and the face she makes whenever she pouts because she didn't get her way with something. After only a week together, he had already forgotten their less than stellar first introduction. He remembers her looking so cold and detached from everything.

A massive far cry from the girl he lives with now, always attached to his arm and virtually begging him to play every game she can think of alongside her.

'Yep, this is the dream. No matter which way you look at it, this has been a long time coming. I still remember when I asked my parents to divorce so they could grant me a step sister to play with…now that I think about it I'm pretty sure they beat the shit out of me for that'

I am unsure if I am growing accustomed to your antics and nonsensical characteristics, or if I am losing my sanity

'Oh yeah you have it so bad, sitting around all day in this nice castle inside my brain doing nothing'

I wouldn't exactly call that a good life

'Oh yeah? Well what the hell were you doing before you got turned into a hobo?'

Bah, managing my kingdom of course. It is no joking manner to ensure the prosperity of an entire people

'Yeah, must be real hard signing papers, as opposed to ohhh I don't know…sleeping in a stable and getting eaten by frogs!? I had to make money by fighting cabbage…cabbage!'

"Big brother?"

Kazuma randomly felt a finger tap him on his nose, bringing him back out from his internal headspace.

"Oh hey Iris, done already?"

"You do that a lot, are you okay?"

"Me? Don't worry about me I'm fine, I just uh…wonder if I left the door unlocked at home is all."

"But isn't Darkness living in your house? She's taking care of it I'm sure."

"Ah, yeah of course."

'She actually called her Darkness this time, guess she is taking after me. But I mean, it's not like we've been together for too long or anything, makes me wonder just how much she'll change over time'

"Is that for me!?" Iris spotted the small item Kazuma held at his side.

"You know it! Fresh from the kitchen, and made by yours truly."

"A chocolate souffle! You made this? I didn't know you could bake."

"I once made Darkness a full on birthday cake with decorations and everything. It really blew up her expectations."

"Why did you say 'blew up' like that?"

"Enough about that, you said you had a surprise?"

"Oh yeah! Get dressed in something nice, we're going out!"

"Going out!? Now hold on a minute, I thought you weren't letting your romance novels give you certain expectations!"

"Th-they are not romance novels! And that's not what I meant. Seriously, for my bigger brother, you really do act like a kid sometimes. I'm talking about this quarters ranking ceremony! I want you there with me when I address the adventurers."

'Oh…ohohoh' Kazuma inwardly grinned like a demon. He was going to get to attend this celebration of other adventurers at her side? He was going to do everything in his power to specifically give those pricks the wrong idea. The least he could do to temper his petty resentment of popular guys was to make them jealous.

"Gaz- I mean Borden told me about that. Said all adventurers get scores or something."

"That's right, but this ceremony only commemorates the top ten. It's simple really, they are presented individually in front of a large crowd, and then I speak on behalf of the kingdom to admire their accomplishments, and to wish them luck in the summer tourney!"

"The summer what?"

On a largely empty dirt trail through grasslands, four bored adventurers marched along. Occasionally engaging in small talk, but mostly to complain.

"Why are there no carriage services again?" Aqua asked.

"From what my father was briefed a few years ago, after the kingdoms were destroyed, there was a high increase in both crime and attacks from wildlife. Nearly all transportation services shut down afterwards."

"Yo Darkness, you used to spend time in the capital growing up right?"

"That's right, why do you ask Kazuma?"

"Have you ever heard of the summer tourney?"

"Well of course! The summer tourney, or sometimes called the tournament of the sun, is an annual event where anyone is allowed to join and test their mettle in direct combat. The winners are usually regarded as the strongest in the entire kingdom of Belzerg!"

"A tournament huh. Is there a champion or something?"

"I've never attended myself, but I hear that the current reigning champion commands power over light itself."

"Light? Sounds annoying as hell. Pfft, good thing I don't have to fight in some stupid tournament."

"Why not enter next year Kazuma? I think it would be enjoyable to watch you in combat against other adventurers."

"Yeah well, we'll see."

Kazuma felt a presence creep up from behind him. Getting closer and closer with each step.

"What do you want?" He asked.

"Ummm, Kazuma~ I know how you always carry Megumin on your back whenever she goes limp right?"

"Uhuh?"

"Well, that's like, an emergency right? And I mean, when you consider what my feet feel like right now, I guess you can also call this emergency, so perhaps-"

"No I'm not gonna carry you."

"But WHY!? My feet can't take this any longer! You're the reason I'm out here in the first place! So you have to accommodate for me!"

Aqua fell to the floor, grabbing onto Kazuma's ankles and dragging her feet through the dirt, forcing him to stomp his way forward to move.

"Will you let go!? Stop acting like a baby! This wasn't my first choice believe me."

"What!? Are you saying you were gonna leave me behind?"

"Eh!? Didn't you just say that's what you wanted?"

"I didn't say that, I just said my feet hurt and I want you to help me! Is that too much to ask for!? Mrrf!"

Aqua let go and buried her face in her arms as she remained on the floor.

"Oi, come on. We gotta move."

"Nnnhh" Aqua shook her head.

Megumin and Darkness gave her sympathetic looks, before turning pleading eyes to Kazuma.

"Agh oh fine. I'll freaking carry you, happy now?"

"Yeah!"

"Wha-? I swear you fake cry every time just to get your way. And watch your liquids I don't wanna be exercised before we can get to our next stopping point."

"Ew, that sounds weird, don't say liquids like that again!"

While he was a bit annoyed at first at having to lug Aqua around, he soon began to think of the positives.

'Firstly, she shut up! Totally worth the hassle already. But uh, I didn't exactly think this through'

The second positive, sorta, was that Aqua is far more developed than Megumin, having the literal body of a goddess. While it wasn't exactly lustfull like Darkness, it was well shaped, not a single flaw. With her chest pressed against his back, and with his hands full of her soft thighs, he realized the problem that could quickly arise.

'Not that I'd actually ever have those types of thoughts on AQUA of all girls, trust me I've tried, but my body doesn't understand the difference! Thighs are thighs! And boobs are boobs! And hers are way bigger than Megumin!'

Not thirty minutes later and Aqua was already well asleep, snoring on his shoulder.

"You look like you're enjoying this Kazuma." Megumin suddenly said.

'Uh oh, it's begun'

"Having a girl like that clutched tightly to you like that, must feel nice huh?"

"Now hold on, you can't say that after you were the one who pretty much asked me to give in to her tantrum."

"Hh!? Y-yeah maybe. But you still look like you're enjoying that a bit too much. But I think I have a solution."

'I don't like the way she said that!'

And for the rest of the day, Kazuma hoisted Aqua on his back with the help of an extra set of conjured hands, and was forced to carry Megumin in his arms, who also fell asleep.

"S-say Kazuma, do you think that I could also-"

"Shut up and keep walking!"

Kazuma, now sat across from the the princess in a carriage, tugged at his collar. The suit the maids picked out was a bit too tight for him, perhaps on purpose. He admitted that he began to miss his usual set of clothes while in the capital. Ever since he was essentially kidnapped, he's been wearing random combinations of whatever he found in his room's wardrobe.

'Whatever, being a bit uncomfortable isn't gonna stop me'

He chuckled like an idiot at the thought of the 'heroes' faces when they saw him acting buddy buddy with the princess.

"Your majesty, did we really need to bring him along? I can already see something nasty brewing in those eyes of his." Claire said.

"Oi, I'm right here you know."

Before he could actually see the stadium, he could hear it. The bustling roar of thousands in attendance as the royal carriage strode through the streets and made its way inside. Hundreds of soldiers and guardsman awaited them.

'So is this what the capital does nowadays? All this manpower and I'M the one trekking over ten thousand miles? What bullshit is this?'

After dismounting and making it up several flights of stairs, they finally arrived at a special room near the top of the colosseum, with a balcony overlooking the thousands of seats.

Even Kazuma had to take a moment to collect himself. This definitely wasn't Axel anymore.

"We are ready to begin, your majesty." Said one of the guardsmen to the side.

"Very well, let the ceremony commence!"

After taking their seats upon the balcony, Kazuma watched with interest for roughly thirty seconds before daydreaming as announcers went on and on about the greatness of Belzerg and the power of both its military and its strong adventurers.

People cheered as large groups of performers and dancing troupes came and went, presenting choreographed spectacles. At one point a circus group brought out trained animals to perform acts that amazed the crowd.

Kazuma for the most part, wasn't one for these types of tricks and shows anymore, or maybe its caused it reminded him of something, or rather someone.

However when he looked at Iris and saw her genuinely enjoying everything, at the very least he cracked a smile to feign enjoyment.

'She did say this was a surprise for me after all'

"And now, we get to our main event! We will now present, the ten strongest adventurers, in the WORLD!" The unknown announcer stated.

'The world? Really? Is that cause the other kingdoms are fubar?'

Regardless of his annoyances, he finally bent forward a bit in his seat, curious to see who the ten greatest in the world were.

"At number ten, the dancer of death, bringing the groove, it's Ishii Maiko!"

'Ishii Maiko? Isn't that a Japanese name? Huh, can't believe it's taken that long to meet a third one of us out here'

Ishii, who looked like the average Japanese teen, walked out to a roar of feminine cheers and roses. Instead of armor, he wore a pure white tuxedo. After arriving at his spot, he spun around and hit a dance move.

'I already hate him'

"Coming up next, at number nine, the man who once ate an entire buffet into bankruptcy! Isobe Seiji, of the five palates!"

'Now hold up'

"At eight! Horiuchi Ken'Ichi the immortal!"

'OI!'

"At seven, champion of the woods, Machi Masaki!"

'Are ALL these guys from Earth!?'

As opposed to the others, who looked like your average teenagers, all wearing different kinds of upper tier armor, Machi looked like a humanoid tree of sorts, most likely ten feet tall.

"At six, Miyasaki Kazuo, wielder of uh…how do you pronounce this again? Pone? Oh I've always said poon. What do you mean they can all still hear me?"

'…'

"Wielder of the Pwn Hammer!

And now to the top five!

Tetsuo Asato the ghostblade! Look at all those swords he carries! I hope he doesn't ever cut himself!

Number four, Kanda Takehiko the wolf prince! Boy am I glad he's down there, he has the temperament of a wolf, smells like one too."

'Looks like Tetsuo uses katanas too. Though mine's bigger than all of his. And Takehiko looks like a damn mountain man. Is that a wolf head he's wearing as a hat?'

"We are down to our final three, let's be honest you know them all very well!

At number three, give it up to lord Mitsurugi! Wielder of the all powerful Graham!"

The cheers got considerably louder, and even Iris's eyes were glued harder than before.

'So if he's three, who's above him?'

"At number two, we still don't know much about his personal life, it's the mysterious Hisoka Katayama! User of the forbidden magic known only as 'Dark veil'!

And now, the legendary champion of Belzerg, who has been the indisputable number one for years in a row, the walking arsenal, Gorou Tanigawa!"

Unlike everyone before him, who all looked like teens Kazuma could have went to highschool with, not including the walking tree, Gorou had bright auburn hair, and was easily the oldest of the lot, appearing to be in his mid to late twenties.

'Is that dyed? Do they have dye in this world? Talk about main protagonist syndrome…hold up, then that means. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE GUYS ARE JAPANESE! Where they hell have they been this whole time!? If I didn't become a vampire, would the Tyrant just have free reign to fuck shit up? What a bunch of lazy bastards!'

Yes boy, speak more about your desire to uphold a sense of duty

'The difference is that they had these cool ass powers and weapons from the start, meanwhile all I've had is Aqua. Which I can't believe is even a WORSE choice now that I'm a vampire'

Iris stood from her seat, and with the help of Rain, a glowing purple circle appeared near her mouth. As she spoke, her voice projected all throughout the stadium.

"It is with great honor that I bestow upon you ten mighty heroes, the ranks you have earned this day, as we- we- K-Kazuma stop that! Now isn't the time!"

Kazuma squeezed lightly at her sides, a favorite attack of his whenever she began to gloat too much after beating him in any of their games.

"What are you doing!? Get your hands off the princess!" Claire demanded.

"Calm down Elvis, I was just letting her know I'm here! These public speeches can make a girl nervous, I'm showing support and you're getting mad."

"I don't know who this Elvis is, but if you think I will stand here and-"

"Ignore him Claire. It's okay."

"B-but your majesty!"

Kazuma flashed Claire an evil smile and returned to the princess's side.

The thousands in attendance all spoke in hushed voices as they tried to get a view on what was going on.

"Did she say Kazuma?" Of everyone, it was obviously Mitsurugi to understand what that could mean.

"Ahem, the ranks you have all earned this day as we bring out your official medallions, forged in the royal palace uniquely, erm, for you. Kazuma, you're standing too close behind me. I can feel you breathing."

"Did you just call me Kazuma? Now now, remember what we agreed on that day I beat you in tic-tac-toe?"

"Y-you, really now? You're such a handful, b-big brother."

"Your majesty…"

Rain motioned to Iris's mouth, where she realized the microphone-like ability was still in effect.

Mitsurugi scratched his head, and the other adventurers alongside him all were left flabbergasted. All collectively thinking in varying levels of jealousy: 'who did she just call big brother?'

Iris covered her blushing face in her hands and struggled not to let out a pout of embarrassment.

"Aw come on now, don't be like that. Here, we'll do it together!"

Kazuma, in an uncharacteristically friendly and extroverted manner, bent down to speak into the 'mic', reading off the paper script placed off to the side.

"And now, if the medallion bearers would come out and officially mark this quarters heroes!"

While Kazuma spoke with vigor, Iris trailed slightly behind in a higher pitched voice as she lost her dignity for the moment. Even Rain was unsure what to do other than nervously laugh at the spectacle.

Kazuma made sure to never break eye contact with the ten adventurers below. Reveling in his rather petty 'victory'. Afraid that at any moment Claire would wrench him away, he looked back quickly only to see that she had fainted.

'Oh this is going to be an interesting conversation back at the palace…worth it!'

"Now that each bears the medal of Belzerg, we once more grant you our deepest appreciation for your accomplishments! And we will be greatly honored to see you again at this years Summer Tourney, where the winner will-"

Kazuma stopped when he read the next few words of the script. Iris, on the other hand, continued just as shyly as before.

"-the winner will be granted a one week stay in the royal palace to spend time with none other than myself. I wish you all g-good luck in the tournament."

After seconds of silence, everyone present, regardless of where they were located within the massive stadium, closed their eyes and braced their ears as they were attacked by a resounding "WHAAAAAAT!?"