DISCLAIMER- I, sadly, do not own any of the characters in this story. I also don't own the commercial about Reese's Cups, or the Reese's Cups themselves. Did you know they make inside-out Reese's cups with the peanut butter on the outside? Weird.
(A/N- You shouldn't be reading this fanfiction story. Close this right away. I have dedicated my life to researching, writing and posting the stories about how most of the characters in the Lemony Snicket books would eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. You on the other hand have made no such oath. Please, if you do not wish to feel a horrible, intense craving for some sort of sugary candy, read some other fanfiction story. Like maybe one of my other stories!)
HOW WOULD MR. POE EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?
Mr. Poe walked into the room.
"Hmmmmm." he muttered. "My sources informed me that the Quagmire twins would be here. I need to find them, seeing as I'm in charge of orphan affairs."
He waited a few minutes, coughing into his hankerchief. Then a thought occured to him.
"What if it's the Quagmire quadruplets? I don't remember how
many there were!" Then he spied the table with the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. "What's this?"
Mr. Poe walked over and picked up a candy. After pausing to cough into his hankerchief he said,
"Ahhh. These are Kit Kats. I really do like those candies. Oh wait, or are these the ones with caramel in them?" he coughed again. "I guess I'll find out."
Mr. Poe unwrapped the candy and took a bite. "Not bad." He murmered. "I was wrong, though. They're filled with nuts." He finished the candy and put
the wrapper in his pocket. Out of habit, he opened his mouth to cough. Nothing came out.
"I didn't cough!" Mr. Poe exclaimed. "Why is that?" He breathed deeply and stood still for ten whole minutes and didn't cough once. "Could those
candies have cured my coughing? I've had that cough since I was born!" Mr. Poe cried. "This is amazing! I must tell my wife!"
He ran out of the room and out into the hall. A few minutes later, we hear someone start coughing uncontrolably and then saying "Darn it!"
HOW WOULD MONTGOMERY MONTGOMERY EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?
Uncle Monty strode into the room.
"Hmmmmm." he muttered. "Where are those Baudelaires? We need to get packed for Peru." he noticed the table with the bowl on top of it. "That must be something I forgot to pack." The man sighed. "I hope Stephano is very organized. Gustav, my old assistant, always remembered what to pack. It's so odd how he quit his job like that. It isn't like him at all."
Montgomery walked over to the bowl and saw the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and the sign that said 'Please take some.'
"Excellent!" he exclaimed. "There's a special snake called the Carnivorous Blue Snake that only eats chocolate and peanuts. We can lure him into a cage with these."
Uncle Monty grabbed a few and stuffed them into his pocket. Then he saw a note on the table addressed to him. It read:
Dear Montgomery,
As I write this I can hear the church bells ringing! Do you know about the new movie that Dr. Sebald produced? It's not as good as the one with the horrible zombies who eat children. The title is Orphans in the Elevator Shaft, and these orphans have to escape the shaft and get to the candies that will save their lives. Tell all your friends that they need to see the movie, as soon as possible. I have watched it at least five times. Guess what? Currently I've been taking care
of Shelia and her water needs to be filled. Shelia, my friend's pet snake, is a pretty black color with shiny blue spots. This is my first time keeping a snake as a pet, so I'm worried that I'll mess up. Venom isn't a problem; her's has been removed. Ring, ring! It's time to stop, my alarm clock is ringing.
Sincerely, J
"I must see that movie!" Uncle Monty cried. "And I really must see Shelia. I do love snakes." he grabbed a Reese's cup and unwrapped it. "Might as well have one now. They're not as good as my famous Coconut Creme Cake, but they're still sweet." He popped it in his mouth. "They're not very good for you either, but," he chuckled. "I'll survive. It's just one. Now, I wonder if those Baudelaires want to go see Orphans in the Elevator Shaft before we go to Peru? I'm sure we have the time."
Mongomery hurried from the room, muttering. "Where is Stephano? I hope he's as good an assistant as Gustav was."
HOW WOULD AUNT JOSEPHINE EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?
Aunt Josephine walked into the room cautiously. She saw the table and winced.
"Don't people know that sticking tables in the middle of the room is dangerous?" she muttered. "Someone could trip over it!" she walked over and saw the bowl with Reese's Cups and the sign that read 'please take one.'
Aunt Josephine sighed. "There is a grammatical mistake." she took a red pen from her pocket and crossed out the sentance. "It is not grammatically
correct to leave the first letter of sentance as a lowercase letter. There is also no period after the last word." she frowned. "And 'Take one, please." sounds better and more proper. She wrote it again in her flowing cursive.
Then she turned her attention to the candy and shuddered. "I remember that Ike loved Reese's Cups. In fact, he had one for lunch the day the leeches.....
that day he went.....swimming.....too soon." she began to bawl. "And besides," she wailed, "Sugar clogs your arteries! That's so dangerou! I don't want a heart attack." she ran from the room, nearly tripping over her own feet and slammed the door.
THERE'S NO WRONG WAY TO EAT A REESE'S!
REVIEWERS-
Lilana Novakovich- I'm glad you like it. Is Novakovich your last name? It's a really cool name.
KittyWillow- I wish I could have a cat, but my brother's allergic to them. Grrrrrrr. We just have a really weird bird whose name is Iris, but nobody calls him that. (yes, Iris can be a boy's name) We just call him birdie. And my sister has a hamster whose name is Alyssa, but we call her Hammie.
ERMonkey, Queen of Insanity- Don't worry, I'll get to Hector. I'm going to do the guardians in the order they appear in the series. You'll have to wait a few chapters.
o0wallpaper0o- Your pen name is really funny! How'd you come up with it? You're from UK!! That's soooooo cool. I live in the boring ol' US of A. I can't believe you don't know what Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are. I pity you. You can't really experiance the joys of life until you've tasted one.
Hermione Baudelaire- Thanks for the figurative candy. It was delicious. I like the Quagmires too. Especially Quigley.
Violet Baudelaire- Gondor has no pants? What's that supposed to mean? I take it you like LOTR too. I love LOTR, especially the movies. I read the books, but they were about too long and detailed for me. I have no patience whatsoever.
Coffe Luv and MORT- I like Dilbert too. Here's my update. I think I'd be more scared of Catbert. It's so funny how everything's bert. Dogbert, Dilbert, Catbert. No Dinobert, though.
Visualpurple- Call me back as soon as you know about next Saturday. How 'bout a sleepover? You could come to my church or something. I'm glad you liked Celeste . Have you ever read a Mary Sue paradoy before? Do you know what a Mary Sue is?
Smilies- Not a bad idea. Elders, hmmmmmmmm. And their crow hats. Very interesting.
Violet Baudelaire's Best Friend- Beatrice Baudelaire? Do you think that maybe Beatrice was the orphans' mother? I think she might be, but I'm not sure, since they never mention their parent's names. I want the next book to come out so I can get more hints to this confusing mystery!
Rosemary Parkinsons- I'm sorry you didn't like it. Maybe this chapter will be funnier.
Crow's Blood on Quill- Interesting pen name. Where'd you get that from? The quill in the fifth Harry Potter book? That quill was freaky. Glad you liked my story!
READ AND REVIEW!!