DISCLAIMER- I don't own Lemony Snicket's characters. Why are you reading this? It's too miserable! Stop! Before the story starts! Get out before it's too late!
HOW WOULD JEROME SQUALOR EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?
Jerome walked into the room. He noticed the table with the bowl filled with candies. "Oh goodie," he said. "I haven't had one of these in a while. I think we might have some in one of our twenty or so pantries, but I've forgotten where that particular pantry is."
Jerome went over and unwrapped one of the candies. "I really didn't want to live in the penthouse. It was Esme's idea, and since I don't like to argue...." he popped the candy into his mouth. "Mmmmmmm." he smiled. "Delicious." then he remembered something. "I remember why we don't eat these. Peanut butter is
out! Esme told me awhile ago."
He sighed. "She's always said that I should never do anything to make myself 'out' because then it will reflect on her status. Having a husband who's
'out' is not very 'in', I suppose." he looked at the rest of the candy forlornly. "I don't want to argue, so I'd better not eat anymore."
He started to walk away, then said, "I hope she doesn't find out about the one I did eat. She probably won't. As long as I don't eat anymore, I'll be fine." Then he left the room.
HOW WOULD THE ANGRY MOB EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?
The door burst open and in stampeded a mob of very angry people. They were all carring torches and waving them wildly. It was fortunate that nothing in
the room was flamable. Mr. Lesko cried, "The stupid murderers aren't in here!"
"What?" cried Mrs. Morrow. "I could've sworn they came in here."
"I'm tired of looking for those orphans." another mob member complained. "Isn't there any other criminal we can burn at the stake?"
"Let's burn whoever thought they were in here at the stake!" one mob member suggested.
"Hey, it's not my fault!" Mrs. Morrow said. "They're in here! I'm sure of it! I saw them come in the door."
"Then why aren't they here?" asked Mr. Lesko. "Does anyone see three murderous orphans?"
Everyone was quiet, then Mrs. Morrow cried, "You can't burn someone for being mistaken!"
"Yes we can!" A mob member cried. "I'm sure there's a rule that says people shouldn't lie!"
"I didn't lie!"
"A mistake's just as bad." Mr. Lesko countered. Mrs. Morrow glared at him. "We should burn you! I remember that you once wounded a crow! I
promised not to tell, but you deserve to be burned!"
"You hurt a crow?" exclaimed someone in the mob. Everyone stared at Mr. Lesko.
"It was already hurt!" he exclaimed. "And it was just sitting on my porch, so I swept at it with a broom to get it to leave. Then I hit it by mistake!"
"Another mistake!" cried Mrs. Morrow. "Let's burn him!"
The mob cheered. Then, fortunately for Mr. Lesko, someone in the mob saw the candies. "Look! Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!"
Suddenly the mob went berzerk. "I want some!" Mrs. Morrow cried. "Save one for me!"
Everyone grabbed them and stuffed them in their mouths. In a matter of minutes, they were all gone.
"I didn't get one." Mr. Lesko pouted. Then he exclaimed. "Isn't there a rule that says only foods that have been approved by the elders can be eaten, because the factories that produce them might harm crows?"
The mob members looked around guiltily. Then Mrs. Morrow said, "What the elders don't know can't hurt them. As long as nobody tells." she glared at Mr. Lesko, "We'll all be fine."
"Agreed!" the mob members cried. Then they filed out of the room. Mr. Lesko trailed behind, smiling craftily and wondering where the elders were at this moment. He would make the rest of the mob wish they had saved him a candy.
HOW WOULD THE COUNSEL OF ELDERS EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?
A group of elderly people in robes with crow hats walked into the room. The crow hats bobbed on their heads when they walked in the most ridiculous manner. One of the elders saw the candies in the bowl.
"There are Reese's Cups in that bowl." the elder commented. He looked toward an even more elderly elder. "Are there any rules regarding the consumption of chocolate and peanut butter candies?"
"Rule # 258 clearly states that no food my be consumed if crows were harmed in its making." The eldest looking elder said calmly.
"But we don't know if crows were harmed." the first elder pointed out.
"Rule # 259 clearly states that if no information is found regarding the production method, the food must not be eaten." The eldest elder replied.
"But Rule #12,003 clearly states," another elder stated, "that all food given to any member of the town of V.F.D. must be first shared amongst the crows."
"But the crows are not here right now." An elder elder argued.
"If that is the case," the elder answered, "then we must bring some of the candies to the crows."
"But Rule # 4,504 clearly states," the first elder said, "that all food must be first test-tasted by the elders, so that the crows will not be harmed by any food poisoning."
"So we should test taste it, then bring some to the crows if it's okay," the youngest elder suggested.
All the elders looked to the eldest elder for advice. He looked around the room, trying to appear wise and thoughtful. Then he said, "I will test taste it for the crows. If it's poisoned, at least the crows will not be harmed."
All the elders clapped for his bravery and determination to save the crows. Then he carefully unwrapped a candy and took a small bite.
"Are they good?" asked the youngest elder.
"I don't think the crows will like them." the eldest elder replied. "Too much sugar is bad for birds."
"Rule #43,503 clearly states that all food dangerous to the birds must be desposed of." the first elder said.
"Should we burn them at the stake?" asked another elder. "I don't know if it will be as fun with candy...."
"Rule # 5,603 clearly states that rule breakers must be burned at the stake." the eldest elder said. "That means no one else can, and neither can chocolate candies. Besides, some might not be fully burned. We want to be sure the crows don't eat them."
"We could eat them." the youngest elder suggested. Everyone stared ather for a moment. Then they turned to the eldest elder and waited for his ruling.
"We will eat them ourselves." he nodded. Then the elders slowly and calmly ate the candies and tried not to smile at the delicious, creamy taste. After they had finished, they filed slowly out of the room.
HOW WOULD HECTOR EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?
Hector walked into the room slowly, his face mournful. "They want me to look after the orphans. But I don't want to." He sighed. "I've never had children before. In fact, I haven't even seen children in awhile. They might be really loud. But I couldn't say no to the counsel. They make me too skittish." He looked around the room and saw the candies.
"Maybe some Reese's Cups will help me feel better." he unwrapped one and ate it slowly. After he was done, an idea popped into his head. "I could dig a hole to China! Then I'll get away from the counsel of elders, and their stupid rules!" he cried. Then he began pacing and planning his escape. "I'll bring some books, of course. And some of my tools. I'll need food too." the bowl caught his eye. "I'll bring those!"
Then, suddenly, his light bulb went out. "I don't have a shovel." he said, mournful once more. "How can I dig to China without a shovel?" Then he got another brain wave. "What about a hot air balloon? I can float to China in the air!"
Then he discovered a problem with his ingenious plan. "But I don't even know where China is. And besides, wherever I land, they'll find me and burn me at the stake." Hector sighed, but continued thinking. "If I made a self-sustaining hot air ballon, then I'd never have to come down! Hector ol' boy," he smiled, "You're on to something!" then he grabbed the Reese's Cups bowl and strode out of the room.
THERE'S NO WRONG WAY TO EAT A REESE'S!!!
REVIEWERS-
ERMonkey, Queen of Insanity- I'm glad you liked my story! Here's the update. It took a while because I had to study for math finals! Grrrrrrr.
S-Drama-Queen-17- Sorry you had to wait. I loooooove writing in Lemony Snicket's style! It's soooo cool. Oh yeah, tofu Reese's Cups. Hee hee. One of my other reviewers, Leigh A. Sumpter, is allergic to peanuts so she can't have Reese's cups. I told her it's too bad they don't make tofu Reese's Cups. I liked doing Carmelita because she's such a brat!
Leigh A. Sumpter- Market tofu Reese's Cups? Hmmmmm. Not a bad idea! Instead of lemonade this summer, I could sell tofu Reese's Cups outside my house. I'm sure I'd have a long line that went all the way down my street! My slogan could be "The fat-free candy that never melts in your hand! Sure it's a bit squishy, but it's made of all-natural ingredients!"
KittyWillow- Wow! Only 300 students? We have 242 in just my grade! We don't have any Jamies, which is a pity since it's such a nice name. The most popular names are Amanda and Alex. My full name is Emily Louise [CONFIDENTIAL]. I'm sooooo happy! Tomorrow's my last day of SCHOOL! And it's just a half day where we sign yearbooks.
Smilies- You laugh like a dancing monkey? I laugh like a hiccuping penguin. (in my world, penguins can hiccup. So can pigs) I'm glad you liked Carmelita's obsession with being a queen. Yeah! Good choice with how to spend youR dollar bill! We went to a lake today, and the weather was perfect. It was rainy, windy, and FREEZING! But at least the water was warm in comparison.
Coffee Luv and MORT- Yeah! Mort thought of an idea! In honor of this rare occasion, I will most definitly do Madam Lulu and the Snow Scouts. But not yet. You have to wait a little bit. Muahahahhhaha.
Opal- Glad you liked my story. Thanks for reviewin'! I love feedback, especially when it's positive!
Violet Baudelaire- I got Izzy's review. Do you have an account on fanfiction? WHAT!!! I have to wait 3 MONTHS for the next book to come out??!! I can't wait that long! I'm going to diiiiiiieeeeeeee.
Isadora Baudelaire- Glad you liked my story. Do you and Violet go to the same school? Do you have a fanfiction account? I'll update as soon as I can. Thanks goodness school's almost out! Just one more measley half a day!
o0wallpaper0o- Last year? You mean last year of Middle School? Yuppers. I just graduated from eighth grade! Wee who! Happy. You probably get more breaks in the middle of the school year. How long are your school days? Ours are from 8 o'clock in the morning until 2:50 pm. Almost seven hours of thinking! I can hardly stand it!
chuckles-le-squish- Interesting pen name. How'd you every come up with it? I'm glad you liked the Olaf and Esme chapter. Esme is one of my favorite characters, next to Carmelita. I also loooooove Quigley! Yeah, everyone gets a craving for chocolatey-goodness when they read my stories. Sorry. Not my fault! I did warn you not to read this!
Visualpurple- No, MUSHROOMS hasn't reviewed any of mine (sniff, sniff) I WANT TO BE IN A V.F.D CLUB!!! YEAH!!!!! You're writing a story! I'm so proud! (starts to cry) You're growing up so fast! (just kidding) You must not try and contact me again, S. I wrote an article in the MLE times, and now O and E are after me! I'll meet you at the summer meeting spot. The Hooty-Hooty-Ha. Just don't have a heart attack getting there. Make sure you use your Veiled Facial Disguies. I'll be disguised as a Team Elijah member. We'll be safe there. Many of the couselors are members. J is there, but the campers don't suspect a thing. For some reason they think her name is Jay. Be sure to meet me there! When you meet me, say The World is Quiet here, so I'll know it's not someone else disguised as you.
Sinthilian- Glad you liked my story. Yes, reading it makes me hungry too. Where'd you get your pen name?
Sweetie880- Thanks for reviewing! Do you have a fanfiction account? If so, tell me so I can read some of your stories.
PrincessEilonwy- Glad you liked it. Yeah, poor Phil. I always felt sorry for him. Carmelita was soooooo much fun to do. She's so annoying and bratty. I'm glad to say I haven't ever had a math teacher like Mrs. Bass. My algebra teacher this year did think that math was 'beautiful', but she was really fun anyway.
REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!!!
HOW WOULD JEROME SQUALOR EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?
Jerome walked into the room. He noticed the table with the bowl filled with candies. "Oh goodie," he said. "I haven't had one of these in a while. I think we might have some in one of our twenty or so pantries, but I've forgotten where that particular pantry is."
Jerome went over and unwrapped one of the candies. "I really didn't want to live in the penthouse. It was Esme's idea, and since I don't like to argue...." he popped the candy into his mouth. "Mmmmmmm." he smiled. "Delicious." then he remembered something. "I remember why we don't eat these. Peanut butter is
out! Esme told me awhile ago."
He sighed. "She's always said that I should never do anything to make myself 'out' because then it will reflect on her status. Having a husband who's
'out' is not very 'in', I suppose." he looked at the rest of the candy forlornly. "I don't want to argue, so I'd better not eat anymore."
He started to walk away, then said, "I hope she doesn't find out about the one I did eat. She probably won't. As long as I don't eat anymore, I'll be fine." Then he left the room.
HOW WOULD THE ANGRY MOB EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?
The door burst open and in stampeded a mob of very angry people. They were all carring torches and waving them wildly. It was fortunate that nothing in
the room was flamable. Mr. Lesko cried, "The stupid murderers aren't in here!"
"What?" cried Mrs. Morrow. "I could've sworn they came in here."
"I'm tired of looking for those orphans." another mob member complained. "Isn't there any other criminal we can burn at the stake?"
"Let's burn whoever thought they were in here at the stake!" one mob member suggested.
"Hey, it's not my fault!" Mrs. Morrow said. "They're in here! I'm sure of it! I saw them come in the door."
"Then why aren't they here?" asked Mr. Lesko. "Does anyone see three murderous orphans?"
Everyone was quiet, then Mrs. Morrow cried, "You can't burn someone for being mistaken!"
"Yes we can!" A mob member cried. "I'm sure there's a rule that says people shouldn't lie!"
"I didn't lie!"
"A mistake's just as bad." Mr. Lesko countered. Mrs. Morrow glared at him. "We should burn you! I remember that you once wounded a crow! I
promised not to tell, but you deserve to be burned!"
"You hurt a crow?" exclaimed someone in the mob. Everyone stared at Mr. Lesko.
"It was already hurt!" he exclaimed. "And it was just sitting on my porch, so I swept at it with a broom to get it to leave. Then I hit it by mistake!"
"Another mistake!" cried Mrs. Morrow. "Let's burn him!"
The mob cheered. Then, fortunately for Mr. Lesko, someone in the mob saw the candies. "Look! Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!"
Suddenly the mob went berzerk. "I want some!" Mrs. Morrow cried. "Save one for me!"
Everyone grabbed them and stuffed them in their mouths. In a matter of minutes, they were all gone.
"I didn't get one." Mr. Lesko pouted. Then he exclaimed. "Isn't there a rule that says only foods that have been approved by the elders can be eaten, because the factories that produce them might harm crows?"
The mob members looked around guiltily. Then Mrs. Morrow said, "What the elders don't know can't hurt them. As long as nobody tells." she glared at Mr. Lesko, "We'll all be fine."
"Agreed!" the mob members cried. Then they filed out of the room. Mr. Lesko trailed behind, smiling craftily and wondering where the elders were at this moment. He would make the rest of the mob wish they had saved him a candy.
HOW WOULD THE COUNSEL OF ELDERS EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?
A group of elderly people in robes with crow hats walked into the room. The crow hats bobbed on their heads when they walked in the most ridiculous manner. One of the elders saw the candies in the bowl.
"There are Reese's Cups in that bowl." the elder commented. He looked toward an even more elderly elder. "Are there any rules regarding the consumption of chocolate and peanut butter candies?"
"Rule # 258 clearly states that no food my be consumed if crows were harmed in its making." The eldest looking elder said calmly.
"But we don't know if crows were harmed." the first elder pointed out.
"Rule # 259 clearly states that if no information is found regarding the production method, the food must not be eaten." The eldest elder replied.
"But Rule #12,003 clearly states," another elder stated, "that all food given to any member of the town of V.F.D. must be first shared amongst the crows."
"But the crows are not here right now." An elder elder argued.
"If that is the case," the elder answered, "then we must bring some of the candies to the crows."
"But Rule # 4,504 clearly states," the first elder said, "that all food must be first test-tasted by the elders, so that the crows will not be harmed by any food poisoning."
"So we should test taste it, then bring some to the crows if it's okay," the youngest elder suggested.
All the elders looked to the eldest elder for advice. He looked around the room, trying to appear wise and thoughtful. Then he said, "I will test taste it for the crows. If it's poisoned, at least the crows will not be harmed."
All the elders clapped for his bravery and determination to save the crows. Then he carefully unwrapped a candy and took a small bite.
"Are they good?" asked the youngest elder.
"I don't think the crows will like them." the eldest elder replied. "Too much sugar is bad for birds."
"Rule #43,503 clearly states that all food dangerous to the birds must be desposed of." the first elder said.
"Should we burn them at the stake?" asked another elder. "I don't know if it will be as fun with candy...."
"Rule # 5,603 clearly states that rule breakers must be burned at the stake." the eldest elder said. "That means no one else can, and neither can chocolate candies. Besides, some might not be fully burned. We want to be sure the crows don't eat them."
"We could eat them." the youngest elder suggested. Everyone stared ather for a moment. Then they turned to the eldest elder and waited for his ruling.
"We will eat them ourselves." he nodded. Then the elders slowly and calmly ate the candies and tried not to smile at the delicious, creamy taste. After they had finished, they filed slowly out of the room.
HOW WOULD HECTOR EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?
Hector walked into the room slowly, his face mournful. "They want me to look after the orphans. But I don't want to." He sighed. "I've never had children before. In fact, I haven't even seen children in awhile. They might be really loud. But I couldn't say no to the counsel. They make me too skittish." He looked around the room and saw the candies.
"Maybe some Reese's Cups will help me feel better." he unwrapped one and ate it slowly. After he was done, an idea popped into his head. "I could dig a hole to China! Then I'll get away from the counsel of elders, and their stupid rules!" he cried. Then he began pacing and planning his escape. "I'll bring some books, of course. And some of my tools. I'll need food too." the bowl caught his eye. "I'll bring those!"
Then, suddenly, his light bulb went out. "I don't have a shovel." he said, mournful once more. "How can I dig to China without a shovel?" Then he got another brain wave. "What about a hot air balloon? I can float to China in the air!"
Then he discovered a problem with his ingenious plan. "But I don't even know where China is. And besides, wherever I land, they'll find me and burn me at the stake." Hector sighed, but continued thinking. "If I made a self-sustaining hot air ballon, then I'd never have to come down! Hector ol' boy," he smiled, "You're on to something!" then he grabbed the Reese's Cups bowl and strode out of the room.
THERE'S NO WRONG WAY TO EAT A REESE'S!!!
REVIEWERS-
ERMonkey, Queen of Insanity- I'm glad you liked my story! Here's the update. It took a while because I had to study for math finals! Grrrrrrr.
S-Drama-Queen-17- Sorry you had to wait. I loooooove writing in Lemony Snicket's style! It's soooo cool. Oh yeah, tofu Reese's Cups. Hee hee. One of my other reviewers, Leigh A. Sumpter, is allergic to peanuts so she can't have Reese's cups. I told her it's too bad they don't make tofu Reese's Cups. I liked doing Carmelita because she's such a brat!
Leigh A. Sumpter- Market tofu Reese's Cups? Hmmmmm. Not a bad idea! Instead of lemonade this summer, I could sell tofu Reese's Cups outside my house. I'm sure I'd have a long line that went all the way down my street! My slogan could be "The fat-free candy that never melts in your hand! Sure it's a bit squishy, but it's made of all-natural ingredients!"
KittyWillow- Wow! Only 300 students? We have 242 in just my grade! We don't have any Jamies, which is a pity since it's such a nice name. The most popular names are Amanda and Alex. My full name is Emily Louise [CONFIDENTIAL]. I'm sooooo happy! Tomorrow's my last day of SCHOOL! And it's just a half day where we sign yearbooks.
Smilies- You laugh like a dancing monkey? I laugh like a hiccuping penguin. (in my world, penguins can hiccup. So can pigs) I'm glad you liked Carmelita's obsession with being a queen. Yeah! Good choice with how to spend youR dollar bill! We went to a lake today, and the weather was perfect. It was rainy, windy, and FREEZING! But at least the water was warm in comparison.
Coffee Luv and MORT- Yeah! Mort thought of an idea! In honor of this rare occasion, I will most definitly do Madam Lulu and the Snow Scouts. But not yet. You have to wait a little bit. Muahahahhhaha.
Opal- Glad you liked my story. Thanks for reviewin'! I love feedback, especially when it's positive!
Violet Baudelaire- I got Izzy's review. Do you have an account on fanfiction? WHAT!!! I have to wait 3 MONTHS for the next book to come out??!! I can't wait that long! I'm going to diiiiiiieeeeeeee.
Isadora Baudelaire- Glad you liked my story. Do you and Violet go to the same school? Do you have a fanfiction account? I'll update as soon as I can. Thanks goodness school's almost out! Just one more measley half a day!
o0wallpaper0o- Last year? You mean last year of Middle School? Yuppers. I just graduated from eighth grade! Wee who! Happy. You probably get more breaks in the middle of the school year. How long are your school days? Ours are from 8 o'clock in the morning until 2:50 pm. Almost seven hours of thinking! I can hardly stand it!
chuckles-le-squish- Interesting pen name. How'd you every come up with it? I'm glad you liked the Olaf and Esme chapter. Esme is one of my favorite characters, next to Carmelita. I also loooooove Quigley! Yeah, everyone gets a craving for chocolatey-goodness when they read my stories. Sorry. Not my fault! I did warn you not to read this!
Visualpurple- No, MUSHROOMS hasn't reviewed any of mine (sniff, sniff) I WANT TO BE IN A V.F.D CLUB!!! YEAH!!!!! You're writing a story! I'm so proud! (starts to cry) You're growing up so fast! (just kidding) You must not try and contact me again, S. I wrote an article in the MLE times, and now O and E are after me! I'll meet you at the summer meeting spot. The Hooty-Hooty-Ha. Just don't have a heart attack getting there. Make sure you use your Veiled Facial Disguies. I'll be disguised as a Team Elijah member. We'll be safe there. Many of the couselors are members. J is there, but the campers don't suspect a thing. For some reason they think her name is Jay. Be sure to meet me there! When you meet me, say The World is Quiet here, so I'll know it's not someone else disguised as you.
Sinthilian- Glad you liked my story. Yes, reading it makes me hungry too. Where'd you get your pen name?
Sweetie880- Thanks for reviewing! Do you have a fanfiction account? If so, tell me so I can read some of your stories.
PrincessEilonwy- Glad you liked it. Yeah, poor Phil. I always felt sorry for him. Carmelita was soooooo much fun to do. She's so annoying and bratty. I'm glad to say I haven't ever had a math teacher like Mrs. Bass. My algebra teacher this year did think that math was 'beautiful', but she was really fun anyway.
REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!!!