THE INCREDIBLE SHRINK 'N' WITCH
CHAPTER 4 Thirty Seconds Over Frasier
Zelda, who understandably now found it impossible to sleep, looked at the now-accurate alarm clock across the bedroom and saw the time was nearly 6 a.m. Judging from the clock's gold alarm hand, Frasier was set to awake at 6:30. There isn't much time, she thought. Where are you, Hilda?
She got her answer within seconds when a two-inch-tall Hilda, holding a contraption in her hands, materialized on the small bedside table next to her. "I'd have been here earlier, but we're having a November snow and Sabrina's school opened an hour late," her pixie-sized sister explained. "Just sent her off. It's now 9 a.m. back east, you know. Boy, does he snore."
"Good," Zelda hurriedly said, ignoring her comment about Frasier. "Any hassles obtaining the device?"
"Nope...they said it would be a good dry run for Y2K. However, a day's rental will set you back $100."
"No problem with that. Now did they explain how it works to you?"
Hilda nodded. "Yes. Once it's set up, you can see 30 seconds into the future." She paused. "But will that give the world enough time to repair things if Y2K disaster strikes?"
"We're hoping to extend it up to a few minutes by New Year's Eve, but this will do for now." Zelda looked down at Hilda. "We have other things to worry about. You know the procedure we ran through."
"Yes," Hilda said, gulping. "I get into Frasier's mind, set up the device, see 30 seconds ahead and prevent his newfound magic from causing havoc. But how are you and I going to communicate?"
"The machine can also transmit and receive psychic frequencies, something even mortals have," Zelda said, suddenly recalling her encounter with Daphne. "We'll keep in touch that way."
"Psychic frequencies?" Hilda replied. "Wasn't that a phrase in a Blondie song?"
"All right, then, let's go," Zelda said. "Wait! You're too big to get into Frasier. Step onto my hand and make yourself smaller, down to about a thirtieth of an inch or so."
Hilda slid into Zelda's left palm. "Oh, the things I do for you!" she said. "I don't see why you couldn't do this."
"Two good reasons. One, I'm supposed to be here in Seattle for the convention, and two, I couldn't survive inside Frasier now that I'm mortal! Would you please shrink!"
Hilda acceded to her sister's pleading, and shrank to one-sixtieth of her already tiny size. "Hold on tight," Zelda whispered, carefully picking her sister up between the thumb and forefinger of her right hand, then yawned, deliberately having her hand softly hit Frasier's nose and depositing Hilda into his left nostril. He apparently was a heavy sleeper, because he didn't notice a thing.
So far, so good, Hilda psychically told Zelda. It's like I'm in "Fantastic Voyage" or "Honey, I Shrunk The Witch." She also remembered Sabrina had been in a similar situation not long ago, when she and Salem accidentally wound up inside the brain of her high school arch-rival, the obnoxious cheerleader Libby.
Great to see this working, Zelda telepathically replied. Oh, by the way, you are hereby forbidden to enter Frasier's memory to get details of last night's encounter.
Dang – can't a gal have a little entertainment?
Focus, Hilda, focus.
I'm sorry, Zelly.
Now get into his brain and set yourself up before he wakes! Zelda fell back onto her pillow and reflected on the past night's events. Frasier had indeed a wonderful, generous lover, but in her current predicament he could have been a Rudolph Valentino sheik character and she wouldn't have cared.
That good, huh? Hilda telepathically told her older sister.
The alarm rang at 6:30, and Frasier arose from his bed, turning to see Zelda beside him, sleeping soundly. He felt relaxed, in control, almost rejuvenated, as he put on a bathrobe, opened the closet and tossed another robe atop Zelda's blanket.
Very gentlemanly, Hilda mused as she looked over the controls from the recesses of Frasier's brain. Now what do I need to do next? Of course -- wake up Zelly!
Within seconds, Zelda's psyche was jolted by a "Reveille" bugle call, as if she were in the Army during World War I. Hilda!!! she telepathically screamed.
He's up, sis. You've got to as well, just to keep tabs on him.
Zelda nodded. Oh, I guess you're right.
He's entering the bathroom. To shower, I hope.
Zelda understood her sister's queasiness. For the sake of propriety, cast a spell to hold his, uh, other functions for 24 hours. And while he's showering, try to keep his thoughts pure.
Easy way to do that, Hilda replied. I'll lower the water temperature some 10 degrees.
Meanwhile, I'm going to make myself some breakfast.
Clad in Frasier's maroon bathrobe that was considerably too big for her slender frame, Zelda slowly entered the kitchen – only to find Martin and Daphne already there.
"Well, it looks like Dr. Crane had an extra house guest last night," Daphne wryly commented.
Zelda sensed the uncomfortable situation. "I'm really sorry about all this," she said.
"No need to apologize!" Martin said, pulling out a chair for her. "We like having you around, especially compared to Frasier's other 'Morning After' ladies."
"That's true," Daphne added.
"I'm glad you feel that way," Zelda said as she sat down, relieved at their hospitality. But would they feel similarly by the end of the day if Frasier somehow magically ran amok?
Meanwhile, Eddie entered the kitchen and saw Zelda, but this time, his reaction to her was significantly different. Rather than shy away from her, he leapt onto her lap, climbed up her upper torso and licked her face.
"Look," Martin said to Daphne as she prepared to hand Zelda a cup of coffee, "even Eddie is warming up to her."
In the shower, Frasier was frustrated with the cold water temperature. Hilda checked the device's "30 seconds later" screen, and saw a maintenance man's neck being wrung by a pair of invisible hands. Uh-oh, she thought, I can't let Frasier think that.
She hurriedly tried to think of something that would settle him down, then recalled her visit to Shenandoah National Park that summer. Sure, the mountains in Virginia were paltry compared to those out west, but the thoughts would nonetheless be soothing.
Suddenly, Frasier was thinking of mountain vistas from back east, and a journey along Skyline Drive he had taken many years ago in conjunction with a trip to Washington, D.C. Ah, those were good times, he thought – and suddenly the coolness of the shower water didn't bother him.
I think I've got this down, Hilda telepathically told her sister. How many more national parks are there?
Once out of the shower, Frasier dressed, selecting some navy slacks and matching suit, and strolled into the kitchen. "I see Miss Spellman has made her presence known," he told his father and Daphne, then turned to Zelda, just as Eddie scurried off her lap and out of the room. "Would you like to share breakfast on the balcony?"
"I would be honored," she replied, only wishing to keep sight of him. "But first give me a minute to change back into my old clothes."
"I know Eddie isn't all that fond of you, Fras," Martin said, "but I've never seen him scamper like that." Maybe Eddie knows Frasier's now magical and I'm not, Zelda thought as she walked to Frasier's bedroom.
The second Zelda entered, she heard Daphne say, "Good morning, Dr. Crane. Is there – something different about you today?"
As the door shut behind Zelda, Frasier replied, "No. In fact, I frankly feel better than ever, as if all the powers of life were within my command."
Daphne's comment nonetheless set off (figurative) alarms in Zelda's head. Suppose Daphne is indeed a witch hunter and somehow today discovers Frasier has magical powers? What will happen to him? What would happen to me?
I feel your pain, Zelly, Hilda telepathically shot back. I'll check out the legal ramifications of this. She instantaneously zapped the host of the popular Other Realm radio series "Looking At Witch Law" into a seat beside her.
"Where am I?" said the show's erudite, bespectacled attorney host.
"That's not important right now," Hilda replied. "I have a, uh, hypothetical question. If a witch violates the midnight rule and the mortal who acquires the powers for the day is discovered by a witch hunter, who gets turned into a mouse for 100 years?"
The host nodded. "There was such a case in Cumberland, Maryland, in 1929, and the Witches' Council decreed that both witch and mortal would be turned into mice for 100 years," he said. "The witch was paroled for good behavior and restored to witchhood in 1993."
"And what about the mortal?"
"He survived as a mouse for two weeks before being eaten."
"Thanks for answering my question," Hilda said, zapping the host back to the Other Realm before gulping.
Not good, Zelda telepathically told her sister. His life may be in peril, and all because of me.
Does Eddie play with rodents?, Hilda replied.
"So, what seminars are you attending today?" Frasier asked Zelda over a croissant on the balcony.
"I've decided to pass them up and spend the day with you, if you don't mind," she replied.
Zelly, what about the convention? Hilda asked. I know you had your heart set on going. And you realize the signals you're sending him.
It's not as if I have much of a choice.
"The entire day, eh? So you wish to see Frasier Crane at work." Frasier was flattered that she seemed truly interested in him. "Ever been inside a radio station before?"
"Not for a while," Zelda replied, which was true. Fascinated by mortal technology, she had briefly worked at a radio station during the medium's infancy in the 1920s.
"Well, as long as you keep your hands to yourself and don't touch any of the equipment, you'll be fine."
Inside his brain, Hilda saw an image of a radio station transmitter, with a sign on a nearby shack reading "KACL, 500,000 Watts," and it was obvious that at least one of the zeroes had just been installed. He can't boost the station's power like that, she thought. That violates FCC guidelines, even with deregulation!
So it was back to thoughts of national parks, this time Acadia in Maine. Oh, how relaxing.
"It's funny," he said, "but I was just thinking about Acadia National Park and the beauty of Maine."
"Maybe it's because I'm from New England," she said with a sly smile. So far, it's working, she psychically told Hilda. "By the way, before we go to the station, can I go to my hotel room? I really should change into a new dress."
Are you sure you know what you're doing? Hilda said.
Do you like wearing the same clothes two days in a row?
Touche, Zelly, touche.
"Sure," Frasier replied, "as long as we don't spend too much time there. I have to be at the station by 11:30 to begin preparing my show." He checked his watch; it was 9:15.
"Then, let's go."
In her hotel room, Zelda held two dresses before Frasier. "Which do you like better, the purple or the gold?" she asked.
Frasier smiled. "The gold dress is gorgeous, but the purple would look simply magnificent on you," he said. "If you don't mind, I prefer the purple."
"Then purple is what you'll get. Now turn around while I change."
"It's not as if I'd see things I hadn't before," Frasier replied in mock protest.
"And I thought you were a gentleman."
He softly laughed and turned away as Zelda slipped off her old clothes, changed into new undergarments and stepped into the short, form-fitting purple dress Frasier liked so much. Anything with his mind I should know about, Hildy?
Nothing you couldn't guess already, sis.
Zelda smiled, and once fully in her dress she told Frasier, "You can not only turn around now, but you can zip me up in back." Normally she would zap the zipper herself, but even if she had possessed her usual magic, she would have given Frasier the honor.
"The dress looked great before," Frasier said while zipping her, "but with you in it, it looks absolutely dazzling." He whirled her around, then gently kissed her, as Zelda sighed.
I can see why you fell, Zelly, her sister psychically said. What a romantic! Once we get this magic stuff all straightened out, I think you two would make a great pair.
We'll discuss that later, okay?
"Now that you're so lavishly dressed, it's off to KACL," Frasier said, "but I do feel the need to make a stop along the way at a place I understand you patronized yesterday, a certain Café Nervosa."
"Fine with me," Zelda replied, reminding herself to this time order something considerably more adventurous than a vanilla latte.
They entered the café, and Zelda asked Frasier to recommend a selection. "Try the Trans-Atlantic, a truly enticing new blend of beans from Kenya and Colombia, both mellow and aromatic," he said. "Add a little ginger or cinnamon, and you have bliss in a cup."
"You should have gone into advertising," Zelda quipped as Frasier noticed Niles, sitting at his usual table.
"It's ten-thirty. Shouldn't you be at your practice?" Frasier asked his younger brother as he and Zelda took their seats.
"My scheduled appointment called to cancel, though from the tropical birds I heard in the background I seriously doubt she was ill with the flu," Niles replied matter-of-factly. "I see you brought your date, whom I'm sure you've heard by now, I met yesterday."
"Very good to see you again," Zelda said with a smile.
That's his brother, and he's a doctor, too? Hilda asked admiringly. A bit on the prissy side, but I can handle that. Once this is all rectified, how about a double date?
Not now, sis, not now.
Gee, don't be a spoilsport.
"Zelda and I went to the chamber music concert last night, and had a wonderful time," Frasier said. "What have you been up to?"
"Funny you mention that. Last night I was at the record store and, on a lark, was thumbing through the budget bins of the classical section when I came across a CD of 'Eine Kleine Nachtmusik,' conducted by Bruno Walter with the Columbia Symphony Orchestra. I bought it, listened to it when I got home, and it was just as thrilling as it was when I heard it in my youth. My one regret is that it's in mono."
"It was very good," Frasier retorted, "but nowhere as exhilarating as 'Eine Kleine Nachtmusik' as performed by Eugene Ormandy and the Philadelphia Orchestra. Now, that was a sound."
Niles shook his head. "Frasier, you know I like Ormandy a lot, but frankly that wasn't one of the Philadelphia's better performances. Walter's version cuts his to ribbons."
Zelda watched the brothers go at it over Mozart, which amused her since she had actually seen Wolfgang Amadeus conduct the piece back in 1788. If she could only tell them...
Zelly, Zelly! Hilda telepathically screamed. I see Niles with a donkey head in 30 seconds, and it's not a pretty sight. Do something quick!
Okay, but you do your part, too. "Frasier, Niles, I've heard both and think they're equally sublime," she told the brothers. "So was an arrangement by the Boston Symphony at Tanglewood some years back."
"Tanglewood – what a magnificent setting," Frasier replied, "almost the classical equivalent of Yellowstone. Which is where I may take my summer vacation next year, like we did when the family took the RV a few years back. Ah, to feel the sprinkles from the geysers caressing my face again."
You came through, Zelda told her sister.
Hey, it's what I do.
They chatted for a few minutes more, and then Frasier noted he had to leave. As the brothers and Zelda stood on the sidewalk outside the café exchanging pleasantries, Hilda noticed a bizarre vision on her 30-second screen...a woman nearly twice the size of Frasier and Niles, with shapely legs more than four feet long. While her face was not visible on screen, the purple mini-dress made it obvious the maxi-gal was Zelda.
Zelly, did one of those cookies you had read 'EAT ME'? Because I suddenly see you as a giant!
Me -- a giant? Zelda wondered, then remembered Niles' comment from yesterday about Frasier calling her larger-than-life. I think he's going to say that in his eyes, I'm ten feet tall. Park mode, and quick!
"Yes, I'm truly enamored with Zelda," Frasier told his brother, "and in – time, I may take her to see the wonderful, incomparable sights of Yosemite."
"I'd love that," Zelda said with relief. In the nick of time, Hildy.
And be thankful he didn't say that while inside. There were ceiling fans!
Zelda sighed. I can't recall the last time I didn't want to hear a compliment from a man.
"It's off to the station," Frasier told his brother. "She's going to watch my show while in the studio."
"Genius at work," Niles said to Zelda with a grin, "or so he thinks."