12. I'll Never Have A Normal Life
I knew that we weren't going to get to Bevelle tonight due to the inclement weather that Spira was having and also the fact that it was late, so I decided to lie down for a little bit in the cabin. Tidus did the same, and held me tightly in his arms. I could feel his warm breath on the back of my neck as he slept, and I finally felt calm. However, I wasn't in the mood to sleep. I was in the mood to just lie there and hear the rain hit the windows of the Celsius. I could also hear Barkeep washing dishes and putting them away. It was amazing how past memories of this ship were finally come back to me. I forgot how many nights I would lie here and fall asleep to Brother and Rikku arguing in the hallway. I actually chuckled to myself at the thought of that.
However, as much as I missed having a lot of time on the Celsius, I wouldn't want to go back to that time. I mean, now I have Tidus back with me, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in Spira besides in his arms. I slowly scooted out of his arms and rolled around so I was facing him. I propped my head up on my hand and watched him. The way he slept, he almost looked like a little boy. He moved one arm underneath his pillow and the other he wrapped around the blankets. With my hand, I moved a tendril of hair out of his face. I was amused when a small, slight smile crossed his lips. I then wondered if Lenne used to look at Shuyin like this. I'm imagining that she would've due to the fact that this is what lovers do, right? I leaned down and lightly kissed him on his lips. He softly sighed in his sleep and my smile widened. How did I live without him for two years? I couldn't fathom life without him again. He makes me so happy, so complete. I would never be able to go on without him by my side.
I wasn't sure how long I was looking at him before I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. I didn't have to turn around to know that it was Rikku practically skipping her way over to me.
"Awww, he looks so cute!" She squealed quietly as she sat down next to me. She then reached into her pocket and pulled out a camera. "I thought that you would be sleeping too, so I was going to take a picture!"
"You're such a dork," I said with a giggle. I didn't want to wake up Tidus, so Rikku and I got off the bed and moved over to where the couches were on the left side of the cabin. "So, what's up?"
"I wanted to know what you saw in the Farplane. You've been kind of preoccupied about something ever since we left Guadosalam." I didn't have to ask her to know that everyone else put her up to this. Rikku was practically my sister, and she was the only one who could get any kind of information out of me.
"I saw the fayth that used to reside in Bevelle," I said simply. She motioned me to continue, and I told her everything that the fayth said. As I was done talking, I sighed.
"Okay, so there are a few fiends in Bevelle, that's nothing to be worried about, Yunie," she said cheerfully. "But that's not what's bothering you, I know you too well."
"I just want to know what is going to happen with Lenne and Shuyin. I keep having like..." I moved my hands around because I couldn't find the right words to describe it, "flashbacks of their lives."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you remember when I feel in that hole in Djose right? When I was in the Farplane and I saw Shuyin?" Rikku nodded and I continued. "Well, earlier today when you and Gippal walked in on Tidus and I, I had that same memory. The way he touched me, the way he held me in his arms..."
"Oh, wow," Rikku said as she put her hands on her knees.
"The funny thing though, is how he looked at me afterward. It was like, he knew why I freaked out. I know it sounds really messed up, but I can't think of a better way to describe it." I sighed as I looked over at my sleeping love again.
"Do you think it has anything to do with Shuyin and Lenne not being in the Farplane again?" I perked up as she said that. She looked around for an answer to why I sat up like that. "What is it?"
"No, what you just said," I said as I put my hand to my forehead. "Oh!!!"
"What is it, Yunie?!?" Rikku said impatiently as I stood up and started to pace. Pacing helped my thought process lately.
"Remember when we were in Guadosalam on my pilgrimage?" Rikku nodded and I continued. "Well, as we were leaving the Farplane, Lord Jyscal tried escaping. If I wouldn't have sent him then and there, he probably would be roaming the earth, hating the living."
"Oh! I get it!" Rikku said as she stood up. "Wait...no I don't."
"Okay, well, here's the thing." I said as I walked over to her. "I'm thinking that even though Shuyin and Lenne burst into pyreflies and looked like they were going to the Farplane, they might've gone there but escaped because they weren't technically 'sent.'"
"So does that mean that's what has happened to all the people who have died?" Rikku said as I nodded. "Oh, so they went to the Farplane, but they weren't able to stay there? Kind of like a vacation?"
"Sorta, but not the vacation part really," I said at her analogy. She was trying to help though, so I had to give her credit. I walked over to the windows in the cabin and looked at the storm brewing outside. "Damn, it looks like we're in the middle of the Thunder Plains right about now."
"Yeah, funny weather, huh?" Rikku said as I nodded.
"As soon as it stops we need to make our way to Bevelle. I'm really worried about Baralai and Paine," I said as a shiver went through my spine.
"I'm worried about them too, but I don't think they'd have trouble handling a few fiends."
"We're not talking about a couple fiends, Rikku," I said with a sigh. "We're talking about everyone who has died within the last two years."
"Well, how are we going to send them back to the Farplane?" Rikku asked me with a concerned look on her face. "There aren't any summoners now. Basically they all retired when you squished Yu Yevon with your shoe."
"Somehow we have to convince people to become summoners again to perform the sending dance," I trailed off at the memory of performing sending dances. When I danced the first time in Kilika, I cried during it. I knew that I was doing something good for Spira, but I felt awful at the same time. Even though all those people on the dock didn't want to see their family members become fiends, they were never going to see their loved ones again. Sending after sending, it never got easier. Although I still remember how to perform a sending, I'm not so sure I would ever want to do one again. By the way that Rikku looked at me, I know she was silently asking me if I would still do it. I shook her head at her. "No, I don't think I could."
"Was it that hard to do?" She asked quietly as I continued to relive the memory.
"It's not like it was hard to do. I mean, the concentration level and everything was intense, but I just don't think I could do that anymore." Having the title 'High Summoner' would expect me to the first person to jump on the bandwagon to become a summoner again. What would I do? Fly all over Spira to a city where someone dies just so I could perform the sending? Not to mention that I turned my back on Yevon two years ago. How could I teach people to perform an act of Yevon when I was so against it in the first place? I sighed at my internal conflict and I looked over at Tidus.
"Rikku," I heard Brother yell from the bottom portion of the Cabin. "Did you crack her yet?"
"I can hear you, Brother," I said with a chuckle. I heard Tidus softly moan as he was waking up. "And you just woke up Tidus. Good job!"
"Brother, I hate you!" Tidus said jokingly as he threw a pillow from the bed over the balcony in hopes of hitting Brother. He missed by about twenty feet, so Brother only laughed at Tidus.
"You throw like a woman, Tidus!" Brother jeered as Tidus sat up in the bed. Rikku and I could only laugh at the two guys acting like five year olds, antagonizing each other like that. "Anyway...Yuna! We're going to leave Guadosalam now, bad weather or not! Report to the bridge, everyone!"
"All right," I said as he walked off the bridge. Rikku hopped down the ledge from the top of the cabin to the bottom to follow Brother, and Tidus yawned, stretched, and rubbed his head to calm his bed hair. I sighed as I got back to thinking; would becoming a summoner again mean leaving Tidus? I knew that I couldn't date Tidus when I was on my pilgrimage because I didn't want to get too attached to him and then die. I couldn't do that to anyone. Moving all around Spira wouldn't be fair to Tidus. Heh, not to mention, trying to do the summoning dance pregnant? Being a summoner automatically translates to not being able to have a normal life. All I want is a normal life, but now I'm starting to feel that my dream will never come true....