a/n: and so here we are, once again. If you're reading this, then you decided that the intro was good enough to give an actual chapter a chance. Either that or you're very, very bored. Either way. this story is based off of a dream that I've been having over and over for the past 4 years or so. I just decided to tweak it so that it fits into the IZ universe...even if it is an alternate IZ universe...

so yeah.

Oh, and the title is almost, but not quite, from my favorite Radio head song, "fake plastic trees". I say almost cos the line isn't actually in the song, but it goes along the same gist.

And I was in the turkey the whole time.

Disclaimer: I own Nyquil. And my flu. That's about it right now.

PART ONE

"Dib? Dib, you awake?"

I groaned and pulled the covers over my head, trying to block out the voice that was so rudely attempting to pull me from my dreams. My dreams and I were getting along rather well, that night—something that didn't occur too often—and I wanted it to stay that way. I felt a hand tugging at the blankets.

"Dib, I know you're up." There was a pressure on the bed as my sister climbed onto it. She crawled so that she was lying on my back, her face pressed up against the covers where the side of my head was. She was awfully heavy for a 5 year old.

"Diiib." Her voice vibrated the blanket against my ear. It tickled, so I rolled over onto my side, making her move off of me into the space by the wall, and removing the blanket from my head.

"Yes, Gaz, what is it?"

Her little eyebrows came together in a frown, and she looked down at her hands. "Mommy's crying in the bathroom again. I think she's sick. She wouldn't answer the door. I can't sleep in my room: the noise comes through the vent." She looked up, giving me puppy eyes, "Can I sleep in here with you?"

I sighed and pulled the covers back so that she could crawl in as a silent affirmative. She grinned and snuggled into me, her head tucked under my chin so that little stray strands of her violet hair tickled my nose. I smoothed them down, and then wrapped my arms around her as her breathing slowed and became more rhythmic.

I didn't close my eyes for a long time. I couldn't stop thinking about Gaz hearing our mother crying in the bathroom. This was the third time this week that my sister had come in asking to sleep with me because our mother's nightly habit had upset her. I was terribly worried. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen our mother smile so that it reached her eyes. She broke into tears over the smallest things—often for no reason at all, and whenever Gaz or I tried to comfort her or ask what was wrong, she would just smile weakly and say it was nothing. It was just something that happened to mommies sometimes.

And Gaz and I would accept it, even though neither of us had ever seen any of our friend's mothers cry.

"Commander, there's someone here to see you, Sir."

I looked towards the door way, startled out of my thoughts by the voice of, Kala, my second in command. We had abandoned our headquarters in the sewers months ago to take up residence in the old elementary skool. The part of the city that surrounded it had been mostly turned to rubble by Irken lasers during the first attack. It was then left to rot as the invaders set up camp in more lucrative areas of town. As a private joke to myself, I set myself up in the principal's office. It was nice to be behind the desk, for once, instead of in front of it, which was how I spent most of my time in school.

"Who is it, Kala?"

She rubbed the back of her head in a gesture I had really only seen in Japanese cartoons before I met her. Most of the petite brunette's gestures imitated those seen in anime. Before the war she had been one of those annoying fan girl types who were always throwing random Japanese words such as 'kawii' and 'baka' into her speech, and giving little peace signs. If she didn't have such a keen mind for battle strategy, I would have kicked her out long ago. But as it were, she was my closest and most trusted friend.

"It's a robot, Sir."

"A robot?" I could feel my eyes grow wide.

"Yes, sir. A SIR unit from the looks of it...err...him. He isn't like the others, though, sir. His eyes are blue."

I stood and leaped over my desk, almost knocking Kala over as I rushed out the door and down the hall. I skidded to a stop when I saw the crowd forming around the small grey robot. His eyes were wide and filled with confusion and tears as he looked from one unfamiliar face to another.

"I need to see my master! Where's my master?! Master Dib, where are you?! And where's my piggy? They stole my piggy!" the SIR unit began to full out bawl at this point. I pushed my way through the crowd.

"Gir!" I kneeled down in front of the little bot, a genuine smile on my face for the first time in almost a month. He stopped crying immediately and his teal eyes lit up as he jumped and attached himself to my head.

"Master, there you are! I made you a muffin!" He pulled one out of his head and held it under my nose as proof.

"That's very nice, Gir." I replied, prying him from my head and setting him on the ground. He shoved 'my' muffin into his mouth, grinning around the crumbs. I sighed and shook my head. I had tried many times to program all of Gir's...eccentricities...out of him, but never with any success. His insanity seemed to be engrained into his very being. I had found the SIR unit shortly after the first battle lying in pieces within the rubble of Zim's old headquarters. He had set the base to self destruct after he was beamed aboard the Massive, and it seemed that he had forgotten that Gir was still inside. I put him back together and programmed him to suit my own needs. He was better at reconnaissance than one would think. He was also the only one on our side to see what happened to Gaz first hand. I knew--i had watched the video of his memory disk, but he had stood there and watched. After that he just wasn't the same. He was prone to more violent and emotional outbursts than pure insanity. His childlikeness was forever damaged--though he still couldn't resist a chance to play with a rubber piggy.

I stood and looked down at the small robot. "Lieutenant Gir, did you retrieve the information that I requested?"

Gir's eyes turned red, and he saluted, going into battle mode. "Yes, Sir! Location of nearest Irken outpost recorded, Sir!"

I smiled. "Good." I looked at the crowd that was still gathered until I saw the person I was looking for. "Gretchen?"

She purple haired young woman blushed a little and saluted, "Yes, Dib—Sir?"

"Take Gir down to the computer lab and download his memory chip into the system. See if you can make sense of his readings. I warn you: they may be a little...erratic."

"Yes, Sir." She smiled and reached out her hand to the little unit who had gone back into blue mode and was making two rubber pigs bump into each other. He noticed her and took her hand like a child, allowing her to lead him down the hall.

that's where I'm gonna end this one. Mainly cos it's almost 5am and I should prolly be resting instead of staring at this computer screen. So tell me what you think! next chapter will prolly be w/in the next two days, or so...but more than likely tomorrow nite, based on my insomnia lately.

Toodles!