"Honestly, Kurt, I don't see what the big decision here is. It's not like
arguing for mutants makes you a mutant."
"Scott is, like, so totally right. You're working yourself up, like, way too much over this. Just, like, get up and, like, say a few words and get off stage. It's going to be, like, a dumb jock show anyway."
"Doesn't have to be..." Kurt muttered. He was currently sitting on the wall in a not-quite-impossible position worrying at his tail. Said tail hadn't stopped moving in nearly an hour, being much more vocal than its owner. Kurt hadn't been saying much of anything. He was deep in thought, letting Kitty and Scott "reassure" him. Crystal's words about community and doing it right kept spinning through his head.
And he was hungry.
"Kurt may be getting too worked up, but you two are taking this decision much too lightly." The occupants of the room—Scott, Kitty, Kurt and Professor X—looked stunned at Rogue. She hadn't been talking much either and, by his expression, Kurt had forgotten his sister was present.
Scott sighed and reached under his red shades to rub at the bridge of his nose. "What do you mean Rogue?" He didn't sound like he really wanted to know.
The Goth glared at him for half a second before looking at Kurt. "Ah just mean, what with the 'Bayville Demon' rumors floating around, if Kurt doesn't want to be found, he should do everything he can not to be found. You know Duncan and them are all suspicious anyway. And he might very well be arrested for stuff he didn't do! If Kurt goes up there and argues for mutant rights, they're just goin' to hound him worse. 'sides, he doesn't have to do a good job arguing against mutant rights."
Ja, I wish, Kurt thought silently. Mein Englisch teacher might have something to say about that... He sighed. "Professor?"
"Do what you think is right, Kurt." The room turned as one in amazement to stare at Xavier now and Kurt sighed.
"Look, Kurt," Kitty started.
"Please, Katzchen? No more?" He shook his head. He knew how they felt about his hiding. Each and every one of them. But they didn't understand.... "I'm...I'm going to go think about this a bit." Before anyone could protest, Kurt 'ported out of sight, leaving only sulfur.
Scott shook his head. "I don't get it...I just don't..." He left the room and Kitty started after him, pausing just long enough to stare liquid hot death at Rogue. The southern teen sighed and looked at Xavier.
"Ah don't like him hiding either. Ah mean we're all out there and it's not so bad...but Ah know. Ah've seen some of his nightmares, since Ah touched him." She tapped her temple almost unconsciously. "He tries to hide them, but Ah see sometimes..." Shaking her head, Rogue left the room.
Xavier turned his wheelchair slightly and just stared into the fire.
A slight breeze flittered over the green blades of relatively short grass that made up the clearing that was his church. The trees swayed, forming their protective barrier, shielding him from prying eyes and wandering souls. The blue expanse above, the Kingdom wherein lay his faith, his hope, stretched lazily through the afternoon, absently mindful of his dilemma.
It was beautiful. Serene. Comforting. And Kurt didn't see a bit of it.
He shifted, uncomfortable on his usual perch. Cold radiated off the rock, clad by shade and seeping into the soles of his feet. Contradiction. The memory of flame, singing fur. Unbearable heat. The screams...the calls for blood...
Kurt shivered. Here, in this holy place, he could deal with his memories and not succumb to fear. But it was difficult, unpleasant. He pulled himself back to his current predicament, keeping the memories on the tip of his being.
"It's too complicated," Kurt murmured to Him. "I need to sort it out." He took a steadying breath and started from the beginning. "I'm scared," he confessed. "I know it's different here. I know this is America and I think they don't burn people but...there are other things. A lot of other things they can do. It could be Winzledorf all over again. It could..." He bit back tears. He had to stay focused.
"Okay...there are my friends. I should stick up for them. I mean, they're all hurt that I haven't 'revealed' myself. I know they are! And I don't want them to hate me..." He glanced skyward. "I need them...okay, one reason to risk it.
"Risk what, exactly? Risk discovery. Okay, that's simple enough. If I argue for mutant rights, I risk investigation and discovery. And the repercussions from the 'Bayville Demon' thing. Verdammt. That's bad. If I'm blamed for everything—which I will be—then people are going to immediately think I'm a demon and run screaming. It's inevitable. No way to talk out of that one...
"And what of the dream? If I'm 'revealed', won't that make it harder for everyone else? Won't people think worse of the Institute for protecting a monster? It will make everything harder on Herr Professor and all my friends...and I...I'll be permanently a freak...as if I wasn't to begin with..."
Kurt curled up into a ball, rocking back and forth with the thought of losing his only semblance of normalcy. He could never go back from a thing like that...
"Sounds like you've made up yer mind, elf."
Kurt looked up, not entirely surprised. Logan stood there as if he had always been, looking as though talking to yourself—or God—was the most natural thing in the world. "Have I?"
"I dunno. Seems pretty cut-and-dry to me."
Kurt blinked. "It does?"
Logan tipped an unlit cigar at him. "Survival."
Kurt bristled. "But at what cost? Continued ignorance?"
Logan didn't say anything. He just stood there, a half-smile ghosting across his harsh features.
Kurt made a strangled sound and buried his face in his fuzzy hands. "You're not helping." It was all he could do to keep the words from being a growl. "If I argue against, I'll hate myself. They'll hate me and I'll deserve it! And yet..."
The half-smile had vanished. "If that's how you see it...go with the lesser of two evils."
"But—" Kurt looked up. Logan was gone. "Lesser of two evils..." He sighed. "Forgive me Father...and, please, let them forgive me as well. I try...I..." He broke off, wondering how he could truly ask for forgiveness if he couldn't see a way to grant it himself.
"You're doing what?"
"You heard me, Liebe."
"I heard it. Doesn't mean I believe it."
Kurt sighed for about the millionth time that day. Amanda had taken the news just as he had suspected she would, which was...unfortunate. "Look, I've been thinking about this all day. I've been arguing about it all day." Mostly with myself. "And I've made up my mind."
"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe in and damn the consequences!"
"Like you stood up to your parents?"
Dead silence.
Then—"I'm here, aren't I?"
Kurt looked at Amanda, gazing into her eyes. She was so beautiful. His love. He hated to hurt her; he hated the pain in her expression. But she didn't understand...surely if...
"Liebe...Amanda," he said softly, but firmly. "Ja, you are here. You are and I love you for it. But you must see...you're here in secret. You're here because your parents either don't know or don't want to suspect...but nothing has changed! I'm still a mutant freak" She winced. "to them. Tell me, truthfully. Have you tried to just talk to them? Have you done more than simply get angry?"
She had found something immensely interesting to study on the ground. Finally, she whispered, "No." A moment and then—"But I will. I haven't yet, but I will."
He shook his head and gave a small smile. "Warum? Why haven't you?" She looked up, confused. "You haven't, Liebe, because it won't help. Nein, don't argue! It won't. At least, not now. There are some things that are best left alone. That—and this—is one of them. It's not worth it."
She was crying now. A tear, maybe two, rolled down her dark cheeks, past the angry curve of her mouth. Kurt couldn't breathe. He couldn't stand it when girls cried. He reached for her, to squeeze her hand, touch her soft skin...
That was when she left.
"Scott is, like, so totally right. You're working yourself up, like, way too much over this. Just, like, get up and, like, say a few words and get off stage. It's going to be, like, a dumb jock show anyway."
"Doesn't have to be..." Kurt muttered. He was currently sitting on the wall in a not-quite-impossible position worrying at his tail. Said tail hadn't stopped moving in nearly an hour, being much more vocal than its owner. Kurt hadn't been saying much of anything. He was deep in thought, letting Kitty and Scott "reassure" him. Crystal's words about community and doing it right kept spinning through his head.
And he was hungry.
"Kurt may be getting too worked up, but you two are taking this decision much too lightly." The occupants of the room—Scott, Kitty, Kurt and Professor X—looked stunned at Rogue. She hadn't been talking much either and, by his expression, Kurt had forgotten his sister was present.
Scott sighed and reached under his red shades to rub at the bridge of his nose. "What do you mean Rogue?" He didn't sound like he really wanted to know.
The Goth glared at him for half a second before looking at Kurt. "Ah just mean, what with the 'Bayville Demon' rumors floating around, if Kurt doesn't want to be found, he should do everything he can not to be found. You know Duncan and them are all suspicious anyway. And he might very well be arrested for stuff he didn't do! If Kurt goes up there and argues for mutant rights, they're just goin' to hound him worse. 'sides, he doesn't have to do a good job arguing against mutant rights."
Ja, I wish, Kurt thought silently. Mein Englisch teacher might have something to say about that... He sighed. "Professor?"
"Do what you think is right, Kurt." The room turned as one in amazement to stare at Xavier now and Kurt sighed.
"Look, Kurt," Kitty started.
"Please, Katzchen? No more?" He shook his head. He knew how they felt about his hiding. Each and every one of them. But they didn't understand.... "I'm...I'm going to go think about this a bit." Before anyone could protest, Kurt 'ported out of sight, leaving only sulfur.
Scott shook his head. "I don't get it...I just don't..." He left the room and Kitty started after him, pausing just long enough to stare liquid hot death at Rogue. The southern teen sighed and looked at Xavier.
"Ah don't like him hiding either. Ah mean we're all out there and it's not so bad...but Ah know. Ah've seen some of his nightmares, since Ah touched him." She tapped her temple almost unconsciously. "He tries to hide them, but Ah see sometimes..." Shaking her head, Rogue left the room.
Xavier turned his wheelchair slightly and just stared into the fire.
A slight breeze flittered over the green blades of relatively short grass that made up the clearing that was his church. The trees swayed, forming their protective barrier, shielding him from prying eyes and wandering souls. The blue expanse above, the Kingdom wherein lay his faith, his hope, stretched lazily through the afternoon, absently mindful of his dilemma.
It was beautiful. Serene. Comforting. And Kurt didn't see a bit of it.
He shifted, uncomfortable on his usual perch. Cold radiated off the rock, clad by shade and seeping into the soles of his feet. Contradiction. The memory of flame, singing fur. Unbearable heat. The screams...the calls for blood...
Kurt shivered. Here, in this holy place, he could deal with his memories and not succumb to fear. But it was difficult, unpleasant. He pulled himself back to his current predicament, keeping the memories on the tip of his being.
"It's too complicated," Kurt murmured to Him. "I need to sort it out." He took a steadying breath and started from the beginning. "I'm scared," he confessed. "I know it's different here. I know this is America and I think they don't burn people but...there are other things. A lot of other things they can do. It could be Winzledorf all over again. It could..." He bit back tears. He had to stay focused.
"Okay...there are my friends. I should stick up for them. I mean, they're all hurt that I haven't 'revealed' myself. I know they are! And I don't want them to hate me..." He glanced skyward. "I need them...okay, one reason to risk it.
"Risk what, exactly? Risk discovery. Okay, that's simple enough. If I argue for mutant rights, I risk investigation and discovery. And the repercussions from the 'Bayville Demon' thing. Verdammt. That's bad. If I'm blamed for everything—which I will be—then people are going to immediately think I'm a demon and run screaming. It's inevitable. No way to talk out of that one...
"And what of the dream? If I'm 'revealed', won't that make it harder for everyone else? Won't people think worse of the Institute for protecting a monster? It will make everything harder on Herr Professor and all my friends...and I...I'll be permanently a freak...as if I wasn't to begin with..."
Kurt curled up into a ball, rocking back and forth with the thought of losing his only semblance of normalcy. He could never go back from a thing like that...
"Sounds like you've made up yer mind, elf."
Kurt looked up, not entirely surprised. Logan stood there as if he had always been, looking as though talking to yourself—or God—was the most natural thing in the world. "Have I?"
"I dunno. Seems pretty cut-and-dry to me."
Kurt blinked. "It does?"
Logan tipped an unlit cigar at him. "Survival."
Kurt bristled. "But at what cost? Continued ignorance?"
Logan didn't say anything. He just stood there, a half-smile ghosting across his harsh features.
Kurt made a strangled sound and buried his face in his fuzzy hands. "You're not helping." It was all he could do to keep the words from being a growl. "If I argue against, I'll hate myself. They'll hate me and I'll deserve it! And yet..."
The half-smile had vanished. "If that's how you see it...go with the lesser of two evils."
"But—" Kurt looked up. Logan was gone. "Lesser of two evils..." He sighed. "Forgive me Father...and, please, let them forgive me as well. I try...I..." He broke off, wondering how he could truly ask for forgiveness if he couldn't see a way to grant it himself.
"You're doing what?"
"You heard me, Liebe."
"I heard it. Doesn't mean I believe it."
Kurt sighed for about the millionth time that day. Amanda had taken the news just as he had suspected she would, which was...unfortunate. "Look, I've been thinking about this all day. I've been arguing about it all day." Mostly with myself. "And I've made up my mind."
"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe in and damn the consequences!"
"Like you stood up to your parents?"
Dead silence.
Then—"I'm here, aren't I?"
Kurt looked at Amanda, gazing into her eyes. She was so beautiful. His love. He hated to hurt her; he hated the pain in her expression. But she didn't understand...surely if...
"Liebe...Amanda," he said softly, but firmly. "Ja, you are here. You are and I love you for it. But you must see...you're here in secret. You're here because your parents either don't know or don't want to suspect...but nothing has changed! I'm still a mutant freak" She winced. "to them. Tell me, truthfully. Have you tried to just talk to them? Have you done more than simply get angry?"
She had found something immensely interesting to study on the ground. Finally, she whispered, "No." A moment and then—"But I will. I haven't yet, but I will."
He shook his head and gave a small smile. "Warum? Why haven't you?" She looked up, confused. "You haven't, Liebe, because it won't help. Nein, don't argue! It won't. At least, not now. There are some things that are best left alone. That—and this—is one of them. It's not worth it."
She was crying now. A tear, maybe two, rolled down her dark cheeks, past the angry curve of her mouth. Kurt couldn't breathe. He couldn't stand it when girls cried. He reached for her, to squeeze her hand, touch her soft skin...
That was when she left.