Disclaimer:
Nope, still not mine. Joss's and ME's. Hope they don't mind me playing
with them. I'll give them all back at the end...I suppose.
Summary: Cordelia shares her vision. Angel shares his guilt.
Chapter 3
Visions
Angel's pov
"I know. I'm a vision of hotliness. How weird is that?"
Everyone laughs because we had all given up hope and it's been so very long since we've seen Cordy like this. So bright. So focused. So beautiful. Like a cool, fresh breeze bringing the promise of clearer skies. I sit back in my chair and laugh along with the others, drinking in the sight of her.
She tells us about the vision that roused her from her coma and they go to research the runes she saw, tattooed on the body of a man. They are chattering happily and it feels good. It feels like the old times. And now, at last, I have her to myself. Nearly.
There's a shadow in the doorway and Eve walks in. I'm sure that she's been eavesdropping. She starts to blow off about the $10 million bail the Company lost. She reminds me of everything I hate about where I am now. It makes me cringe that Cordelia is listening to this and realising how far I've strayed. Finally Eve deigns to notices her.
"And who is this?" she asks in a patronising tone.
Cordelia lifts her head high at the tone that's been adopted.
"I'm Cordelia Chase." She answers and there is nothing but ice in her voice.
"Hi, I'm..."
"I didn't ask."
I can't help grinning. Queen C. Haven't seen her for a while. Gotta love that girl! I am so proud of her for not taking all the ambivalent crap that we put up with. She's right, Eve isn't the sort of person we should be listening to. Jeez, she tried to kill me. Why did I let her stay? Oh yeah. Can't afford to upset the Senior Partners.
They trade a few more insults. We're really going to have to do something about Eve, I think to myself, as she finally leaves. I hear her using her mobile as she walks away, saying brusquely, "Cordelia Chase is back." She's obviously forgotten about vamp hearing and I wonder just who would be interested in that bit of news?
Cordelia looks at me and it's as if her clear, wide eyes see through to my soul. After exposing her to Evil Eve and the glimpses she's caught of the various demons we deal with, I feel defensive. I try to tell her about all the good I'm doing here, but she doesn't buy it.
She knows I'm lost.
She still remembers Connor and the relief of having another person to share this burden with does my soul good. She is cross, tells me I've raped their minds by taking away the memory of him. I need to hear this because my moral compass is damaged and no longer points north. She gives me direction.
But this is one thing I refuse to regret. I did it for him. For Connor. I remember Spike telling me that the girl, Dana, had borne too much pain. It had made her a monster. Between us: myself, Holzt, Jasmine and yes, even Cordelia, we made a monster out of Connor. When I think of the baby I held in my arms, so innocent and perfect, it breaks my heart. So, no regrets. His tormented soul has finally found some peace and he's growing up into everything I had wished for him. Is there a price I wouldn't pay for that?
However, talking of tormented souls I need to make another confession...
"Uh...you know they told you about Spike? How he has a soul and everything?"
"Oh yeah! I mean you the CEO of an evil law firm and Spike is good, what weirdo alternative universe have I landed in?" she joked. I think she was joking.
"Yeah. Well. He's sort of a hero now, has his own seer and everything." Jees, I'm babbling, "And we took his memories away." I finally mumble.
At this point I'm looking at my feet and scuffing the toes of my shoes on the carpet. I don't want to look at her. I don't want to see the disappointed on her face.
"Okay. This playing with people's memories is getting far too 'Groundhog Day' for my liking. You better have a good explanation, Buster."
So I explain and she begins to look less severe, thank God. I so do not want Cordy upset with me.
"You know, the thing that makes you so...'Jack Sparrow', is the lengths you're prepared to go to for the people you care about." She shakes her head sadly.
"Jack Sparrow?" I ask. I feel my brow creasing in confusion.
"Unpredictable? Morally ambiguous?"
"Oh...I thought you meant...uh...camp." I said, running a hand through my hair and feeling kind of embarrassed.
She starts to laugh. I feel my lips begin to twitch, as well.
"What is this, Cordy? Did they give you visions of all the latest movies, whilst you were...uh...away?" I ask because it's scary how much she seems to know. I wonder if anything we told her was actually news to her at all? She rolls her eyes.
"I wish. My visions aren't quite so entertaining."
"You never saw 'Lost in Translation'." I mutter. Stories about emotionally lost people don't appeal to me, for some reason.
She gives me one of her megawatt smiles and suddenly hugs me, saying, "You did a good thing for Spike."
"Did I? I find it hard to tell sometimes."
"Now, I want none of that, Broodboy. You listen to me. I was given a vision and sent to share it with you. You know what that means? You're still their champion. You're not abandoned and, despite your really awful decisions recently, you're not beyond hope."
Her words almost sizzle as they hit me, like the first drops of rain falling on parched land and I am desperate for them. Because I feel so alone in all this. Because it was me who made the deal for Connor and took the helm of this damned law firm. Because the others followed me. Maybe they each had their reasons but if I hadn't have accepted they would not be here. Sometimes it's hard to keep faith. Days when I feel like I've dragged them into damnation with me. I look at Cordy and know she understands me.
"So how is the not-so-evil undead doing?" she asks brightly.
"He's still got no feeling or movement in his hands but definitely getting stronger. He gave Fred his first smile yesterday. He got a bit of language back today."
"I remember his language and I pale to think what his first words were. My money's on 'bloody hell!'"
"Actually it was 'Angel'. I mean the way they all talk to him it was inevitable, 'do you want Angel to get your blood now?'" I mimicked, "it was always going to be a close call between 'Angel' and 'blood'."
Despite my words, I had to admit that I did feel flattered. I caught Cordelia's look and it was so tender I could swear I felt my heart beat.
"Sounds like he's doing fine. Do you mind if I look in on him sometime?"
"Of course, he likes visitors. I forget how sociable he is. He must get lonely here sometimes. Although he has his seer now." I'm babbling again. Cordelia just affects me that way.
"And he has you and the rest of the gang."
I nod but knew that it was only Fred who made any time for him.
"He saved Fred's life once, you know. He risked hell rather than see her die. He hardly knew her then."
"You must be proud of him."
I look up in surprise.
"He's sort of like your childe, isn't he? I can't imagine that crazy vamp had much to do with the raising of him."
"Anything good in him survived despite me, not because of me."
"Even more reason to be proud of him." Cordelia says decidedly.
"Yeah. I guess..." I had never considered Spike in quite this light. Pain in the ass? Definitely. Rival? Yeah. A childe to be proud of? That required further thought.
Gunn interrupts us, poking his head around the door and asking, "You busy, Angel?"
"No, its fine. Come in." I reply.
"I've managed to turn up something on, Eve. We've got an address of someone she has had dealings with recently. Down town area, not her usual sort of hangout."
"What have you got?"
"Actually, I don't know. She's managed to hide part of it from us. We know she made an agreement there. The particulars of which, I can assure you, you do not want to know, but that is one kinky lady."
"Anyway, we have details of the agreement, we have yesterday as the contractual date and we have the address where the contract was closed. We do not have the name of the other party. It's been hidden from us, from the Senior Partners, everyone."
"I've had the mystics scan the address and there is nothing there. It's as though it doesn't exist. My theory is that its been hidden to prevent the person living there becoming susceptible to surveillance. We only came across it because we weren't searching for it specifically. We came at it through Eve, through the backdoor, so to speak."
"So the contract itself doesn't affect us."
"Man, I hope not. It's just some skanky verbal agreement. You know, to do with, well, sex."
"We have copies of that sort of stuff? Well...ok. Obviously we do. It just seems a little..."
"Oh, yeah!" Cordelia and Gunn both agreed with similar grimaces of distaste.
"So are we checking out this address, Boss?"
I nodded and turned to Cordy.
"You ok?"
"Uh huh. I'll go keep the 'Bleached and the Beautiful' company."
I could feel myself frowning.
"You think he's beautiful?"
"Uh, duh!"
I wasn't sure if that meant 'Duh! Of course I find him beautiful, doesn't everybody' or 'Duh! Don't you even know when I'm being sarcastic.' so I let it lie. I sometimes forget how these Sunnydale people seem to speak another language. Spike could tune into it but I frequently find myself at a disadvantage.
***
The reason why the scryers couldn't see the apartment was obvious as soon as we walked in. It's covered in runes. Exactly the same as the one's from Cordy's vision that Wesley had identified as being concealment runes.
The room is almost empty. A pair of jeans, a pair of cowboy boots and what appears to be a pad with crib notes written on it. A few key words on each page and I recognise them all.
Sleminthe parasite. Anaesthetic. Nightmares. Next page. Dana. Asylum. Dr Rabinaw. A few more names and places that have featured in some of our cases recently.
"I think I recognise the writing." I say, showing the pad to Gunn.
"Eve." we both agree.
"You know what else these have in common?"
Gunn shakes his head trying to get the connection. No he wouldn't. He may be brighter than I am but I've had a vested interest in all these cases. These are my failures, my embarrassments and...
"They're all cases where Spike waded in and saved the day." I tell him.
Gunn sees it straight away.
"And he was directed to them by his 'seer'. Who, it appears, is getting insider information from our sweet, little Eve. Spike has been manipulated."
"Why would they do that?" I frown.
"Probably to get to you. Make you doubt yourself, doubt your mission."
And it so nearly succeeded. I had come so close to giving up. I feel uplifted. Vindicated. They were trying to make me quit, so I must be doing something right after all - still a force to be reckoned with. It's another sign that perhaps I haven't strayed too badly. Maybe I can fix that compass of mine. Then the familiar guilt comes crashing in. My faith restored at the expense of Spike and his newly awakened belief in his destiny. I have Cordelia and her visions and a purpose. Spike has been left with nothing.
We return home and I take the elevator to my apartment, to find them both sitting up in bed, with a bowl of snacks between them. They seem to have a system going. Each time Spike nudges her, Cordy automatically pops a Cheezy Puff into his mouth. They look so comfortable and relaxed together that I have a momentary twinge of jealousy. Whether it's of Spike or Cordy, I couldn't say. Then it dawns on me that I have no need to be jealous, I'm not an outsider, I'm part of it. I could sit between them and they would welcome me and feed me Cheezy Puffs. I grin because I'm having a revelation involving snack food and because, well I'm not entirely sure, it's been so long since I've felt like this but, I think I'm...happy.
They're watching a video of...Doyle? Cordelia is talking to Spike, telling him about our old life. It is like a splash of cold water and brings me back to myself. Doyle is nervously telling us that, "our rats are low". Video-Cordy berates him.
I'm not stupid, I know what she is trying to make me see with this little scene. I've wandered far from the mission that Doyle gave his life for. This is my wake up call.
"Hi." I say softly, reluctant to interrupt.
Spike gives me a happy grin, as he nudges Cordelia again and gets yet another snack popped into his mouth. He has an unnatural orange stain around his mouth and looks so pleased with himself I can't help but return his smile. I realise that I can't remember when he last looked at me like that. I mean, with a genuine smile, not his sarcastic smirk or that stinging, contemptuous curl of the lips.
And I can hardly believe it! But I swear the little git just rolled his eyes at me as I dropped into brood mode...I mean, pensive contemplation. Is he starting to remember me? Already? I look at Cordelia but she appears oblivious to it.
"Hi there! How did you get on?" she asks.
"Found out Eve is up to her neck in it. She's in league with Spike's so called 'seer'." I answer.
I see Spike cock his head at the mention of his name. I'm pretty confident that he won't yet understand a word of this, so I continue.
"They were playing him, pretending he had a higher purpose but it was all a sham, an attempt to bring me down. We're going to have a little chat with Eve now."
Cordelia turns towards Spike and puts a hand to his cheek, making him look at her.
"Hey. Listen up. Just because they were pulling your strings, doing a 'Captain Scarlett' number on you that doesn't discount the lives you saved and it doesn't mean that you don't have a higher purpose."
She gives him a gentle kiss.
"It doesn't mean you're not needed."
The feeling of love hits me like a ball of warmth in the stomach and spreads out through my body, I think I must glow from the heat of it. I don't think I shall ever meet such a compassionate, witty, sassy, sexy, straight talking, beautiful woman.
I look at them both and wish that I could stop time, right here. My fingers itch for a piece of charcoal to capture this moment forever. All the affection I hide behind my heavy frown and stoic demeanour is clamouring for release.
He is staring back at her solemnly and I wonder how much he does understand.
I don't want to leave him alone but we've got a confession to wring from an evil bitch. It could get nasty and I don't want it to stir up bad memories for him, I always manage to mess up the people I care about. I'm determined that it won't happen with Spike, not this time around.
Huh? People I care about? I care about Spike? Ok, not such a startling revelation. Just something I hide from, another thing I repress, for so many reasons - mainly because I feel like I've failed him. Badly. In admitting it I feel like a weight has lifted. With the admission there comes the possibility that I can fix what's wrong between us.
"Never doubt it." Cordy whispers.
If this was anyone but Cordy I'd feel spooked.
"Bye, Spike" she calls.
He waves a bandaged hand in response.
"You know what to do if you need me?" I ask.
He nods at me and settles down to watch some awful soap opera. Weird taste this childe.
***
Eve was trying to rush away but I invited her into my office and refused to take 'no' for an answer. We finally got the story from her. Her partner was Lindsey. I'm so stupid, I knew those cowboy boots rang a bell. He was actually in the building and heading for the failsafe.
We put Eve in the elevator and hit down. And it just kept going. I don't think the Senior Partners like being betrayed. I can't help but wonder what made her do it, throw away wealth and success. I mean, sure I'd do it, for the right motivation. For the greater good or for the people I love. The thought of Eve wanting to do good or loving anyone but herself was almost laughable.
We had to move fast. I couldn't help wishing that Spike was with me. Instead, I had to take the more vulnerable humans. Fred gave Wes a quick hug before wishing us all luck. I looked at these determined people and that affection starts to seep out again. Despite this place, at heart, they remain unchanged. I am proud to say they are my friends.
The zombies slowed me down slightly but Wes and Gunn took them on, which gave me and Cordy a chance to reach Lindsey in time. It was a close run thing. Lindsey had managed to enhance his strength and speed but I felt so sure, so powerful.
There were no ambiguities here. I was doing the right thing. I had my friends protecting my back. I had Cordy by my side. Lindsey had picked the wrong day for a fight, and besides, he talked too much. Don't villains know that taunting a guy gets his hackles up and spurs him on to greater heights?
It was a good little fight. In the end the Senior Partners stepped in and took him away, it appeared they weren't very happy with Lindsey either. The only person clever enough to escape from the old Wolfram and Hart, body and soul intact, had been taken back into the bosom of the Company.
It's been a good day. I wish I could end there.
But I can't.
Cordelia is gone. And I feel all my plans, all my hopes, all my visions for the future come crashing down around me.
She looked at me strangely and said, "You're welcome."
I wanted to ask what for? But the telephone rang. They told me she never came around from her coma that she had died peacefully in her sleep. I turned to laugh with her at this stupid mistake but she'd vanished and I realised. She'd come back to give me hope, to give me love, to give me one near perfect day.
"Thank you." I whisper.
Yes, thank you. But I need you. I hurt so much and there is no-one here to hold me.
I need her. I need love. I need...family.
I rush up to Spike and his scent is so familiar, he smells like home. A trace of Cordelia still remains on his lips and his face. I find myself clinging to him. My actions wake him but I can't move. I want to say, 'she's gone', but my throat is so tight I can't form the words. I just bury my face in his neck.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing, poofter."
Oh God, Spike. Don't do this to me. Not now. Don't remember all the bad times just yet. Don't remember how much you hate me. Let me have a few moments of comfort. I need you.
Before I've even thought about what I'm doing I've said the word and he's looking back at me blankly.
My vision blurs as I hold him gently to me and let silent tears fall into his hair.
Summary: Cordelia shares her vision. Angel shares his guilt.
Chapter 3
Visions
Angel's pov
"I know. I'm a vision of hotliness. How weird is that?"
Everyone laughs because we had all given up hope and it's been so very long since we've seen Cordy like this. So bright. So focused. So beautiful. Like a cool, fresh breeze bringing the promise of clearer skies. I sit back in my chair and laugh along with the others, drinking in the sight of her.
She tells us about the vision that roused her from her coma and they go to research the runes she saw, tattooed on the body of a man. They are chattering happily and it feels good. It feels like the old times. And now, at last, I have her to myself. Nearly.
There's a shadow in the doorway and Eve walks in. I'm sure that she's been eavesdropping. She starts to blow off about the $10 million bail the Company lost. She reminds me of everything I hate about where I am now. It makes me cringe that Cordelia is listening to this and realising how far I've strayed. Finally Eve deigns to notices her.
"And who is this?" she asks in a patronising tone.
Cordelia lifts her head high at the tone that's been adopted.
"I'm Cordelia Chase." She answers and there is nothing but ice in her voice.
"Hi, I'm..."
"I didn't ask."
I can't help grinning. Queen C. Haven't seen her for a while. Gotta love that girl! I am so proud of her for not taking all the ambivalent crap that we put up with. She's right, Eve isn't the sort of person we should be listening to. Jeez, she tried to kill me. Why did I let her stay? Oh yeah. Can't afford to upset the Senior Partners.
They trade a few more insults. We're really going to have to do something about Eve, I think to myself, as she finally leaves. I hear her using her mobile as she walks away, saying brusquely, "Cordelia Chase is back." She's obviously forgotten about vamp hearing and I wonder just who would be interested in that bit of news?
Cordelia looks at me and it's as if her clear, wide eyes see through to my soul. After exposing her to Evil Eve and the glimpses she's caught of the various demons we deal with, I feel defensive. I try to tell her about all the good I'm doing here, but she doesn't buy it.
She knows I'm lost.
She still remembers Connor and the relief of having another person to share this burden with does my soul good. She is cross, tells me I've raped their minds by taking away the memory of him. I need to hear this because my moral compass is damaged and no longer points north. She gives me direction.
But this is one thing I refuse to regret. I did it for him. For Connor. I remember Spike telling me that the girl, Dana, had borne too much pain. It had made her a monster. Between us: myself, Holzt, Jasmine and yes, even Cordelia, we made a monster out of Connor. When I think of the baby I held in my arms, so innocent and perfect, it breaks my heart. So, no regrets. His tormented soul has finally found some peace and he's growing up into everything I had wished for him. Is there a price I wouldn't pay for that?
However, talking of tormented souls I need to make another confession...
"Uh...you know they told you about Spike? How he has a soul and everything?"
"Oh yeah! I mean you the CEO of an evil law firm and Spike is good, what weirdo alternative universe have I landed in?" she joked. I think she was joking.
"Yeah. Well. He's sort of a hero now, has his own seer and everything." Jees, I'm babbling, "And we took his memories away." I finally mumble.
At this point I'm looking at my feet and scuffing the toes of my shoes on the carpet. I don't want to look at her. I don't want to see the disappointed on her face.
"Okay. This playing with people's memories is getting far too 'Groundhog Day' for my liking. You better have a good explanation, Buster."
So I explain and she begins to look less severe, thank God. I so do not want Cordy upset with me.
"You know, the thing that makes you so...'Jack Sparrow', is the lengths you're prepared to go to for the people you care about." She shakes her head sadly.
"Jack Sparrow?" I ask. I feel my brow creasing in confusion.
"Unpredictable? Morally ambiguous?"
"Oh...I thought you meant...uh...camp." I said, running a hand through my hair and feeling kind of embarrassed.
She starts to laugh. I feel my lips begin to twitch, as well.
"What is this, Cordy? Did they give you visions of all the latest movies, whilst you were...uh...away?" I ask because it's scary how much she seems to know. I wonder if anything we told her was actually news to her at all? She rolls her eyes.
"I wish. My visions aren't quite so entertaining."
"You never saw 'Lost in Translation'." I mutter. Stories about emotionally lost people don't appeal to me, for some reason.
She gives me one of her megawatt smiles and suddenly hugs me, saying, "You did a good thing for Spike."
"Did I? I find it hard to tell sometimes."
"Now, I want none of that, Broodboy. You listen to me. I was given a vision and sent to share it with you. You know what that means? You're still their champion. You're not abandoned and, despite your really awful decisions recently, you're not beyond hope."
Her words almost sizzle as they hit me, like the first drops of rain falling on parched land and I am desperate for them. Because I feel so alone in all this. Because it was me who made the deal for Connor and took the helm of this damned law firm. Because the others followed me. Maybe they each had their reasons but if I hadn't have accepted they would not be here. Sometimes it's hard to keep faith. Days when I feel like I've dragged them into damnation with me. I look at Cordy and know she understands me.
"So how is the not-so-evil undead doing?" she asks brightly.
"He's still got no feeling or movement in his hands but definitely getting stronger. He gave Fred his first smile yesterday. He got a bit of language back today."
"I remember his language and I pale to think what his first words were. My money's on 'bloody hell!'"
"Actually it was 'Angel'. I mean the way they all talk to him it was inevitable, 'do you want Angel to get your blood now?'" I mimicked, "it was always going to be a close call between 'Angel' and 'blood'."
Despite my words, I had to admit that I did feel flattered. I caught Cordelia's look and it was so tender I could swear I felt my heart beat.
"Sounds like he's doing fine. Do you mind if I look in on him sometime?"
"Of course, he likes visitors. I forget how sociable he is. He must get lonely here sometimes. Although he has his seer now." I'm babbling again. Cordelia just affects me that way.
"And he has you and the rest of the gang."
I nod but knew that it was only Fred who made any time for him.
"He saved Fred's life once, you know. He risked hell rather than see her die. He hardly knew her then."
"You must be proud of him."
I look up in surprise.
"He's sort of like your childe, isn't he? I can't imagine that crazy vamp had much to do with the raising of him."
"Anything good in him survived despite me, not because of me."
"Even more reason to be proud of him." Cordelia says decidedly.
"Yeah. I guess..." I had never considered Spike in quite this light. Pain in the ass? Definitely. Rival? Yeah. A childe to be proud of? That required further thought.
Gunn interrupts us, poking his head around the door and asking, "You busy, Angel?"
"No, its fine. Come in." I reply.
"I've managed to turn up something on, Eve. We've got an address of someone she has had dealings with recently. Down town area, not her usual sort of hangout."
"What have you got?"
"Actually, I don't know. She's managed to hide part of it from us. We know she made an agreement there. The particulars of which, I can assure you, you do not want to know, but that is one kinky lady."
"Anyway, we have details of the agreement, we have yesterday as the contractual date and we have the address where the contract was closed. We do not have the name of the other party. It's been hidden from us, from the Senior Partners, everyone."
"I've had the mystics scan the address and there is nothing there. It's as though it doesn't exist. My theory is that its been hidden to prevent the person living there becoming susceptible to surveillance. We only came across it because we weren't searching for it specifically. We came at it through Eve, through the backdoor, so to speak."
"So the contract itself doesn't affect us."
"Man, I hope not. It's just some skanky verbal agreement. You know, to do with, well, sex."
"We have copies of that sort of stuff? Well...ok. Obviously we do. It just seems a little..."
"Oh, yeah!" Cordelia and Gunn both agreed with similar grimaces of distaste.
"So are we checking out this address, Boss?"
I nodded and turned to Cordy.
"You ok?"
"Uh huh. I'll go keep the 'Bleached and the Beautiful' company."
I could feel myself frowning.
"You think he's beautiful?"
"Uh, duh!"
I wasn't sure if that meant 'Duh! Of course I find him beautiful, doesn't everybody' or 'Duh! Don't you even know when I'm being sarcastic.' so I let it lie. I sometimes forget how these Sunnydale people seem to speak another language. Spike could tune into it but I frequently find myself at a disadvantage.
***
The reason why the scryers couldn't see the apartment was obvious as soon as we walked in. It's covered in runes. Exactly the same as the one's from Cordy's vision that Wesley had identified as being concealment runes.
The room is almost empty. A pair of jeans, a pair of cowboy boots and what appears to be a pad with crib notes written on it. A few key words on each page and I recognise them all.
Sleminthe parasite. Anaesthetic. Nightmares. Next page. Dana. Asylum. Dr Rabinaw. A few more names and places that have featured in some of our cases recently.
"I think I recognise the writing." I say, showing the pad to Gunn.
"Eve." we both agree.
"You know what else these have in common?"
Gunn shakes his head trying to get the connection. No he wouldn't. He may be brighter than I am but I've had a vested interest in all these cases. These are my failures, my embarrassments and...
"They're all cases where Spike waded in and saved the day." I tell him.
Gunn sees it straight away.
"And he was directed to them by his 'seer'. Who, it appears, is getting insider information from our sweet, little Eve. Spike has been manipulated."
"Why would they do that?" I frown.
"Probably to get to you. Make you doubt yourself, doubt your mission."
And it so nearly succeeded. I had come so close to giving up. I feel uplifted. Vindicated. They were trying to make me quit, so I must be doing something right after all - still a force to be reckoned with. It's another sign that perhaps I haven't strayed too badly. Maybe I can fix that compass of mine. Then the familiar guilt comes crashing in. My faith restored at the expense of Spike and his newly awakened belief in his destiny. I have Cordelia and her visions and a purpose. Spike has been left with nothing.
We return home and I take the elevator to my apartment, to find them both sitting up in bed, with a bowl of snacks between them. They seem to have a system going. Each time Spike nudges her, Cordy automatically pops a Cheezy Puff into his mouth. They look so comfortable and relaxed together that I have a momentary twinge of jealousy. Whether it's of Spike or Cordy, I couldn't say. Then it dawns on me that I have no need to be jealous, I'm not an outsider, I'm part of it. I could sit between them and they would welcome me and feed me Cheezy Puffs. I grin because I'm having a revelation involving snack food and because, well I'm not entirely sure, it's been so long since I've felt like this but, I think I'm...happy.
They're watching a video of...Doyle? Cordelia is talking to Spike, telling him about our old life. It is like a splash of cold water and brings me back to myself. Doyle is nervously telling us that, "our rats are low". Video-Cordy berates him.
I'm not stupid, I know what she is trying to make me see with this little scene. I've wandered far from the mission that Doyle gave his life for. This is my wake up call.
"Hi." I say softly, reluctant to interrupt.
Spike gives me a happy grin, as he nudges Cordelia again and gets yet another snack popped into his mouth. He has an unnatural orange stain around his mouth and looks so pleased with himself I can't help but return his smile. I realise that I can't remember when he last looked at me like that. I mean, with a genuine smile, not his sarcastic smirk or that stinging, contemptuous curl of the lips.
And I can hardly believe it! But I swear the little git just rolled his eyes at me as I dropped into brood mode...I mean, pensive contemplation. Is he starting to remember me? Already? I look at Cordelia but she appears oblivious to it.
"Hi there! How did you get on?" she asks.
"Found out Eve is up to her neck in it. She's in league with Spike's so called 'seer'." I answer.
I see Spike cock his head at the mention of his name. I'm pretty confident that he won't yet understand a word of this, so I continue.
"They were playing him, pretending he had a higher purpose but it was all a sham, an attempt to bring me down. We're going to have a little chat with Eve now."
Cordelia turns towards Spike and puts a hand to his cheek, making him look at her.
"Hey. Listen up. Just because they were pulling your strings, doing a 'Captain Scarlett' number on you that doesn't discount the lives you saved and it doesn't mean that you don't have a higher purpose."
She gives him a gentle kiss.
"It doesn't mean you're not needed."
The feeling of love hits me like a ball of warmth in the stomach and spreads out through my body, I think I must glow from the heat of it. I don't think I shall ever meet such a compassionate, witty, sassy, sexy, straight talking, beautiful woman.
I look at them both and wish that I could stop time, right here. My fingers itch for a piece of charcoal to capture this moment forever. All the affection I hide behind my heavy frown and stoic demeanour is clamouring for release.
He is staring back at her solemnly and I wonder how much he does understand.
I don't want to leave him alone but we've got a confession to wring from an evil bitch. It could get nasty and I don't want it to stir up bad memories for him, I always manage to mess up the people I care about. I'm determined that it won't happen with Spike, not this time around.
Huh? People I care about? I care about Spike? Ok, not such a startling revelation. Just something I hide from, another thing I repress, for so many reasons - mainly because I feel like I've failed him. Badly. In admitting it I feel like a weight has lifted. With the admission there comes the possibility that I can fix what's wrong between us.
"Never doubt it." Cordy whispers.
If this was anyone but Cordy I'd feel spooked.
"Bye, Spike" she calls.
He waves a bandaged hand in response.
"You know what to do if you need me?" I ask.
He nods at me and settles down to watch some awful soap opera. Weird taste this childe.
***
Eve was trying to rush away but I invited her into my office and refused to take 'no' for an answer. We finally got the story from her. Her partner was Lindsey. I'm so stupid, I knew those cowboy boots rang a bell. He was actually in the building and heading for the failsafe.
We put Eve in the elevator and hit down. And it just kept going. I don't think the Senior Partners like being betrayed. I can't help but wonder what made her do it, throw away wealth and success. I mean, sure I'd do it, for the right motivation. For the greater good or for the people I love. The thought of Eve wanting to do good or loving anyone but herself was almost laughable.
We had to move fast. I couldn't help wishing that Spike was with me. Instead, I had to take the more vulnerable humans. Fred gave Wes a quick hug before wishing us all luck. I looked at these determined people and that affection starts to seep out again. Despite this place, at heart, they remain unchanged. I am proud to say they are my friends.
The zombies slowed me down slightly but Wes and Gunn took them on, which gave me and Cordy a chance to reach Lindsey in time. It was a close run thing. Lindsey had managed to enhance his strength and speed but I felt so sure, so powerful.
There were no ambiguities here. I was doing the right thing. I had my friends protecting my back. I had Cordy by my side. Lindsey had picked the wrong day for a fight, and besides, he talked too much. Don't villains know that taunting a guy gets his hackles up and spurs him on to greater heights?
It was a good little fight. In the end the Senior Partners stepped in and took him away, it appeared they weren't very happy with Lindsey either. The only person clever enough to escape from the old Wolfram and Hart, body and soul intact, had been taken back into the bosom of the Company.
It's been a good day. I wish I could end there.
But I can't.
Cordelia is gone. And I feel all my plans, all my hopes, all my visions for the future come crashing down around me.
She looked at me strangely and said, "You're welcome."
I wanted to ask what for? But the telephone rang. They told me she never came around from her coma that she had died peacefully in her sleep. I turned to laugh with her at this stupid mistake but she'd vanished and I realised. She'd come back to give me hope, to give me love, to give me one near perfect day.
"Thank you." I whisper.
Yes, thank you. But I need you. I hurt so much and there is no-one here to hold me.
I need her. I need love. I need...family.
I rush up to Spike and his scent is so familiar, he smells like home. A trace of Cordelia still remains on his lips and his face. I find myself clinging to him. My actions wake him but I can't move. I want to say, 'she's gone', but my throat is so tight I can't form the words. I just bury my face in his neck.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing, poofter."
Oh God, Spike. Don't do this to me. Not now. Don't remember all the bad times just yet. Don't remember how much you hate me. Let me have a few moments of comfort. I need you.
Before I've even thought about what I'm doing I've said the word and he's looking back at me blankly.
My vision blurs as I hold him gently to me and let silent tears fall into his hair.