Disclaimer:
Nope, still not mine. Joss's and ME's. Hope they don't mind me playing
with them. I'll give them all back at the end...if I really have to.
Summary: Angel tries to hide what he's done. Will anyone realise? Can he gain Spike's trust again?
Chapter 4
Trust
Following Cordelia's supernatural appearance and subsequent loss, the general feeling of disbelief began to give way to shocked acceptance. She had crashed through their lives like a tidal wave, sweeping away the bad and leaving calmer water behind her, as well as some collateral damage. It appeared to hit Angel the hardest. He stayed in his room, not answering their calls, only appearing if there was essential business that required his attention.
"Someone should go talk to him." said Gunn.
"But not me." He quickly qualified. "I'm not so hot with the warm vampire fuzzies."
In the end it was Wesley who found himself riding up in the elevator to face the elusive vampire.
Angel appeared remarkably cheerful and Wesley couldn't help commenting on this, in some surprise.
"She gave me the gift of her final day, Wes. It's like, supposing someone gave me...jees, I don't know...say, a perfect miniature ship. It would demean the gift if I started to complain that I wanted the full size version."
Wesley was dumbfounded. Of all reactions he hadn't expected this.
"I am relieved you see it in that light, Angel. To be perfectly frank we were worried about you. It's surprisingly mature of you."
"Uh. Thanks. I think." Angel frowned slightly, as he tried to figure out if he felt complimented or insulted.
"I have to admit that it wasn't my first reaction. I mean at first I was unhappy..."
Which Wesley wisely interpreted as 'devastated'.
"...but, you know, I thought about it..."
'Brooded' Wesley translated,
"...and realised, she came back for a purpose - to put us all on the right track. So, I'm going to make damned sure she achieves it. I owe her that much."
Wesley hoped he wouldn't sound patronising but everyone needed encouragement sometimes.
"Do you know? I feel quite proud of you, Angel."
One side of Angel's mouth twitched as though a smile was trying to force an appearance, succeeded for a microsecond and then gave up, giving it more the appearance of a nervous tic.
"Uh, thanks."
"Anyway," said Wesley feeling more comfortable now he'd got the emotional thing out the way, "how's our patient?"
Angel looked at the floor for a few seconds, and then he lifted his head and smiled brightly.
"He's fine. You know...just Spike. Pain in the ass and all that."
"Yes? Well that's good, he must be feeling a bit better."
"Uh huh. I mean, he hasn't really improved any more since you last saw him."
"Really? And he seemed to be coming on so well, too. May I see him?"
"No! I mean, yes. Yes, of course you can. Except he is sleeping at the moment and I'd rather you didn't wake him."
"In that case I'll leave you to it, I must get back to work anyway. Will you be coming down later?"
"Maybe. I don't like to leave him for long. Can you send someone up from Security, I think we should get a monitor installed in his room."
"I could. But don't you think that is a little excessive? An invasion of his privacy, even?"
"I need to keep an eye on him when I go to my office."
"Ah. Quite. I'll send someone up immediately."
Angel called his thanks as Wes disappeared.
He returned to Spike's room where the blonde vampire was sitting propped up in bed. Angel smiled gently at him but there was no answering one. H e seemed sadder this time around.
"Look. See? Angel's brought you some tasty, delicious blood. Yum."
This brought a spark of interest to his eye.
"Blood" he queried hopefully.
"Yes, blood." Angel replied trying to keep the hurt out of his voice. Spike still didn't know his name.
Spike was trying to use his hands to hold the bag himself, which normally ended up with a messy, frustrated vampire. He was fretful and needed more company to keep him entertained. Angel thought about it. He was now about the same level as when they had all last seen him. Generally more alert and taking an interest in everything around him. Perhaps it would be safe to let them back in.
***
Fred spotted Wesley as he emerged.
"So, how did it go?"
Wesley shook his head but didn't want to speak about it in a public space.
"Can you call Lorne and we'll all meet in Gunn's office. I'll tell you about it then."
Once they had all gathered Wesley went through everything that had been said.
"But that sounds great. Why all the doom and glooms?" Lorne asked.
"Because I've known Angel for years and he is up to something."
"So he's hiding how upset he is over Cordelia. I don't think there's much we can do there. Just give him time, man." Gunn answered.
"No. Actually, I believe him when he spoke about Cordelia. He's sad but he's coming to terms with it as best he can. No it's Spike. He's hardly been down here because he didn't want to leave Spike. And he definitely wasn't keen on letting me see him."
"Angel said he was sleeping," said Fred reasonably.
"Yes, that's what he said. I don't know, perhaps I'm blowing this out of proportion but he never really liked...although I'm sure he would never hurt him. Not when he's in bed, injured and defenceless..."
Yet, for some reason, Wesley was less than certain about this. Sometimes he felt that Angel was capable of a great deal. He would tell himself that he was naturally getting him confused with Angelus, but subconsciously he was convinced that Angel could turn into as much a monster as Angelus ever was.
"Why don't you attempt to see Spike and see what happens?"
***
Later that day, once he'd had a security camera installed and a monitor put on his desk, Angel finally returned to work for a couple of hours. He didn't accomplish much. It was difficult to concentrate when he had to keep looking up every few seconds to make sure his boy was ok.
He knew he was overcompensating. Yes, he had raped Spike's mind, as Cordelia so charmingly put it. But there had been extenuating circumstances. Spike would see that. He would understand. And look at all the care he had now. Nothing else was going to happen to Spike. Not on his watch. So he stayed with Spike, sat with him whilst he slept, talked to him constantly. He'd never opened up to anyone as much as he did to Spike in the last couple of days, although Spike didn't actually understand any of it.
Part of him wished he'd just told Wes outright. He'd nearly admitted what had happened but then Wes had said he was proud of him and he hadn't wanted to lose that. Angel rested his head in his hands and tried not to think anymore. He finally picked up his pen and tried to focus on the document in front of him.
Each of his friends managed to find some excuse to call in to chat. Funny. They were all remarkably determined to see Spike. All of them seemed to have taken a liking to this particular version of him. And he couldn't blame them. It was ok though. He was ready. Maybe some human food to help them relax, put them at their ease, make them less suspicious. Yeah. That would work. He picked up the phone and ordered a takeaway for the evening.
***
Spike lay on the bed, trying to wiggle his fingers. It was exasperating, they wouldn't move and he was fairly certain they were supposed to. He needed to be able to move, it seemed vital that he should be able to walk around like that other person did. He couldn't afford to be so weak, so powerless, so dependent. But he had to pretend. Pretend to know nothing. Give nothing away. Because if he let anything slip something bad would happen.
Angel. That was his name. Sure, Angel appeared to like him. He kept him fed and looked after him. Liked him but as he was now, weak and powerless. So Spike kept his eyes blank, whilst hiding the anxiety he felt whenever Angel was in the room. Sometimes it would threaten to overwhelm him and he'd pull the covers over his head and pretend to be alone.
A word occurred to him. He rolled it around his mouth.
"Trust." He whispered.
That was it. Mustn't trust Angel.
***
Lorne was the first to arrive and had thoughtfully brought along his own alcohol, which he mixed to a concoction of his own devising.
"Guaranteed to bring a smile even to your face, Angelcakes." He said as he poured the colourful liquid into a glass.
Angel sipped it as Lorne looked on expectantly and hoped that his pained grimace was mistaken for a smile. No such luck. Lorne poured himself one and took a careful sip. Hah! Definitely a grimace.
"Mmm. You're right. A bit more Blue Curaco should do the trick."
Angel wasn't fooled. Nothing, short of magic, was going to turn this into anything palatable.
Fred and Wes arrived together, her hand slipped into the crook of his arm.
"Can we go in?" Fred asked.
Angel gave a nod and Fred gave Wesley a 'what was all the fuss about' look. They found him curled up, looking small and vulnerable in the huge bed, provided courtesy of Wolfram and Hart.
"Hey, Spike." Fred said softly.
Strange voices? Spike's eyes shot open. He tried to get a feeling for them.
"Remember me? It's Fred. And this is Wes. We're your friends."
Yes, that was the vibe he was getting. These were friends.
He gave them a tentative smile and felt the full beam of Fred's dazzling grin. He didn't have much time. He could already hear those heavy footsteps coming towards the door. He turned his eyes to the one she'd called Wes.
Wesley could hear Angel and was about to turn towards the door when he was suddenly caught by the intensity of Spike's gaze. His eyes were alert and watchful. Then clearly he saw Spike's mouth form words, no more than a whisper.
The rest of the evening passed in a daze. Nobody seemed to notice how distracted he was. He let nothing show. He watched Spike carefully. Angel was right he hadn't improved, if anything he seemed less himself than ever. He saw he'd caught Angel's attention and smiled nervously at him. He must pay more attention. So when people laughed he joined in, he thought he might even have chipped in with one or two comments.
He ordered a car to take Fred home and made his way to a phone booth. He was fairly certain that his mobile, office and home phones were bugged as a matter of course. He took out a bit of paper and dialled a number.
"Hello. Rupert. Yes, it's me. I'm very well, thank you. I need your advice. I think we may have a problem. Yes. I'm afraid it's Spike..."
Wesley was a troubled man. He hadn't wanted to phone Giles but who else was there? He fell into an uneasy sleep as Spike's "Help me!" echoed distressingly in his head. 'And God help me,' he thought
***
Angel had started to notice something. Spike's behaviour underwent a change when he was watching him on the screen, to when he was actually in the room with him. He asked for backup tapes and played them through. Yes, there Spike was watching television and laughing enthusiastically at something and suddenly his face became tense and closed off. The next second he saw himself entering the room and Spike pretending to sleep. What the hell was going on?
Everything else could wait. They needed to talk.
So here he was sitting uncomfortably in Spike's room, the blonde vampire refusing to make eye contact, wondering how to begin. He was part annoyed. Was pissing him off so inbred that. even when he remembered nothing else, this came to him instinctively? Mostly though, he just felt guilt. No change there then.
Ok. He needed to start talking.
"I know you can understand me, Spike."
This caused him to turn his head away. Right. Good start, Angel.
"You know I want to see you get better, don't you."
He thought he heard a slight snort.
"What? You don't believe me?"
No reaction.
"Why wouldn't I want to see you get better? Tell me. What's going on in that warped little mind of yours?"
"You like me better like this." Came the soft reply.
So Spike could speak. He knew it!
"No. That's not true." Angel replied.
Spike turned and looked at him, eyes filled with disbelief.
"Well. Yeah. Maybe it is. But that's not the issue. It's not about me. It's about getting you well. I want to see you well."
Spike looked doubtful.
"Look. What exactly do you remember and I'll try to explain."
"Don't remember anything."
"There must be something. Why are you treating me like this?"
"Dunno. Just a feeling. You want me to stay like this. If I don't you'll..."
"I'll what? What do you think I'll do to you?" Then it hit him like a punch in the face. "You're afraid of me."
"I can't feed myself. I'm helpless. And I'm dependent on you. I don't even know myself, never mind you." Spike murmured defensively, trying to divert any resulting wrath.
Angel didn't look angry, just rather sad.
"Would it help if I told you a bit about what's happened?"
Spike nodded.
"We're vampires."
Again he nodded. Now that he heard the words, he found that he already knew that.
"So. I kill people." He said sadly.
"Did you feel like killing Gunn or Wesley or Fred last night?"
"No." he replied in a puzzled voice. "No. I didn't."
"You don't kill people. Not any more. You went out and won yourself a soul. You're good."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. I'm sure."
"You're a vampire?" He asked and Angel nodded. "Do you kill people?"
"No."
"Well, not usually." He qualified. "I have a soul."
"You went and got one, too?"
"Well, actually, I got mine first." For some reason, it was important that he was clear on this point. He was the original, souled vampire.
"I didn't win it though. I was cursed with it." He admitted. "So, any more questions?"
"You'll tell me the truth if I ask?"
"Promise. The truth, as far as I know it."
"Huh. Are there many of us?"
"Souled vampires? We're the only two I know of."
"Why can't I remember?"
"We set up a spell, if one of us says the word then you forget." Spike's answering look was filled with suspicion.
"You needed it, Spike. Both of us have done stuff in the past. I've had a stint in hell and one hundred years to help me come to terms with it. But it's still all too new to you. Then you got badly hurt." He gestured to the bandaged wrists. "We thought we were going to lose you. This was the only way we could think of to help you."
"Did I agree?"
"Yeah..."
"Then why don't I trust you?"
And here it was. He'd wanted to know why Spike didn't trust him, now he had to put himself in Spike's position and try to come up with a reason. He started to think about it and...oh...where the hell to start.
"It's complicated." He said.
"Yeah? Well, explain it to me, real slow, then."
"Ok." Angel resigned himself to it. After all he had promised. "Starting with most recently. I...uh accidentally made you lose your memory again."
"So this word that makes me forget, it could accidentally slip out in casual conversation?"
"No...not exactly. I was upset...I wasn't thinking...but you called me a poof!" Angel said indignantly. Spike's lips twitched.
"Yeah? Now that you mention it, I look at you and that's what springs to mind." Angel looked horrified.
"Nah. I mean, like a name, a title. Do I normally call you Angel?"
Shake of his head.
"Then what do I normally call you?"
"Whatever springs to mind. Peaches, Wanker, Poof." Angel admitted.
"There we are then. I didn't mean anything by it. It's almost like a pet name, a term of endearment, ain't it?"
Then he laughed. "We don't like each other much, do we?"
Another shake of his head.
"So you were upset. You came to me. I called you a name that reminded you that we weren't the best of pals. You wanted the more pliable me back and made me forget?"
Nod of the head.
"So that's why I've been trying to hide any sign of return to my old self. Cus you might suddenly decide for me again and take it all away."
"Perhaps." Nothing changes, Angel thought. Trust Spike to always see to the heart of things.
"Well, are you? Are you going to take it away again? I can't stop you. Are you going to keep me like this forever?"
"No. Of course not!" Angel denied. "Look. I am sorry. I was sorry as soon I'd done it, but it was too late then. Just give me a chance, Spike. I'll make it up to you."
"So that's the 'most recently' taken care of. What else have you done to me?"
"Hey. Its not all one sided you know! Do hot pokers and needle nosed pliers ring any bells with you?"
Spike raised an eyebrow and Angel looked away.
"Well, no. Obviously not. Well...like I said it's complicated."
Oh, there goes that eyebrow again. There was no getting out of this.
"Well the memory slip up might have been compounded by the fact that you've been helpless before."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. Broken back. Wheelchair."
"And you what? Looked after me? Cared for me?"
"I'd lost my soul."
"Right." Spike just looked resigned. "I don't want a catalogue of things you did to me. Just tell me the worst."
"Haven't we had enough honesty for one day." Angel asked awkwardly. Spike just continued to look at him. Ok, deep breath and get it over with.
"I took Dru away from you. My childe. Your sire. You loved her. You'd been together for over 100 years."
"She left me? After all that time? For you?"
"It's the way I made her. She can't help it. She'll always be looking for her Daddy, no matter what you or I do."
"Why did she stay so long with me, if she wanted you?"
"Not me. The unsouled me. Angelus. When I got my soul you were her only connection to him. You became a sort of substitute, I guess."
Oh no. He could have phrased that better.
"You're right. Enough honesty for one day."
Angel saw how upset he had become.
"She did care for you, you know."
"I'm hungry."
He knew Spike in this mood. He'd had enough and wasn't going to hear any more.
"I'll heat you up some blood."
"I want proper food."
"Proper?"
"Yeah. I found a couple of these in the bed." He held up a Cheezy Puff. "I want some of these."
***
Wesley was a few minutes early but finally the phone rang. He stepped into the booth, answered it and listened carefully. He sighed in relief.
"I should have thought of that. Thank you for your help, Rupert. It is very much appreciated and hopefully you won't be hearing from me again for a while. Goodbye."
Angel obviously cared for Spike and Wesley wanted to trust him. Giles had eventually agreed that it was probably a one off mistake brought on by Cordelia's death. Even so they decided to take precautions.
He went to a small locked room, deep within the Wolfram and Hart vaults. Three crystals glowed within a pentagon. Wesley didn't want to dismantle the spell. Instead, he carefully surrounded it with a thick circle of white powder, muttering an incantation as he did so. When that was complete he picked up the smallest crystal, put it in his shirt pocket and left.
***
Angel really didn't want to go. He'd had a great day following his chat with Spike. He'd sat on the bed and fed him those awful snack things. He'd tried one himself and shot off the bed retching and holding his throat. Despite the cold blood he'd gulped down he could still taste the chemicals and processed corn. Spike had found his reaction hysterical and called him a drama queen.
Spike had tried to pick them out of the bag by himself and discovered he did have some slight movement in his fingers but unfortunately no feeling, so he ended up either dropping or crushing them. Angel had an idea and came in with some brightly coloured rattles.
"I've still got these."
Spike's look could have withered fresh, green grass.
"They might help. You know...you can practise you grip."
"Angel?"
"Yeah?"
"How old am I?
"Huh? What in vampire years?"
"No. In frigging dog years. What do you think!" Spike griped.
"Well Jees! No need to bite my head off. I thought you might want to include your human years. Lets think...1880...ok, about 124."
"Riight that's 124 years. Not 4 sodding months!"
"Alright! I just thought they might help."
Spike rolled his eyes.
"Where did you get these, anyway? You been stealing from babies? Thought you were good now?"
Angel considered for a minute and then made a decision.
"They're all that's left of my time with Connor."
He waited for Spike to ask.
"Connor?"
"Yeah. My son."
He spent the rest of the afternoon pouring out his heart to Spike, right up to the deal he'd made with Wolfram and Hart.
"When I went to the room that used to be his all that was left were these, lying in the dust." Angel finished.
"I'm sorry, luv."
"It's okay. These things happen." Oh God, he could feel himself choking.
"Yeah. Right. 'These things happen'. 'Life goes on'. 'Things will look better in the morning'." Spike quoted. "You don't need to pull all that crap with me."
He saw Angel's face. "Christ! C'mere."
He pulled him roughly to his shoulder.
"You don't always have to pretend that everything is ok. Not here anyway."
Angel allowed himself to relax into Spike's shoulder.
Spike tried to pat him comfortingly. Given his returning strength and complete absence of feeling in his hands, this affectionate patting felt remarkably like being hit around the head with a shovel. Angel wriggled away from the 'comfort'.
"Yeah. Cheers Spike. I feel much better now."
He looked at Spike's confused face.
"You did that on purpose, didn't you?"
Spike gave a grin.
"Git."
"Yeah, well. That'll teach you to brood."
"I was not brooding..." Oh honestly. What was the point.
Then his phone had started to ring. He had an appointment. Really couldn't be missed. Blah, blah, blah.
He called Fred and asked her to baby sit. Luckily he didn't catch the expression on Spike's face. In the end both Fred and Wes said they would come up.
"They've been spending a lot of time together lately." He said to Spike.
"Are you stupid?"
"I'm sorry?"
"I've only seen them for a couple of hours and any idiot can see they're in love."
"Really?"
"Honestly, Angel. Just take your swirly coat and big sword and go save the day."
"I wish I could. Instead I have to skank around some self-important demon. They'll be up in a moment. You've got my bleeper if you need me?"
"Yeah. Stop being such a mother hen and just go will you."
Spike settled back down to sleep
***
Angel looked at his bleeper. Spike? It stopped and he sighed in relief. Then it started again.
He didn't even make his apologies but swept out of the building and began to run like the wind back to his car.
Ok. There was only one way into the penthouse so he'd have to take it. The elevator doors opened.
"Hello, Angel."
Oh. He knew that voice and it wasn't good.
"Stand down, Lawson."
"Sorry chief. Can't do that."
"What do you want?"
"Same thing everyone wants, I guess. To understand. To have a mission. Used to be simpler in those days didn't it? On the submarine. Didn't need to understand, there was only the mission."
"What do you want from me?"
"Just what I'm getting? The fear in your eyes, as you wonder if they're still alive. Well? Why don't you go in and look?"
Angel pushed open the door to Spike's room fearful of what he might see. Fred, Wesley and Spike were tied to chairs. They looked unhurt. Except that each of them had their heads thrown back at an awkward angle. He was about to rush towards them but found Lawson between him and his friends. He raised his hand to push him out of the way.
"I wouldn't try rough housing if I was you, chief. That's piano wire around their necks. One tumble and it's..." he made a cutting sound as he drew a line across the front of his throat. "Apart from Spike, of course, who will simply poof into nothing."
Angel was growing coldly angry but this vampire in front of him was right. He wasn't going to risk harming them. He decided the safest thing was to just let Lawson talk.
"So you kept Spike. Yet you turned me and sent me away. There I was, no mission, no purpose, you left me with nothing. Why did you do that? I so was lost, I did all the things I thought might bring me peace. All the terrible things that a monster does—murdered women and children, tortured fathers and husbands just to hear them scream—and through it all... I felt nothing. 60 years of blood drying in my throat like ashes. So what do you think? Is it me, chief? Or does everyone you sired feel this way?"
"You're the only one I ever did this to...after I got a soul." Angel replied.
"Do I have one, too?"
"I don't think it works that way."
"You gave me just enough, didn't you? Enough of your soul to keep me trapped between who I was and who I should be. I'm nothing...because of you. And if I kill Spike and these humans it won't make things better but it would hurt you and maybe that's enough of a mission."
Angel had listened enough. He picked the other man up and threw him away from Spike and his humans. Lawson crashed into a wooden framed mirror, jumped swiftly to his feet, tearing a piece of the broken frame away. Angel flew towards him and smashed a fist into his face. Lawson reeled with the blow, recovered quickly, and struck out with his bit of wood. Angel caught the movement and turned it back so the wooden fragment was now travelling inexorably towards the younger vampire's heart.
"Come on chief, give me my mission." Lawson invited.
Angel pushed it in and closed his eyes to keep out the dust.
He carefully released each of them in turn.
"You know, Angel? He really was the most peculiar vampire. It's most fascinating, supposing he did have a soul?"
"I find myself overwhelmed with the not caring." Angel answered. He looked at Spike.
"No one messes with..." he just managed to prevent himself from saying 'what's mine' changing it to "...my friends."
"But that could have been Spike only a year ago. He seemed so close to finding something."
Angel looked at him. How could he put it so Wes would understand? He didn't give a damn as long as Spike himself was safe.
"Wes, I understand what you're saying but I was in the middle of a situation and I wasn't going to risk any of you. Frankly, I don't give a damn. If anyone hurts you," he gave a quick glance towards Spike, "I'll kill them."
He was so matter fact it made Wesley shudder. Fred, however was giving Angel a quick hug.
"Thank you. I knew we could trust you to come to our rescue."
Spike was curiously quiet and Angel put it down to shock. Once the other two had left he tried to help Spike back to the bed.
"S'okay, I can manage to totter that far."
"So...you alright?"
"Don't like being so sodding helpless that's all."
Angel sat on the bed next to him and cradled him kissing him gently on the head.
"Don't worry littl'un. You're getting stronger all the time. Just go to sleep."
"Don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight."
"Do you want some hot milk? I've heard that it's a soporific, it might help?"
"Angel."
"Yeah."
"I'm leaving."
"What?" he started to laugh. "Don't be an idiot, you're not strong enough to go anywhere."
"Ok. Soon as I'm strong enough, I'm leaving."
"But...I like having you here!"
"Why? You got big plans for me have you? Decided what university you want me to go to? Shall we go fly a kite? Perhaps we can play model railways?"
"What the hell is this?"
"Who am I, Angel?"
Angel looked at him fondly.
"You're my boy. My child."
"I am a 124 year old vampire."
"Yeah. That too."
"I am not Connor."
"I never said you were."
"I do not play with rattles, I do not need baby sitters and I do not drink warm milk."
"I never..."
"Yeah, Angel. You did. And it sounds like I've already wasted a hundred years being a poor substitute for someone else. It's not going to happen again."
"You're not a substitute!"
"I suppose I can count myself lucky that you at least remembered to feed me blood instead of bottles of formula milk."
"Don't be so melodramatic, Spike. You are not a substitute and you are not leaving, That's final."
"Is that right? Daddy. You don't own me, you know."
Angel suddenly seemed to deflate.
"No I don't. No more than you own me. But don't go Spike. I can make this right again. I can fix it."
"No, Angel you can't. Thing is I want this. I want to be here...with you. Its too tempting. That's why I have to go."
"Well that made no frigging sense at all. Just go back to bed, Spike."
"And you say you don't handle me like a human child! Bloody hell, Angel! What do I have to do to make you see, how you're treating me?"
"Is it so bad?"
"I need to be loved for myself, not as a reflection of someone else. You haven't really been considering me in all this, have you?"
"Of course I have. Every thought I have I relate back to you. I'm fighting and wishing you were there to help me, or laughing and thinking how much it would amuse you!" Angel felt so frustrated. It was as though Spike had already made up his mind and wasn't really hearing what he was saying.
"Don't leave me, Spike."
"I have to. You know, I think I know why the old me hated you."
"Go on."
"Because if I let myself love you, it would break me when you let me down."
"What makes you think I'd let you down?"
"I just get the impression that you always do."
"You're not going to leave me Spike. I'll prove that I think of you as yourself, as an equal and as a vampire."
"I'm leaving."
"Why won't you listen! Give me one last chance, please? Trust me?"
"Trust you!"
"You are not going to leave me, Spike."
"Really? And how do you plan to stop me. I just make a call and Wes or Fred or Gunn would get me away from here."
Angel's eyes gleamed and Spike suddenly caught on.
"You sodding well dare! You do not have my permission."
Angel shook his head and gave his pleading puppy dog look.
"Just one last time, Spike. Let me put it right. I promise to get it right this time."
"Don't do it, Angel. For your sake as well as mine."
Just a shake of the head.
Followed by a single solitary word.
"See. I had to do it, Spike. I can't lose you now. I promise I'll remember you're a vampire this time but you'll always be my childe. So feed, childe."
He gouged his neck over the main artery and brought Spike towards it. He smiled as Spike automatically vamped out, just like the first time with the blood bag. He felt his lips on the wound and then the rush as Spike sucked down Sire blood.
"I'm sorry. You're right I forgot what you were. I should have done this right from the start. Drink deep. It will help you heal."
***
Wesley felt a slight warmth in his shirt pocket. He took out the crystal and regarded it with apprehension. He prayed there had been a mistake as he raced down to the vault. The powder circle was still intact but it had been distorted as though swept out of shape by a draught or a breeze. He could feel the tension stiffening his shoulders and making his neck ache. He walked slowly to the telephone booth and made the call he'd hoped that he'd never have make.
"Rupert. It's happened." He hung up and went back to his office to wait.
***
Spike seemed very wakeful and restless even hours after feeding.
"You can't sleep? It's the blood. It's given you energy. Do you want me to put you to sleep, vampire fashion?"
Spike just stared back at him and Angel sighed.
"Its ok Spike, however it turns out this time, I promise, I'll never do it again. I'll dismantle the damned spell tomorrow."
It was almost as if Spike understood. He relaxed slightly and his head dropped to one side, exposing his neck.
"Are you sure about this, I mean a nice glass of milk might do the trick."
Spike's look seemed to so clearly say 'wanker' that Angel started to laugh.
"Ok. Trust me, Spike. I'll look after you. I'm not going to hurt you and I'm not going to let you go. So sleep. Vampire style."
He nuzzled into Spike's neck and delicately pierced the skin. It tasted so good. It danced on his tongue and enervated every cell. This is what he'd been missing all those years. Then too his amazement he could feel the old bond open up, the blood link. He had forgotten about this. It had been so long since he'd shared blood with family. He knew what Spike was feeling and it was happiness...contentment. This went beyond his wildest dreams, it was bliss, it was beyond words. He was beginning to believe that he could make this work. He stroked a hand through Spike's hair and let the blood flow down his throat, teasing the wound to keep it open, until he finally felt Spike's limbs grow heavy and relaxed. He licked the wound to staunch the flow of blood and was so distracted that he didn't hear the door open behind him. The next minute his world went black.
When Angel swam back to consciousness, he was still lying on Spike's bed.
Spike was gone.
His boy was gone.
Angel let out a howl of anguish.
***
Wesley heard the howl even down in his office, where he'd been sitting, alone and apprehensive. Once Spike was safe he was supposed to go up to Angel and talk to him reasonably. After all Angel was good, Angel was reasonable, he'd never hurt his friends. Wesley realised he'd made a huge miscalculation, anyone who laid a finger on Spike was no longer a friend. Angel was fiercely possessive. He remembered how he'd reacted when Lawson had threatened them. Suddenly Wesley was very, very afraid. His heart was racing and he knew with the certainty of a hunted animal that he needed to get away.
***
Who would take his childe away? Who would do that? Hell did he even need to ask. He growled to himself.
"Wesley."
He pressed the button for the elevator but it was already in use. Going down. He carefully scented the elevator shaft and caught the stench of fear. So the traitor thought he could run.
Wesley ran from the elevator to the welcoming darkness outside. If he could just make it to his car, if he...but there lounging indolently against the exit was Angel. His heart contracted in fear.
"How did you..." he stuttered.
Angel looked up the side of the building and said nonchalantly, "I took the short way down."
"You going somewhere, Wes?"
Suddenly he had Wesley pushed up against the side with his neck in a stranglehold.
"Tell me, Human, how many times must I strangle you before you learn not to touch what's mine?" he snarled.
Summary: Angel tries to hide what he's done. Will anyone realise? Can he gain Spike's trust again?
Chapter 4
Trust
Following Cordelia's supernatural appearance and subsequent loss, the general feeling of disbelief began to give way to shocked acceptance. She had crashed through their lives like a tidal wave, sweeping away the bad and leaving calmer water behind her, as well as some collateral damage. It appeared to hit Angel the hardest. He stayed in his room, not answering their calls, only appearing if there was essential business that required his attention.
"Someone should go talk to him." said Gunn.
"But not me." He quickly qualified. "I'm not so hot with the warm vampire fuzzies."
In the end it was Wesley who found himself riding up in the elevator to face the elusive vampire.
Angel appeared remarkably cheerful and Wesley couldn't help commenting on this, in some surprise.
"She gave me the gift of her final day, Wes. It's like, supposing someone gave me...jees, I don't know...say, a perfect miniature ship. It would demean the gift if I started to complain that I wanted the full size version."
Wesley was dumbfounded. Of all reactions he hadn't expected this.
"I am relieved you see it in that light, Angel. To be perfectly frank we were worried about you. It's surprisingly mature of you."
"Uh. Thanks. I think." Angel frowned slightly, as he tried to figure out if he felt complimented or insulted.
"I have to admit that it wasn't my first reaction. I mean at first I was unhappy..."
Which Wesley wisely interpreted as 'devastated'.
"...but, you know, I thought about it..."
'Brooded' Wesley translated,
"...and realised, she came back for a purpose - to put us all on the right track. So, I'm going to make damned sure she achieves it. I owe her that much."
Wesley hoped he wouldn't sound patronising but everyone needed encouragement sometimes.
"Do you know? I feel quite proud of you, Angel."
One side of Angel's mouth twitched as though a smile was trying to force an appearance, succeeded for a microsecond and then gave up, giving it more the appearance of a nervous tic.
"Uh, thanks."
"Anyway," said Wesley feeling more comfortable now he'd got the emotional thing out the way, "how's our patient?"
Angel looked at the floor for a few seconds, and then he lifted his head and smiled brightly.
"He's fine. You know...just Spike. Pain in the ass and all that."
"Yes? Well that's good, he must be feeling a bit better."
"Uh huh. I mean, he hasn't really improved any more since you last saw him."
"Really? And he seemed to be coming on so well, too. May I see him?"
"No! I mean, yes. Yes, of course you can. Except he is sleeping at the moment and I'd rather you didn't wake him."
"In that case I'll leave you to it, I must get back to work anyway. Will you be coming down later?"
"Maybe. I don't like to leave him for long. Can you send someone up from Security, I think we should get a monitor installed in his room."
"I could. But don't you think that is a little excessive? An invasion of his privacy, even?"
"I need to keep an eye on him when I go to my office."
"Ah. Quite. I'll send someone up immediately."
Angel called his thanks as Wes disappeared.
He returned to Spike's room where the blonde vampire was sitting propped up in bed. Angel smiled gently at him but there was no answering one. H e seemed sadder this time around.
"Look. See? Angel's brought you some tasty, delicious blood. Yum."
This brought a spark of interest to his eye.
"Blood" he queried hopefully.
"Yes, blood." Angel replied trying to keep the hurt out of his voice. Spike still didn't know his name.
Spike was trying to use his hands to hold the bag himself, which normally ended up with a messy, frustrated vampire. He was fretful and needed more company to keep him entertained. Angel thought about it. He was now about the same level as when they had all last seen him. Generally more alert and taking an interest in everything around him. Perhaps it would be safe to let them back in.
***
Fred spotted Wesley as he emerged.
"So, how did it go?"
Wesley shook his head but didn't want to speak about it in a public space.
"Can you call Lorne and we'll all meet in Gunn's office. I'll tell you about it then."
Once they had all gathered Wesley went through everything that had been said.
"But that sounds great. Why all the doom and glooms?" Lorne asked.
"Because I've known Angel for years and he is up to something."
"So he's hiding how upset he is over Cordelia. I don't think there's much we can do there. Just give him time, man." Gunn answered.
"No. Actually, I believe him when he spoke about Cordelia. He's sad but he's coming to terms with it as best he can. No it's Spike. He's hardly been down here because he didn't want to leave Spike. And he definitely wasn't keen on letting me see him."
"Angel said he was sleeping," said Fred reasonably.
"Yes, that's what he said. I don't know, perhaps I'm blowing this out of proportion but he never really liked...although I'm sure he would never hurt him. Not when he's in bed, injured and defenceless..."
Yet, for some reason, Wesley was less than certain about this. Sometimes he felt that Angel was capable of a great deal. He would tell himself that he was naturally getting him confused with Angelus, but subconsciously he was convinced that Angel could turn into as much a monster as Angelus ever was.
"Why don't you attempt to see Spike and see what happens?"
***
Later that day, once he'd had a security camera installed and a monitor put on his desk, Angel finally returned to work for a couple of hours. He didn't accomplish much. It was difficult to concentrate when he had to keep looking up every few seconds to make sure his boy was ok.
He knew he was overcompensating. Yes, he had raped Spike's mind, as Cordelia so charmingly put it. But there had been extenuating circumstances. Spike would see that. He would understand. And look at all the care he had now. Nothing else was going to happen to Spike. Not on his watch. So he stayed with Spike, sat with him whilst he slept, talked to him constantly. He'd never opened up to anyone as much as he did to Spike in the last couple of days, although Spike didn't actually understand any of it.
Part of him wished he'd just told Wes outright. He'd nearly admitted what had happened but then Wes had said he was proud of him and he hadn't wanted to lose that. Angel rested his head in his hands and tried not to think anymore. He finally picked up his pen and tried to focus on the document in front of him.
Each of his friends managed to find some excuse to call in to chat. Funny. They were all remarkably determined to see Spike. All of them seemed to have taken a liking to this particular version of him. And he couldn't blame them. It was ok though. He was ready. Maybe some human food to help them relax, put them at their ease, make them less suspicious. Yeah. That would work. He picked up the phone and ordered a takeaway for the evening.
***
Spike lay on the bed, trying to wiggle his fingers. It was exasperating, they wouldn't move and he was fairly certain they were supposed to. He needed to be able to move, it seemed vital that he should be able to walk around like that other person did. He couldn't afford to be so weak, so powerless, so dependent. But he had to pretend. Pretend to know nothing. Give nothing away. Because if he let anything slip something bad would happen.
Angel. That was his name. Sure, Angel appeared to like him. He kept him fed and looked after him. Liked him but as he was now, weak and powerless. So Spike kept his eyes blank, whilst hiding the anxiety he felt whenever Angel was in the room. Sometimes it would threaten to overwhelm him and he'd pull the covers over his head and pretend to be alone.
A word occurred to him. He rolled it around his mouth.
"Trust." He whispered.
That was it. Mustn't trust Angel.
***
Lorne was the first to arrive and had thoughtfully brought along his own alcohol, which he mixed to a concoction of his own devising.
"Guaranteed to bring a smile even to your face, Angelcakes." He said as he poured the colourful liquid into a glass.
Angel sipped it as Lorne looked on expectantly and hoped that his pained grimace was mistaken for a smile. No such luck. Lorne poured himself one and took a careful sip. Hah! Definitely a grimace.
"Mmm. You're right. A bit more Blue Curaco should do the trick."
Angel wasn't fooled. Nothing, short of magic, was going to turn this into anything palatable.
Fred and Wes arrived together, her hand slipped into the crook of his arm.
"Can we go in?" Fred asked.
Angel gave a nod and Fred gave Wesley a 'what was all the fuss about' look. They found him curled up, looking small and vulnerable in the huge bed, provided courtesy of Wolfram and Hart.
"Hey, Spike." Fred said softly.
Strange voices? Spike's eyes shot open. He tried to get a feeling for them.
"Remember me? It's Fred. And this is Wes. We're your friends."
Yes, that was the vibe he was getting. These were friends.
He gave them a tentative smile and felt the full beam of Fred's dazzling grin. He didn't have much time. He could already hear those heavy footsteps coming towards the door. He turned his eyes to the one she'd called Wes.
Wesley could hear Angel and was about to turn towards the door when he was suddenly caught by the intensity of Spike's gaze. His eyes were alert and watchful. Then clearly he saw Spike's mouth form words, no more than a whisper.
The rest of the evening passed in a daze. Nobody seemed to notice how distracted he was. He let nothing show. He watched Spike carefully. Angel was right he hadn't improved, if anything he seemed less himself than ever. He saw he'd caught Angel's attention and smiled nervously at him. He must pay more attention. So when people laughed he joined in, he thought he might even have chipped in with one or two comments.
He ordered a car to take Fred home and made his way to a phone booth. He was fairly certain that his mobile, office and home phones were bugged as a matter of course. He took out a bit of paper and dialled a number.
"Hello. Rupert. Yes, it's me. I'm very well, thank you. I need your advice. I think we may have a problem. Yes. I'm afraid it's Spike..."
Wesley was a troubled man. He hadn't wanted to phone Giles but who else was there? He fell into an uneasy sleep as Spike's "Help me!" echoed distressingly in his head. 'And God help me,' he thought
***
Angel had started to notice something. Spike's behaviour underwent a change when he was watching him on the screen, to when he was actually in the room with him. He asked for backup tapes and played them through. Yes, there Spike was watching television and laughing enthusiastically at something and suddenly his face became tense and closed off. The next second he saw himself entering the room and Spike pretending to sleep. What the hell was going on?
Everything else could wait. They needed to talk.
So here he was sitting uncomfortably in Spike's room, the blonde vampire refusing to make eye contact, wondering how to begin. He was part annoyed. Was pissing him off so inbred that. even when he remembered nothing else, this came to him instinctively? Mostly though, he just felt guilt. No change there then.
Ok. He needed to start talking.
"I know you can understand me, Spike."
This caused him to turn his head away. Right. Good start, Angel.
"You know I want to see you get better, don't you."
He thought he heard a slight snort.
"What? You don't believe me?"
No reaction.
"Why wouldn't I want to see you get better? Tell me. What's going on in that warped little mind of yours?"
"You like me better like this." Came the soft reply.
So Spike could speak. He knew it!
"No. That's not true." Angel replied.
Spike turned and looked at him, eyes filled with disbelief.
"Well. Yeah. Maybe it is. But that's not the issue. It's not about me. It's about getting you well. I want to see you well."
Spike looked doubtful.
"Look. What exactly do you remember and I'll try to explain."
"Don't remember anything."
"There must be something. Why are you treating me like this?"
"Dunno. Just a feeling. You want me to stay like this. If I don't you'll..."
"I'll what? What do you think I'll do to you?" Then it hit him like a punch in the face. "You're afraid of me."
"I can't feed myself. I'm helpless. And I'm dependent on you. I don't even know myself, never mind you." Spike murmured defensively, trying to divert any resulting wrath.
Angel didn't look angry, just rather sad.
"Would it help if I told you a bit about what's happened?"
Spike nodded.
"We're vampires."
Again he nodded. Now that he heard the words, he found that he already knew that.
"So. I kill people." He said sadly.
"Did you feel like killing Gunn or Wesley or Fred last night?"
"No." he replied in a puzzled voice. "No. I didn't."
"You don't kill people. Not any more. You went out and won yourself a soul. You're good."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. I'm sure."
"You're a vampire?" He asked and Angel nodded. "Do you kill people?"
"No."
"Well, not usually." He qualified. "I have a soul."
"You went and got one, too?"
"Well, actually, I got mine first." For some reason, it was important that he was clear on this point. He was the original, souled vampire.
"I didn't win it though. I was cursed with it." He admitted. "So, any more questions?"
"You'll tell me the truth if I ask?"
"Promise. The truth, as far as I know it."
"Huh. Are there many of us?"
"Souled vampires? We're the only two I know of."
"Why can't I remember?"
"We set up a spell, if one of us says the word then you forget." Spike's answering look was filled with suspicion.
"You needed it, Spike. Both of us have done stuff in the past. I've had a stint in hell and one hundred years to help me come to terms with it. But it's still all too new to you. Then you got badly hurt." He gestured to the bandaged wrists. "We thought we were going to lose you. This was the only way we could think of to help you."
"Did I agree?"
"Yeah..."
"Then why don't I trust you?"
And here it was. He'd wanted to know why Spike didn't trust him, now he had to put himself in Spike's position and try to come up with a reason. He started to think about it and...oh...where the hell to start.
"It's complicated." He said.
"Yeah? Well, explain it to me, real slow, then."
"Ok." Angel resigned himself to it. After all he had promised. "Starting with most recently. I...uh accidentally made you lose your memory again."
"So this word that makes me forget, it could accidentally slip out in casual conversation?"
"No...not exactly. I was upset...I wasn't thinking...but you called me a poof!" Angel said indignantly. Spike's lips twitched.
"Yeah? Now that you mention it, I look at you and that's what springs to mind." Angel looked horrified.
"Nah. I mean, like a name, a title. Do I normally call you Angel?"
Shake of his head.
"Then what do I normally call you?"
"Whatever springs to mind. Peaches, Wanker, Poof." Angel admitted.
"There we are then. I didn't mean anything by it. It's almost like a pet name, a term of endearment, ain't it?"
Then he laughed. "We don't like each other much, do we?"
Another shake of his head.
"So you were upset. You came to me. I called you a name that reminded you that we weren't the best of pals. You wanted the more pliable me back and made me forget?"
Nod of the head.
"So that's why I've been trying to hide any sign of return to my old self. Cus you might suddenly decide for me again and take it all away."
"Perhaps." Nothing changes, Angel thought. Trust Spike to always see to the heart of things.
"Well, are you? Are you going to take it away again? I can't stop you. Are you going to keep me like this forever?"
"No. Of course not!" Angel denied. "Look. I am sorry. I was sorry as soon I'd done it, but it was too late then. Just give me a chance, Spike. I'll make it up to you."
"So that's the 'most recently' taken care of. What else have you done to me?"
"Hey. Its not all one sided you know! Do hot pokers and needle nosed pliers ring any bells with you?"
Spike raised an eyebrow and Angel looked away.
"Well, no. Obviously not. Well...like I said it's complicated."
Oh, there goes that eyebrow again. There was no getting out of this.
"Well the memory slip up might have been compounded by the fact that you've been helpless before."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. Broken back. Wheelchair."
"And you what? Looked after me? Cared for me?"
"I'd lost my soul."
"Right." Spike just looked resigned. "I don't want a catalogue of things you did to me. Just tell me the worst."
"Haven't we had enough honesty for one day." Angel asked awkwardly. Spike just continued to look at him. Ok, deep breath and get it over with.
"I took Dru away from you. My childe. Your sire. You loved her. You'd been together for over 100 years."
"She left me? After all that time? For you?"
"It's the way I made her. She can't help it. She'll always be looking for her Daddy, no matter what you or I do."
"Why did she stay so long with me, if she wanted you?"
"Not me. The unsouled me. Angelus. When I got my soul you were her only connection to him. You became a sort of substitute, I guess."
Oh no. He could have phrased that better.
"You're right. Enough honesty for one day."
Angel saw how upset he had become.
"She did care for you, you know."
"I'm hungry."
He knew Spike in this mood. He'd had enough and wasn't going to hear any more.
"I'll heat you up some blood."
"I want proper food."
"Proper?"
"Yeah. I found a couple of these in the bed." He held up a Cheezy Puff. "I want some of these."
***
Wesley was a few minutes early but finally the phone rang. He stepped into the booth, answered it and listened carefully. He sighed in relief.
"I should have thought of that. Thank you for your help, Rupert. It is very much appreciated and hopefully you won't be hearing from me again for a while. Goodbye."
Angel obviously cared for Spike and Wesley wanted to trust him. Giles had eventually agreed that it was probably a one off mistake brought on by Cordelia's death. Even so they decided to take precautions.
He went to a small locked room, deep within the Wolfram and Hart vaults. Three crystals glowed within a pentagon. Wesley didn't want to dismantle the spell. Instead, he carefully surrounded it with a thick circle of white powder, muttering an incantation as he did so. When that was complete he picked up the smallest crystal, put it in his shirt pocket and left.
***
Angel really didn't want to go. He'd had a great day following his chat with Spike. He'd sat on the bed and fed him those awful snack things. He'd tried one himself and shot off the bed retching and holding his throat. Despite the cold blood he'd gulped down he could still taste the chemicals and processed corn. Spike had found his reaction hysterical and called him a drama queen.
Spike had tried to pick them out of the bag by himself and discovered he did have some slight movement in his fingers but unfortunately no feeling, so he ended up either dropping or crushing them. Angel had an idea and came in with some brightly coloured rattles.
"I've still got these."
Spike's look could have withered fresh, green grass.
"They might help. You know...you can practise you grip."
"Angel?"
"Yeah?"
"How old am I?
"Huh? What in vampire years?"
"No. In frigging dog years. What do you think!" Spike griped.
"Well Jees! No need to bite my head off. I thought you might want to include your human years. Lets think...1880...ok, about 124."
"Riight that's 124 years. Not 4 sodding months!"
"Alright! I just thought they might help."
Spike rolled his eyes.
"Where did you get these, anyway? You been stealing from babies? Thought you were good now?"
Angel considered for a minute and then made a decision.
"They're all that's left of my time with Connor."
He waited for Spike to ask.
"Connor?"
"Yeah. My son."
He spent the rest of the afternoon pouring out his heart to Spike, right up to the deal he'd made with Wolfram and Hart.
"When I went to the room that used to be his all that was left were these, lying in the dust." Angel finished.
"I'm sorry, luv."
"It's okay. These things happen." Oh God, he could feel himself choking.
"Yeah. Right. 'These things happen'. 'Life goes on'. 'Things will look better in the morning'." Spike quoted. "You don't need to pull all that crap with me."
He saw Angel's face. "Christ! C'mere."
He pulled him roughly to his shoulder.
"You don't always have to pretend that everything is ok. Not here anyway."
Angel allowed himself to relax into Spike's shoulder.
Spike tried to pat him comfortingly. Given his returning strength and complete absence of feeling in his hands, this affectionate patting felt remarkably like being hit around the head with a shovel. Angel wriggled away from the 'comfort'.
"Yeah. Cheers Spike. I feel much better now."
He looked at Spike's confused face.
"You did that on purpose, didn't you?"
Spike gave a grin.
"Git."
"Yeah, well. That'll teach you to brood."
"I was not brooding..." Oh honestly. What was the point.
Then his phone had started to ring. He had an appointment. Really couldn't be missed. Blah, blah, blah.
He called Fred and asked her to baby sit. Luckily he didn't catch the expression on Spike's face. In the end both Fred and Wes said they would come up.
"They've been spending a lot of time together lately." He said to Spike.
"Are you stupid?"
"I'm sorry?"
"I've only seen them for a couple of hours and any idiot can see they're in love."
"Really?"
"Honestly, Angel. Just take your swirly coat and big sword and go save the day."
"I wish I could. Instead I have to skank around some self-important demon. They'll be up in a moment. You've got my bleeper if you need me?"
"Yeah. Stop being such a mother hen and just go will you."
Spike settled back down to sleep
***
Angel looked at his bleeper. Spike? It stopped and he sighed in relief. Then it started again.
He didn't even make his apologies but swept out of the building and began to run like the wind back to his car.
Ok. There was only one way into the penthouse so he'd have to take it. The elevator doors opened.
"Hello, Angel."
Oh. He knew that voice and it wasn't good.
"Stand down, Lawson."
"Sorry chief. Can't do that."
"What do you want?"
"Same thing everyone wants, I guess. To understand. To have a mission. Used to be simpler in those days didn't it? On the submarine. Didn't need to understand, there was only the mission."
"What do you want from me?"
"Just what I'm getting? The fear in your eyes, as you wonder if they're still alive. Well? Why don't you go in and look?"
Angel pushed open the door to Spike's room fearful of what he might see. Fred, Wesley and Spike were tied to chairs. They looked unhurt. Except that each of them had their heads thrown back at an awkward angle. He was about to rush towards them but found Lawson between him and his friends. He raised his hand to push him out of the way.
"I wouldn't try rough housing if I was you, chief. That's piano wire around their necks. One tumble and it's..." he made a cutting sound as he drew a line across the front of his throat. "Apart from Spike, of course, who will simply poof into nothing."
Angel was growing coldly angry but this vampire in front of him was right. He wasn't going to risk harming them. He decided the safest thing was to just let Lawson talk.
"So you kept Spike. Yet you turned me and sent me away. There I was, no mission, no purpose, you left me with nothing. Why did you do that? I so was lost, I did all the things I thought might bring me peace. All the terrible things that a monster does—murdered women and children, tortured fathers and husbands just to hear them scream—and through it all... I felt nothing. 60 years of blood drying in my throat like ashes. So what do you think? Is it me, chief? Or does everyone you sired feel this way?"
"You're the only one I ever did this to...after I got a soul." Angel replied.
"Do I have one, too?"
"I don't think it works that way."
"You gave me just enough, didn't you? Enough of your soul to keep me trapped between who I was and who I should be. I'm nothing...because of you. And if I kill Spike and these humans it won't make things better but it would hurt you and maybe that's enough of a mission."
Angel had listened enough. He picked the other man up and threw him away from Spike and his humans. Lawson crashed into a wooden framed mirror, jumped swiftly to his feet, tearing a piece of the broken frame away. Angel flew towards him and smashed a fist into his face. Lawson reeled with the blow, recovered quickly, and struck out with his bit of wood. Angel caught the movement and turned it back so the wooden fragment was now travelling inexorably towards the younger vampire's heart.
"Come on chief, give me my mission." Lawson invited.
Angel pushed it in and closed his eyes to keep out the dust.
He carefully released each of them in turn.
"You know, Angel? He really was the most peculiar vampire. It's most fascinating, supposing he did have a soul?"
"I find myself overwhelmed with the not caring." Angel answered. He looked at Spike.
"No one messes with..." he just managed to prevent himself from saying 'what's mine' changing it to "...my friends."
"But that could have been Spike only a year ago. He seemed so close to finding something."
Angel looked at him. How could he put it so Wes would understand? He didn't give a damn as long as Spike himself was safe.
"Wes, I understand what you're saying but I was in the middle of a situation and I wasn't going to risk any of you. Frankly, I don't give a damn. If anyone hurts you," he gave a quick glance towards Spike, "I'll kill them."
He was so matter fact it made Wesley shudder. Fred, however was giving Angel a quick hug.
"Thank you. I knew we could trust you to come to our rescue."
Spike was curiously quiet and Angel put it down to shock. Once the other two had left he tried to help Spike back to the bed.
"S'okay, I can manage to totter that far."
"So...you alright?"
"Don't like being so sodding helpless that's all."
Angel sat on the bed next to him and cradled him kissing him gently on the head.
"Don't worry littl'un. You're getting stronger all the time. Just go to sleep."
"Don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight."
"Do you want some hot milk? I've heard that it's a soporific, it might help?"
"Angel."
"Yeah."
"I'm leaving."
"What?" he started to laugh. "Don't be an idiot, you're not strong enough to go anywhere."
"Ok. Soon as I'm strong enough, I'm leaving."
"But...I like having you here!"
"Why? You got big plans for me have you? Decided what university you want me to go to? Shall we go fly a kite? Perhaps we can play model railways?"
"What the hell is this?"
"Who am I, Angel?"
Angel looked at him fondly.
"You're my boy. My child."
"I am a 124 year old vampire."
"Yeah. That too."
"I am not Connor."
"I never said you were."
"I do not play with rattles, I do not need baby sitters and I do not drink warm milk."
"I never..."
"Yeah, Angel. You did. And it sounds like I've already wasted a hundred years being a poor substitute for someone else. It's not going to happen again."
"You're not a substitute!"
"I suppose I can count myself lucky that you at least remembered to feed me blood instead of bottles of formula milk."
"Don't be so melodramatic, Spike. You are not a substitute and you are not leaving, That's final."
"Is that right? Daddy. You don't own me, you know."
Angel suddenly seemed to deflate.
"No I don't. No more than you own me. But don't go Spike. I can make this right again. I can fix it."
"No, Angel you can't. Thing is I want this. I want to be here...with you. Its too tempting. That's why I have to go."
"Well that made no frigging sense at all. Just go back to bed, Spike."
"And you say you don't handle me like a human child! Bloody hell, Angel! What do I have to do to make you see, how you're treating me?"
"Is it so bad?"
"I need to be loved for myself, not as a reflection of someone else. You haven't really been considering me in all this, have you?"
"Of course I have. Every thought I have I relate back to you. I'm fighting and wishing you were there to help me, or laughing and thinking how much it would amuse you!" Angel felt so frustrated. It was as though Spike had already made up his mind and wasn't really hearing what he was saying.
"Don't leave me, Spike."
"I have to. You know, I think I know why the old me hated you."
"Go on."
"Because if I let myself love you, it would break me when you let me down."
"What makes you think I'd let you down?"
"I just get the impression that you always do."
"You're not going to leave me Spike. I'll prove that I think of you as yourself, as an equal and as a vampire."
"I'm leaving."
"Why won't you listen! Give me one last chance, please? Trust me?"
"Trust you!"
"You are not going to leave me, Spike."
"Really? And how do you plan to stop me. I just make a call and Wes or Fred or Gunn would get me away from here."
Angel's eyes gleamed and Spike suddenly caught on.
"You sodding well dare! You do not have my permission."
Angel shook his head and gave his pleading puppy dog look.
"Just one last time, Spike. Let me put it right. I promise to get it right this time."
"Don't do it, Angel. For your sake as well as mine."
Just a shake of the head.
Followed by a single solitary word.
"See. I had to do it, Spike. I can't lose you now. I promise I'll remember you're a vampire this time but you'll always be my childe. So feed, childe."
He gouged his neck over the main artery and brought Spike towards it. He smiled as Spike automatically vamped out, just like the first time with the blood bag. He felt his lips on the wound and then the rush as Spike sucked down Sire blood.
"I'm sorry. You're right I forgot what you were. I should have done this right from the start. Drink deep. It will help you heal."
***
Wesley felt a slight warmth in his shirt pocket. He took out the crystal and regarded it with apprehension. He prayed there had been a mistake as he raced down to the vault. The powder circle was still intact but it had been distorted as though swept out of shape by a draught or a breeze. He could feel the tension stiffening his shoulders and making his neck ache. He walked slowly to the telephone booth and made the call he'd hoped that he'd never have make.
"Rupert. It's happened." He hung up and went back to his office to wait.
***
Spike seemed very wakeful and restless even hours after feeding.
"You can't sleep? It's the blood. It's given you energy. Do you want me to put you to sleep, vampire fashion?"
Spike just stared back at him and Angel sighed.
"Its ok Spike, however it turns out this time, I promise, I'll never do it again. I'll dismantle the damned spell tomorrow."
It was almost as if Spike understood. He relaxed slightly and his head dropped to one side, exposing his neck.
"Are you sure about this, I mean a nice glass of milk might do the trick."
Spike's look seemed to so clearly say 'wanker' that Angel started to laugh.
"Ok. Trust me, Spike. I'll look after you. I'm not going to hurt you and I'm not going to let you go. So sleep. Vampire style."
He nuzzled into Spike's neck and delicately pierced the skin. It tasted so good. It danced on his tongue and enervated every cell. This is what he'd been missing all those years. Then too his amazement he could feel the old bond open up, the blood link. He had forgotten about this. It had been so long since he'd shared blood with family. He knew what Spike was feeling and it was happiness...contentment. This went beyond his wildest dreams, it was bliss, it was beyond words. He was beginning to believe that he could make this work. He stroked a hand through Spike's hair and let the blood flow down his throat, teasing the wound to keep it open, until he finally felt Spike's limbs grow heavy and relaxed. He licked the wound to staunch the flow of blood and was so distracted that he didn't hear the door open behind him. The next minute his world went black.
When Angel swam back to consciousness, he was still lying on Spike's bed.
Spike was gone.
His boy was gone.
Angel let out a howl of anguish.
***
Wesley heard the howl even down in his office, where he'd been sitting, alone and apprehensive. Once Spike was safe he was supposed to go up to Angel and talk to him reasonably. After all Angel was good, Angel was reasonable, he'd never hurt his friends. Wesley realised he'd made a huge miscalculation, anyone who laid a finger on Spike was no longer a friend. Angel was fiercely possessive. He remembered how he'd reacted when Lawson had threatened them. Suddenly Wesley was very, very afraid. His heart was racing and he knew with the certainty of a hunted animal that he needed to get away.
***
Who would take his childe away? Who would do that? Hell did he even need to ask. He growled to himself.
"Wesley."
He pressed the button for the elevator but it was already in use. Going down. He carefully scented the elevator shaft and caught the stench of fear. So the traitor thought he could run.
Wesley ran from the elevator to the welcoming darkness outside. If he could just make it to his car, if he...but there lounging indolently against the exit was Angel. His heart contracted in fear.
"How did you..." he stuttered.
Angel looked up the side of the building and said nonchalantly, "I took the short way down."
"You going somewhere, Wes?"
Suddenly he had Wesley pushed up against the side with his neck in a stranglehold.
"Tell me, Human, how many times must I strangle you before you learn not to touch what's mine?" he snarled.