Disclaimer: Nope, still not mine. Joss's and ME's. Hope they don't mind me playing with them.
Summary: Buffy returns, choices are made and everything changes.
Chapter 7
Choices
"So how have you been?" Buffy enquired brightly.
"Oh. I'm fine. This is a surprise. A pleasant surprise, I might add. You look well."
"Thank you Giles, but I've been travelling for over..." she looked at her watch, "sixteen hours and I look like Aileen Wuornos on a bad day."
Giles smiled.
"You just look a little tired that's all. Why don't you shower and I'll get a bed made up. I'm sure you'll be feeling jet lagged."
She tilted her head to one side, in a way that reminded Giles of Spike. He suddenly had the urge to be seated. Dear lord. Spike. And Buffy.
"Don't you want to know what I'm doing here?"
"Yes. Of course. Is there a problem?"
"I received a call a couple of days ago. Have you got anything to tell me?"
"Well naturally...we have a lot to catch up on." He removed his glasses and fiddled nervously with them. "You were telling me about a telephone call?"
"Yes, that's right. I was wasn't I?" She looked at Giles with clear hazel eyes.
"When were you going to tell me that the rules had changed?"
"Rules?"
"Giles. This is me."
"I'm sorry, Buffy. Tell me what you know and I'll fill in the blanks."
Buffy sat down opposite him.
"It was an anonymous phone call, a girl. She told me I might be interested in who's currently training the slayers in LA. When I asked, she said, 'let's just say he has a soul.' I rang here and spoke to Andrew. Do you know what he said?"
"I can honestly say I have no idea." Giles replied with a shake of his head.
"He said that he was sworn to secrecy and refused to say another word. Well, except for his normal ramble."
"I'm sorry you had to find out this way."
"We agreed, Giles. He's untrustworthy, an unknown factor and it would be best just to keep the new slayers away from him. I can't believe you went behind my back like this. I mean, feel the trust here?"
Giles frowned.
"We're talking about...Angel?"
"Yes, we're talking about Angel! Who else? Gee, Giles, get with the script."
Giles gave the basement door an anxious glance. Buffy caught it.
"He's here, isn't he? You've actually started handing out our addresses to evil law firms and their employees?"
"Buffy..."
"No, Giles." He recognised the determined look and the slight frown.
"Please..."
But she was already on her feet and wrenching at the door handle. Locked. She tried again.
And heard an angry voice.
"If that is one of you sodding slayer bints will you just go away. Not interested, yeah?"
Her hand froze on the handle and she looked towards Giles.
"Who have you got locked in the basement."
"Locked in...? Its not how it appears, Buffy."
She gave him a contemptuous look, stepped back from the door, raised a leg and kicked it in.
"What the bloody hell..."
He looked up the stairs at the small figure, framed by the doorway. The light was behind her and he couldn't quite make out...oh.
"Buffy?"
She turned away, brushed past Giles without seeing him and into the sunlit yard. She found a secluded spot and allowed her legs to collapse beneath her.
Angel felt the sudden storm of emotion. It was confusion. It was pain, hurt, fear, affection, love. It was hope. What was happening now? He nearly jumped into his car straight away but he couldn't sense danger. Stupid. It would be stupid going to the slayer house in broad daylight. This evening, at the first sign of dusk, he'd go then and find out what was now threatening their uneasy status quo.
Gunn was sitting in his office, also perturbed, he was mulling over a call from Spike. They had never really had much to do with each other, he'd been the butt of the vampire's strange brand of humour a few times but other than that. Zilch. Then in the middle of the night he'd been awoken by the insistent ringing of the telephone.
"Is that you?"
"Yeah, it's me. I mean its Gunn. Who is this?"
"Who the bloody hell do you think?"
English, deeper voice than Wesley.
"Spike?" He'd asked blearily.
"Got it in one, Einstein."
"If this is your idea of a joke..."
"Of course not! My jokes are far more amusing than this." He sounded offended.
"So what's so important that you wake me at...3 o' clock in the morning?"
"I had a dream...maybe a nightmare..."
"You have to be kidding me. You're calling me in the middle of the night because you had a bad dream? Look I'm sorry, but call Angel. You're his kid."
"I am not his sodding kid! And will you listen. I had a dream. I dreamt that you signed a piece of paper and killed Fred."
"What are you getting at Spike? I would never harm Fred. She's one of the best people I know."
"You didn't know what would happen. You signed it. This sarcophagus relic thingy arrives and it kills Fred. We can't save her, we can't bring her back."
"Spike have you had premonitions before."
"No. That was always Dru's thing."
"You've had a bad dream, Spike. I'm not going to kill Fred."
"Yeah. Ok. But remember, you have choices. And a few years at law school would give you the intellectual kudos you want. Anyway, if anyone asks you to sign something, read it carefully first, yeah?"
"Ok, Spike. Whatever you want. Can I go back to sleep now?"
"Wanker."
That had been the end of the conversation and he'd fallen back to sleep and by morning had virtually forgotten all about it.
Oh shit. How could he have forgotten?
He'd finally given in and gone to see a man about an implant. He'd nearly walked away when he heard the terms. But he hadn't. He'd signed the form to allow something through customs. He'd been fully aware that it was sure to be a bad thing but decided once he'd got his smarts secured he'd deal with it then. He'd forgotten Spike's warning.
It was only now that the odd conversation was coming back to him. Surely a coincidence? Spike had a bad dream, probably drank some bad blood. But the icy hand that clenched at his gut told him otherwise.
The slayers had gathered in the exercise room. Chris turned to the blonde girl.
"Honestly, Kirst. How could you be so stupid?"
The other girl shrugged.
"You know what Andrew said, he's in love with Buffy. He's not going to take the first girl who throw's herself at him. He's not like the geeky boys we know."
"I know that! Why do you think I love him? God. Have you actually looked at him?" She shivered and closed her eyes.
"Yeah but he's...Spike. Did you really think that he'd..."?
"He might have. He's not a monk or anything is he?"
"No, but he wouldn't take advantage of young girls either. You shouldn't have done it. Supposing he won't teach us anymore?"
"Of course he will. We're his. He said so. Didn't it make your knees turn to water when he said we were his? Anyway, Neesha shouldn't have phoned Buffy, either."
An Asian girl looked up and sighed.
"I know but he looks so sad sometimes. I wanted to do something for him. Make him happy."
"Well, so did I! You've got it as bad as me, making cow eyes at him all the time."
"There's no point arguing, what's done is done." Chris peeked out. "Oh. She's kicked the door in. You know I hope she doesn't find out about you, Kirsty, trying to seduce her vamp. She's wicked strong."
She closed the door quietly.
"So did you see him...naked?"
Kirsty lowered her eyes and then looked up slyly through her eyelashes.
"Oh yeah."
"How could you have? It's pitch black down there." Neesha asked and despite her doubt moved closer to hear more.
"He was asleep on the bed, the covers half thrown back. Moonlight came through that small window and illuminated him. Every dip and plain and muscle."
The other girls held their breath.
"If you'd seen him you would have risked the wrath of Buffy. I'm talking two words here. Greek. God."
"Then what happened?"
"He woke up. Wrapped himself in a sheet and asked me what the hell I was doing there and called me a dozy bint."
The others sniggered.
"How embarrassing!"
"What did you say?"
"Told him I took a wrong turning and made a run for it!"
They laughed.
"Oh don't worry, he'll just think you're insane."
"Don't care. It was worth every second."
"Buffy? Are you alright?" Giles touched her gently on the shoulder. "I realise it's a shock."
She turned large watery eyes to his.
"How can this be?"
"I don't know."
"You should have told me, Giles."
"I know."
"Did Willow...?"
"No. Not Willow."
"Is he alright? Is he hurting?"
"He's as he was."
"That can't be true. If it is, why hasn't he come to find me?"
"Maybe he is different, I don't think he knows exactly who he is."
"Californian claptrap. That's what he'd say to that."
"Perhaps he would. It doesn't make it any less true. Are you going to talk to him?"
"I...I don't know how."
"If it makes you feel any better I think he's feeling the same way. If he wasn't trapped by the daylight he'd probably run."
"He doesn't want to see me?" Her bottom lip trembled slightly.
"He wants it more than anything else in the world. It's just a little overwhelming."
"He's overwhelmed? I nearly died of shock. I don't know whether to laugh or cry."
"Come on. Let's go in and drag him out of hiding."
"Hiding? Spike's not afraid of anything."
Giles proffered a tissue. She dried her eyes and dabbed at her nose.
"I must look a wreck."
Giles looked at her tired face and red-rimmed eyes.
"You look beautiful, Buffy."
"You're a liar, Giles and a good one. When did you get to be such a good liar?"
"Just one of my many hidden talents."
She smiled at him.
"By the way, did I tell you it's good to see you, too?"
He laughed and pulled her into a hug.
"But don't think you're forgiven for deceiving me."
She talked bravely in front of Giles but now here she was stepping back into the house. She could make out a figure standing in the shadows. She concentrated on breathing but as he turned to face her, breath left her.
"Buffy."
"Spike."
"It's been a while."
"Two hundred and seventy-three days, eighteen hours." She replied.
"No minutes?"
"The world was falling apart and I forgot to look at my watch."
"Huh."
This felt too strange, too stilted.
"Can I touch? I mean...you. Can I touch you?" She asked.
"Buffy..." How could one word hold so much expression, so much feeling? It was just a name.
She hugged him and tried to stop her brimming eyes from dampening his shirt. He stroked her hair.
"It's alright, luv, Buffy. It's alright." He smoothed her hair soothingly.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She whispered.
"You know, I did the big hero finale thing, went out in a blaze of glory. Left you with one good memory of me being all self-sacrificing and noble. Spoils the effect when I suddenly pop back up again. Bit of an anticlimax isn't it? Went out a hero, come back as Spike."
Buffy pulled back.
"You can be a real dumb ass sometimes."
Spike smiled at her.
"What?" She asked.
"Everyone has been treating me like glass lately. You never do that."
He wished he could take back the words because now she was looking pained. This was everything he feared. Stilted conversations and every word stirring bad memories. He sat down on the couch and Buffy perched next too him.
"What have you been doing?" He finally asked.
"It's been amazing. I read a book and it didn't mention viscera once. I thought books like that were a myth but obviously I was mythtaken."
Spike raised a brow in mock surprise.
"You can read, as well?"
"Sure, I mean obviously the non-demony words I have to sound out loud, like d-o-g. But I persevere."
"So life is good?"
"Better than I ever dreamt it could be for me. I've been touring around Europe."
"Yeah? What did you think?"
"It's like Disneyland. Except real...did that make sense?"
"So that's what two thousand years of European culture has been reduced to?" Spike teased.
Buffy pouted and considered.
"It can be pretty awesome. They have castles and palaces. I can touch a wall and know that stone was placed there a thousand years ago."
Spike shrugged.
"As you get older you become less impressed with old thing. I haven't been to the old country for a while."
"I visited London." Her eyes held a faraway look.
"Yeah?"
"Uh huh. I'd walk the streets and wonder if you had walked there once. Everyone spoke a little like you. I had to leave."
"Don't romanticise it Buffy. It was my hunting ground."
"You were human once. I imagined you still human, walking in the autumn sun."
"Yeah, well. It was all smog in those days and I'm as far removed from that man as the moon is from the sun."
"Maybe you're not that man, but you are still a man. A good man."
Spike said nothing.
"I'm sure the other slayers have noticed you're a man...and are you blushing?"
"Vampires don't blush."
"Oh I get it! What was it you shouted when I first tried to get into your room? Something about telling the 'slayer bints' to go away? And why exactly was it locked? Poor Spike being hounded by teenaged girls." She teased.
"Seriously Buffy, there's something very wrong with them."
"Well, it's obviously not their eyes. For someone who's a smouldering pile of dust," her eyes teared up slightly, "you're looking good."
She blinked and smiled at him.
"So how is it working out for you? You being all teachery?"
"Don't know really, haven't been doing it long. They've got the moves but then when we're faced with a big ugly, they don't apply what they've learnt."
"Have any of them got hurt?"
"Not yet. So far I've always managed to step in."
"Uh huh."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"They're dependent on you. If things aren't going right, instead of recovering, they're giving up and letting you do the biz. Seen it before with the potentials and some of the groups I've helped since."
"I suppose." Spike said reluctantly.
"Come on, Spike, just say, 'you're right Buffy'. Admit it like a man."
"I would. But my tongue is incapable of producing those sounds."
"Really? And can you say 'Spike is a complete dork?'" She asked thrusting out her chin.
"Hey!"
They looked around to find Andrew coming towards them.
"You shouldn't talk like that to him any more. He's one of us now. Except, you know, way cooler."
Buffy stared him down.
"No way is that bleach head cooler then me."
"Well....no." Andrew backtracked quickly. Even though he was now 85% more manly than he used to be, Buffy could still make him a little nervous. "Obviously I didn't mean cooler than you. Uh...I won't disturb you...I'm sure you want to...talk."
Spike gave her a slight grin.
"You enjoyed that didn't you?"
"Oh yeah!"
"You've changed. More relaxed...younger. You reminded me of the Bit for a second."
"I guess. I spent seven years fighting for my life on a nightly basis. Seven years when I should have been just hanging in the mall with my friends, listening to music in my room, worrying about how fashionable I was, making moon eyes over the nice looking boy in the next grade."
"You noticed a nice looking boy in the next grade?"
"No, but I should have. All the stupid, childish, growing up things I should have been doing. Where every decision should feel like life and death, not literally be life and death. Now my expiry date is the same as everyone else's. I can have a life, I can afford to make stupid mistakes and when I'm done with that I'll think about a husband, some kids, a dog..." She frowned slightly. "...or maybe a cat. The point is I have time, I can make plans or I can just do nothing. The world won't end if I do nothing."
Spike felt this speech as both a stab of pleasure and pain. Of course she would want children. And he'd always known that he wasn't one. He could never be the long haul guy. Now she had a chance of a real life.
"I'm happy for you, Buffy."
She caught his eye.
"It's down to you, Spike. Everyday I remembered you."
"Buff..."
"No, Spike. Everyday I remembered you and wished I'd taken the time to make you understand. I wasn't lying, when I said that I loved you."
"There's no need..."
"Would you be quiet and listen."
"Yes, 'Giles'."
Buffy gave him a hard look but deigned not to reply.
"I've had time to think in the last year. We've done so much to each other. We've both been monsters, we can't change it, can't take those memories away. But I can accept that you are not that man. You don't change your name when you change between your unsouled and souled state so I think we forget that there is a difference between the two...uh...perhaps you should change your name?" She considered this for a second before getting back on track.
"Anyway, I hope you know that I've changed too, I can hardly bear to think of how I treated you. There was nothing good between us. It was wrong for us both."
She saw him hang his head slightly and said gently, "Yet some good came out of it."
He looked up in confusion.
"What are you trying to say?"
"You made me feel alive. You brought me back to life. I wouldn't have survived that dark time without you. Maybe what we did was wrong but because of you I survived. And I know it was bad for you too. Hurt you. But in the end you got your soul because of it. Of your own free will. You got your soul. Do you know how special that makes you?"
"Then you became a champion and your sacrifice not only saved the world, saved my life. It also helped to give me a life worth living."
"There's many different ways of loving, I know that now. It's not always about one person for life. I'm not in love with you. That's almost too shallow for the way I feel. You're inside me, part of me, family. I love you."
It must be his soul making him such a wuss. He could feel the tears forming and blinked them harshly back."
"I'd do it again, for you. Anything you want."
"I know. I can trust you with anything. And you can trust me. If you need me, I'll be there."
"I already know it. You came for me when the First had me. I believed in you and you came for me. How can I not love you?"
She settled her head comfortably on his shoulder and let her eyes close as jet lag caught up with even her slayer stamina.
Once she was fast asleep, Spike gently lowered her on to the couch and covered her with a duvet.
He went about his normal routine. Training in the morning, playing his video games...occupational therapy, he quickly corrected himself, he did not play nerdy video games. And some quiet time away from the general bustle of the house. Giles had caught him at one point, obviously curious.
"Is she alright? I mean, are you both alright?"
"It's s'okay, Rupert. We met and the world didn't end."
"Can I really trust you?"
Spike just looked at him.
"Of course. Sorry."
The slayers had been unusually quiet during training. He'd ignored any tension and got on with it. They soon settled down and followed his lead. Since talking to Buffy about the slayers he had been thinking. He was used to fighting alone and that's what he had been passing on to the slayers. What they really needed was to gel as a team and be more aware of each other. He organised them into pairs to introduce them to the buddy system.
"When you're in the middle of a fight it's difficult to keep track of everyone, so this is the way you do it. You each have your partners, when you fight, you fight together. Always be aware of your partner and what she's doing. I know up until now I've always stepped in when you're getting your ass kicked. From now on it won't be me. It will be your buddy."
He looked at them seriously.
"Tonight you're going to take out a nest. These are different to the ones we've taken earlier. They are not all fledges, with the dirt of the grave hanging on them. They're older and more experienced. And I won't be there."
There was a slight stir in the room.
"So today you're training for real."
There was a new level of concentration. He made himself the target and let each pair take him on in turn, teaching them moves and counter moves at speeds the normal eye could hardly follow. When he realised that they were exhausted he called a halt and took them through their cool down. He tended to think of it as their wind down, they were always buzzing after training and needed to be brought back to an even keel.
"That's it then. You bints are by yourselves tonight. Later on Giles will give you directions to the nest. For those of you have no sense of direction," he looked at Kirsty, "I suggest you stick close to your friends. I'll see you tonight after the mission."
Once he had gone they collapsed on the to the floor.
"It's your fault, Kirsty. He's cross with you and now he's sending us out alone."
"Don't be stupid. Spike wouldn't let us go out if he thought we were going to end up dead. He think's we're ready that's all."
"Probably wants to spend some time with his Buffy, so he's getting rid of the kids for the night."
"We're not kids."
"We are to him. He's so old."
"Must be lonely not having anyone his age to talk to. You know...about old things. Horse and carts and wattle and daub houses."
"Don't think he's that's old, sweetie. Maybe the industrial revolution."
"Doubt if he even noticed stuff like that...you know, back then. He'd have been all blood and fangs not much interested in the latest techniques being used down at the mill."
"They're just animals."
"Some of the older ones have more to them, a personality."
"Yeah, but they're still evil."
"Except Spike. He went and got a soul."
"I had a slayer dream . About Spike. It was the New York slayer." Erica admitted.
"What happened?"
"He was a punk. Spiked hair, ripped T-shirt, piercings, eye liner. They met and fought, but it felt almost as though they were playing...dancing. He respected her, admired her, there was lust in his eyes and she knew he had come for her. It was as if he was courting her. He wanted no one else, only her."
"He was beautiful and deadly. She resisted him the first time they met and he left. The next time was on the subway. He was there, predatory, seductive, every move graceful but lethal. She was tired, she'd fought so long, for the world, for her son and she was spent, used up. Just for a moment she gave up and welcomed him, he was so strong and attacked so quickly. It was done it the blink of an eye. He didn't torture her or string it out, just broke her neck cleanly. That was it. I awoke, with the memory of him."
They considered this in silence.
It was Neesha who finally spoke.
"Maybe that's the best they could hope for, the old slayers. They were real warriors. What more could they ask for but a clean death in a good fight? I think she chose the terms of her death."
"That sort of life must be so frightening. So lonely."
"Perhaps that's what drew Spike and Buffy together, the loneliness and futility."
"It's strange isn't it? The last true slayer and the only vampire to win himself a soul, together. As though the whole world conspired to bring about that moment."
"Do you think he'll leave us and return to Italy with her?"
They were quiet. As much as they wanted to deny it, it had about it the feeling of fate and inevitability.
Angel filled his day doing all the pointless things he normally did. Yeah, he was busy, which was what he needed. But he was busy with things that Wolfram and Hart pushed in his direction, and maybe he was doing some good, it was impossible to tell. But what he wasn't doing was keeping in touch with the streets outside and all the things that the Senior Partners wanted to keep hidden. He knew that he was being distracted but didn't know what to do about it. He needed guidance and the Powers That Be had deserted him.
He had almost had enough. He had grown distant from his humans. His mission was lost in the devastation that Connor left behind. The guidance he'd always relied on was gone with Cordy. His dreams of beating evil from the inside were growing more and more distant. The only thing that kept him hanging on was Spike, almost as lost and confused as himself. He still had one duty left, to protect and care for Spike.
He tried to keep away from the bond, the feelings coming through puzzled him. Made him anxious and restless. They weren't exactly bad but they made him itch and filled him with foreboding. He glanced up at his clock yet again, as he waited impatiently for dusk to fall.
Buffy awoke with a languorous stretch, feeling ravenous. That much hadn't changed since the old days. She'd put on a little weight but what can you expect? When in Rome, do as the Romans do, which in her case meant eating lots of pasta swimming in olive oil.
"Hey, Giles. What's cooking?"
"No longer cooking. Cooked. Can you get some plates, please?"
She looked at the garlic bread and pasta.
"You Giles, are a prince among men."
"I knew it. You only love me for my culinary skills."
"That's not true. I also love you for your washing and vacuuming skills."
"Well as long as my true talents are appreciated..."
As he turned away to strain the pasta, she swiped a slice of garlic bread.
"I saw that Buffy."
"How do you do that?" she pouted.
"I think it's parent/child thing." He replied.
"Know what you mean, I can do it to Dawn. It drives her nuts."
The other slayers came down and were introduced. Spike stayed in his room.
"He likes to have a quiet time." Giles explained.
She mainly listened to the chat around the table, only chipping in occasionally. When they were finished she stayed to help Giles clear the table.
"They normally help but tonight they're preparing themselves for their trip out without Spike. Or so they think. As if he'd let them out of his sight."
"They really like him don't they?"
"Yes. It's Andrew's fault. You know how he always likes to tell stories."
"He still does that?"
"Yes, I've tried to stop him. But everything we lived through...or didn't...he's turned into stories giving them the air of myths and legends. They probably have a secret shrine where they worship the great god Spike."
"And meeting him hasn't changed their point of view at all?" She asked raising her eyebrows in droll amusement.
"Not an iota. When you think about it, every story Andrew told was true. Then Spike claimed them as his. Now they already feel themselves becoming tangled up in the legends. If they're his then they are going to be the best. They'll work for him until they're dropping from exhaustion. He compares them to you and sees their failings but actually they're probably the best we've had so far."
"I thought he had nothing here, but it's not true is it? I was going to ask if he wanted to return to Rome with me. He can train slayers there, too."
"Buffy, is that wise."
"Don't do that, Giles. It's different now. In a way it hardly matters. Nothing will change for us. We've found something...comfortable. I love him, he loves me and miles don't really matter. If he needed me I'd be here before he could finish calling for me. We could sleep together and still nothing would change. It's all...window dressing. It's no longer passion and need and dependency. It's honesty, trust and love. I could happily spend the rest of my life with just him. But, one day, I would like family and children. He's never been selfish with me. He wants that for me too. Also, I don't want him tied to me as I'm growing old. He needs more in his life than that. But...you know...if he wanted, we could have a few years together."
"You're deluding yourself, it wouldn't work Buffy. I've seen you two together, if you took him away you wouldn't be able to let go again. If ever you had a husband he wouldn't even be close to becoming a substitute for Spike. What sort of life would that be? I think my first instincts were right. It would be better for you both if you didn't meet too often."
"For us both? What has Spike got here?"
"He has Angel nearby."
"That's the scraping of the barrel, Giles. They don't even like each other."
"Something has changed. Perhaps you should talk to Spike. Besides which he still has his slayers here. Vampires take claiming very seriously."
"Right, his fan club. How do they feel about me?"
"Slightly below Spike on the hero worship scale."
"Not fair, I've prevented more apocalypses than him. And died more times than him."
"Not strictly true. He's died twice, too."
"Huh. Well, I'm still up on the apocalypses."
"Still competitive aren't you?" Said a husky English voice. "I can't imagine you settling down to a quiet life in suburbia, when the only competition will be making sure that your roses flourish better than the ones next door."
She turned to find Spike laughing gently at her.
"Suburbia? I never said suburbia."
"True, you didn't. Did you have a good sleep?"
"Yeah, sorry about falling asleep on you. Literally."
"Anytime."
It was such a contrast to the days when she'd turn up for the sex but couldn't bear to stay with him afterwards. It made the soul more that worth it, he could finally give her something she needed even if it was just a quiet place to lay her head for a little while.
"It's getting dark. I'll make sure the slayers are prepared." Giles said as he walked out.
"You're letting them out by themselves?"
"You must be bloody joking. No way could they take the nest. The vampire in charge is as old as Angelus and she's just as vicious." Spike snorted. "Just want to make them think they're alone, they've been too complacent. I'll follow behind."
"Mind if I walk with you?"
"As long as you don't hold me up."
"Hold you up? You're so going to regret that when you're puffing along behind me."
"Vampires don't puff."
"Yeah, so what's that thing you do with the breathing? Relaxation techniques?"
"Do I still do that? Left over from being human. Angelus used to try to beat it out of me."
"Nothing can beat the humanity out of you. I think it just curled up and hid for a hundred years or so."
The slayers left and they followed at a discreet distance.
It was finally dark enough to leave. Angel let out a sigh. This was one of the longest day's he'd ever known. He called for his chauffeur, he didn't want to be forced to abandon his car if he needed to get out.
When he reached the slayer house he could sense that Spike was still inside. The slayers finally appeared, they seemed tighter grouped and more anxious than usual. He wondered where Spike was. God he hoped he was ok. Right, there he was. Angel got out of the car and was about to walk over to him when he noticed the small blonde figure next to him.
He became deathly still.
Not her. It couldn't be her. She had her arm casually linked to Spike. Angel followed behind, careful to keep his distance and to move silently. Then he heard her speak, her distinct Sunnydale twang was unmistakeable.
"Buffy." He whispered.
She was speaking.
"So you know, I was thinking."
"Be careful don't want you to hurt yourself, Blondie."
"Oh, dumb blonde jokes, coming from you. Pot and kettle, Spike. Anyway, quit with the distraction."
"Ok, go on."
"You know I love you right? And I know you love me."
"Yeah." Spike replied cautiously, wondering where this was going.
"Do you want to come back to Italy with me?"
Angel stopped as though he'd run into a brick wall. He could hear the happy chatter fading into the distance. He took a side street and leant heavily against the wall. He was breathing. He found it rather odd, he never breathed. He wished it would stop. The icy air was hurting his throat. He felt cold. He was always cold. He never liked February. People thought that California was always warm but February was a bitter month. The chill went to his bone, but of course it did. He was dead. A corpse.
His face was wet. Was it raining? He wasn't really sure. He couldn't see clearly. He felt the hard sidewalk beneath his knees.
He remembered this world when it was light and young. It still was for some, places where Italian sun was caught and held in strands of blonde. Not his world though. His world was dark, like his hair and like his eyes and like his soul. A dark, bleak, place, as empty as his heart.
A voice cut through his misery.
"Angelus! Fancy seeing you here. And so distressed. So despairing. Damn! It does my eyes good to see you this way. On your knees before me, the way it should be."
The woman smiled at him and then her beautiful face changed as she flashed her fangs in a grin.
"I'm so glad to be able to get reacquainted with you. Before you pass from this world, forever."
He knew this vampire from back in the day and they hadn't been friends. She was old and despite her laughable melodrama, she was dangerous. Angel knew he should get up and fight but what the hell for? What was there left to fight for? He made no move as she came towards him.
Buffy continued.
"Not forever, but you know for a while. We have new slayers out there, as well. You could train them."
"I...don't know what to say."
It was tempting. To be with her for a while. To see the Italian sun reflected on her face.
"Thank you, Buffy. For asking me."
"It's not something you need to thank me for! I'd like you to come back with me. You're going to say no, aren't you?"
Spike refused to meet her look.
"Giles has hinted that I need to ask about Angel. Like what's between you and him? Will you tell me?"
Spike nodded slowly and asked, "Do you still love him?"
Buffy hesitated.
"Honestly?"
"Of course."
"He was the first man I ever loved and I don't think I can ever stop loving him."
"It's ok Buffy. I understand, 'many different ways of loving', yeah?"
"Yeah. But I don't understand him anymore. I wasn't happy when he left me to take up the fight by himself but I understood. But I can't understand why he's joined the other side. The person I knew wouldn't have done that."
"He had a load of shit piled on him, which put him in a place where every choice he made was bad, he just did the best he could in the circumstances. He's not evil but he's struggling and he needs every bit of love and support he can find. He's the same man you knew, with the best of intentions but that law firm is seriously starting to screw with him."
"And you want to help him? Why?"
"I don't know. Things have been happening so quickly recently, you know? Felt like everything's been outside my control. I wasn't myself for a while. Lost my memories and found some innocence. He cared for me and if I could have stayed like that I'd probably still be there. With him."
"What makes everything so different now?"
"We can't just play at happy little vampire family. There's too much between us."
"What he's not willing to let go of all that torture and trying to kill him stuff?"
There was no reply from Spike, which was answer enough.
"It's you. You can't let go of all the bad things."
"Yeah, you're right, it's me." He admitted.
"Why? I mean you're the most forgiving person I know. Jees, when I think of all the times I beat up on you."
"It's not that. Not the physical pain. It's just that...he always leaves. Always walks away from me."
"Tell me about it." Buffy agreed fervently. "But not to take a chance cus you think you might lose it in the end is really stupid. At least you have a chance if you take it."
"Yeah. I know. It's not just that. I don't have a place there. Here I have my role and I'm doing work I believe in. If I stayed with the gang I'd end up getting sucked into that whole evil thing. It's so subtle you don't realise you're trapped until the door slams shut behind you."
"But you'd leave Angel there? By himself?"
"I don't think I'm good for him. He clings like I'm the only thing he has left, and the things he's prepared to do to keep me safe weaken him. You know what he's like when he loves. He'd take on hell."
"Yeah. Wait a minute. He loves you? I know 'many different kinds' blah, blah. But he...loves you?"
"It's strange. When we ran as proper vampires we were like all the others only more so, possessive, protective, a strong blood bond running between us. The joy of the hunt and the pleasure of curling up as a family afterwards. It was kinship, blood and contentment. Now we've got souls and it's still demonic, still possessive but it's been confused with something slightly more human. Affection...love."
"Like father and son?"
"Yeah. That's as closest thing I can equate it to. Except with the drinking each other's blood and things."
"Ew! You drink...? It sounds...intimate. Gross and intimate."
"It is. Intimate, I mean, not gross. It gives a buzz, a high, which you only get from this sort of blood sharing, which we can get only from each other. When it happened it felt like...coming home. It also opened a link between us, I sort of get an idea of what he's feeling and he knows how I am."
"Oh. Does he know I'm here?"
"Nah. He can't read my mind or anything."
"Good."
"Don't give up on him, Buffy. He's still a good man. Just a bit lost, like we all get occasionally."
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I care about you both, you know that?"
Spike nodded.
"If he's lost don't you think it might be better if you were with him, you could help him keep perspective...keep him on the straight and narrow?"
"I don't know what I should be doing. All I know is I can't leave him yet. He's...oh bloody hell!"
He held his head and doubled over in pain.
"Spike? Spike! Oh God! What's the matter? Have they given you a chip again?"
"It's Angel. He's in trouble, not far away from here."
"How do you know...you said you don't send messages down this mystic-y link. You can't possibly know. What about your slayers? You can't just abandon them."
Spike was torn. His slayers might be able to handle the nest but not that vicious bitch who ruled them. He'd meant to be there to help and teach them. They couldn't possibly beat her. He'd wanted to see them wise up, not to send them to their deaths.
He had a choice Buffy and his slayers, or his sire. He thought about it logically and there was no choice, humans always came first. He nodded to Buffy.
"I'm sorry Buffy. Look after my slayers. Please?"
Logic had damn all to do with it. He'd seen his sire huddled in a corner waiting to be staked. He raced down the street towards Angel.