This is a pretty bad chapter...sorry... I was just dashing stuff off, I felt the need to post something in my euphoria at having PASSED MY DRIVER'S TEST! Be happy for me! And don't yell at me for the chapter, I've got something good planned for next time, trust me! And review! And if you like LOTR check out my LOTR story because its good and nobody reads it! And other things!
Chapter Three: Real Inventions
Carl the novice had suspected for some time that his new friend was not, in fact, who he claimed to be. For starters there was the little matter of the twitching and muttering when he dreamed.
"Two and two are four, four and four are eight, eight and eight are sixteen, sixteen and sixteen are thirty-two, thirty-two and thirty-two are sixty-four, sixty-four and sixty-four are one hundred twenty eight, one hundred twenty eight and one hundred twenty eight are two hundred fifty six— "
"Wake up, Van Helsing."
"Two hundred fifty six and two hundred fifty six are five hundred and twelve—"
"Van Helsing, wake up!"
"Five hundred and twelve and five hundred and twelve are one thousand twenty four—"
Carl slapped him. Even this did not stop a Van Helsing in the grip of mathematics.
"One thousand twenty four and one thousand twenty four—"
A series of kicks followed, accompanied by a punch on the nose. Van Helsing came awake, clutching at his face and glaring at the little novice.
"Why did you do that?"
"You were counting again," Carl explained.
"Is that so bad?"
"I need to determine why you do that when you sleep."
"Why?"
"I think it may have something to do with your former life."
"I was a drunk in my former life as I am in this one," said Van Helsing, lying back against his pillows and folding his arms. "When are you going to let me get out of bed?"
"Nobody's been stopping you," said Carl, somewhat amazed, "we just always assumed you were incredibly lazy."
Van Helsing grunted, swung his feet out of the bed, and stood up. He fell immediately, landing against Carl, carrying them both to the floor, and giving rise to absolute zillions of slash- writer's epics.
"Get off me," said Carl plaintively.
"Make me," said Van Helsing."
"What?"
"I mean it, I haven't the strength to stand."
Carl shoved Van Helsing to one side and assisted him up. "Is that what you did to the Cardinal?" he wanted to know.
"No," said Van Helsing with a fiendish grin, "what I did to the Cardinal was something much worse."
Carl helped him to sit down on the edge of the bed. "I must try and figure out why you add numbers in your sleep. It may lead to you actually having a superior intellect, which at the moment is belied by your brawn."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that to all observers you appear to be a muscle-bound idiot who can't even spell the word "Truffle."
"Why should I want to spell the word 'truffle'?"
"I don't know," said Carl truthfully. "It's a nice word."
"Well perhaps I was a mathematician in my former life."
"Its doubtful," said Carl doubtfully, "I, in fact, doubt it."
"I could tell from your doubtful tone."
"Thank you— I think."
"You're equally welcome."
Carl tipped his head to one side and regarded Van Helsing closely. "Perhaps you count because you secretly are astoundingly intelligent and you feel you cannot let on in real life for fear of being made fun of."
"More made fun of than I am for being stupid?"
"Oh," said Carl, in the tone of one who will also say I hadn't thought of that. "I hadn't thought of that."
They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes, then Van Helsing looked up and said, "I have a thought!"
Carl waited.
"I—"
Carl waited some more.
"I— uh—"
Carl waited some more.
"Um— noooo, I lost it."
Carl stopped waiting and sighed. "One of these days we really must get you a brainzap appointment."
"What's a brainzap appointment?"
"An appointment to get your brain zapped."
Van Helsing gritted his teeth. "I know that, Carl, but—"
"What is a brain zap?" Carl supplied. "Its my newest invention. It stimulates intelligence in beings heretofore thought completely lacking, mentally. I've done the most amazing things with carrots."
"Carrots," Van Helsing repeated.
"Yes, and I'm moving on to rutabagas next."
"Great. Why do we need to have an appointment, if its your machine?"
"Well, it's a great invention," said Carl, stung. "Its going to be a great hit once it catches on."
"Fine. Lead the way and remove the carrots."
"How about some time next month?"
"Carl— right— now."
Carl led the way and dutifully removed the carrots. Van Helsing seated himself in the small chair thus vacated, and leaned back, giving Carl a slight frown.
"A little tight, isn't it?"
"Well, I told you I'd only had to use it on carrots."
"Begin, Carl."
"When I'm ready," said Carl airily.
"Begin, Carl," said Van Helsing, in his newly-discovered Voice of Doom.
Carl began.
Ten minutes later, viewing the smoking remains, he gulped and decided he didn't like the idea of having to report this to the Cardinal. Luckily, he was spared from this. Jinette came up behind him.
"What is that?" said the Cardinal in his false Italian accent.
"That? Uh— that's—"
"That's MIB, is it not? It is Van Helsing— isn't it, Carl?"
"It is, yes," Carl admitted.
"Fix him," said the Cardinal. He did not look happy.
"But—"
"Fix him," repeated the Cardinal, "now. We have work for him to do."
"W—work? Wh— what kind of work?"
"Important work."
"Well— you might want to try one of the carrots over there—"
"What have you done to him, Carl? Destroyed his brain?"
"No, no, no, no, nothing like that, nothing like that at all, nothing that drastic. I just— er—"
"What, Carl?"
"I turned him into a rutabaga," said Carl unhappily. "So, you see, he's not that much worse off than he was before—"
"Fix him, Carl."
"Yes, sir, your Gracefuldancerness."
The Cardinal left and Carl turned to his work with a sigh. Trust the machine to backfire when he got his first human guinea pig in the chair. Carl regarded Van Helsing mutinously and wondered if, perhaps, the carrots weren't more worth his time. They were, after all, good for eating if the experiments failed.
What was Van Helsing, the former MIB, good for? Nothing.
On the whole, Carl preferred rutabagas.