Chapter Seven: The Real Anna Abuse

("Giant redwood" analogy stolen and adapted from Terry Pratchett)

We now skip merrily to about fifteen minutes after Van Helsing and Carl have arrived in Transylvania. They rode into that tiny, shabby little refugee town where all the people have spent far too long in makeup and attempted to get off their horses.

Carl had a little trouble, not being used to horses, even though in a previous existence he had been Faramir, Prince of Ithilien and part-time centaur.

Van Helsing had a little more trouble, because even though he was perfectly used to horses, A: his horse didn't like him and, B: he'd smuggled some whiskey under his cloak and was now drunk as a skunk. After several tries at detaching himself from the very irritated equine, he finally gave up and toppled over, like a giant redwood taking the first step on the journey to becoming a million "Save the Trees" leaflets.

Carl stood over him and looked down.

"Well, I hope you're ashamed," he said severely.

"Not so much ashamed as embarrassed," Van Helsing mumbled into the ground. "Is anyone looking?"

"Everyone," said Carl, still severely. He decided not to mention that everyone, in this case, consisted of about three children, a cow, and a curious chicken. "I say I hope you're ashamed—"

"Yes, I heard that. Because I drank too much and fell off my horse, I assume you mean?"

"No. Because you didn't see fit to share any liquor with me." Carl stepped back as Van Helsing began the slow process of getting himself back to his feet and more or less upright. "After all these years we've known each other, Van Helsing—"

"Has it been years?" Van Helsing frowned. "Only seems like a few weeks, if that."

"Well, it seems like years to me. But you'd think after everything I've done for you, when you lay hands on the invigorating spirits, don't you feel slightly compelled to share the wealth with your old friend Carl Hampt—"

"If it'll shut you up," said Van Helsing, handing him the two-thirds empty bottle. Carl gave an exclamation of delight that sounded like this:

"HhhhhhraaaaHA!"

—and fell on the whiskey. It was gone in about two seconds and Carl, with a goofy smile on his face, started stumbling after Van Helsing.

They went through the banter that, for many people, defines the movie. Only, in real life, they were both slurring badly.

"Why ish ert sho importhant to kill thish Draculash, anyway?"

"Becaush he'sh the— hic— shon of the Devil."

"I mean beshides that."

"Becaush if we kill him an— hic— anything created or, or, or, or bittensh by— hic— by him willalsho die."

"I mean beshides that."

"Shurrrup, Carl."

"Ish it— are you alrwaysh thish popular?"

"Pretty— hic— muchsh."

A short drop and a sudden stop later, Anna had shown up and was quickly disgusted with them both.

"She'sh pretty," said Van Helsing, leering cheerfully at her.

"Ohyeah," said Carl agreeably. "Ohyeah ohyeah ohyeah ohyeah."

"Kill them," said Anna, more than a little offended.

"Waitwaitwaitwait!" said Van Helsing. Carl thought this was hilarious.

"Waitwaitwait!" he mimicked Van Helsing. "Hee hee. 'Waitwait!'"

"Shurrup, Carl."

"Kill them," said Anna, because that was the only line she could remember.

"But— doncha wanna buy me a drink?" Van Helsing asked her with his version of a charming grin. It would have been more charming if he hadn't knocked two of his front teeth out when he fell off his horse.

"I wanna drink!" chanted Carl loudly. "I wanna drink!"

"Kill them," repeated Anna, getting flustered now.

"DOWN!" hollered Van Helsing suddenly.

"Kill them?" said Anna interrogatively before the vampire bride that had been sneaking up behind her with a smile on her face grabbed her by the hair and started swinging her in circles like a lasso.

"Too late," moaned Van Helsing. "Too late too late too late—"

"KiiiiiiIIIIIlllllLLLLL theeEEEEmmmMMMMMmmmmMMMM!" shrieked Anna, swinging around and around. Then, deciding to leave the script alone since it certainly hadn't helped thus far, she said, "LlllLLLeeeEEEtttttt MMMMeeeeeee gooOOOOOO!"

"Okay," said the vampire bride, gave one more swing for good measure, and let go of Anna's hair.

"EEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—" went Anna as she shot over the heads of the onlookers and flew away, landing several hundred yards away and crashing through the roof of Valerious Manor.

"Vampires," said Carl, crouching on the ground in the mud and wishing he had his bow and arrow with him. "Why did it have to be vampires—"

Years later this line was stolen and adapted by Steven Spielberg and shoved in an Indiana Jones movie. The original use fits better, however, and not only that but even when Harrison Ford was young and hot he still had nuthin' on Carl.

"We should go find Anna," said Van Helsing brightly. "I'm sure she'll want to buy me a drink."

So together, against all odds, our intrepid heros set out on the long and arduous trek cross- country to Valerious Manor—

The drama of the situation was marred briefly by the fact that they got immediately sidetracked into the local pub, where Carl made quite a hit with the Transylvanian barmaid.